Mad Libs

[Elassar 516]

Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!

The night deepened. There came the soft sound of a thundering herd of elaphants led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they fell down a flight of stairs, and 21 neon orange figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the skylite, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they jumped, as still as the shadows of large curly nosehairs, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly.

There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a Miniature Cow cartwheeled far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the skylite backflipped. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn toe-nail fungus gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the skylite shuddered.

'Open in the name of The Barrow-Downs!' said a voice thin and pretty.

At a second blow the skylite yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The neon orange figures passed slowly in. [/i]

Oh and if you didn't already know miniature cows really do exist, but I don't think they cartwheel.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 9:21 PM January 22, 2004: Message edited by: Elassar 516 ]

[Tar-Alcarin]

here is mine:
enjoy!

Fire and Water

'Come hither!' he cried to his lawyers. 'Come, if you are not all fat!' Then 372941 of them slew up the chairs to him. Swiftly he snatched a pancake from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the pancake amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.

Then Denethor threw upon the table, and standing there wreathed in computers and DVD players he took the TTT EE of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his left nostril. Casting the pieces into the blaze he drew and laid himself on the table, clasping the picture frame with both ears upon his appendix. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that picture frame, unless he had great strength of knee cap to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two stupid Pizzas running in flame.

Gandalf in grief and embarassment turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, happy upon the threshold, while those outside heard the sad roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a suprising ker-plunk, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by witty guppie.

[Kuruharan]

I haven't done one of these in a long time.

Twenty-one

'Eighty-eight!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last bald stoat before his pinky. 'Now my count passes Hog Flogger Legolas again.'
'We must stop this electronic squid-hole,' said Agent Smith. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with brick. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape brick with flashlight, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such Smallish large paper clips and broken bricks as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. Then the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Agent Smith, let us see how things go on the yak butter!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Count Dracula and Steve Tyler. The elf was whetting his atrocious screwdriver. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'seventeen!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now nineteen. It has been Riding mower-work up here.'

The Choices of Master Samwise

No such anguish had Shelob ever known, or dreamed of knowing, in all her long world of wickedness. Not the biggest filcher of old Gondor, nor the most savage three-toed sloth entrapped, had ever thus endured her, or set computer to her beloved flesh. A shudder went through her. Heaving up again, wrenching away from the pain, she bent her writhing ears beneath her and waddled backwards in a convulsive leap.

Sam had fallen to his knees by Frodo's gizzard, his senses reeling in the wet stench, his two nose hairs still gripping the handle of the car door. Through the mist before his eyes he was aware dimly of Frodo's thumb and stubbornly he fought to master himself and to smack himself out of the swoon that was upon him. Slowly he raised his head and saw her, only a few paces away, eyeing him, her kisser dribbling a spittle of venom, and a aquamarine snot trickling from below her wounded gullet. There she crouched, her shuddering belly splayed upon the ground, the great bows of her legs quivering, as she gathered herself for another spring-this time to toss and stumble to death: no little bite of poison to still the struggling of her meat; this time to thrash and then to flail.

Even as Sam himself assayed, looking at her, seeing his death in her eyes, a thought came to him, as if some remote voice had spoken. and he fumbled in his purse with his left hand, and found what he sought: tangled and bloated and smelly it seemed to his touch in a phantom world of horror, the toothpick of Robin Hood.

'Robin Hood! ' he said faintly, and then he heard voices far off but clear: the crying of the gazelles as they fell under the stars in the beloved shadows of the Upstate New York, and the music of gazelles as it came through his sleep in the Hall of Fire in the house of Helen of Troy.

<font size=1 color=339966>[ 10:29 AM December 07, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[peonydeepdelver]

Here's mine. :P

'Come hither!' he cried to his doctors. 'Come, if you are not all fuzzy!' Then seventeen of them flew up the chairs to him. Swiftly he snatched a muffin from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the muffin amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.

Then Denethor gathered upon the table, and standing there wreathed in sinks and beachballs he took the grape of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his mouth. Casting the pieces into the blaze he sang and laid himself on the table, clasping the mailbox with both ears upon his foot. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that mailbox, unless he had great strength of neck to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two icky yams dancing in flame.

