Worst Middle Earth Occupations - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Tar-Elara · 02-29-2008, 01:46 PM

While doing rather meaningless tasks at my job, I began to wonder what the worst occupations in Middle Earth would look like. Here is what I have come up with so far:

1. Dentist to the Mouth of Sauron.
2. Shire Nutritionist.
3. Harbinger of bad news to Morgoth.
4. Feanor’s anger management coach.
5. Orkin man in the realm of Mordor.
6. Polisher of Grond.

Please add on if you wish....

Mithalwen · 02-29-2008, 01:53 PM

Well if we can stretch Middle Earth to include Numenor then I should think that being Aldarion and Erendis' marriage guidance counsellor would have been a bit of a challenge...

Eomer of the Rohirrim · 03-04-2008, 04:04 AM

Nice thread.

Balrog dance-instructor.
Go-between for Ent negotiations.
Orc lawyer.

Tar-Elara · 03-04-2008, 12:18 PM

hehe. Absolutely hilarious, yet slightly disturbing, image of a Balrog in a pink tutu!

Hookbill the Goomba · 03-10-2008, 04:21 PM

- Hobbit dietician

- Oliphant cage cleaner

- Elven funeral director (not much business, really... They are actually behind a lot of the wars the Elves get into)

- Sauron's optician.

MaultheStoor · 03-11-2008, 07:10 AM

I feel sorry for whoever had to clean Sauron's contact lenses.

I also feel sorry for Gollum's therapist.

Elmo · 03-17-2008, 01:20 PM

Captain of the last ship into Numenor.

Gothmog troll bodyguard.

Fangorn forester.

Valesse · 03-19-2008, 07:58 AM

-Mordorian census-taker.
-Barad-dur marketing representive.
-Highway patrol. Anywhere.

Morgoth's Apprentice · 05-14-2008, 10:30 PM

- moving target practice for Elven archers
- the messenger that told Morgoth the Valar were coming
- a defender of Osgiliath
-an Elf set to guard Gollum

Morgoth's Apprentice · 05-14-2008, 10:53 PM

- moving target practice for Elven archers
- the messenger that told Morgoth the Valar were coming
- a defender of Osgiliath
-an Elf set to guard Gollum

Morthoron · 05-15-2008, 01:13 AM

Hmmmm....worst professions?

1) Hobbit podiatrist ('Well, I wouldn't be very proud of those feet, Mr. Proudfoot.')
2) Dwarvish matchmaker ('Oh, you'll love her beard, Mr. Stonehelm, it's...ummm...just like yours!')
3) Arborist in Fangorn ('I was just trying to prune some dead branches. How did I know he was an Ent?')
4) Hospitality Director at Mordor's Center for Tourism
5) Gollum's psychoanalyst

mormegil · 05-15-2008, 09:28 PM

The poor wretch that puts on armor, loin cloth, whatever on the the troll

kementari · 05-22-2008, 05:54 AM

having to take the inner leg measurements from under his cloak...eww

Hakon · 06-08-2009, 04:33 PM

Sauron's Interior Designer

Dwarf Barber

Orc Chef

Feanor's Lawyer

Boromir's Private Doctor

Tuor in Gondolin · 06-08-2009, 05:28 PM

- Turin's anger management councillor

- vegan shopowner in the Shire

- Gollum's dentist (and that's without even getting
into making Smeagol a set of dentures)

Lindale · 06-10-2009, 03:44 AM

- shoemakers in the Shire
- Denethor's therapist
- Smeagol's grandmother... having to tell the kids to not fight over rings.

I fancy Denethor's cook to have not a very bad time though, and so do Thranduil's wine tasters.

Hakon · 06-10-2009, 01:46 PM

Balrog Hunter

Staff Polisher for Gandalf

mormegil · 06-10-2009, 01:54 PM

Lead Janitor of Mordor, orcs can be such nasty foul creatures.

Erendis · 06-12-2009, 01:01 PM

Plastic surgeon in Rivendel

Hakon · 06-12-2009, 01:50 PM

Fashion Designer for Orcs and Trolls.

Erendis · 06-12-2009, 02:23 PM

Inn's owner in the Wild

Hakon · 06-12-2009, 02:45 PM

Okay this is just a bit stereotypical but I couldn't resist.

Aragorn's mother in law. I mean like if he were not with Arwen. I could picture her nagging him.

Erendis · 06-12-2009, 02:51 PM

Just imagine her:
''Were the Mordor(hell)have you been?Alas my daughter that didn't listen to my advice and got married to you!She does this all alone to give you spare time and YOU ARE NOT KING YET!''

