The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Lush]

This drinking game is intended for entertainment purposes only. I have no affiliation to the Tolkien estate, and I do not own any of the fan fic characters discussed herein. In fact, I own pretty much nothing - unless you count some raggedy books and Elven-princess-stumbles-to-senior-prom heels.

The game can be played in two ways - you take either a shot or a sip of your chosen beverage (if you're not of legal drinking age, or else are wary of the dangers of alcohol - unlike yours truly - your beverage will be nonalcoholic). For clarity purposes, I'll only include shots below.

Please note that no otherworldly maidens/dashing heroes were harmed in the making of this production.

IHeroine/hero is the 10th member of the Fellowship - take a shot.

Heroine/hero has violet-coloured eyes - take a shot

Legolas teaches heroine/hero how to use bow - take a shot.

Heroine/hero out-performs Legolas with bow - take two shots.

Heroine/hero is described as any of the following: raven-haired, golden-haired, or as fiery redhead - take a shot.

Hero/heroine has near-death experience and wakes up in Middle Earth - take a shot.

Hero/heroine wakes up in Middle Earth to be immediately pounced upon by orcs, necessitating a dramatic rescue from Legolas, who just happened to be faffing about in the vicinity - take two shots.

Aragorn has "relationship problems" with Arwen - take a shot

Aragorn has "relationship problems" with Legolas - take two shots.

Gimli used as comic relief - take a shot.

Hobbits used as comic relief - take a shot.

Gandalf says to the heroine/hero "your fate is tied to the Ring" (or any variation thereof) - take a shot.

Boromir says something sexist - take a shot.

Denethor says something sexist - take two shots.

Saruman says something sexist - take three shots.

Legolas uses the word "melamin" - take a shot.

Legolas uses the phrase "tula sinome" - take two shots.

Gimli makes dumb joke - take a shot.

Gandalf makes dumb joke - take two shots.

Hero/heroine has to rescue Frodo, or Sam, or Pippin, or Merry, or a combination thereof - take a shot.

Random orc attacks randomly - take a shot.

Legolas broods about his feelings for hero/heroine - take a shot.

Legolas broods about something Thranduil said or did - take two shots.

Arwen is/becomes heroine's/hero's bestest friend 4-ever - take a shot.

Galadriel is/becomes heroine's/hero's bestest friend 4-ever - take two shots.

Legolas is described as "lithe" or "cat-like" - take a shot.

Legolas' ears are described as super-sensitive to touch - take two shots.

Hero/heroine is orphan - take a shot.

Hero/heroine is victim of horrible accident/abuse/bad weave - take two shots.

Hero/heroine is awesome with sword, despite not having any lessons, ever - take a shot.

Hero/heroine is awesome with sword and kills an entire platoon of orcs, all on account of taking a few fencing lessons, once - take two shots.

Hero/heroine is awesome with sword, slaughters Balrog, and makes Uruk-hai weep like naughty children - take three shots.

Hero/heroine wakes up back in her own world, only to run into Legolas, who's waited an x number of millennia to be reunited with his one true love again. The happy couple gets a dog/cat/gerbil and live happily ever after. Until they are whisked off to Valinor, to live happily ever after some more. - take three shots.

Please add to the game below.

[Nerwen]

I'm sure this has been done before, but who cares?

Hero/heroine has a special horse, which could basically be described as "Like Shadowfax, only much, much better". –take a shot.

Hero/Heroine owns an improbable number of extra-special weapons. –take a shot.

Heroine dresses in black leather. –take a shot.

Hero/Heroine is mentioned in a badly-rhymed Ancient Prophecy. –take two shots.

Hero/Heroine has a special connection to the Ring. –take two shots.

Hero/heroine is allowed to join the Fellowship despite being a vampire/werewolf/half-orc/Sauron's kid/something else which has no business being there. –take two shots.

Hero/heroine is a fairy/angel*/merperson/something else which has no business being in Middle-earth at all. –take three shots.

Legolas and Aragorn are old friends and have adventures together, most of which consist of being captured and tortured by random bad guys. –take a shot.

Aragorn or Legolas is deaf/blind/mute/scarred/paralysed. –take two shots.

