The Rules of War

[Hookbill the Goomba]

This idea came to me in a dream.

The phrase 'rules of war' always struck me as odd. All the same, I felt it was well worth making fun of. Considering all the obscure rules and regulations that are put onto battles and so on. In ancient times, these rules were very much unwritten. That's what I think was going on in Middle Earth times, as well. These unwritten laws make the battles some what more fair... Sometimes.

So, lets say Aragorn and Sauron sit down, have some tea, and write down some basic rules to govern their battles. It will be called; The Big Battle Rule Book. Also known as The BBRB Agreement. It was a long document! Full of articles, subsections, footnotes and words.

The task of this thread is for us to write down what sort of odd and obscure rules may have appeared in such a contract. Here is my first example;

According to Article 7, subsection 4, paragraph 9 of The BBRB Agreement;

No orc may wear striped trousers during any battle that takes place on Gondorian soil. If any orc is found wearing such a garment, the battle must stop immediately and said orc will be taken out in front of both armies and forced to burn his trousers. He must be wearing them at time of ignition.

*****

So... What other silly laws could there be for Middle Earthian warfare?

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

In a battle environment involving cliffs, no Steward is allowed to jump off a cliff, unless under one of these conditions:
A. The Steward is on fire,
B. a King is present on the battlefield, superior to the Steward, AND the King is looking in the direction of the Steward, OR the King is not looking in the direction of the Steward AND the leader of the opposite army is not looking in that direction either, OR the leader of the opposite army is looking in the direction of the Steward AND the King is looking in the opposite direction than the leader of the opposite army, i.e. in the opposite direction than where the Steward is; unless the King and the leader of the opposite army are in opposite directions so that the placement of their units in the field allows them both to look at the same place but not in the same direction at the same time,
C. the Steward is running.

The conditions A and B may apply at the same time, or the conditions B and C may apply at the same time, but the conditions A and C may not apply at the same time, i.e. either just one of them may apply OR one of them AND the condition B may apply; the conditions A, B, and C may not apply at the same time.

Violation of the rule is punished by dragging the Steward onto a nearest cliff and burning him alive without allowing him to jump off the cliff or run. The punishment is applied collectively by the leaders of all the battling armies. If the Steward is one of these leaders, the person next in command after him applies the punishment.

The #2017 addition to the rule:
If either condition A or C are fulfilled, the Steward may NOT be dead by the time of jumping. At least ten witnesses from at least two sides of the battle (i.e. at least five from each) need to verify that the Steward was alive by the time of jumping, in other case, the Steward will be punished according to the rule.

[Bêthberry]

Not sure where this article belongs--maybe in a section regarding the cleaning, maintenance and safe-keeping of weapons rather than in the manuals of actual warfare.

One must never improvise with one's weapon, but use it solely for the purpose for which it was intended. This means, no surf boarding with one's shield, as if the battle were an Olypmic games competition.

Note that swords can be used to skewer and shish ke bob meat over an open fire, as this enacts the original intent of the weapon while providing a fire which could benefit the maintenance of the weapon.

[Eönwë]

Nice thread Hookbill. I'll try my best.

On the battlefield, if one side bears swords, they must be of simple steel. It must not be made of any of the following: Copper, Bronze, Mithril or TILKAL. No weapons are allowed which are imbued with any spells, Elvish, Morgul or otherwise. No talking swords. No swords which have any function other than fighting. No extra-long sowrds, or those carved with runes or other writing.

If a spear is used, it must be made of finest maple and the point of nothing but steel, as specified under the Druadan Forest Convention of 1214. There may be no spear exceeding 9'6756" in length. Again, no magical spears. None cast with spells of unbinding of a certain individual. No spears of the Elder Days. None that are carved to be specifically aerodynamic or have feathers attached in the manner of arrows. If thrown, spears must be thrown by hand.

To make sure that the above rules are heeded, six of the highest ranking members on either side must witness the checking of each weapon. If a weapon is found to have any of the above properties, all twelve members stabbed with that weapon, unless it is intended for individual, in which case the battle must be postponed in time for other weapons of the sort to be made (if not found) for the purpose. The owner of such a weapon must thenbe chained to the back of a lame cave troll for fifty-five days, starting from one minute after noon. If the offender survives, they must use their weapon (if it still exists) to claim lordship over their army, and become the one who leads them in battle.
If the current leader rejects their claim, they must do 300 star-jumps to prove their authority before they can maintain control over their tropps.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Article 5, subsection Z, paragraph H

In the event of a tie, the highest ranking officials left on either side (most probably peasants at this point) must decide the victor by a simple game of hide and seek. The seeker is to be the winner of a mace battle. The Hider is not permited to hide in; trees, ents, mountains, houses, caves, holes (Hobbit or otherwise), boxes, crates, barels, long grass or towers.

Article 7, subsection B ,footnote 47, paragraph 2.6

No Biting.

[Lalwendë]

Is this suspiciously like a D&D rule book?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

Article 13, Section B.2, Subsection C, Paragraph 38, Line 89

You cannot pick your nose right before a battle without first consulting your neighbour. And if you do not consult your neighbour you get to spend the night with Shelob.

According to the next paragraph.

If one picks their nose and wipes it one another's shoulder, then you will be sentenced to a booger flinging the next day. (If you don't die in battle first)


(Geez, This is like the Fencing Handbook)

[the phantom]

Article 2, subsection 1, paragraph 3 of The BBRB Agreement;
If a cavalry charge is led by a partiularly heroic looking captain, orcs may not hold their ground, but must throw down their weapons and flee in terror.

