The Filmarillion (Of The Making of the Megabucks)

[Thenamir]

Soon after the time that the making of the LOTR movies was just announced, this appeared on the web:

THE FILMARILLION
Of the Making Of the Megabucks

Great were the wonders of the Golden Age!

For the people, in those days, purchased for themselves Seeing-Boxes, filled with light; and from within that light the Wise Ones spake unto them, and gave them counsel. And Uncle Miltie spake; and Lucy, who is called the Red-Haired, and also Amos and Andy, who are called the Politically Incorrect and are named now only in the whispers of the Ancient Ones.

And that age passed; and the people settled for a while in the Land of Mayberry, and they said unto themselves, 'Shall not another Wise One come? For wherewith now shall we be entertained?' And some of them departed unto Beverly Hills, and joined themselves to the tribe that is called the Hillbillies; and some came unto the House of Samantha, who is called the Nose-Twitcher, and there waited.

And in that time, as if in answer to the cry of the people, came Roddenberry, son of Roddenberry. And from the mind and will of Roddenberry came forth the Federation, and the Federation of Roddenberry begat the Trekkies, who are called among themselves the Trekkers, and among others the Geeks. And the people were glad of the Federation, and of its heroes. And among these were Spock, the Almost-Elven, and Kirk the Overdone, from whom sprang Picard of the Shining Head, and likewise the valiant ones of sundry spinoffs.

Yet in time the Federation spake no more from the Seeing-Boxes, for the people grew restless and looked instead to the greater lights that shone within the multiplexes. And the Federation was made manifest, after a time, in the multiplexes; and the people were glad.

After a time Roddenberry traveled, as is the fate of Men, the Road of No Returning; but, lo! The Federation died not, but continued for a time beyond his passing, though many of its sons grew vast in girth and purchased, in the time of their fading, toupees of great worth.

And in these days came Lucas, who is called the Almost-Spielberg. And Lucas said unto himself, 'Truly hath Roddenberry gone where no man hath gone before; yet a greater thing shall I bring forth than that which was wrought by Roddenberry; and with it shall I make the Megabucks; and all shall tremble when the Megabucks are made.'

And Lucas brought forth the Force, and truly made the Megabucks; and Lucas brought the Megabucks unto the Film Executives, and they worshipped them and said, 'Truly art thou king, for the Megabucks art brought forth by thee.' And Lucas brought forth Happy Meals, and plastic action figures, and other wondrous treasures, and offered them unto the Children of the Force, and all were content, and the Megabucks grew greater.

Then did the Trekkies make war upon the Children of the Force; but after a time they said among themselves, 'Why war we thus? Truly, some are of the Federation, and others of the Force; yet are we not all Geeks?' And so they ceased to war, and the numbers of the Geeks were doubled, and they filled all the land.

Others then said unto themselves, 'Are the Megabucks for Lucas alone?' and they sought for themselves the Megabucks. Among these was Lynch, who is called Creepy, Even By Hollywood Standards. And Lynch brought forth Dune, and perished in the making of it; and the Megabucks came not unto him, and Dune was left to wither and decay upon the shelves of the Temple of Blockbuster. Likewise fell many other heroes.

And Lucas brought forth the Force again, and yet again, and yet again; and still the Megabucks came unto him. And Lucas said, 'Forever shall the Megabucks be mine; and if the people like not Jar Jar Binks, then shall I weep all the way to the bank.'

But some of the people said, 'Is there not a greater than the Force?' and in answer came Jackson, who is called the Townsend-Sacker. And Jackson said:

'A greater song have I than that of Roddenberry, or of Lucas. And if the Megabucks are brought unto me, then shall I bring forth that song from which the Force in part was sprung, and all shall marvel. And Lucas shall bow before me, and likewise Spielberg, who is called The One.'

Then were the Megabucks brought unto Jackson, and Jackson called unto himself many of renown to serve him. Among these were Liv of the Pouty Lips, and Viggo, who is called Should Have Been a Marx Brother; and also came Ian Of the Alternative Lifestyle; and John, who is called the Big Fat Guy.

And the people said, 'Truly Jackson maketh a good thing, or so it seemeth. And if he doeth well, then shall the Megabucks come unto him, and all shall praise him. But if he doeth ill, or bringeth forth the like of Dune, then shall we rend him asunder, and his house shall fall, and great will be the stench of its burning.'