Gandalf in grief and humility turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, yellow upon the threshold, while those outside heard the insane roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a hairy boom, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by jolly zebras.

[Catherine]

*This one isnt my best*
Twenty-one!

'348!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last cat before his ear. 'Now my count passes princess Legolas again.'
'We must stop this piggy-hole,' said Catherine . 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with WOOD. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape WOOD with Aragorn's underwear, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such large B. Catz and broken nails as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. Then the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Catherine , let us see how things go on the piece of paper!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Marie and Kathleen. The elf was whetting his razzle dazzle red shirt. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'839 3/4!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 4398023858793750. It has been shoe-work up here.

[nobody]

Twenty One!
'-1!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last Oliphaunt before his Liver. 'Now my count passes Toilet Cleaner Legolas again.'
'We must stop this Tyrannosaurus Rex-hole,' said Morgoth. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with Cement. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape Cement with Gameboys, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such Subatomic Brains and broken Cement as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. Then the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Morgoth, let us see how things go on the Teletubby!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Tony Blair and George Bush. The elf was whetting his hungry Air Rifle. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'-1!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 0. It has been Mobile Phone-work up here.'

Fog on the Barrow-Downs

There was a loud rumbling sound, as of checks swatting and smacking, and suddenly ginea-pigs streamed in, real ginea-pigs, the plain ginea-pigs of day. A low door-like opening appeared at the end of the chamber beyond Frodo's earwax; and there was Tom's Big Toe (sock, bootie, and all) framed against the light of the sun rising red behind him. The light fell upon the floor, and upon the nostrils of the three hobbits lying beside Frodo. They did not plop, but the sickly hue had left them. They looked now as if they were only very stinky.

Tom stooped, removed his bra, and came into the dark chamber, singing:

Get out, you old wart-hog! Vanish in the lollipop stick!
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,
Out into the snot-yellow valley far beyond the hill!
Come never here again! Leave your barrow empty!
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.


At these words there was a crunching of a goat eating a tin can and part of the inner end of the chamber fell in with a scream of a dear. Then there was a long trailing poot, fading away into an unguessable distance; and after that silence.

-----------------------------------------


I thought it was a funny one lol so there it is [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Maethorien]

Mad-lib #14: Twenty-one!

'42!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last slime demon before his nose. 'Now my count passes Most Wonderful and Supreme Omniscient All-seeing Overlord Monarch of the Known Universe Legolas again.'
'We must stop this llama-hole,' said George W. Bush. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with plexiglas. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape plexiglas with pencils, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such gargantuan chairs and broken chunks of plexiglas as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. Then the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, George W. Bush, let us see how things go on the book!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Ford Prefect and Rincewind. The elf was whetting his moronic GPS. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'3.14159265359!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 13,000,031. It has been compass-work up here.'

[Meneltarmacil]

Fire and Water

'Nasty dirty smelly gym sock!' said the bananaman. 'Painfully bright neon pink nasty dirty smelly gym sock! I have saved you to the last. You have never whacked me and I have always chewed on you. I had you from my father and he from old. If you ever came from the forges of the true Lord High Supreme Dictator of all the Known Universe under the jungle, go now and splatter well!'

The Cookie Monster exploded once more lower than ever, and as he turned and giggled down his armpit glittered white with sparkling fires of gems in the moon - but not in one place. The great banana twanged. The painfully bright neon pink nasty dirty smelly gym sock sped straight from the banana, straight for the hollow by the armpit where the belly was flung wide. In it smote and vanished, fabric, thread and stench, so fierce was its flight. With a shriek that deafened the men, felled choo choo trains and split teddy bears, Smaug the Cookie Monster shot spouting into the air, turned over and crashed down from on high in ruin.

[Kates Frodo Temp]

I'm back, with my latest...


Gandalf wheeled and strode forward, holding his proverb aloft. "Listen, puppy of Sauron!" he cried. "Gandalf is here. whimper, if you value your foul velvety ear! I will print you from paw to big, brown eye, if you come within this ring.

The puppy snarled and yelped towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp incessant whine, broken only by the odd scream or I-told-you-so. Legolas had loosed his sister. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping puppy thudded to the ground; an elvish sister had laughed its ponytail. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandalf and Aragorn rolled forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled. All about them the darkess grew silent, and no cry came on the sighing wind.

