How many.....? - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

littlemanpoet · 01-30-2007, 04:33 PM

Okay, tell me if this is a bad idea or just ignore it, but there's a certain thread on Books that got me thinking this way.

You know how there are all those jokes about how many ________ does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, why not do a thread with "how many" jokes based on Tolkien's writings? In other words, why not see how many times we can make the poor old Beren roll over in his grave?

You can change the creature, and you can change what gets changed. Uh, get it?

I'm not very good at jokes, but I'm sure bunches of you are, so feel free to improve on my poorish attempt, or come up with one of your own, or answer my ridiculous question with an clever, clownish, humorous answer of your own. (See? I'm so bad at this I'm leaving it to the rest of you to come up with an answer 'cause I can't think of one.....)

How many Huorns does it take to change a Palantir?

Bêthberry · 01-30-2007, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlemanpoet

How many Huorns does it take to change a Palantir?

None, because Huorns wouldn't desecrate a cotton tree to make cloth nappies and Middle-earth doesn't have disposable ones.

Is that the idea?

littlemanpoet · 01-30-2007, 09:26 PM

Great start!

Thanks!

Anybody else?

And feel free to add your own wrinkle. Such as.....

....how many hobbits does it take to trick a dragon?

... or whatever....

Farael · 01-30-2007, 10:29 PM

I think I've been too much on the 'downs... the threads are getting all mixed up and running together in my mind

How many free peoples of ME does it take to annoy Sauron?

Nine men, who above all else, desire a quick cheap laugh, like a dwarf burping
Seven dwarves, great miners but even better pranksters
Three elves, fairest and most witty of all beings

But they were all deceived because one more kind of free people would do the trick.

One hobbit to destroy the ring and ruin it all

Rikae · 01-31-2007, 10:43 AM

How many Uruks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll pop?

Morai · 01-31-2007, 04:51 PM

Quote:

How many Uruks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll pop?

None, for all the Uruks had a deadly brawl over the candy.

How many Bder's does it take to win ME Idol?

littlemanpoet · 02-01-2007, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morai

How many Bder's does it take to win ME Idol?

None, because the thread died of unpopularity.

How many Elves does it take to lose a Silmaril?

the guy who be short · 02-02-2007, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elempi

How many Elves does it take to lose a Silmaril?

I don't know, but I can guarantee it's far less than it takes to find it again!

How many Roads must a Hobbit walk down before he can be called eccentric?

Legate of Amon Lanc · 02-02-2007, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the guy who be short

How many Roads must a Hobbit walk down before he can be called eccentric?

One, but he has to walk it there and back again and on and on.

How many trees is a company?

Estelyn Telcontar · 02-03-2007, 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Legate of Amon Lanc

How many trees is a company?

Two. As the proverb plainly says: "Two's company, three's a forest."

How many swords does it take to kill a Ringwraith?

Beanamir of Gondor · 02-05-2007, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Estelyn Telecontar

How many swords does it take to kill a Ringwraith?

Usually just one, but it might take two if you're a Hobbit or a Shieldmaiden of Rohan...

How many Balrogs did it take to mortally wound Fëanor?

(P.S. This is a fun idea!)

Legate of Amon Lanc · 02-10-2007, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beanamir of Gondor

How many Balrogs did it take to mortally wound Fëanor?

Two winged, two unwinged, three marine, seven submarine and fourteen anti-tank.

(this is really fun idea)

How many Ruffians did it take to capture Lobelia Sackville-Baggins?

The Might · 02-11-2007, 03:50 AM

10, the first 9 got beaten up by her umbrella

How many Elves does it take to change a lightbulb?

Estelyn Telcontar · 02-11-2007, 06:39 AM

None - Elves don't like change!! (Galadriel would probably keep lightbulbs burning through all the ages with the power of her ring...)

How many Hobbits does it take to build a skyscraper?

Rikae · 02-11-2007, 08:09 AM

That depends on how fat they are and whether you stack them horizontally or vertically.

How many hobbits does it take to catch a catfish?

