Special News: The land of Modor

[good idea at the time]

Note: The Visine idea is not mine. I borrowed it from a friend. And as for the rest of it: I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea. Partly, it was inspired by Middle-Earth want-ads. If I have blantantly ripped anyone off, I apologize. Let me know and I'll give you credit.


We interupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this special news report.

With the discover of Visine, a revolutionary new eye care product, Sauron's nasty disposition seems to have, well, cleared up.

He's revolutionizing the once-dark land of Mordor into a major theme park. He is truly a creature of great vision, turning his dream into a spectacular reality.

Orcs are recieving sensitivity training and help with their people skills.

:::Camera zooms to ocrs throwing spears at an effigy of a hobbit. Skippy the Nazgul walks up to them and shakes his finger. He pats the effigy's head then stands back and smiles approvingly (or so we can guess) as the orcs do the same, grunting "Good halfling." Camera pans out:::


And it appears that the lands of Gondor, Rohan, Rivendell, Eriador, and Mirkwood, to name a few, which were once tagets of take-overs and raids, will now be huge marketing targets. What Elf, Man, or Hobbit wouldn't want to go on the thrilling "Ride of the Ringwraith" roller coaster?

Now, this new, nicer image of the once-Dark Lord doesn't mean he's giving up all of his old ambitions. Check out the admissions price:

:::Camera zooms in on a sign -- Admission: One Ring::::

And now, Sauron needs your help. He's looking for creative, forward-minded individuals to help make The Land of Mordor the best tourist attraction ever. The park still needs a catchy motto, since the Dark Lord isn't quite satisfied with Stewart the Ringwraith's "In the Land of Mordor, Where Hobbits Eat Free Fries." It's also yet to acquire mascots and any number of rides, restaurants, and games. So please write in with you ideas. If he likes them, the Dark Lord says he may "have mercy upon your lands when he gets the One Ring" --I mean, he may give you a job with nice dental benefits!

This is Ugluk the Uruk-Hai, from Isengaurd News: the station of many colors, signing out.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program: "The Short and the Hairy".

[Nianna Telmnar]

*tram pulls into the Mordor theme park parking lot. an assembly of assorted beings climbs on. as the tram starts forward a cheery voice comes over the loudspeaker*

"Please keep all hands and arms inside the tram and seat all hobbits towards the center. Please make sure to remember you are parked in the "nazgul" lot. And remember, no smoking or eating of other passengers."
*entire speech is repeated in elvish and black speech*
Hail everyone! My name is Cindy and I'd like to welcome you to Sauron's Magical Mordor Theme Park! Right now we are celebreting our Grand Opening, so be sure to check out are Welcome parade of marching uruk-hi at 12, 1, 2, and our firework display over mt doom at dusk. We also have two on-running live shows here at Mordor: "The Ring Belongs to Me" and the musical "Saruman and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat". Also, a reminder that we at Mordor don't believe in violence or materialism so we ask that you store all weapons and um, jewelry (of any sort) in our trusty, completley secure E-Z Trap Lockers at the front gate.
*tram pulls to a stop at the front gate*
"Thanks for riding with me and have a wonderful day with our Dark Lord umm, Dark Lord's Theme Park"
*"Cindy" pulls her black hood furthur over her face and speeds off into the parking lot to pick up another load of vic...tourists* [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[good idea at the time]

Dear Nienna Telmar:

Many thanks for your outstanding contribution in not only naming the Magical Land of Mordor, but designing its trams, parking lots, shows, and my personal favorite, the E-Z Trap lockers. I see that you are a very creative individual and would like to welcome you aboard Dark Lord Enterprises. If you're not interested please inform Stewart, the Nazgul who delivered this letter.

My former CEO, Melkor, who left MiddleEarth Enterprises in my hands (I mean that figuratively) never paid much attention to the Teleri Elves. However, he is currently engaged in a corporation known as The Void and I think the MiddleEarth Enterprises would benefit very much by marketing to your people. Tell me, how does this sound as an addition to our theme park:

"Why go sailing, when you can ride the rapids at the brand new water park in the Magical Land of Mordor?"

Perhaps I should try to book the elvish band "The Cry of the Gull on the Shore" for our grand opening?