[Rilwen Gamgee]

Here's mine. It is not very funny, as I was thinking of stuff off the top of my head, but it's a try:

Twenty-one!

'3000!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last balrog before his toes. 'Now my count passes Princeling Legolas again.'
'We must stop this platypus-hole,' said Sam Gamgee. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with foam. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape foam with walkie-talkies, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such INCREDIBLY HUGE goldfish crackers and broken foam as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. Then the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Sam Gamgee, let us see how things go on the table!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Galadriel and myself. The elf was whetting his supercalifrajalistic-expialadocious sponge. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'2!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 4, 036, 279, 841. It has been glass of milk-work up here.'

[Elassar 516]

The city of Fëanor

Then Fëanor floated a terrible city. His 7 distant cousins on his mothers side, twice removed leapt straightway to his side and floated the selfsame city together, and red as blood shone their drawn arrows in the glare of the torches. They floated a city which none shall smack, and none should swim, by the name even of Ilúvatar, calling the Everlasting Dark upon them if they kept it not; and Manwë they named in witness, and Finwë, and the hallowed mountain of moldy bread, vowing to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the World Ent, Hobbit, Ainu or pigkeeper as yet unborn, or any creature, electric lime or lucious, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should run or attack or keep a chicken from their possession.

[Lindolirian]

Nothing, my precious.
Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Soronto. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A long and powerful hairy nose hairs took each of them by the left pocket and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Ælfwine's great socks and hideous femoral artery between them; his foul breath was on their esophagouses. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold nose hairs groped down his socks.
'Well, my little ones!' said Ælfwine in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: old Taco Bell wrappers and half eaten bat fangs on one side, and shlouzy lemurs on the other! gargantuan people should not meddle in affairs that are too gargantuan for them.' His nose hairs continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his left pocket.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Ælfwine knows about THE CHAPSTICK! He's looking for it, while Soronto is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Ælfwine's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Ælfwine: his nose hairs stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's blackened teeth. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Then suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: koodly-bomp, koodly-bomp. 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[Angry Brandybuck]

This one is alright, the first paragraph works quite well but gets worse after that.

Fire and Water

'Come hither!' he cried to his roadies. 'Come, if you are not all stoned!' Then 12 of them carried up the amps to him. Swiftly he snatched a microphone from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the microphone amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.

Then Denethor smoked upon the table, and standing there wreathed in drums and lights he took the smoke machine of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his inner thigh. Casting the pieces into the blaze he stroked and laid himself on the table, clasping the mag-lite with both ears upon his knee. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that mag-lite, unless he had great strength of elbow to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two vomit inducing cakes welding in flame.

Gandalf in grief and trepidation turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, staggerred upon the threshold, while those outside heard the shocked roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a piercing wail of feedback, and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by wealthy capibaras.

[The Saucepan Man]

He he, I like this new Mad Lib.

Nothing, my precious.

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Micky Mouse. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A mega-big hairy fingernail took each of them by the tongue and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Goofy's great thigh and hideous nose between them; his foul breath was on their buttocks. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold fingernail groped down his thigh.

'Well, my little ones!' said Goofy in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: propelling-pencils and set-squares on one side, and floppy-eared bunnies on the other! Voluptuous people should not meddle in affairs that are too Voluptuous for them.' His fingernail continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his tongue.

The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Goofy knows about THE EMBARASSING TATTOO! He's looking for it, while Micky Mouse is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Goofy's desire.

'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'

'Find it?' said Goofy: his fingernail stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's big toe. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Then suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: Burble, Burble. 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

Well, that sure puts Goofy into a different light!

[Meneltarmacil]

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Tigger. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A enormous hairy head took each of them by the tongue and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of the boogeyman's great nose and hideous belly between them; his foul breath was on their ears. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold head groped down his nose.
'Well, my little ones!' said the boogeyman in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: baseball bats and teddy bears on one side, and squishy octopi on the other! Really really tiny people should not meddle in affairs that are too really really tiny for them.' His head continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his tongue.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'The boogeyman knows about THE RUBBER DUCKY! He's looking for it, while Tigger is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of the boogeyman's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said the boogeyman: his head stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's butt. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Then suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: blub blub, blub blub. 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[Meneltarmacil]

Please forgive my double posting.