The Might · 02-11-2007, 11:43 AM

0, Men do it for them and then trade the catfish for pipeweed

How many Dragons does it take to defeat Bilbo ?

the guy who be short · 02-12-2007, 07:39 AM

Quote:

How many Dragons does it take to defeat Bilbo ?

Just the one. You see, dragons can breathe fire, and while Bilbo may cook better than he cooks, he still cooks, if you get me.

How many Dwarves do you need to re-take Moria?

littlemanpoet · 02-12-2007, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the guy who be short

How many Dwarves do you need to re-take Moria?

One: to inadvertently drop something down a well and awaken the Balrog, then run for his life until he finds a wizard willing to sacrifice himself, then come along afterward and take all the credit....until the goblins kill him.

How many wargs does it take to defeat a wizard?

The Might · 02-12-2007, 10:03 AM

Wizards have the habit of flying away from trouble so I guess wargs can't manage to defeat him

How many bottles of Dorwinion wine does it take to get Aragorn drunk?

littlemanpoet · 02-17-2007, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Might

How many bottles of Dorwinion wine does it take to get Aragorn drunk?

Nine. After Miruvor, Dorwinion wine's a piece of cake (after a manner of speaking).

How many silver spoons does it take to satisfy Lobelia?

The Elf-warrior · 02-17-2007, 06:35 PM

How many silver spoons does it take to satisfy Lobelia?

As many as it takes to fill all the closets and storage chests in Bag End, i. e. a grand total of 7342.

How many rangers does it take to scare away a Barrow-wight?

Beanamir of Gondor · 02-18-2007, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Elf-Warrior

How many rangers does it take to scare away a Barrow-wight?

Cleverly Disguised Ranger of Ithilien: About three, depending on how well the bird calls go.
Scruffy Dunedain Ranger with Sketchy Royal Heritage: Just one... and it goes quicker if he's got Anduril. *grumble*

I can't resist.
How many arrows did it take to slay Boromir?

Bêthberry · 02-18-2007, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beanamir of Gondor

I can't resist.
How many arrows did it take to slay Boromir?

Just the one that finally made him a bleeding heart.

How many brushes did it take to keep Galadriel's hair healthy?

Mithalwen · 02-18-2007, 12:04 PM

Two brushes, one comb, shampoo, conditioner, finishing gloss, intensive moisturising treatments, frizz-ease, elnett and a full-time stylist (the bod standing behind Haldir in the FOTR film) - hair that long needs a LOT of attention.

How many Dwarves does it take to light a barbecue?

The Might · 02-18-2007, 01:44 PM

1 if there is beer as well
If there is no beer available, there isn't any point in making the barbecue for Dwarves

How many barrels of pipeweed does it take to satisfy Merry?

Gil-Galad · 02-20-2007, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Might

How many barrels of pipeweed does it take to satisfy Merry?

There aren't enough barrels of Pipeweed right now to be sure yet.

How many of Gothmogs Troll Guards must die till the Trolls realize that joining Gothmogs Troll guard isn't that great after all?

littlemanpoet · 02-20-2007, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gil-Galad

How many of Gothmogs Troll Guards must die till the Trolls realize that joining Gothmogs Troll guard isn't that great after all?

All of them. They're too stupid to figure it out for themselves.

How many tresses of Luthien's hair does it take to make a serviceable ladder?

Bêthberry · 02-20-2007, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlemanpoet

How many tresses of Luthien's hair does it take to make a serviceable ladder?

None, as Luthien could simply take the form of Thuringwethil and escape on a wing and a prayer.

How many Balrogs does it take to illuminate a lightbulb?

The Squatter of Amon Rûdh · 02-20-2007, 11:58 AM

148,297.

We arrive at this answer by the application of Thû's Axiom, which in its simplest form works like this:

1. Pick a number, any number
2. Multiply by the square root of the top speed (in microns per hour) of your favourite Scalextric car.
3. Add the number of hairs on the most famous yak
4. Divide by the number of times your bank manager blinked in the last five minutes
5. Write the result on a piece of paper and pass it to the nearest person with an 'x' in their name. They should repeat steps 1-4 above.
6. Ask The Squatter of Amon Rûdh how many Balrogs it takes to illuminate a lightbulb.
7. Get a better evil henchperson name.