Sincerely,
The Misunderstood Lord Sauron,
CEO of MiddleEarth Enterprises

[Minyaharmawen]

I LOVE IT [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img] [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Nianna Telmnar]

To the CEO of MiddleEarth Enterprises:

I have spoken with the rest of the Teleri and we agree to work in your park with the following stipulations.
1. Find someone ELSE to run the boat ride. (still a touchy subject around here)
2. Put Lembas on the menu.
3. 2 weeks of vacation a year (no sick days needed) so we can keep the grey heavens open for business.
4. We get unifoms of our own design. (no offense to you, of course, but elves just don't look good in black)
and finally
5. We will NOT share a bathroom with Orcs.(they tend to smell..)

Oh, and I talked to my cousin who knows the drummer for "The Cry of the Gull on the Shore". Unfortunately they are playing a wedding in Lothlorien that weekend, but recommends a promising new band from Mirkwood: "The Archer Five". Their drummer Legolas, is supposed to be amazing.

Looking forward to finally being noticed,
the Teleri Elves

P.S. If you still need groundskeeping staff you might try contacting Treebeard.

[ December 27, 2002: Message edited by: Nianna Telmnar ]

[good idea at the time]

Dear Nienna Telmar:

Agreed and welcome aboard MiddleEarth Enterprises. I apologize for my lack of sensitivity regaurding the subject of boating. Of course we can find another group to pilot that ride. I even hear that some of the halflings may be good at this. We could even have them sing songs. What an original concept! A bunch of small people sing a cheerul and repetitive song whilst slow boats move about on a track!

How does this sound for a song?
(to the tune of "It's a Small World")

It's a Ring of Power
A Ring a fear
And it's not yours
It belongs right here
So it's time that you share
Cause we all are aware
That's it's Sauron's after all!

The Ring is Sauron's after all
The Ring is Sauron's after all
The Ring is Sauron's after all
It's his Ring of Power


And if it makes it any easier, rest assured there are few Noldorian elves left in Middle Earth and even fewer that will probably come to enjoy the Magical Land of Mordor. They simply can't let bygones be bygones. And I can't even send flyers to wherever dear Galadriel and her following are as their address is unlisted.

If you know of any other creatures in Middle Earth who are bright, creative, who work well in a team, and who are eager to NOT be on my bad side once the Ring is mine, and it will be, then please let them know that it would be an excellent idea to write in with their ideas. Being an elf, you of course are aware that creativity was not a strong point of my former employer. Morgoth was more the destructive sort. And since he traied me...well...alas...

-The Misunderstood Lord Sauron,
CEO of MiddleEarth Enterprises

[Nianna Telmnar]

Fine Dining at Saroun's Magical Land Of Mordor:

Nice Fishes- sushi bar run by Gollum

Cram and Ale- specializing in Dwarven foods

Theoden's Playplace- human run family type restaurant

The Hole Next Door- for the hobbits

Shelob's Lair- pub and grill

Moria Marketplace- for the "darker" visitors to Mordor. Orcs, Uruk-hi, Balrogs, etc.

Westward Bound- for all the elven kind who come to Mordor.

And of course there's Bilbo's Bakery, Saruman's Sweets, and the numerous pie stands spread thoughout the park (after all everyone eats pie in Mordor)

Yes, there is something for everyone to enjoy here in Mordor.
*note: all our restaurants except both ME Express, and MorgulCard

[good idea at the time]

Congradulations, Nienna Telmar. You are the Magical Land of Mordor's 1st employee of the month! (Watch out for Stewart the Nazgul. He's the jealous sort.)

-The Misunderstood Lord Sauron

[Nianna Telmnar]

To CEO Sauron:

Thank you very much for the honor. I will try to continue to meet such high standards. Incidently, thanks for the warning about Stwart. I saw him skulking around my boat this afternoon. I have informed the guards at the dock and they will be on watch. It would be to the benifit of his health not to try anything again as the guards tend to take there job very seriouly and haven't had much action in the last 100 yrs or so.

Sincerly,
Nienna Telmnar,
head of Telerian public relations

[Bruce MacCulloch]

To: Lord Sauron, CEO, Middle-Earth Enterprises

Our company recently had our annual Employee’s Day at Sauron’s Magical Land of Mordor, thanks to your new group discount program. I must say that I was very impressed with the professionalism of your staff (those fellows with the black robes – very snappy dressers) and the courtesy shown to us, as was the rest of our Corporate Board.

As the largest fast food chain in Middle-Earth, we have a company policy of always being on the lookout for new business opportunities. I certainly have noticed that your corporation seems to always keep an Eye out for the same. We would like to open a small restaurant in your park. We offer high quality Mumakil burgers and a wide variety of delicious treats, of which I am sure you are already aware.

Please let us know your terms of service and we will get back to you with our full offer after our Board has reviewed them.