Article 1, subsection 3, paragraph 2 of The BBRB Agreement;
If a Nazgul shrieks, all common soldiers within 50 yards must fall to their knees and weep. Soldiers between 50 and 100 yards must stagger backwards and let out an exclamation of dismay. Soldiers outside of 100 yards should twitch slightly and adopt a somewhat worried expression.

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

According to Article 7, subsection 42, paragraph 10 of The BBRB Agreement
No more than nine Nazgul may attend one battle at once.

Article 7, subsection 42, paragraph 11
No more than nine Ringwraith may attend one battle at once.

paragraph 12 (added after the Mirkwood Incident 2986 TA):
No more than nine Nazgul and/or Ringwraith combined may attend one battle at once.

***

#2987 addittion to the rule:
No more than nine Nazgul and/or Ringwraith and/or Úlairi and/or Shriekers and/or Black Riders and/or Fell Riders combined may attend one battle at once.

#3003 addittion to the rule:
And no more than nine Nine Riders may attend one battle at once.

Footnote: The BBRB Law Verification Commitee hereby expresses its hopes that this was the last addittion to the rule.
Footnote #2: Don't worry... - Sauron the Great

[The Elf-warrior]

Rule #54675 (1) All Mary-Sues or Gary-Stus must be counteracted by another Mary-Sue or Gary-Stu with equal or greater powers on the other side.

(2) Anyone caught violating this rule shall be slapped with a wet noodle and have their Fanfiction.net account revoked for seven months or until another Tom Clancy, John Grisham, or Stephen King book comes out.

(A) Any non-fiction books by said authors do not count unless Metallica, Megadeath, Slayer, or Paris Hilton release another album within forty two days of the release of said non fiction work.

Rule #86457638 (1) The playing of teen or tween idols in battle is strictly prohibited. Teen idols include but are not limited to the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana, Hilary Duff, N'Sync, Britney Spears, The Backstreet Boys, Jesse McCartney, Justin Timberlake (anyone caught playing the song Sexyback shall be executed by means of a pogo stick,) anyone connected with High School Musical or Camp Rock including but not limited to Ashley Teasdale, Corbin Bleu, Vanessa Williams and Demi Lovato.

(A) This statute shall not be construed to prohbit the playing of any bona fide emo artist or album.

(B) The playing of metal or cover versions of metal songs in a non metal style are not prohibited under this statute.

(i) For the purposes of this statue, nu metal and hardcore are metal.

(2) Anyone caught violating this statue will have all their magazines confiscated and replaced with an equivalent number of Donald Duck comic books.

Rule #53875692468

(1) Killing ambassadors is permitted if said ambassador shows a willful disregard for the rules of dental hygene.

Rule #57358953

(1) Due to rampant overuse, playing anything by Evanescence or Linkin Park is strictly prohibited under pain of confiscation of one's musical CD collection.

(A) For the purposes of this statue Metalcore, Screamo, Death Metal, Black metal, Grindcore, Hardcore, Rap, and any fusion of said genres are not music.

(i) For the purposes of this statute, folk metal, thrash metal, and symphonic metal are music and any combination of said genres with other musical genres is music.

(a) For the purposes of this statute, the album by Metallica entitled St. Anger is not music.

(B) For the purposes of this statute, anything by William Shatner is not music.

[Nogrod]

Article 10, subsection Y, paragraph B

The Ring-Wraiths need to be scary but not too effective or real danger.

At first the Hobbits with the Ring will manage to loose the Rider's track just hiding themselves - although on later days the Nazgul will sense anything... Then on Weathertop a few hobbits and a not-yet-born-inside-King will win them in a fight. But later the Witch King of Angmar will be a match for Gandalf the White himself just making whole armies run away...

Interesting he was the threath of all but still the Hobbits with Aragorn had no major problem with him even if they were alone against him and his fellows in the middle of nowhere...


So anywhere the storyline calls for it the deus ex machina should be called for - or the rules should be changed to meet the foreseen end...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Rule 4

No fighting. We wouldn't want this to turn into a war now would we?

[FeRaL sHaDoW]

Rule 18 of the BBRB Agreement;

No man can kill the witch-king.

[Eönwë]

Part A:
Heroes must have been fed on a strictly lembas diet for the last 2 weeks.

Part B:
When an Elf are having a contest to see how many orcs they can slay, if the dwarf starts catching up, the elf must get a fresh supply of orcs immediately to put him back in the lead. Failure to do this will result in a the punishment of public flogging with a soggy piece of lembas.

[Morai]

According to Article 18, subsection 6, paragraph 18, footnote 17 of The BBRB Agreement;

All words in a meeting of Ents considering waging battles must be uttered at exactly 14.6 words per hour. If the Ents decide to seige a tower, the rate of words uttered must be multiplied by 6 and divided by 5, then added to the square root of one fifth of eleventy-hundred to the sixth power of 96%. No graphing calculators are to be used unless a hobbit is present at the meeting. If two hobbits are at the meeting, multply the anwser by three. IF THE WIZARD AT SAID TOWER HAPPENS TO BE NAMED SAURUMAN, ALL HOBBITS PRESENT MUST ALSO CONSUME ENT DRAUGHT UNTIL THEY INCREASE IN HEIGHT.*

*Added by P. Took and M. Brandybuck.