Balrog found guarding the entrance to Moria on Google Earth!

[Glincalen]

I submitted the following article to Yahoo as a contributor. They elected not to post it because the headline did not go with the article, or so they said. The trilogy to which I refer, which I very carefully abstained from using the article to promote, can be read in its entirety at www.fanfiction.net/~sonicsculpture if you're inclined to investigate the story itself.

Please accept my profound apologies for directing you to so disturbing an image. Here is the article:

Balrog found guarding the entrance to Moria under K2 on Google Earth!

Has another Shadow arisen to confound the councils of the world yet again?

Has Google Earth accidentally captured the image of a Balrog of Morgoth guarding the entrance to Moria under K2? What is causing the peculiar photographic imperfection centered over its left hand and obfuscating its facial features? Is this the new Lord of the Rings?

It is apparently very perilous to take one’s fan fiction too seriously while probing the expanses of Google Earth. I read "The Hobbit" while I was in junior high. While in high school I read "The Lord of the Rings" all the way through three times and even read "The Silmarillion" afterward. I was one of those who believed that Tolkien’s trilogy could never be rendered on the silver screen, except perhaps as cartoons. As a consequence, I did not see "The Fellowship of the Ring" while it was in theaters. Of course I own copies of the extended versions of all three movies now, but I digress.

From 2004 to 2006, after seeing "The Return of the King" in theaters for the 4th time, and despite being predisposed against derivative works, I wrote a trilogy that was intended as both a sequel and a conclusion to Tolkien’s collected writings. I’d already cast King Narmer, the oldest named person in human history, as a character in volume three, although he is still a prince in the story, prior to accidentally discovering that Map 4 at the back of "The Lord of the Rings", if turned to the right, becomes the southeastern end of the Mediterranean. Narmer apparently became the first pharaoh. I’d cast him as the Prince of Umbar before even realizing that Umbar really was Egypt.

It was several years before I found that the literal translation of the word Mediterranean actually is (you guessed it) Middle-earth. But at that time, I was not even aware of the application called Google Earth. Whereas many people apparently believe that Middle-earth was supposed to be Western Europe or the British Isles or some combination of the aforementioned, it is in actuality the entire Eurasian continent. And it’s ridiculously simple to apprehend.

All one has to do is open Google Earth and turn the Nile so it becomes the Harnen; running east to west, instead of south to north. Backing out in this new configuration, the Himalayas become the Misty Mountains. Far to the west, you will see the Grey Havens. From there, as you journey eastwards, you will pass between the north and south spurs of the Blue Mountains, traverse the Tower Hills, cut across Westmarch and be disappointed to find that all four farthings of the Shire are now submerged. After all, they were so fertile because of being bottomlands. Eastward from there you will find only a wild expanse where the Old Forest used to be. The imposing hilltops of the Barrow Downs are however still situated just beyond.

But the most troublesome discovery was the one I made under Caradhras, which is K2. After all, it’s situated in the Karakoram Range. To the northeast in this new configuration you can see the Dimrill Dale. Just to the south and positioned between the mountain’s roots is the Mirrormere. And between them, just above and to the right of the Mirrormere and precisely where it is supposed to be, you’ll find the entrance to Moria. But be prepared. The entrance is not unoccupied. It is guarded by an ancient evil.

The first thing of which you might take note is the strangely flesh-toned figure on the left. Its form almost appears human. But at an elevation of eighteen and half thousand feet, I guarantee you that it’s not some mountain climber standing there in his birthday suit. And if you will activate the measuring tool, you can quickly confirm that, if it is in fact some sort of life form, it’s too tall to be human. But without understanding its identity, the most terrifying feature is directly to its right.

Because of the way the middle finger of the huge hand is bending, as it reaches over the mouth of the cave, it is partially hiding the index finger. But you can still see the tip of that digit sticking out from underneath. There are in fact four fingers and a perfectly formed thumb. And the width of the hand is nearly eight feet, very close to the same dimensions of the Balrog in the aforesaid films. The wrist is easily discernible, as is the arm extending from out of the darkness. This is no imperfection in the snowfall. This is something reaching up over the enclosure’s entrance. But it is a right hand and it is facing us, which means that anything else associated with the image will be further to the right in the photograph. In spite of the strange obfuscation that seems to spread from the place where the left hand should be and partially obscure its facial features, there’s still the strong suggestion of eyes, a nose, and a mouth.

Like Sauron, the Balrogs were evil Maiar. Let’s hope this demon hasn’t followed in the footsteps of his predecessor by fashioning a master ring for himself and sending other rings to the leaders of humankind. I would argue that the two nuclear superpowers with which the United States has the weakest relationships are Pakistan and China. This Enemy is situated right where those two countries connect. And although I’m certain this is also completely coincidental, he is actually in Pakistan-controlled Kashmir. Without even excluding Israel, Kashmir might actually be the most highly-contested piece of property on the planet. If Pakistan and India ever engage in a thermo-nuclear exchange, it will almost certainly be because of Kashmir.

One might understandably ask if there is any hope for humankind given the grave nature of this discovery. I would contend that there’s always hope, even if it’s only a fool’s hope. Did I mention that I also know the contemporary location of Rivendell?