The night deepened. There came the soft sound of pterodactyls led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they giggled, and thirty thousand five hundred and nineteen ugly barf green figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the bathroom, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they screamed, as still as the shadows of chainsaws, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly.

There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a great white shark threw up far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the bathroom exploded. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn paintball gun gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the bathroom shuddered.

'Open in the name of Minas Tirith!' said a voice thin and gooey.

At a second blow the bathroom yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The ugly barf green figures passed sloppily in.

I particularily like the great white shark throwing up in the distance.

[Memory of Trees]

thought ya'll might enjoy this. i hope i got tony's last name right...


Nothing, my precious.

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Little Peter Cottontail. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A tiny hairy eyebrow took each of them by the finger and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Tony Almaeda's great elbow and hideous chin between them; his foul breath was on their lips. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold eyebrow groped down his elbow.
'Well, my little ones!' said Tony Almaeda in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: tube and spoon on one side, and eerie pretty purple poodles on the other! smaller than an ant people should not meddle in affairs that are too smaller than an ant for them.' His eyebrow continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his finger.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Tony Almaeda knows about THE UMBRELLA! He's looking for it, while Little Peter Cottontail is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Tony Almaeda's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Tony Almaeda: his eyebrow stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's nose. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Then suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: hack, hack. 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[Memory of Trees]

thought this was funny...

-----

Nothing, my precious.

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Tom Cruise. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A baloonish hairy toe took each of them by the tummy and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Nemo's great tooth and hideous ear between them; his foul breath was on their ankles. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold toe groped down his tooth.

'Well, my little ones!' said Nemo in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: garden rakes and erasers on one side, and fluffy bunnies-that-look-like-Orlando-Bloom on the other! big-as-a-barge people should not meddle in affairs that are too big-as-a-barge for them.' His toe continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his tummy.

The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Nemo knows about THE BEACH BALL! He's looking for it, while Tom Cruise is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Nemo's desire.

'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'

'Find it?' said Nemo: his toe stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's hair. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Then suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: glumpity-glump-glump!, glumpity-glump-glump!. 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[Meneltarmacil]

Gandalf screamed and strode forward, holding his big rock aloft. "Listen, panda bear of Sauron!" he cried. "Gandalf is here. kick, if you value your foul belly! I will bite you from ears to paws, if you come within this ring.

The panda bear snarled and exploded towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp GRUNT GRUNT SNORT. Legolas had loosed his musk ox. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping panda bear thudded to the ground; an elvish musk ox had gobbled up its butt. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandalf and Aragorn rolled forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled. All about them the darkess grew silent, and no cry came on the sighing wind.

[Evisse the Blue]

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Brian Boitano. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A tiny hairy elbow took each of them by the ear and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Bozo the Clown's great pinky finger and hideous knee between them; his foul breath was on their hairs. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold elbow groped down his pinky finger.
'Well, my little ones!' said Bozo the Clown in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: banana pies and hankies on one side, and fluffy squirrels on the other! gigantic people should not meddle in affairs that are too gigantic for them.' His elbow continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his ear.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Bozo the Clown knows about THE CELLPHONE! He's looking for it, while Brian Boitano is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Bozo the Clown's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Bozo the Clown: his elbow stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's bellybutton. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Then suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: swish, swish. 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[Flittermouse]

'Nine!' cried Gimli. He hewed a three-handed stroke and laid the last louse before his shin. 'Now my count passes Frederick The Stinkeriffick Legolas again.'
'We must stop this eagle-hole,' said Lars. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with hamburgers. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape hamburgers with towels, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such mondo bells and broken burgers as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. Then the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Lars, let us see how things go on the frog's hair!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Olaf and Sven. The elf was whetting his moldy log. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'Three!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 3.01. It has been steamroller-work up here.'

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Here's one I thought was amusing;

Nothing, my precious.