Thank you for your time,
Harry Drim, Jr.
President, Southron Foods, Inc.

[ December 29, 2002: Message edited by: Bruce MacCulloch ]

[doug*platypus]

Mr. Sauron, I represent Evil Monotreme Enterprises, and might I say we feel *strangely drawn* to your new scheme... er... theme... park, yes that was it.

Why, I say why just control the world, when you can control the shelves? My company would like to negotiate for the rights to start producing quality brand-name souvenirs. Let's brainstorm here - I'm talking, uh... doorstops shaped like Minas Morgul, uh... coffee mugs that say "Eye've been to Mordor", with a great big Eye on them, you know what I'm saying here? Little tiny Orc paperweights, hell I could even sell genuine Lucky Mount Doom rocks. Maybe every thousandth one has a ring in it, I don't know!

Anyway, I'll let you get back to me, but don't forget now, Evil Monotreme Enterprises was the ones what came to you first!

Yes, that's it, I'll buy the rights cheap now, and make MILLIONS! Did I type that or just think it?

[good idea at the time]

Dear Mr. Harvey Drim, Jr.,
Southron Foods, Inc.


Thank for very much for your compliments to my staff. The Witch King of Angmar was so pleased that he wished to thank you personally and so has delivered this letter himself.

I was equally delighted by your idea to open one of your restaraunts in the Magical Land of Mordor. My terms of service are as follows:

1. You may have complete control over the management of your restaraunt provided you run things exactly as I wish.

2. Any persons who disappear and/or re-appear in your place of business shall be reported immediately to Magical Land of Mordor Security by whom they will be given the "special" tour of this theme park.

3. Should any young haflings come to your place of business, they will be given free ale and lots of it, as that tends to make them chatty and loose with information, and well, secrets are just nasty, unfriendly little things, aren't they?


I do hope that these meet your approval and you will be conducting business in the Magical Land of Mordor. When I actually had a body, I was quite fond of Mumakil burgers and the thought of them cooking so nearby makes me ever more eager to get the ring back so I can taste one again.


Your're mine now truly (I mean, yours truly)
The Misunderstood Lord Sauron
CEO of MiddleEarth Enterprises

[good idea at the time]

My dear Doug*Platypus of Evil Montreme Enterprises,

I think that souveniours are a brilliant idea and just what the Magical Land of Mordor needs. Just imagine, if a Dwarf, Elf, Man, Hafling, Orc, Ent, Balrog, etc, goes home wearing a shirt with Skippy the Nazgul and the park's name and logo on it, his/her/its whole clan, family, shire, forest, horde, etc. will want to come. They'll be paying us to do our maketing!

I'm sending the Mouth of Sauron with this letter to work out financial arangements, and yes, you did type that you intend to make a fortune, but that's quite alright. You see, once I have the One Ring, your land- where do you live again? - will be paying tribute to me anyway, so it's all the same really.

I look forward to having such a creative and ambitious ( though hopefully not too ambitous, of course) corportation working with the Magical Land of Mordor. For my terms and conditions, see #1 of my stipulations in my published letter to Mr. Drim, Jr.


Sincerely,
The Lord Sauron. ( I believe I have made myself quite understood in this letter.)

[good idea at the time]

My apologies to Mr. Harry Drim, Jr. It seems the underling I dictate my letters to got your name wrong. I hope this mistake has not offended you and I assure you that my new secretary is more accurte.

-The Misunderstood Lord Sauron,
CEO of MiddleEarth Enterprises

[Nianna Telmnar]

To CEO Sauron:

I regret to inform you that we had trouble again with Stewart this weekend.

Last night, at around midnight, dock security found him spray painting foul red letters all over my beautiful boat! The guards went after him with a torch (seeing as how Nazgul don't like fire) to subdue him untill he could be restrained and returned to you.

Unfortunately, he apparantly also brought a can of gasoline under his robes. (to torch my boat i suppose). My guards not knowing this tossed the fire at him and, well..(They tell me the fireball was quite impressive).
At which point Stewart (or what was left of him) jumped in the water and swam away. My people searched the banks for him, but he was nowhere to be found. I assume he went back to Minas Morgul.

My apologies for the harm done to one of your people, however, I would like to be compensated for my ship. Also, untill Stewart is found, one of my guards will be following me to work. (He sure to be upset at nearly being barbequed)

Thank you for your understanding, I will be at work on Monday morning. I have some great ideas for the park I would like to discuss with you.