You can tell that I'm right because never in Tolkien's fiction do we see a Balrog in a situation where a lightbulb would be useful and a lightbulb has, in fact, been installed. This is clearly because in no version of the legends would there ever have been enough Balrogs, balrogs or balRogs (not to mention bAlrOgs) to power the number of bulbs required to make it a viable technology.

How many eagles does it take to install a doorbell?

Volo · 02-20-2007, 02:40 PM

Zero. For a strange reason doorbells get installed without eagles. Saruman has a theory that the doorbells install themselves at just the thought of eagles doing it. This theory might be total rubbish. A famous orc scientist Stchû has worked on the matter for a long long time. She preaches that the doorbells are actually installed by Saruman and that he wants to frame the eagles for an unknown reason.

How many times did Tolkien rewrite The Lord of the Rings before it was published for the first time?

Morai · 02-20-2007, 05:54 PM

How many times did Tolkien rewrite The Lord of the Rings before it was published for the first time?

None. He found it on the internet, printed it out, and sent it to the publishing company. Luckily for Tolkien, no one ever bothered to look into it.

How many times will a BDer incorrectly guess another BDer's gender before he/she gets it right?

((Hopefully this is okay. I'll change it if it isn't))

Bêthberry · 03-03-2007, 08:21 AM

Quote:

How many times will a BDer incorrectly guess another BDer's gender before he/she gets it right?

It depends on whether the BDer is a stalker or not.

How much longbottom leaf does it take to learn how to blow smoke simarils instead of smoke rings?

The Might · 03-03-2007, 09:58 AM

If you smoke enough you'll see smoke silmarils, even though you're not really doing them

How many Druedain does it take to defeat Beorn?

littlemanpoet · 03-17-2007, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Might

How many Druedain does it take to defeat Beorn?

Three. Two to dig the hole. One to dress like a goblin and smear himself with honey.

How many oliphaunts (mûmaks) does it take to win a skirmish against Ithilien Rangers?

The Might · 03-17-2007, 01:13 PM

Enough mumaks to create a continous line between Anduin and the Ephel Duath
That way by moving north at the same time, the mumaks would squish all the rangers...ingenious isn't it?

How many Nazgul does it take to get the One Ring?

Legate of Amon Lanc · 03-17-2007, 01:44 PM

Ten.
So as you can see, the defeat of Sauron was ultimately caused by the fact that he run out of Rings.

How many Gondorians does it take to eat the White Mountains?*

*they do - cf. LotR V; Chapter 5

The Might · 03-19-2007, 01:21 PM

1 (Forlong the Fat, who else?)

How many crazy mumak actions from Legolas did it take to save the day at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields?

Bêthberry · 03-19-2007, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Might

How many crazy mumak actions from Legolas did it take to save the day at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields?

I don't know. I'll have to check the apocryphal entry in the Redbook by Gorbadoc N'erdowell, Shooting a Mumak.

How many trees does it take to make Greenwood the Great?

Legate of Amon Lanc · 03-20-2007, 10:00 AM

One great tree, which you cut down and paint its wood green.

How many winged Nazgul does it take to safely transport the Mordor-orcs to the other side of Anduin?

The Might · 03-20-2007, 10:25 AM

Just the WK on his fell beast to scare off the Gondorians and capture the bridge

How many wargs does it take to defeat a "movie warg"?

01-30-2007, 04:33 PM	#1
littlemanpoet Itinerant Songster Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: The Edge of Faerie Posts: 7,066	How many.....? Okay, tell me if this is a bad idea or just ignore it, but there's a certain thread on Books that got me thinking this way. You know how there are all those jokes about how many ________ does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, why not do a thread with "how many" jokes based on Tolkien's writings? In other words, why not see how many times we can make the poor old Beren roll over in his grave? You can change the creature, and you can change what gets changed. Uh, get it? I'm not very good at jokes, but I'm sure bunches of you are, so feel free to improve on my poorish attempt, or come up with one of your own, or answer my ridiculous question with an clever, clownish, humorous answer of your own. (See? I'm so bad at this I'm leaving it to the rest of you to come up with an answer 'cause I can't think of one.....) How many Huorns does it take to change a Palantir?