Hakon · 06-12-2009, 02:54 PM

"Look at that throne there. It has dirt on it. If you are going to be a King you need a clean throne. Why does your sword have blood on it? Are you abusing my daughter?"

If Sauron had a mother in law that would just be really funny.

Erendis · 06-12-2009, 02:57 PM

"Why do you wear maskarah,Cursed(dear)?Shouldn't you fire these wights and hire at last a proper buttler?And that jerk to stay away my grandchildren until he washes his teeth!''

Galadriel55 · 12-27-2010, 05:59 PM

Ugluk's housekeeper certainly has a tough job!
Master Ugluk, would you please start taking off your boots when you come home?

Blind Guardian · 12-28-2010, 04:27 PM

Barad-Dûr painters! ("We're all out of black!")

Hookbill the Goomba · 12-28-2010, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blind Guardian

Barad-Dûr painters! ("We're all out of black!")

Most of the upper rooms are bright pink and furnished with fluffy sofas.

Galadriel55 · 01-09-2011, 07:53 PM

Saruman's orc-scout in Fangorn Forest.
Orc dressmaker.
Treebeard's time management guide.
Anyone holding a birthday party for an Elf - Happy nine hundred seventy six thousand eight hundred and thirty fifth birthday, sir! What hall will you spare for the storage of the candles?
A tourist in the Barrow Downs. That is, the real Barrow Downs.

Gollum's cook.
Glaurung's optician.
Legolas' secretary - Legolas, sir, 30 appointments per day is not enough. You'll have to change the schedule to 50 appointments a day - there already is a line of about two thousand fangirls requesting a meeting...
Smaug's bank accountant (that's what it's called, isn't it?)
The person who does Gandalf's laundry - you naughty wizard, you've stained your beautiful white robes again!!!

Blind Guardian · 01-13-2011, 08:11 PM

Barad-Dûr sword sharpener
Butcher in Izenguard

Nessa Telrunya · 01-14-2011, 01:15 PM

1.Gollum's voice coach
2.Saruman's laundry person(because of his socks!)

Galadriel55 · 01-14-2011, 02:10 PM

A herb-master in Isengard.
Aragorn's boot polisher.

Nessa Telrunya · 01-16-2011, 03:12 PM

Warg groomer

Blind Guardian · 01-21-2011, 09:19 PM

Sauron's dentist
Maedhros's hand (yeah, that's really getting annoying)

Galadriel55 · 01-22-2011, 09:31 AM

Sauron's optitian.

02-29-2008, 01:46 PM	#1
Tar-Elara Newly Deceased Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Barad-Dur, hurling something at those blasted, noisy orcs.... Posts: 5	Worst Middle Earth Occupations While doing rather meaningless tasks at my job, I began to wonder what the worst occupations in Middle Earth would look like. Here is what I have come up with so far: 1. Dentist to the Mouth of Sauron. 2. Shire Nutritionist. 3. Harbinger of bad news to Morgoth. 4. Feanor’s anger management coach. 5. Orkin man in the realm of Mordor. 6. Polisher of Grond. Please add on if you wish....

02-29-2008, 01:53 PM	#2
Mithalwen Pilgrim Soul Join Date: May 2004 Location: watching the wonga-wonga birds circle... Posts: 9,458	Well if we can stretch Middle Earth to include Numenor then I should think that being Aldarion and Erendis' marriage guidance counsellor would have been a bit of a challenge... __________________ “But Finrod walks with Finarfin his father beneath the trees in Eldamar.” Christopher Tolkien, Requiescat in pace

03-04-2008, 04:04 AM	#3
Eomer of the Rohirrim Auspicious Wraith Join Date: May 2002 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 4,859	Nice thread. Balrog dance-instructor. Go-between for Ent negotiations. Orc lawyer. __________________ Los Ingobernables de Harlond

03-10-2008, 04:21 PM	#5
Hookbill the Goomba Alive without breath Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: On A Cold Wind To Valhalla Posts: 5,912	- Hobbit dietician - Oliphant cage cleaner - Elven funeral director (not much business, really... They are actually behind a lot of the wars the Elves get into) - Sauron's optician. __________________ I think that if you want facts, then The Downer Newspaper is probably the place to go. I know! I read it once. THE PHANTOM AND ALIEN: The Legend of the Golden Bus Ticket...