Sincerly,
Nienna Telmnar
Head of Telerian Public Relations

[ December 29, 2002: Message edited by: Nianna Telmnar ]

[good idea at the time]

Dear Nienna Telmar,

Sauron said I have to sit in the corner and think about what I did until I say sorry, so here's my letter:

I'm sorry for writing rude words on your boat. The gasoline was not to set your boat on fire, as again, I don't like fire. I just wanted to make sure the gas tank was full so I could leave it somewhere that would take you a while to find it. Sorry for that too. How was I supposed to know elves are too primitive to have motors? Oh, Sauron says that wasn't nice either. Sorry.

I'm sending some goblins to go repair the boat.

Oh yeah, and um, congradulations, I guess, about the whole Employee of the Month thing. I didn't want any dumb award anyway.

-Stewart the Ringwrait

[Bruce MacCulloch]

To: Lord Sauron, CEO Middle Earth Enterprises

Thank you for your generous offer - we look forward to doing business with you. I am sending this letter back with the Witch King, along with my set-up crew and necessary supplies. We should be up and running within a week, after which I will send my first shift of twenty thousand employees.
Our employees and staff seem to have taken quite a liking to this Angmar fellow you sent with the message. Is there any chance that we could work with him in the future? Very likeable personality - you seem to know how to pick real 'go-getters' for your staff.
I was a bit concerned about his health, however. He seems to be a bit pale under the black outfit and I think he might have respiratory issues - always sniffing.

Your servant,
Harry Drim, Jr.
President, Southron Foods, Inc.

[ December 29, 2002: Message edited by: Bruce MacCulloch ]

[good idea at the time]

We again interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you breaking news about the Magical Land of Mordor.

The Dark Lord's business appears to be booming and he's gone from forging alliances with terrible, ravenous creatures to forging alliances with terrible, ravenous creatures AND major corporations.

It's been no secret that Nienna Telmar, public relations official of the Teleri, has been in correspondance with Sauron and a large number of their people have been at work in the Magical Land of Mordor from the get-go but just this afternoon a major agreement was also reached between Hary Drim Jr., CEO of Southron Foods, Inc, and Sauron's business, MiddleEarth Enterprises. Another contract which would give Montreme Enterprises the sole rights to manufacture Magical Land of Mordor merchandice, is expected to come through soon.

In celebration of recent sucesses Sauron has declared the next week to be "Two for the Price of One" week. Any two hobbits can enter the Magical Land of Mordor, for the price of just One Ring of Power.

While the theme park has been open for only just a short while, the Dark Lord is already talking about expanding. An unamed employee said that his next move will be to take over --I mean, rent some space in -- the nearby Gondor fortress of Minas Tirith.

This is Ugluk, the Uruk Hai, from Isengard News, the Station of Many Colors, signing out.

We now return to Unsolved Mysteries: Tom Bombadil, Man or Maiar?

[Thulorongil]

Almighty Dark Lord-

A brilliant idea (as always) is this theme park.
Alas! I have troublesome news. My acquaintances and I have discovered that the wannabee, Saruman also thought that this park was a genius plan. That multi-colored little bug is planning in two weeks to open Sarumanland with it's mascot, the loved Dickey Dragon.
He plans on receiving more visitors because of his commonly conveniant location: not surrounded by sharp, menacing mountains and festering swamps. (Of course, those are some of the features that make your magical land such a wonderful place to come home to!) But many possible customers have traveled to that vexing creton's land in the past, thus being familiar with the area of this inferior, not as magical land.
Some of his target visitors are these that have visited the former Isengard before, halflings who don't like swamps, creatures he made, and those elves of Rivendell who have a strange and abnormal love for that fat dragon-mascot. Saruman also plans on attracting many eye-doctors and spectacle salesmen to his park, because they dissapprove of your frigh-- beautiful flaming eye.
My associates and I suggest that you send out Skippy to kick that Dickey's rear. Perhaps that eccentric Stewart, as well, he may be able to annoy Sharkey out of his wits.

Bill the Mumak
Representing your humble (not low to the ground) servants, the Oliphaunts

P.S. we will always serve your greatness, no matter what the situation, but WE STRONGLY RESENT THE FACT THAT YOU SERVE MUMAKIL BURGERS.

P.P.S. could you send out Gollum to strangle that little Samwise for stealing my perfect name to give to his pony? I could squash him like a bug, but Phil the Fat and I have tickets to Smaug and the Fire-Breathers at the Lonely Mountain.

[Thulorongil]

-my apologies to all the Bill-lovers out there, that little pony is my hero!*snif snif*

[Thulorongil]

I also apologize to anyone who has no idea where Didkey Dragon came from. You have to read Bored of the Rings.