01-30-2007, 10:29 PM	#4
Farael Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: In hospitals, call rooms and (rarely) my apartment. Posts: 1,538	I think I've been too much on the 'downs... the threads are getting all mixed up and running together in my mind How many free peoples of ME does it take to annoy Sauron? Nine men, who above all else, desire a quick cheap laugh, like a dwarf burping Seven dwarves, great miners but even better pranksters Three elves, fairest and most witty of all beings But they were all deceived because one more kind of free people would do the trick. One hobbit to destroy the ring and ruin it all __________________ I prepared Explosive Runes this morning.

02-11-2007, 03:50 AM	#13
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	10, the first 9 got beaten up by her umbrella How many Elves does it take to change a lightbulb? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown

02-11-2007, 06:39 AM	#14
Estelyn Telcontar Princess of Skwerlz Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: where the Sea is eastwards (WtR: 6060 miles) Posts: 7,500	None - Elves don't like change!! (Galadriel would probably keep lightbulbs burning through all the ages with the power of her ring...) How many Hobbits does it take to build a skyscraper? __________________ 'Mercy!' cried Gandalf. 'If the giving of information is to be the cure of your inquisitiveness, I shall spend all the rest of my days in answering you. What more do you want to know?' 'The whole history of Middle-earth...'

02-11-2007, 11:43 AM	#16
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	0, Men do it for them and then trade the catfish for pipeweed How many Dragons does it take to defeat Bilbo ? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown

01-30-2007, 09:26 PM	#3
littlemanpoet Itinerant Songster Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: The Edge of Faerie Posts: 7,066	Great start! Thanks! Anybody else? And feel free to add your own wrinkle. Such as..... ....how many hobbits does it take to trick a dragon? ... or whatever....

01-31-2007, 10:43 AM	#5
Rikae Mellifluous Maia Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A glade open to the stars, deep in Nan Elmoth Posts: 3,489	How many Uruks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll pop?

02-11-2007, 08:09 AM	#15
Rikae Mellifluous Maia Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A glade open to the stars, deep in Nan Elmoth Posts: 3,489	That depends on how fat they are and whether you stack them horizontally or vertically. How many hobbits does it take to catch a catfish?

02-12-2007, 10:03 AM	#19
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	Wizards have the habit of flying away from trouble so I guess wargs can't manage to defeat him How many bottles of Dorwinion wine does it take to get Aragorn drunk? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown

02-17-2007, 06:35 PM	#21
The Elf-warrior Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Virginia. Posts: 952	How many silver spoons does it take to satisfy Lobelia? As many as it takes to fill all the closets and storage chests in Bag End, i. e. a grand total of 7342. How many rangers does it take to scare away a Barrow-wight? __________________ Fenris Wolf: WW LXXX.

02-18-2007, 12:04 PM	#24
Mithalwen Pilgrim Soul Join Date: May 2004 Location: watching the wonga-wonga birds circle... Posts: 9,458	Two brushes, one comb, shampoo, conditioner, finishing gloss, intensive moisturising treatments, frizz-ease, elnett and a full-time stylist (the bod standing behind Haldir in the FOTR film) - hair that long needs a LOT of attention. How many Dwarves does it take to light a barbecue? __________________ “But Finrod walks with Finarfin his father beneath the trees in Eldamar.” Christopher Tolkien, Requiescat in pace

02-18-2007, 01:44 PM	#25
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	1 if there is beer as well If there is no beer available, there isn't any point in making the barbecue for Dwarves How many barrels of pipeweed does it take to satisfy Merry? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown