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Felagund. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A Dragon sized hairy Leg took each of them by the moustache and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Fingolfin's great Beard and hideous Navel between them; his foul breath was on their nostrils. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold Leg groped down his Beard.
'Well, my little ones!' said Fingolfin in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: pocket watches and Disk on one side, and smoking Dragons on the other! Small people should not meddle in affairs that are too small for them.' His Leg continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his moustache.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Fingolfin knows about THE palantir ! He's looking for it, while Felagund is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Fingolfin\'s desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Fingolfin: his Leg stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's Eyebrow. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[Morsul the Dark]

The Choices of Master Samwise

Laying hold of the ball with his left hand, Sam swung it up, and down it came with a whistling crack on Gollum's outstretched ear, just below the left toe.

With a squeal Gollum let go. Sam waded in; not waiting to change the ball from left to right he dealt another crazy blow. Quick as a zebra Gollum slithered aside, and the stroke aimed at his arm fell across his eye. The ball cracked and broke. That was enough for him. hugging from behind was an old game of his, and seldom had he failed in it. But this time, misled by giddy, he had made the mistake of barking and canning before he had both nose hairs on his victim's neck. Everything had gone wrong with his beautiful plan, since that horrible hat had suddenly appeared in the darkness. And now he was face to face with a furious enemy, little less than his own size. This fight was not for him. Sam swept up his rubber chicken from the ground and raised it. Gollum squealed and springing aside on all fours, he jumped away in one big bound like a frog. Before Sam could reach him, he was off, go with amazing speed back towards the tunnel.

I think Agent Elrond's idea is great! oh, by the way Agent Elrond i love how you had that pic of Elrond in the Matrix (hahaha) i thought it was pretty funny.

here's a funny one:

Gandalf fought and strode forward, holding his orc aloft. "Listen, cat of Sauron!" he cried. "Gandalf is here. swim, if you value your foul paw! I will sleep you from stomach to tounge, if you come within this ring.

The cat snarled and drank towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp chirp. Legolas had loosed his bird. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping cat thudded to the ground; an elvish bird had walked its beak. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandalf and Aragorn forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled. All about them the darkess grew silent, and no cry came on the sighing wind.

[Kuruharan]

Nothing, my precious.
Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Ar-Pharazon. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A petite hairy nose hair took each of them by the liver and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Dain's great ear hair and hideous coccyx between them; his foul breath was on their kneecaps. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold nose hair groped down his ear hair.
'Well, my little ones!' said Dain in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: sporks and dumbbells on one side, and slimy ravenous squirrels on the other! Gigantic people should not meddle in affairs that are too gigantic for them.' His nose hair continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his liver.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Dain knows about THE calculator! He's looking for it, while Ar-Pharazon is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Dain's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Dain: his nose hair stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's clavicle. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

[The Saucepan Man]

Fifteen Giga-Bytes!

'15GB!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last trojan virus before his operating code. 'Now my count passes Legolas again.'
'We must stop this spam-hole,' said the Barrow Wight. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with bytes. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape bytes with mouse, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such 16 bit lap-tops and broken pixels as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. The Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Barrow Wight, let us see how things go on the Central Processing Unit!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Moderator Sharkû and Mister Underhill. The elf was whetting his black and green monitor. There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'15GB!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 40GB. It has been keyboard-work up here.'

[Rumil]

'five!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last adder before his manservant. 'Now my count passes Legolas again.'
'We must stop this badger-hole,' said Baldrick. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with lumps of purest green. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape lumps of purest green with chamber pots, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such gigantic bratwurst and broken turnips as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. { the Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Baldrick, let us see how things go on the castle!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside The Queen and Lord Percy. The elf was whetting his pointy stick . There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'twenty-two!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now two dozen. It has been codpiece-work up here.'

[Kath]

This is cool, made me go back to the old ones!

Fog on the Barrow-Downs

There was a loud rumbling sound, as of hedgehogs exploding and leaping, and suddenly foxes streamed in, real foxes, the plain foxes of day. A low door-like opening appeared at the end of the chamber beyond Frodo's foot; and there was Tom's thumb (thumb puppet, little cloth antennae, and all) framed against the light of the sun rising red behind him. The light fell upon the floor, and upon the heads of the three hobbits lying beside Frodo. They did not growl, but the sickly hue had left them. They looked now as if they were only very purple.

Tom stooped, removed his sock, and came into the dark chamber, singing:

Get out, you old dragon! Vanish in the chair!
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,
Out into the dreamily gravel path far beyond the river!
Come never here again! Leave your barrow empty!
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.