[dragoneyes]

To: Dark lord Sauron

As of late I have been noticing the increasing amount of advertising for your wonderful park around here. My own cousin ventured there and said it to be a wonderful place, but with just one small problem, he said the music was intollerable.

I do not wish to insult whoever wrote that music, or yourself for choosing it, but a good piece of music always does well to set the mood. I have sat and thought long hours and finally come up with some music I hope you would see fit to use around the park (see enclosed tape).

If that does not suit your taste, then I would be happy to write other pieces, perhaps suited to attract one race more than others eg. hobbits.

I assure you, whatever you choose, my music shall put Sarumanworld's to shame.

Yours sincerely
Lindir, Elf of Rivendell.

[Nianna Telmnar]

To CEO Sauron:

I have found out what that little cretin Saruman is planning on doing. (That foolish Grima will admit to anything if you pay him enough) Not only is he planning on building a theme park at Isenguard, but he's planning to discredit your park by leaking rumors (false of course) to the newspaper that your park is all one big ploy to get back your ring.
I suggust that you do somehting at once. We Teleri will not sit idely by and let this man destroy the best living we've had since the first age, I promise! Many scouts have been sent to keep watch at Isenguard and report any new developments. Also, I have informed Treebeard that Saruman is planing on building a paper mill. (I've never seen an Ent so hasty in my life).
On a lighter note, a cousin of mine in Rivendell, should be sending you a demo tape of music shortly. Lindir is a fabulous composer and I hope you will consider him for the job.

Sincerly,
Nienna Telmnar
Head of Telerian Public Relations

[ December 30, 2002: Message edited by: Nianna Telmnar ]

[Nianna Telmnar]

*Magical Land of Mordor: Park Notice*

Attention all employees of Mordor:

The show "Saruman and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" has been canceled. For now, we will be replacing it with "The Dancing Orc Reveue" untill a sutible permanent act can be found. If you know of any performing acts looking for work, please have them come to an open Audition next Wednesday.
Also, if anyone spots the traitor Saruman in the park boundries, he is to be apprehended and taken to Sauron at once.

~Thank you for your attention.

Nienna Telmnar

[good idea at the time]

Thank you all for your concern over Saruman's treachery. It's wonderful to know that I have such a vigilant staff. I have spoken via Palantir with my "dear friend", who was once known as the White Wizard. He claimed that he fully intended (of course) to send all revenue to our way and was only looking out for the best interests of this park. Pitiful fool forgot that I taught him how to lie.

Because of the quick action of the Teleri the Ents have already devastated most of his park, and Mithrandir, who is usually a pain in the...eye... has dealt with Saruman himself. It seems that Saruman also double-crossed the Istari and broke a contract with them.

Not only that, but it seems he wasn't having much luck with hobbits -- our prime marketing targes -- even while he was in business. He had to send Uruk-Hai to kidnap to of them just to get them to come and they got away! At least one of them is still in the area however. I've sent Stewart to apprend him and er...show him around our superior park.

Many thanks to all of you for reporting this to me! Keep this up and you'll all get raises!


-The Misunderstood Lord Sauron


P.S. Our new restaraunt will also be offering vegetarian alternatives to Mumakil bugers so as not to offend some of my most loyal employees.

[Lindril Arvilya]

*tries to reach the bell on the desk*
Excuse me, sir? Pardon me, yes, just lean over a little more... yes, down here....
I'm here for my interview. Lindril Arvilya... yes, Elven name, no, it was a joke at the time... my parents.... yes, quite clever.... keeping up with the times and so on... oh no sir I'm not an Elf myself, no sir Hobbit is good enough for me... well... halfling if you like... that's fine, yes.
Here's my resume. *hands it up to the desk* Yes sir, performing arts. Won second place in a Shire "Battle of the Bands" last spring. Oh yes, I can dance as well...
Boat experience? Well, I do live near the Brandywine.... no sir, it's a river... well, not personally, but severa of my second cousins have Tooks on their mother's side, and it does show.... well I suppose I could pick up the knack for it, I've no real aversion to sailing.
No openings for Hobbit acts on stage currently? Well... I could reapply later, couldn't I? I could get along fine with a boating... sailing... thing. Oh, a sort of "gondolier" job, hmmm? Singing and sailing... doesn't sound too bad to me...
You'll give me a call? Oh excellent sir... no I'm staying in Rohan currently... long way to walk for an interview, hahaha...
Very nice to meet you sir, oh yes indeed! *bows her way out*

[good idea at the time]

Dear Lindir:

Greetings and salutations. Nienna Telmar, one of my best employees, tells me that you're looking for work. I've just heard a demo of your latest tape and I must admit it brings back memories of, well, the beginning of life, the universe, and everything. (Are you familiar with that story?) Of course, I wasn't involved personally in that music, but my former CEO -- I believe you know him as Morgoth -- was.