The Council of Elrond scene from the movie is quoted verbatim. –take a shot.

The fic's premise means that the actual plot of LotR couldn't happen at all. –take three shots.


*Note: meaning traditional angel, with wings, not Ainu.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Heroine jumps on horse with no assistance, despite her petite stature and the gigantic size of the equine: take a shot.

Heroine's hair is described as "flowing" while riding: take a shot.

Heroine's hair is called "tresses" or "locks": take two shots.

Heroine's clothing (preferably an impractical, flimsy dress) is described in exhaustive detail: take a shot.

Heroine's clothing is called "feminine yet practical": take two shots (courtesy of ).

Heroine causes every man in sight to fall in love with her: take a shot.

Heroine causes Elrond/Denethor to decide to end his widowed status: take two shots.

Heroine becomes pregnant, decides to go back to her real life and raise the offspring of ..... without letting the child's father know of her condition: take a shot.

Heroine falls in love with Arwen, causing her to leave Aragorn so they can be together (alternative: Éowyn leaves Faramir for her): drink whatever beverage you want in any quantity you like, there's little danger - I've never seen it happen in any fan fiction I've ever read!


No shots are allowed for misspellings, homophones, and grammatical mistakes - no reader can possibly drink that much!


More:

Heroine is, unknown to herself at first, the heir to a kingdom in Middle-earth: take a shot.

Heroine's singing softens the hardest heart, even awaking the dead: take a shot.

Heroine's name has at least four syllables, of dubiously Elven origin: take a shot.

Heroine's name has at least six syllables, including elements from the various cultures of her mixed genetic background: take two shots.

[Morthoron]

Heroine is Galadriel's long lost love child: snort a shot of tequila.

Hero is either the sixth Istari or one of the Blue Wizards: shotgun a beer.

Half-elves have multiplied and now constitute an entire race: drink Jack from a flask and claim it's Miruvor.

The Hero/Heroine has a weapon crafted by Telchar of Nogrod: take a shot from a dagger sheathe.

Hero is an Elf-Pirate (recently displaced from the Caribbean): take a shot of rum.

Heroine has purple hair (obviously to match her violet eyes -- I swear I've read this!): Take a shot of hydrogen peroxide.

Heroine describes all female elves as 'Elfess' or 'Elfesses': Chug a Guinesses.

[Mithalwen]

This could be as intoxicating as the drinking game from my cousin's student years in the "Dallas" era "Drink along with Sue-Ellen....

Heroine is a pwinceth:
House of Dol Amroth -one shot
Elrond's second daughter - two shots (+bonus shot for half elf)
Descended from Elwing's missing brothers (+bonus shots for half elf and undermining subsequent history)

Incongruous naming 1-5 shots dependent on degree of silliness and whether it affects "book characters". Personally I would have instituted capital punishment for the person who, playing Elrond, gave him a horse named Peanut (it wasn't here)

Male pregnancy - 4 shots

Thranduil's wife is dead - 1 shot

Male character has female name - 2 shots

[Nerwen]

Heroine comforts depressed/injured characters by singing them a pop-song. –take a shot.

–And the story is named after said song. –take a shot.

–And there's an Author's Note about how incredibly appropriate the lyrics are. -take a shot. Make that two shots if the lyrics have no discernible relationship to Middle-earth, and three if, alternatively, the song is Enya's "May it Be".
–Update: and one more if "May it Be" is described as an ancient Elvish lulllaby.

Elrond, M.D. has to patch up the sick or injured hero/heroine. –take a shot.

Existing characters' origins are rearranged to suit the writer, e.g., Frodo is really the son of Galadriel (I've read this, honestly). –take two shots.

Hero/heroine is not just half-Elven, but the offspring of an Elf and a Maia. –take two shots.

–And said Maia is Sauron or Saruman. –take two shots.

–And the story has a suitably dramatic title, like "Child of Shadows", or "Daughter of Darkness". –take a shot.

Hero/heroine is an assassin. –take a shot. Take two if everyone treats this as a normal, socially acceptable career.

The heroine (it's always a heroine, in this case), is the Tenth Ringwraith. –take a shot. Take two shots if her sinister beauty is inexplicably visible to mortal eyes.
–No, on second thoughts, just take two shots anyway. She's always beautiful and visible.

