Hitchhiker's Guide to Middlearth

[the guy who be short]

Eru Iluvatar - Killjoy. Best avoided at all costs.

[THE Ka]

Legolas' Little Pink Book: Unbeknowenced to most, Legolas wouldn't be caught with a olive/ granny apple green with black combo dress and acessories, so was the invention of the LPB. Though the book itself is rather lacking and alphabetically repeats in different formal announcing letterage due to the small precentage of worthy second dates, it is infact said to be possessed by a more sinister power - due to the presistent bloches of burn marks and curiously written orc organizations... Understand this - Pink is EVIL!


~ Providing a service Ka

[malkatoj]

Aragorn : Still Not King

(edited later on)

Finally King!

Legolas : According to Elrond , 'The gayest gay elf to ever nance down the pike'.

To Blow the Horn of Gondor : Well, we always thought it summoned the Fellowship at Amon Hen...but really, guys. We're not that naive anymore.


(For the unenlightened of you, these ideas are taken from the Very Secret Diaries. If you haven't read them, go now, I have a habit of stabbing people whom I do not like.)

(Note: Just to clarify, these are the entries in the Hitchhiker's Guide about said topics. Not just weird definitions I threw out there for no reason.)

[arcticstorm]

Numenor: an almost isolated land in the stagnant backwaters of Middle Earth. It is said that the Valar destroyed it in a fit of rage for invading their almost perfect little home away west somewhere. However the truth, which is only known to the editorship and a few other selected individuals, is that Numenor lied in the midst of prime shipping lanes, so the Valar demolished it for a trade bypass between the undieing lands and middle earth, however in a strange coincidence, this same catostrophic event somehow removed the undying lands from the sphere of the earth, making the entire event a moot point anyway. there is a theory that the island was never redally destroyed and that the seas in that area have amazingly shifted their currents to make it impossible to leave or approach the island, but it is beleived only by those who have smoked to much longbottom leaf, and therefore it is discounted by most historians.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Shire:
Please wait; this entry is being updated over the sub-eather net.

…


The Shire, Mostly Harmless, but with some uniquely interesting places to visit!

Advice for visiting elves,
Get a job as a cart driver. It doesn’t matter if you don't know how the contraption works or if you have large pointy ears sticking out of the side of you're head. Indeed, this is the best way to stay inconspicuous.

How to have a Good time in Hobbiton,
Forget it.

[THE Ka]

Legolas whilst Abroad: Formally known as The Last of The International Playboys. It is not recommended that you bring up where the rest have gone to, unless you prefer strawberry-scented special edition mirkwood arrows in your bottom...

Denethor: Much noted in past enteries as an aspiring pyrotechnic, but alas! Turns out he is last of the ruling stewards. It is predicted by some brown-nosing sources that he will have a firey end to go out in, but this should be better read with a good reasoning and a pipe full of southfarthing...

The Prancing Pony: The name decieves all. No pony. No prancing. That is of course, except for excited hobbits dancing on tables while singing stupid songs to gain popularity...

~ How now? Ka

[the guy who be short]

Celeborn: Popularly known as Cele-bored. The only interesting things about him are his marriage to a semi-crazed Noldo and his dual-monarchy of Lothlorien.

Lothlorien: Lots of trees. Nice for philosophical holidays. Not good for beer.

[Glirdan]

The Lonely Mountain- Found by Thorin Oakenshields great great great and so and so forth ancestor. Originally ruled by Dwarves. Than the big,bad, red worm had to come along and eat almost everybody in vicinity. Thorin Oakenshield later came back to take his home and treasure back. Of course this is after his grandfather, Thror, went of to Moria and his father went all crazy in the dungeons of the Necromencer where Gandalf (on secret buissness at the tiem) found him. Unfourtuanetly, Thorin did not take it back because he had to go and get all angry at the Goblins and get himself killed aloing with his nephews Fili and Kili. So Dain took over and now everything is fine, until the ring resurfaces that is. But that's a long story that I don't feel like getting into.

[Anguirel]

Lindon, Realm of: Largest retirement facility for Elven Pensioners east of the Onerously Overwhelming Ocean. Has housed exiled royalty, dwarves with gambling problems, hyperactive Magic Rings and, as one Istar source reported: "a grey ship full of ghosts." Research has established that the said spectres do not include Mary, Queen of Scots, Anne Boleyn, Banquo, or indeed anyone of any interest whatsoever.

Lindon is administrated by a Worker's Commune after the death of the last High, Illustrious and Mighty Elvenking in suspicious circumstances involving a big fiery mace. The current General Secretary of the People's Republic of Lindon is Cirdan. He maintains a fanatical cult of personality around his lovingly cultivated beard, lives in an enormous palace, and holds the Presidency of the Shipbuilding Union.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Numenor:
See 'Water'.

Mount Doom:
An interesting places to visit if you have time when in Mordor. If being tortured by Orcs and trampled by Oliphants isn't enough, why not visit this unique sight. Warning, this Volcano may have wheels and try to escape.