What I'm trying to say is that you are an elf of exceptional talent and I would be thrilled to have you here, working for MiddleEarth Enterprises. And I assure you that the rumors of other elves having unpleasant stays in Mordor in that past are just that -- rumors.

Speaking of my former CEO, the Vaya have allowed him to contact me from the Void, Inc and suggest opening a "Mouth of Sauron's Kareoke Bar." I was wondering if you could suggest someone who could give lessons to my more, er, musically challenged employees, namely the orc, goblins, wraiths, balrogs, and few others. It wouldn't do to have them frightening away customers, now would it?

Sincerely,
The Misunderstood Lord Sauron

[good idea at the time]

My Very Dear Lindril Arvilya:

You wouldn't happen to know anything about a pretty gold ring, now would you? Just curious. That's all. Would any of your friends have one? It's just that rings are a hobby of mine, and, well, right, back to your job.

I believe we have an opening for you on our brand new show, "The Fall of Numenor." It's a musical and will also utilize your talent for boating.

Thank you very much for your application.

-The Misunderstood Lord Sauron

[dragoneyes]

To: Dark Lord Sauron

I am very pleased you chose my work for your park and am glad to be associated with such an outstanding organisation as MiddleEarth Enterprises. Yes, I am familiar with the story of the beginning of everything, it is quite a compliment that one such as yourself would say that my music reminded you of it.

For your kareoke bar, I myself would love to give music lessons, it has been a longlife dream of mine. I've always wanted to spread music around the whole of Middle-Earth, what better way than through an immensly popular theme park? Also, the elves round here are prosecuting me for offering my talents to you, they, unfortunately, believe those childish rumors going around.

Yet again I would ask you to take me on in my offer and let me work with you.

Yours sincerely

Lindir.

[Gilbo]

Dark Lord Enterprises
Dear Sir:
It has come to the attention of my associates that you have built a theme park, and that you are staffing said park, with a great deal of non-union labor.
It seems, as well, that you might not have the proper permits and that you may have obtained your materials from the 'wrong' sources.
We understand,what with you being Dark Lord and all, how such things might happen.
In order to streamline things and save us all from a lot of headaches, you should,maybe, leave a large bag of cash by the the back entrance to Moria at your earliest convenience. You've got a real nice thing going and it would be a shame if something should happen to it. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Gilbo
Assistant Wiseguy
Gaffer Services

[Sadbh]

To CEO Sauron;

We, um, er at the SON (Slaves of Nurn) Convention decided that we erm, do not like working conditions. Rebuilding Barad Dur is one thing, but building a major theme park is quite another. We will go on strike and lodge a formal complaint at the Middle Earth Bureau of Human, Ent, Orc, Dwarf, Elf, Balrog, Uruk-hai, Maiar, and Hobbit Affairs if you do not er, meet our conditions.

1. We want one week paid vacation. Really. This Mountain of Doom thing is H*** on our complexions. Maybe some nice beachy spot would be nice, somewhere maybe like Dol Amroth? Grey Havens? Whatever...

2. We would like cash, money, coins whatever you want to call it. It's not very nice to make an entire race slaves for what, a hundred, er a, well lots and lots of years.

3. We would like to work in the park instead of working on the park. We aren't even ruddy mechanics! Also, I think Mumakil rides would be a lovely addition to the kiddy section, don't you? (Oh, just make sure nobody's shooting arrows in their eyes. Could result in a nasty mess, that.) Also, we Haradrim make excellent coffee. I'll send over a sample for the mouth of Sauron, or er, wait you don't have a stomach.

Thank you for taking the time to consider our offer. Ever so much obliged.

Signed,

The S.O.N
Nobody to smite in particular, you know, I mean, just er someone...

[ January 01, 2003: Message edited by: Sadbh ]

[Nibinlondwen]

im testing

[Nianna Telmnar]

*Nienna Telmnar stood in her office looking out the window at the masses of employees organizing a strike. She recognized Stewart the Nazgul handing out picket signs. A news van pulled into the parking lot. Things were quickly becoming out of hand. What's more, the Lord Sauron seemed to have disapeared.*

"My Lady?"