[skip spence]

Oh dear. I've never felt so happy to be sober.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Originally Posted by skip spence

Oh dear. I've never felt so happy to be sober.

I could agree with that.

And to add one to the list:

Hero/Heroine is Gandalf's apprentice ala Harry Potter (or, conversely, villain/villainess is Saruman/Sauron's apprentice, also ala Harry Potter). Two shots for one, three for both, four or more for both plus villain/ess reforms and becomes the apprentice's BFF (and probably Gandalf's newest apprentice).

[Lalaith]

I once read some slash involving Legolas and Smaug. How much miruvor had I drunk, do you think?

[TheGreatElvenWarrior]

I'm very glad that I am not legally old enough to drink yet!

[Diamond18]

Heroine falls in love with Arwen, causing her to leave Aragorn so they can be together (alternative: Éowyn leaves Faramir for her): drink whatever beverage you want in any quantity you like, there's little danger - I've never seen it happen in any fan fiction I've ever read!

Ah Esty, you innocent thing. Google "Lotr slash" and prepare to get very drunk.



Legolas and Gimli fall in love. -- swig some mouthwash

Legolas discovers that Gimli is female, and they fall in love. -- drink some mouthwash.

Frodo/Sam -- best stick to water for this one.

Hero/heroine is a Hobbit who just happens to be adventurous and warrior-like, defying normal Hobbit tendencies, and this is not at all unusual. - Have a pint.

Heroine has a normal modern name, ending in -wyn or -wen (examples -- Nicolwyn, Alexawyn, Bethwen) -- chug a coke and mentoes

[Morthoron]

The misuse of OOC text: best defined as 'out of context' or 'out of control' -- a thwack with a ruler to the typing fingers and a shot of earwax solvent.

Elf-princes/princesses named Terry, Aslan, Felicia, Stephanie, Zero, Valve, Matthias, Jack Sparrow, etc.: any naming convention that includes Greek, Roman or Judaic names or words -- A shot of no-name brand vodka.

Heroes who are Night Elves: an invention of the Everquest game, usually having a shock of white hair and arcane magic -- a shot of reality.

Elves greeting people from atop trees branches: a stock meeting place (elves being squirrelish, I suppose) -- a shot of wormwood liquor.

Heroes who keep pet tigers, lions or wolves: exotic familiars are fairly unfamilar in middle-earth -- a furious spray from a hormonally imbalanced platypus.

There are no rabbis in Middle-earth: neither are there pastors, bishops, cardinals, popes, dalais, imams, ministers or deacons -- a shot of Benedictine.

Elf heroes are required to carry two daggers: and have luminescent blonde hair, of course -- a sip of champagne from Orlando Bloom's elf slipper.

[Oddwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Elves greeting people from atop trees branches: a stock meeting place (elves being squirrelish, I suppose) -- a shot of wormwood liquor.

"Tra-la-la-lally" doesn't count then, I take it.



A Hobbit is abused by another member of the Fellowship - take a shot.

Random Middle-earth denizens are thrown into a single house/room, resulting in hilarity - take a shot.

Fellowship members quoting modern movies - take a shot

The Fellowship is zapped to the Real World - take a shot

Gratuitous schmecks that doesn't concern Legolas or Aragorn - take a shot

A Fellowship member gets hit on the head and thinks he's someone/thing else - take a shot. (Two shot if it's Pippin)

Grima/Eowyn - take a shot.

Legolas torture that's actually funny on purpose - take a shot (and email me the link!)

AU (alternate universe) which places characters from other canons into the plot - take a shot of Butterbeer

AU which completely replaces the familiar denizens of Middle-earth with characters from another canon - take a shot

Harry Potter is the Mary-Sue - take a shot and curse Snape!

Aforespokenof Mary-Sue is turned from a human into a specific M-E race - take a shot

Legolas is joined with a mortal who isn't a Sue, even though they both know that their time together is short - take a shot

A female Ranger exists - take a shot

A male character is purposefully changed to female for narrative purposes - take a shot

Queen Arwen is kidnapped by brigands - take a shot.