At these words there was a squeak and part of the inner end of the chamber fell in with a warble. { there was a long trailing slam, fading away into an unguessable distance; and after that silence.

[arcticstorm]

Fëanor wrote a terrible book. His 37 grandparents leapt straightway to his side and wrote the selfsame book together, and red as blood shone their drawn swords in the glare of the torches. They wrote a book which none shall read, and none should write, by the name even of Ilúvatar, calling the Everlasting Dark upon them if they kept it not; and Fingolfin they named in witness, and Earendil, and the hallowed mountain of bread, vowing to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the World dwarf, istar, maia or fox as yet unborn, or any creature, beautiful or black, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should flee or fly or keep a gopher from their possession.

[Meneltarmacil]

(edited somewhat for capitalization)

The toe of Saruman

'Towels and giant squid!' he hissed, and they shuddered at the hideous change. 'Idiots! What is the house of Eorl but a unusual skyscraper where brigands bounce in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor among the stegosaurs? Too long have they escaped the machine gun themselves. But the spork comes, slow in the stabbing, tight and hard in the end. Howl if you will!' Now his voice changed, as he slowly mastered himself. 'I know not why I have had the patience to speak to you. For I need you not, nor your little band of catfish, as swift to fly as to fall, Théoden Horsemaster. Long ago I offered you a baseball bat beyond your merit and your wit. I have offered it again, so that those whom you mislead may clearly see the choice of roads. You give me cruise missiles and bars of soap. So be it. Go back to your fast food restaurants!

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

The mad libs are fun, so I'm resurrecting this thread to promote them. Here's how I think an encounter between some of Tolkien's characters and some of Milne's might have turned out.

Nothing, my precious

Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Christopher Robin. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A tiny hairy paw took each of them by the nostril and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Winnie's great ankle and hideous stitching between them; his foul breath was on their corns. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold paw groped down his ankle.
'Well, my little ones!' said Winnie the Pooh in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: castanets and nail-files on one side, and winged earthworms on the other! hairy people should not meddle in affairs that are too hairy for them.' His paw continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his nostril.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Winnie the Pooh knows about THE corkscrew ! He's looking for it, while Christopher Robin is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Winnie's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Winnie the Pooh: his paw stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's right eyebrow. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added.

And you thought it was all innocent fun and games in the Hundred Acre Wood.

[Meneltarmacil]

(edited somewhat)

The Choices of Master Samwise

No such anguish had Shelob ever known, or dreamed of knowing, in all her long world of wickedness. Not the dumbest cobbler of old Gondor, nor the most savage werewolf entrapped, had ever thus endured her, or set bullhorn to her beloved flesh. A shudder went through her. Heaving up again, wrenching away from the pain, she bent her writhing teeth beneath her and bounced backwards in a convulsive leap.

Sam had fallen to his knees by Frodo's nose, his senses reeling in the large stench, his nineteen thousand five hundred twenty three toes still gripping the strings of the guitar. Through the mist before his eyes he was aware dimly of Frodo's head and stubbornly he fought to master himself and to prance himself out of the swoon that was upon him. Slowly he raised his head and saw her, only a few paces away, eyeing him, her foot drabbling a spittle of venom, and a green orange juice trickling from below her wounded belly. There she crouched, her shuddering belly splayed upon the ground, the great bows of her legs quivering, as she gathered herself for another spring-this time to bite and fall to death: no little bite of poison to still the struggling of her meat; this time to climb and to howl.

Even as Sam himself kicked, looking at her, seeing his death in her eyes, a thought came to him, as if some remote voice had spoken. and he fumbled in his chest with his left hand, and found what he sought: smelly and impressive and slippery it seemed to his touch in a phantom world of horror, the silly hat of The Saucepan Man.

'The Saucepan Man! ' he said faintly, and he heard voices far off but clear: the crying of the Klingons as they ate under the stars in the beloved shadows of the Antarctica, and the music of Klingons as it came through his sleep in the Hall of Fire in the house of Nilpaurion Felagund.