Thus began the tale of which the ending is not known to the Sons of Men.

I would like to start a thread in which we collectively complete this tale, now that the ending is known -- PJ truly made the megabucks, the movies were hot sellers, and his house did not fall -- each of us contributing whatever part motivates you to write, but in the same humorous fashion.

Here's how I think it should work. Anyone who wishes should select a piece of the saga of making the movie with which you are reasonably familiar -- for example, the hiring and firing of Stuart Townsend to play Aragorn -- and work it into the narrative in the same style, in good taste, and as funny as you can make it. I have written a few examples below to get us started.

The posts need not be in chronological order -- in other words, if you think of something to add which comes before the events already posted, post it anyway -- as a site admin, I can always rearrange the posts into the correct order, if needed.

Let's try this out and see what happens. My initial contributions are posted below.

[Thenamir]

And Jackson took the Megabucks which were brought unto him by the Brothers of the Stein-Of-Wine, and with wisdom used them to draw other great and skillful men of reknown to assist him in forging the mighty song into reality, that yet more Megabucks should be brought forth thereby. Among them was Osborne, known among the Geeks as the Matrix-Builder, and Lee the Paintmaster; and the Creators of Visions, who were all-WETA. And lo, their numbers swelled, until in time they numbered in the many hundreds.

[Thenamir]

But many also were the Naysayers, who said amongst themselves (and to any who might listen), “Verily, Lucas alone is the Lord of the Pixels, and ruleth over them with the mystical Eye of El-Emm, and without his insuperable Wall of Rendering the Filmarils Jackson createth will be feeble and lame.” And Jackson spake unto them saying, “Great indeed is the Wall of Lucas, and strong is the power of Eye El-Emm. Yet will I not be beholden to that Eye, and with the Megabucks I will build a MASSIVE army with which to mine the Pixels and cause their brightness to be known afar.”

And Jackson armed his WETAns with ever greater and more powerful blades, so that the Creators of Visions could make war and wrest control over the mines of the Pixels until their captured light shone from their desktop boxes. And wondrous sights both glorious and tragic did they craft, and called upon the arcane and oracular Eye of Seajee to make their visions live and move – and behold, the Seajee Eye answered them with great power, and the visions rose in their various forms, and they walked and battled and spoke and sang with great clarity and pulchritude. (And the naysayers looked at the word “pulchritude” with amazement, and some dove for their dictionaries, while others sagely replied, “what?”)

[Thenamir]

Yet Jackson knew in his heart that Pixels alone doth not a Megabuck make, unless one is telling stories of toys, or searching for small clownfish – legends which do not enter into our story. Jackson therefore set forth seeking just the right place wherein the Filmarils could be wrought not only with skill, but with heart-rending beauty, ranging far and wide across the lands of the sons of men. Yet it was only in returning to the land of his birth that he discovered with joy the very pristine wildness which lent itself best to the vision of the great song, and found there such renewed enthusiasm for his work that in after days that place became known as the Land of New Zeal.

[Thenamir]

And for a time there was contentment, and preparations for the crafting of the Filmarils proceeded apace. But then, like the rumblings of an approaching Oliphaunt, a swell of noise began to rise from the voices of a people both persistent and perilous, whom the educated call the Pedants, known also to the common folk as the N’erds, as vast in knowledge as they were narrow of mind. And the Pedants were focused and intent, and numerous were the nits of their picking. “Forsooth,” said they, though none of them knew the sooth for which they spoke, “the Filmarils must in no wise deviate from that design set forth by Jonron, He Who Reueleth. Neither jot not tittle shall he add, and none omit, lest we vent our wrath on him by withholding our tribute at the Office of the Box!” And with these and many other words of imprecation did the N’erds assail Jackson.

And to their demands Jackson feigned to acquiesce, outwardly professing great loyalty for the brilliance of Jonron. Yet did he say in his heart, “these N’erds understand not the creation of a Filmaril, nor the essence of that which will draw the Megabucks unto the sacred Office of the Box. Verily, I shall remould the designs of Jonron The Reueler as I will, and with my Fran I will Walsh my hands of the picking of their nits.” And the Pedants were appeased, for a time.