[Elu Ancalime]

Ungoliant
Infamous for aiding Melkor in the destruction of the Two Trees, and later tried to eat him. Urban rumors stated she eventually came to the deserts of Harad, and ate herself. This was belived by the general public, but HHGTME reveals the truth. Ungoliant has gone soft. Using *Flappo* as her stagename, she and other repentent creatures started a travelling circus. She makes webs that children play on as trampolines. If you are fortunate enough to encounter the Circus Ungolus, relax and have fun with Flappy, Bobbles the Balrog, and Wiggles the wight, and the Alatar and Pallando the Blues Brothers acrobats. The Circus Torech is currently on tour coming to Umbar, Khand, Rhun, Dale, Angrenost, and finally the Party Field at Hobbiton. {With special guest magician Gandalf}
Rivendell:
A scenic valley of elves. We recomend you to stop by for at least a night, but remember to come bearing friendliness. A large library chronicling all events of Middle-Earth awaits you, and there also are the Shards of Narsil. You will find Imladris on the Great East Road, just west of the Trollshaws. For those of you travellling from the east, it is due south of where the High Pass leads into Eriador. For our Snow Men visiting from the north, follow the edge of the Ettenmoors and down the Misty Mountains. From the south follow the outline of the Hitheglir from Eregoin.

*coupon in Guide*

For you wanderers out there, here's some deals you won't want to miss! We know it's hard to find an Inn or a meal while on the road, so use this coupon to save on room and board across Middle-Earth!
Admit One Traveller to the Prancing Pony
This allows the bearer three nights at the Prancing Pony Inn at Bree. Also includes ten free pints of beer, and a slab of beef. (Hobbits may substitue for Mushrooms)
Admit One Traveller to Anor Suites
This allows the bearer a fortnight at Anor Suites located on the fifth tier and north side. Also includes a full meal every night, one pass to enter/exit the Rammas Echor and Great Gate at any time, and a Free Tour of the Courtyard outside of the Tower of Ecthelion. Plese remember Gondor is not responsible for the bearer being assaulted by the Fountain Guard, as the bearer should have been warned sufficeintly about not touching the White Tree.
________
Medical Marijuana News

[Farael]

Hobbits, dissapearence of:
Previously thought they had just became so good at hiding they had vanished into the background, it has now been shown that the decay of their civilization was due to reasons previously unsuspected.

It seems their cheerfulness and constant hunger was not a hobbit quality per-se, it was caused by the ingestion of "pipe-weed" and "mushrooms" which now are known under the name of "marihuana" and... right, mushrooms as well.

As modern science came to show that drugs are unhealthy for human- (and hobbit-) beings, the High King banned them. Poor hobbits, they had the second worst withdrawal syndrome ever. (After Aragorn, later known as King Eleassar was forced to abandon his life long companion. No, not Queen Arwen, but filth.)

[Glirdan]

Valinor: Home of the Valar and Ainu. Can be quite a nice place if your're not visiting when Melkor and Ungoliant decide to rampage through and destroy the trees of light. Beware of Mandos and his Doom and Halls. His Doom is quite evil and his Halls are dark and full of Dead Elves. Everywhere else is fine to visit as well so coem and enjoy yourself.

[Firefoot]

Isildur's Heir: see Strider.

Strider: see Longshanks.

Longshanks: see Aragorn II

Aragorn II: see Elessar Telcontar.

Elessar Telcontar: see Envinyatar.

Envinyatar: see Dunadan.

Dunadan: see Thorongil.

Thorongil: see Estel.

Estel: see Wingfoot.

Wingfoot: see Isildur's Heir.

Gollum, last words of: So long, and thanks for all the... nasty thieves, never gave us any fissh, did they, precious?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

See Ëladnilunia.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Balrogs fly by throwing themselves to the ground and missing.

Rather, they tried to fly and use their vestigial wings by throwing themselves from a high mountain to the ground and trying to miss it.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to work. (See Echoriath, Zirakzigil.)

[Legolas in spandex]

Thranduil: Argued to be one of the baddest characters in the book, his short mentioning means nothing. He looks like Legolas, is even more skilled with a bow, has slight astigmatism, and listens to swing music and Def Leopard in his spare time. He is rumored to wear lucky underwear in battle, and is said to have streaked all of Mirkwood with his son Legolas after drinking a few too many pints. Residents say he has the elven script for "sexy beast" tatooed on his rear.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Many stories are told of Frodo Baggins' journey to Mount Doom.
10% of them are 95% true,
14% of them are 65% true,
35% of them are only 5% true
And all the rest are... told by Frodo Baggins.

Only one wholly accurate account exists, but it is locked in a box in the attic of Frodo's uncle Bilbo's house in Valinor. Though countless people have tried bribery, cajolery or even threats to get it, he has carefully guarded it, waiting for what he calls, "The right price."

[Telperaca]

Beanamir of Gondor- You rock! This is an excellent idea, one which I've not seen at any other LotR forums!

It's been a laugh reading some of these enteries.
So long, and thanks for all the laughs.

[Lhunardawen]

Elf-ears: Mostly pointless.



EDIT: But that could go for a lot of other things, too. Balrog-wings, Canonicity, and whatever-happened-to-Gollum-on-Mount-Doom debates, to name a few...

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Elf-ears: Mostly pointy

or

Elf-ears: Most pointy