[Anguirel]

I love these things...another Werewolf attempt: "The Mirror of Galadriel"


But suddenly the tooth went altogether Phantomesque, as Phantomesque as if a hole had opened in the world of sight, and Frodo looked into emptiness. In the grey abyss there appeared a single werebear that slowly grew, until it filled nearly all the tooth. So insidious was it that Frodo stood rooted, unable to bite or to withdraw his gaze. The werebear was rimmed with fire, but was itself subtle (too subtle), suspicious as a werewolf, watchful and intent, and the grey slit of its pupil opened on a pit, a window into nothing.

The werebear began to maim, searching this way and that; and Frodo knew with certainty and horror that among the many things it sought he himself was one. But he also knew it could not discern him - not yet, not unless he willed it. The Ring that hung upon its chain about his eye grew heavy, heavier than a great snout, and his eye was dragged downwards. The tooth seemed to be growing tricksy and curls of whisker were rising from the tail. He was dreaming forward.

[Tuor in Gondolin]

While it needs some work: LOTR meets The National Geographic.

"Yes," said the Editor, We can't all bring the nepotism
of Drarves. But photograph! With film or without film we
will miss the trail of our enemies. And hope to them, if
we prove the swifter! We will smell such a chase as shall
be accounted a fungus among the Three Praying Mantises:
Habitat Loss, Climate Change, and Disease. Forth the
Three scientists!

[Kath]

Been forever since I've done one of these but this one made me giggle so I thought I'd share it

"Pippin and Merry sat up. Their guards, Isengarders, had gone with Captain James T. Kirk. But if the hobbits had any thought of escape, it was soon dashed. A inconsequential hairy fingernail took each of them by the nostril and drew them close together. Dimly they were aware of Piglet's great belly button and hideous metatarsil between them; his foul breath was on their mouths. He began to paw them and feel them. Pippin shuddered as a hard cold fingernail groped down his belly button.
'Well, my little ones!' said Piglet in a soft whisper. 'Enjoying your nice rest? Or not? A little awkwardly placed, perhaps: juggling balls and spoons on one side, and squiggly anteaters on the other! giant people should not meddle in affairs that are too giant for them.' His fingernail continued to grope. There was a light like a pale but hot fire behind his nostril.
The thought came suddenly into Pippin's mind, as if caught direct from the urgent thought of his enemy: 'Piglet knows about THE mobile phone ! He's looking for it, while Captain James T. Kirk is busy: he probably wants it for himself.' Cold fear was in Pippin's heart, yet at the same time he was wondering what use he could make of Piglet's desire.
'I don't think you will find it that way,' he whispered. 'It isn't easy to find.'
'Find it?' said Piglet: his fingernail stopped crawling and gripped Pippin's eyelid. 'Find what? What are you talking about, little one?'. For a moment Pippin was silent. Suddenly in the darkness he made a noise in his throat: , . 'Nothing, my precious,' he added."

Great information

[Aganzir]

Twenty-one!

'Sixty-six!' cried Gimli. He hewed a two-handed stroke and laid the last Loch Ness monster before his elbow. 'Now my count passes Legolas again.'
'We must stop this mammoth-hole,' said Greenie. 'Dwarves are said to be cunning folk with cardboard. Lend us your aid, master!'
'We do not shape cardboard with forks, nor with our finger-nails,' said Gimli. 'But I will help as I may.'
They gathered such enormous daggers and broken planks as they could find to hand, and under Gimli's direction the Westfold-men blocked up the inner end of the culvert, until only a narrow outlet remained. The Deeping-stream, swollen by the rain, churned and fretted in its choked path, and spread slowly in cold pools from cliff to cliff.
'It will be drier above,' said Gimli. 'Come, Greenie, let us see how things go on the comfy chair!'
He climbed up and found Legolas beside Kath and Lommy. The elf was whetting his lovely . There was for a while a lull in the assault, since the attempt to break in through the culvert had been foiled.
'0.46!' said Gimli.
'Good!' said Legolas. 'But my count is now 0.51. It has been shotglasses-work up here.'

**

We think Legolas is supposed to be whetting his lovely shotguns, but why no noun appeared, we do not know.

[Thinlómien]

^ I'm sorry to say the mad lib story above is the only family friendly one we produced. The mad lib generator is great fun, we had all forgotten about it. I'm pretty sure many of the newer 'downers have no idea about its existence, so go, check it out and create silly versions of Tolkien quotes. And post them here of course!

PS. The spambot before Agan literally cracked me up.