Nienna turned to face her secretary Ailin.

"Any news on who leaked all of this to the reporters?"

"Nothing positive m'lady. Though the name Gilbo seems to keep coming up."

Nienna sighed. "Sauron couldn't have picked a worse time to go on vacation. I don't frighten these cretures enough to snap them back in line. That's his specialty not mine. We have a big problem here, Ailin."

Ailin was quiet for a minute, then pulled out the letter she'd been hiding in her grey robes.

"Actually, My Lady; it's not our problem to deal with anymore...It's time." With that she handed the letter to Nienna although she already new what it said.

"It's from Cirdan. They need me back at the Grey Havens...they need my ship. " She looked up to where Ailin was smiling sadly at her.

"We must leave now my Lady, if we are to make it to the docks before nightfall. The others will be waiting for us there. I'll go prepare our things."

With that Ailin gave a small bow and left. Nienna went to her closet and pulled out her long grey cloak and her belt with her dagger. Her quiver and bow were hidden away as Sauron didn't like weapons in his park. Wrapping the soft cloth around her she stopped once more at her desk to write a hurried final notice. She didn't like leaving like this but unfortunatly, she had no choice.


To CEO Sauron:

My apologies for the crudeness of this later but I regret to inform you that I must now leave your service. As you know I run a Telerian ship that is always on reserve. I have just learned that we will be leaving much sooner than expected. It seems there has been a huge influx of my brothers and sisters departing for the west and they need my ship to handle the overflow.
Most likely I will not be returning. I'm sorry to leave you with all these newly arisen problems, but my first loyalty has always, and will always be to my people. By the time you recieve this I will have left along with the rest of the Teleri. I have left my keys to the office and the security codes in an envelope in the bottom drawer of my desk.

Farewell,
Nienna Telmnar

[the real findorfin]

Dear Sauron, CEO, Dark Lord Enterprises

I have recently visited your wondrous park and cannot help but noticing the lack of accommodation in Mordor. As spokesperson of ONDOR LTD, the well-known creators of places such as Menegroth and Orthanc, I offer our services to you.

In the shadow of Barad-Dur we propose to build a grand hotel, with quality accommodation and a premiere Elvish Cuisine restaurant.
Rooms would be fitted to serve every race and free shampoo will be available in each bathroom, courtesy of Head &...uh…Eye cosmetics.

We would be grateful for your swift reply and enclosed, you will find some delicious After Numenor Mints (OH THAT WON’T DO) and some of the latest ‘Eye-Eye’ Contact Lenses.

Yours in perpetual terror
Finwaif, lowly servant (and not the one you should kill if we displease you) of ONDOR LTD

PS. sorry to hear about the trouble you are having. Men of the East and the South have always been trouble! Just look at Maedhros, they stabbed him in the back to.

[Lindril Arvilya]

Dear Mister Sauron, is it okay if I call you Mister?
Firstly, thank you ever so much for your kind letter. I do appreciate getting mail but unfortunately the folk in Hobbiton never seem to know where to forward mine to. The Rohirrim were rather taken aback at your splendid messenger... I don't think they're used to the pomp and so on of a Mordor Nazgul, really there's nothing like it.
Oh yes, the job...
I'm ever so pleased to be asked to be in the musical. "The Fall of Numenor"? Sounds terribly exciting.... I'm always glad I'm not ACTUALLY in the circumstances of the characters... I should hate a real adventure, nasty things. But a steady job like this is just what I need and, if I may say so, well worth the walk.
As to the ring you inquire about, I'm dreadfully sorry but most of my friends and relations don't really go in much for jewelry. I've got a few lovely costume bits, but they're all just painted wood and I'm sure you being a Dark Lord and all you would have no use for these toys. I'll send back a telegram, though, perhaps they could post it up in Hobbiton, I'm sure they'd be more than happy to try to find this little ring for you.
With all best regards,
Lindril Arvilya.
P.S. Do take care, I heard you were on vacation. Must be a horrbile stress all this organizing. Do drop me a line if you need anything done, I'd be more than happy to oblige. Good day!

[ January 01, 2003: Message edited by: Lindril Arvilya ]

[good idea at the time]

Welcome to Cirith Ungol News. It seems that the strikes and controversey surrounding the Magical Land of Mordor will soon be resolved. The Mouth of Sauron today presented the leaders of the strike with this very promising letter:


"My Dear, Dear, Wonderful Employees:

But of course your requests are reasonable and fair. And why shouldn't you expect the Dark Lord to be reasonable and fair after all? Don't worry. I'll be sending eight of the Nazgul down to work out negotiations with you. (Stewart is currently occupied elsewhere.)