Take one additional shot if Aragorn goes out alone to save her.

Take two additional shots if after she is saved, it's discovered she's pregnant and there is doubt about the paternity.

The daughter of a Fellowship member shows all the symptoms of being a Mary-Sue - take a shot

The daughter of a Fellowship member must start another Fellowship for whatever reason - take a shot

The Mary-Sue is actually named Mary-Sue for terribly ironic reasons - take two shots

A young Frodo tortured - take a shot

The presence of a villainess - take a shot

Elrond is abusive - take a shot

Elrond/Agent Smith jokes - take a shot, in bullet time


Any jokes about "The horn of Gondor", "Strawberry Soap", "Sam will kill you if you try anything", etc. without it actually being the Secret Diaries - take a shot

Boromir, going down Raurous, screaming "I'm not dead yet!" - find a shrubbery and take a shot

Saruman misspelled as "Aruman" - take a shot, and wonder if they ever wrote up to RotK...

Any torture that isn't sexual - take a bathroom break.

A daughter of Gandalf with a tragic past consisting of being captured and tortured by Grima & Saruman, along with the Fellowship, usurping Gandalf's place in everything, complete with lots of fainting, revealed powers, ear-biting by a sexist Boromir and an elven boyfriend who freaking lactates since all male elves breast-feed their lovers - shoot yourself.

Ooh, and also take a shot if the Fellowship somehow discovers bad fan-fiction.

[Lush]

a sip of champagne from Orlando Bloom's elf slipper.

*cocks eyebrow* Have you been following Orli and me around? Don't tell anyone what we get up to with those daggers. Children might be reading.

I've got a few more,

Legolas is way, way into casual relations with other Elves, until the hero/heroine captures his heart and sets him right. Of course, he never cheats on hero/heroine - take two shots.

Legolas cheats on hero/heroine, resulting in tedious subplot, usually involving random orcs attacking randomly, and lots of idiotic relationship advice from a seemingly lobotomized Gandalf - take three shots.

Moody Eomer is moody - take a shot.

Thranduil's realm closely resembles Playboy Mansion, with denizens who use words like "alas" - take two shots.

Hero/Heroine is always able to tame out-of-control equine - take a shot.

[Anguirel]

You collapse in giggles on reading this thread and are forced to briefly break cover - take half-a-dozen shots

[The Sixth Wizard]

Hero is either the sixth Istari or one of the Blue Wizards: shotgun a beer.

I get to drink beer? Awesome!

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Hero is an Elf-Pirate (recently displaced from the Caribbean): take a shot of rum.

Hero? I've seen a female Elf-Pirate, too. Also an entire Elven Pirate Ship that dropped anchor just outside Rivendell.

Which brings me to the latest addition:

The story plays havoc with Middle-earth's geography– e.g. Rivendell is now situated on the coast, on top of a mountain or on "vast, sweeping plains". –take a shot.

Rivendell is called "Riverdale". –take a shot. (I know someone said not to do misspellings, but that one's such a classic.)

Legolas has an evil half-brother or evil twin. –take a shot.

The sons of Elrond are pranksters. –take a shot.

Arwen is a giggling twit who gives the heroine a makeover. –take a shot.

The characters are not only in the real world, they're in high school. –take two shots.

The story is an alleged parody, titled something like "Lord of the Burger Rings". –take two shots.

–And the synopsis says "Warning: RANDOMNESS!!!!!. –take a shot. (Translation– "Warning: Stupid".)

The author, having been too mesmerised by Orli's platinum wig to pay any attention to the plot at all, refers to the Nine Walkers collectively as "Lord of the Rings". –take three shots.

[Oddwen]

If you're guilty of having more than five of these scenarios in your own fanfiction - slap yourself on the wrist and take a shot

Take an additional shot if it's all in the same one story.