03-11-2008, 07:10 AM	#6
MaultheStoor Animated Skeleton Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: The cave under the Misty Mountains. Just take a wrong turn in the goblin's tunnels. Posts: 34	I feel sorry for whoever had to clean Sauron's contact lenses. I also feel sorry for Gollum's therapist. __________________ Leave now, and never come back! Gollum, Gollum! See? You made him mad.

03-04-2008, 12:18 PM	#4
Tar-Elara Newly Deceased Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Barad-Dur, hurling something at those blasted, noisy orcs.... Posts: 5	hehe. Absolutely hilarious, yet slightly disturbing, image of a Balrog in a pink tutu!

03-17-2008, 01:20 PM	#7
Elmo Pittodrie Poltergeist Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: trying to find that warm and winding lane again Posts: 633	Captain of the last ship into Numenor. Gothmog troll bodyguard. Fangorn forester. __________________ As Beren looked into her eyes within the shadows of her hair, The trembling starlight of the skies he saw there mirrored shimmering.

03-19-2008, 07:58 AM	#8
Valesse Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: \|Away Posts: 614	-Mordorian census-taker. -Barad-dur marketing representive. -Highway patrol. Anywhere. __________________ "Loo, what sholde a man in thyse dayes now wryte, 'egges' or 'eyren'?" - Caxton, Eneydos

05-14-2008, 10:30 PM	#9
Morgoth's Apprentice Animated Skeleton Join Date: May 2008 Location: In Angband, chillin with Morgoth and learning how to take over the world Posts: 38	- moving target practice for Elven archers - the messenger that told Morgoth the Valar were coming - a defender of Osgiliath -an Elf set to guard Gollum

05-14-2008, 10:53 PM	#10
Morgoth's Apprentice Animated Skeleton Join Date: May 2008 Location: In Angband, chillin with Morgoth and learning how to take over the world Posts: 38	- moving target practice for Elven archers - the messenger that told Morgoth the Valar were coming - a defender of Osgiliath -an Elf set to guard Gollum

05-15-2008, 01:13 AM	#11
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,509	Hmmmm....worst professions? 1) Hobbit podiatrist ('Well, I wouldn't be very proud of those feet, Mr. Proudfoot.') 2) Dwarvish matchmaker ('Oh, you'll love her beard, Mr. Stonehelm, it's...ummm...just like yours!') 3) Arborist in Fangorn ('I was just trying to prune some dead branches. How did I know he was an Ent?') 4) Hospitality Director at Mordor's Center for Tourism 5) Gollum's psychoanalyst __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision.

05-15-2008, 09:28 PM	#12
mormegil Maundering Mage Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 4,648	The poor wretch that puts on armor, loin cloth, whatever on the the troll __________________ “I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

05-22-2008, 05:54 AM	#13
kementari Haunting Spirit Join Date: May 2003 Location: Amongst the Ferns: New Zealand Posts: 56	Sauron's Tailor having to take the inner leg measurements from under his cloak...eww __________________ ~ Kementari ~ Elen síla lúmenn' omentielvo.

06-08-2009, 04:33 PM	#14
Hakon Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: May 2009 Location: The Twilight Zone Posts: 736	Sauron's Interior Designer Dwarf Barber Orc Chef Feanor's Lawyer Boromir's Private Doctor __________________ Medicine for the soul. ~Inscription over the door of the Library at Thebes

06-08-2009, 05:28 PM	#15
Tuor in Gondolin Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Southeast Pennsylvania Posts: 3,651	- Turin's anger management councillor - vegan shopowner in the Shire - Gollum's dentist (and that's without even getting into making Smeagol a set of dentures) __________________ The poster formerly known as Tuor of Gondolin. Walking To Rivendell and beyond 12,555 miles passed Nt./Day 5: Pass the beacon on Nardol, the 'Fire Hill.'

06-10-2009, 03:44 AM	#16
Lindale Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: midway upon... in a forest dark Posts: 975	- shoemakers in the Shire - Denethor's therapist - Smeagol's grandmother... having to tell the kids to not fight over rings. I fancy Denethor's cook to have not a very bad time though, and so do Thranduil's wine tasters. __________________ The heart does things for reasons Reason itself cannot comprehend. - Blaise Pascal Legal Madness.

06-10-2009, 01:46 PM	#17
Hakon Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: May 2009 Location: The Twilight Zone Posts: 736	Balrog Hunter Staff Polisher for Gandalf __________________ Medicine for the soul. ~Inscription over the door of the Library at Thebes Last edited by Hakon; 06-12-2009 at 01:49 PM.