02-20-2007, 11:58 AM	#29
The Squatter of Amon Rûdh Spectre of Decay Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Bar-en-Danwedh Posts: 2,178	148,297. We arrive at this answer by the application of Thû's Axiom, which in its simplest form works like this: 1. Pick a number, any number 2. Multiply by the square root of the top speed (in microns per hour) of your favourite Scalextric car. 3. Add the number of hairs on the most famous yak 4. Divide by the number of times your bank manager blinked in the last five minutes 5. Write the result on a piece of paper and pass it to the nearest person with an 'x' in their name. They should repeat steps 1-4 above. 6. Ask The Squatter of Amon Rûdh how many Balrogs it takes to illuminate a lightbulb. 7. Get a better evil henchperson name. You can tell that I'm right because never in Tolkien's fiction do we see a Balrog in a situation where a lightbulb would be useful and a lightbulb has, in fact, been installed. This is clearly because in no version of the legends would there ever have been enough Balrogs, balrogs or balRogs (not to mention bAlrOgs) to power the number of bulbs required to make it a viable technology. How many eagles does it take to install a doorbell? __________________ Man kenuva métim' andúne?

02-20-2007, 02:40 PM	#30
Volo Silver in My Silent Heart Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: the great beauty Posts: 1,611	Zero. For a strange reason doorbells get installed without eagles. Saruman has a theory that the doorbells install themselves at just the thought of eagles doing it. This theory might be total rubbish. A famous orc scientist Stchû has worked on the matter for a long long time. She preaches that the doorbells are actually installed by Saruman and that he wants to frame the eagles for an unknown reason. How many times did Tolkien rewrite The Lord of the Rings before it was published for the first time? __________________ Fenris Wolf The EVEN NEWER Barrow-Downs Photo Page

02-20-2007, 05:54 PM	#31
Morai Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: May 2002 Location: Where young people go to retire Posts: 709	How many times did Tolkien rewrite The Lord of the Rings before it was published for the first time? None. He found it on the internet, printed it out, and sent it to the publishing company. Luckily for Tolkien, no one ever bothered to look into it. How many times will a BDer incorrectly guess another BDer's gender before he/she gets it right? ((Hopefully this is okay. I'll change it if it isn't)) __________________ "So why the safe distance, this curious look? Why tear out single pages when you can throw away the book? Why pluck one string when you can strum the guitar? MeWithoutYou http://fortyfifthparadox.com Last edited by Morai; 02-20-2007 at 05:59 PM.

03-03-2007, 09:58 AM	#33
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	If you smoke enough you'll see smoke silmarils, even though you're not really doing them How many Druedain does it take to defeat Beorn? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown

03-17-2007, 01:13 PM	#35
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	Enough mumaks to create a continous line between Anduin and the Ephel Duath That way by moving north at the same time, the mumaks would squish all the rangers...ingenious isn't it? How many Nazgul does it take to get the One Ring? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown

03-17-2007, 01:44 PM	#36
Legate of Amon Lanc A Voice That Gainsayeth Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In that far land beyond the Sea Posts: 7,431	Ten. So as you can see, the defeat of Sauron was ultimately caused by the fact that he run out of Rings. How many Gondorians does it take to eat the White Mountains?* *they do - cf. LotR V; Chapter 5 __________________ "Should the story say 'he ate bread,' the dramatic producer can only show 'a piece of bread' according to his taste or fancy, but the hearer of the story will think of bread in general and picture it in some form of his own." -On Fairy-Stories

03-19-2007, 01:21 PM	#37
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	1 (Forlong the Fat, who else?) How many crazy mumak actions from Legolas did it take to save the day at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown

03-20-2007, 10:00 AM	#39
Legate of Amon Lanc A Voice That Gainsayeth Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: In that far land beyond the Sea Posts: 7,431	One great tree, which you cut down and paint its wood green. How many winged Nazgul does it take to safely transport the Mordor-orcs to the other side of Anduin? __________________ "Should the story say 'he ate bread,' the dramatic producer can only show 'a piece of bread' according to his taste or fancy, but the hearer of the story will think of bread in general and picture it in some form of his own." -On Fairy-Stories

03-20-2007, 10:25 AM	#40
The Might Guard of the Citadel Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Oxon Posts: 2,205	Just the WK on his fell beast to scare off the Gondorians and capture the bridge How many wargs does it take to defeat a "movie warg"? __________________ “The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.” Delos B. McKown