[Nerwen]

Let's see... you mean like that one where Legolas' half-angel daughter got rescued by Glorfindel from a pack of random Orcs just outside the city of Rivendell? And then Elrond used his amazing healing powers on her? And she had an Irish male name? And Elladan fell in love with her? But it could never be because she was promised to another angel? And Legolas cried bitter tears as he recalled how his evil, angel-hating father had tried to kill his own granddaughter, leaving her with a terrible scar on her earlobe? And then Legolas turned out to have wings too, having turned into an angel himself due to being bitten by his angel wife? And then they went out carousing with the crew of the Elven pirate ship? And then Aragorn and Legolas had sex in a tree? And Mrs Legolas joined them to make a threesome? And then they got attacked by random Orcs again, and Legolas' daughter slaughtered heaps of them, but Legolas and Mrs Legolas were captured and tortured (Legolas had his wings cut off)? And Elladan comforted Legolas' daughter, falling even more deeply in love with her? And then the angel daughter's angel fiance showed up to be Elladan's rival? And then the writer deleted the story because nobody understood what a genius she was?

Yeah, that one. It was called "Complexity".

[Morthoron]

Some fan-fic is just unbelievably corny...

Aragorn is a conflicted and reluctant hero: undecided about the future, haunted by the past -- take one shot and whine to the bartender.

An Elvish army magically appears at a battle they were never at, over terrain controlled by 10,000 orcs: then just as magically, they disappear after the battle -- take 2 shots of air.

Arwen has uber-magic powers: usually arcane powers reserved for ring-wielders alone -- take a shot and a sprinkling of pixie dust.

Elves using mental telepathy: a full conversation over a distance of several hundred miles -- levitate the shot to your lips with your mind and call your mother.

The Army of the Dead appearing where they never were: and are best described as a great green horde of Scrubbing Bubbles -- take a shot of Drano.

Rather mediocre, eh?

[Nerwen]

Oh, that fan fic...

Shhh! Don't let a certain party hear you...

[Diamond18]

Ha this thread is priceless. Though it really belongs in Mirth. :P

I wish I could come up with more to list, but since I generally avoid any fan fiction like the plague, I've been spared any first hand knowledge of the common, ehm, missteps.

But really, I almost want to read that one about Legolas' half-angel daughter. It sounds so... complex...

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Oh, that fan fic...

You are just too clever Nerwen.

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Let's see... you mean like that one where Legolas' half-angel daughter got rescued by Glorfindel from a pack of random Orcs just outside the city of Rivendell, and etc.

That is so bizarre it defies description, but somehow I see Keanu Reeves cast in the film version.

[Elmo]

This is why I don't read fanfic I'd be an alcoholic.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Diamond18

But really, I almost want to read that one about Legolas' half-angel daughter. It sounds so... complex...

Alas, she took it down. Not only did people keep saying mean things, but she was terrified of being plagiarised.
The story was at first thought to be a "troll-fic", i.e. a deliberately bad/weird story written as a hoax, but way the she reacted when a friend of mine tried to correct her grammar put paid to that theory.

Originally Posted by Morthoron

That is so bizarre it defies description, but somehow I see Keanu Reeves cast in the film version.

Whoa.

Originally Posted by Elmo

This is why I don't read fanfic I'd be an alcoholic.

Actually, if you played this game with some fanfic, you wouldn't be an alcoholic. You'd die.

[Oddwen]

Take a shot if the disclaimer at the beginning of the story contains any form of "I don't own Tolkien's characters, sadly."

Add another if after this statement is made, a Tolkien character pops up whining about being let out of the torture basement once in a while.

[Nerwen]

And two more if the disclaimer is followed by threats of legal action against anyone who copies the story or characters.

And, of course, the big one:

Synopsis says: "NOT a Mary Sue!!!" –take four shots.

[Nerwen]

somehow I see Keanu Reeves cast in the film version.

That reminds me: I was thinking of starting a "Let's NOT cast The Silmarillion" thread. It would feature the worst possible casting choices.

Keanu Reeves as... well as anyone springs to mind.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Keanu Reeves as... well as anyone springs to mind.

Yes, precisely. His range has never exceeded Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure; except, sometimes he has a beard (also, he is very reminiscent of Orlando Bloom as far as emoting).

Originally Posted by Nerwen

That reminds me: I was thinking of starting a "Let's NOT cast The Silmarillion" thread. It would feature the worst possible casting choices.

We should start directly. Might I suggest Quentin Tarentino or Spike Lee to direct?

[Nerwen]

Perfect!