I have every intention of meeting with the leaders of your spirited little strike PERSONALLY to garuntee IMMEDIATE RESULTS.

I do apologize. I must have mistaken myself for an evil and terrifyingly powerful Dark Lord. I assure you I'll try my best not to be so silly in the future.

-The hopefully NOT Misunderstood Lord Sauron,
CEO of MiddleEarth Enterprises"


That's right folks, it looks like a solution will soon be met. Oh wait! This just in! Another letter has been issued. It certainly seems hurried.


"My Dear, Wonderul Employees:

I've decided that you all are so valuable, contributive, capable individuals that we're just going to forget about negotiations altoghether. You're right. Absolutely right. I'm not paying you enough. And you should have vacation time. And you will. But first we all have to deal with a little problem, or there won't BE a Magical Land of Mordor at all.

There has been an attempt at sabotage on our fine park. A halfling spy was found trespassing in our spider exhibit (alas! no ring!) and there is a rumor of there being an elvish warrior on the loose, inflicting damage on the poor, endangered species living there. I have a terrible feeling about this. All efforts to find the One Ring must be redoubled.

Friends, these malicious individuals threaten to put us all out of business, which means no park, no salaries, no benefits, no anything.

As a certain elf has recently left my services, I have a very high-ranking position open. The first one to FIND THE ONE RING AND BRING IT TO ME will be appointed to this position.

I assure you, once the ring is mine, you'll all have your just rewards.

-The Rather Nervous Lord Sauron
CEO, MiddleEarth Enterprises"

[Sadbh]

CEO Sauron,

We at the S.O.N are grateful for your acceptance to these amendments. However,we must express our concern with the mumaks. Specifcly, in our last letter, we beseached you to please make sure no one shoots arrows in the eyes of the mumakil.

Two twins from Rohan were recently squashed in an attempt to blind and confuse the mumakil. Their country, I've heard, is putting up a very firm law suit in response to this blithering prank. They also have started questioning the content of your mumakil burgers, and have raised the question of the possible theft and consumation of horses in the theme park. (A young couple recently filed a complaint, claiming their horse's were stolen and that one of their burgers had a pinto color.)

Please excuse this, but just thought you might want to know, you know. Incase of a court hearing, we can recommend a very good law firm, the D.A.O.N (Defense Attornies of Nurn.) Thank you for your time, once more.

The S.O.N

[doug*platypus]

Attn: the Lord of all of our Rings,
Misunderstood Lord Sauron
CEO Middle-Earth Enterprises

RE: Merchandising

Greetings, Dark One, and apologies for the slight delay.

Recent instabilities in the Nan Curunir area have affected our main office, somewhat. I can assure you however, that reports of White Hand dishwashing gloves and tye-dye t-shirts of many colours featuring our Noble Platypus trademark are pure fiction. We here at Evil Monotreme Enterprises only deal with the Land of Mordor amusement park. It must've been a similar group, known as Evil Monotreme Corporation Incorporated. Yes, I think he'll believe that.

I am pleased to send with this letter a cheque for the last quarter shipments of Land of Mordor merchandise. I believe the agreed rate was 5%? Also, in regard to your comments about terms and conditions, I think that:

1. You may have complete control over the management of your restaraunt provided you run things exactly as I wish.

Is of course very fair, except that we don't actually manage any restaurants. Perhaps an individual contract may be more appropriate than simply copying an old one, Your Darkness.

You will be pleased to hear that the Minas Morgul doorstops have been selling quite well, although if you'd like to stir up some evil wind storms and send them across the land, I'm sure that couldn't hurt our sales. As requested, we have shipped out many beer tankards as well as coffee mugs. You will be delighted to hear that The Green Dragon at Bywater, The Shire has been one of our very best customers. Soon every hobbit will be giving Eye of Sauron beer tankards to a friend for their birthday. My local Sales people tell me that these will then give the tankards to other hobbits, and so on and so on.

If you have any further ideas for merchandise let me know,

Doug Platypus
Absolute Ruler
Evil Monotreme Enterprises

[Coral]

A dark figure rides up on a horse to the entrance of The Magical Land of Mordor. The cloaked figure drops a CD into the drop-slot.

It reads: "Legolas's dance mix, 101 disco songs picked by self-proclaimed prettiest elf in Middle Earth..."

Insane evil laughing is heard and a voice chanting,"I'm the prettiest!" As the figure rides into the distance...

[Coral]

*bump*