06-10-2009, 01:54 PM	#18
mormegil Maundering Mage Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 4,648	Lead Janitor of Mordor, orcs can be such nasty foul creatures. __________________ “I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

06-12-2009, 01:01 PM	#19
Erendis Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Imloth Melui,with Yoreth's sister...Just finished the Panadol stock. Posts: 398	Plastic surgeon in Rivendel __________________ Ah,it's good to be home again!

06-12-2009, 01:50 PM	#20
Hakon Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: May 2009 Location: The Twilight Zone Posts: 736	Fashion Designer for Orcs and Trolls. __________________ Medicine for the soul. ~Inscription over the door of the Library at Thebes

06-12-2009, 02:23 PM	#21
Erendis Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Imloth Melui,with Yoreth's sister...Just finished the Panadol stock. Posts: 398	Inn's owner in the Wild __________________ Ah,it's good to be home again!

06-12-2009, 02:45 PM	#22
Hakon Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: May 2009 Location: The Twilight Zone Posts: 736	Okay this is just a bit stereotypical but I couldn't resist. Aragorn's mother in law. I mean like if he were not with Arwen. I could picture her nagging him. __________________ Medicine for the soul. ~Inscription over the door of the Library at Thebes

06-12-2009, 02:51 PM	#23
Erendis Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Imloth Melui,with Yoreth's sister...Just finished the Panadol stock. Posts: 398	Just imagine her: ''Were the Mordor(hell)have you been?Alas my daughter that didn't listen to my advice and got married to you!She does this all alone to give you spare time and YOU ARE NOT KING YET!'' __________________ Ah,it's good to be home again!

06-12-2009, 02:54 PM	#24
Hakon Ghost Prince of Cardolan Join Date: May 2009 Location: The Twilight Zone Posts: 736	"Look at that throne there. It has dirt on it. If you are going to be a King you need a clean throne. Why does your sword have blood on it? Are you abusing my daughter?" If Sauron had a mother in law that would just be really funny. __________________ Medicine for the soul. ~Inscription over the door of the Library at Thebes

06-12-2009, 02:57 PM	#25
Erendis Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Imloth Melui,with Yoreth's sister...Just finished the Panadol stock. Posts: 398	"Why do you wear maskarah,Cursed(dear)?Shouldn't you fire these wights and hire at last a proper buttler?And that jerk to stay away my grandchildren until he washes his teeth!'' __________________ Ah,it's good to be home again!

12-27-2010, 05:59 PM	#26
Galadriel55 Blossom of Dwimordene Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: The realm of forgotten words Posts: 10,401	Ugluk's housekeeper certainly has a tough job! Master Ugluk, would you please start taking off your boots when you come home? __________________ You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

01-09-2011, 07:53 PM	#29
Galadriel55 Blossom of Dwimordene Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: The realm of forgotten words Posts: 10,401	Saruman's orc-scout in Fangorn Forest. Orc dressmaker. Treebeard's time management guide. Anyone holding a birthday party for an Elf - Happy nine hundred seventy six thousand eight hundred and thirty fifth birthday, sir! What hall will you spare for the storage of the candles? A tourist in the Barrow Downs. That is, the real Barrow Downs. Gollum's cook. Glaurung's optician. Legolas' secretary - Legolas, sir, 30 appointments per day is not enough. You'll have to change the schedule to 50 appointments a day - there already is a line of about two thousand fangirls requesting a meeting... Smaug's bank accountant (that's what it's called, isn't it?) The person who does Gandalf's laundry - you naughty wizard, you've stained your beautiful white robes again!!! __________________ You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera Last edited by Galadriel55; 01-09-2011 at 08:26 PM.

01-14-2011, 01:15 PM	#31
Nessa Telrunya Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: In a paper bag Posts: 396	1.Gollum's voice coach 2.Saruman's laundry person(because of his socks!) __________________ Joined together wrote our names upon the page Seven times alliance our loyalties we gave

01-14-2011, 02:10 PM	#32
Galadriel55 Blossom of Dwimordene Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: The realm of forgotten words Posts: 10,401	A herb-master in Isengard. Aragorn's boot polisher. __________________ You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera

01-16-2011, 03:12 PM	#33
Nessa Telrunya Shade of Carn Dûm Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: In a paper bag Posts: 396	Warg groomer __________________ Joined together wrote our names upon the page Seven times alliance our loyalties we gave

01-22-2011, 09:31 AM	#35
Galadriel55 Blossom of Dwimordene Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: The realm of forgotten words Posts: 10,401	Sauron's optitian. __________________ You passed from under darkened dome, you enter now the secret land. - Take me to Finrod's fabled home!... ~ Finrod: The Rock Opera