We need to open a new thread for this, though.

EDIT: I've started one in the "Mirth" section.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Elmo

This is why I don't read fanfic I'd be an alcoholic.

Well I do read fanfic and err ..that is a vile and unfounded rumour

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Oddwen

If you're guilty of having more than five of these scenarios in your own fanfiction - slap yourself on the wrist and take a shot

Take an additional shot if it's all in the same one story.

Quite so, but it too fun/funny to write for me to care.

My liver hurts and all I've done is read this thread.

Haldir and the Lorien warriors appears to save the day often- Take a shot
Hero/Heroine is Galadriel and Celeborn's other child- Take a shot
Hero/Heroine had one mortal parent and one elven parent who gave up their immortality- Take a shot
Arwen/Legolas- Take a shot
Hero/Heroine captures the heart of Frodo and wipes away the pain from the Ring- Take a shot
Gollum/Sam or Frodo pairing- Cry and down a bottle of vodka

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Hmmm, all of this could lead to the need for a new 12-step program.... ("Hello, my name is Ibrin, and it's been three months since I read my last -- oh, wait a sec, is there a new posting on...?")

[satansaloser2005]

I'm sure this has been mentioned, but I think if I read all the posts I would laugh myself to death. *chuckles*




One from me:
If the fic mentions Frodo's bright blue eyes (or as my duck likes to call them, "cerulean orbs"). One shot.

Some from Emily. Cheers:
If Pippin has a Scottish accent. One shot.
....Written in. Another shot.
(both of these only apply if the fics claim to be bookverse accurate)
For every suicide attempt on the part of Frodo, one shot.
If the fic's title is taken from the song "Into the West". One shot.
If it deals with Frodo and/or Sam in Eressea, add one more.



*swaggers*

[satansaloser2005]

I asked Emily if she'd like to contribute anything. She gave me the above, then came up with more. Heh.

If Frodo does not sail: 1 shot.
Because he's found healing by falling in Wuv: 2 shots.
If Pippin has "Speshul Faerie Powers" because Somebody took one line in The Hobbit waaaay out of proprotion: 1 shot.
If the hobbits are ever described as "snuggling": chug some Dramamine.

And an addition to my "cerulean orbs" comment: Drink a pint of Butterbeer if Frodo got them from his mum.

[Nerwen]

"Story" is a thinly-veiled attempt to promote the author's religion or political cause. –take a shot. Two if this is completely out of place in Middle-earth.

–A thinly-veiled attempt to promote the author's personal interest/hobby. –take a shot. Again, take another if this is highly unlikely to be popular in M-e.

–A thinly-veiled attempt to promote the author's sexual fetish. –take two shots. Take three more if said kink involves rape, torture, bestiality or incest. If it involved more than two of these... shoot yourself.

[Kitanna]

Hero/Heroine is a wielder of magic in a Harry Potter, we can all be wizards, sort of way - take a shot
Frodo has a half-elf, half-hobbit child* - Take two shots
Fellowship reunites - take a shot
There's another dragon to kill or it'll ruin everyone's life for realz - Take a shot
Author admits to never having read the books and based it on the movies - take three shots and cry

* Found this one floating about and I laughed quite hard.

[Thenamir]

You know, I might take it on as a personal challenge to write every one of these items into a single story (minus the slash/sexual parts) and thus create some kind of mass-comatose binge.

It'll have to wait until I can get the next post for REB III up...which has been in the works for, what, 10 months now?

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Thenamir

You know, I might take it on as a personal challenge to write every one of these items into a single story (minus the slash/sexual parts) and thus create some kind of mass-comatose binge.

It'll have to wait until I can get the next post for REB III up...which has been in the works for, what, 10 months now?

If you would care to have an accomplice, I would love to add a character to the mayhem. Perhaps a few roleplayers could make the most wretched "Mary-Sue and the Middle-earth High School Massacre, Part IV: The Seduction of Arwen's Blind Sister" ever created.

I even have the perfect starting sentence:

"It was a dark, stormy night."

*The Dark Elf takes a shot for even thinking of something so diabolical*

[Gwathagor]

Wormwood liquor...is that the same thing as absinthe?