What do you assign to Mordor?

[littlemanpoet]

I just noticed in the Letters (#219) that Tolkien assigned Siamese cats to Mordor! ... maybe because of their disposition? I know that he assigned faceless bureaucracies to Mordor too.

I personally assign to Mordor people on the road who race 15 or more over the speed limit only to end up at the red light, waiting, because they haven't enough sense or patience or both to go the speed limit and catch the lights green, which are all timed to work out right. Oh, and tailgaters too.

What do you assign to Mordor? And why?

[mormegil]

I would like to assign the law school application process. It is the most evil and wicked system in the world. I have just finished hearing back from all the schools and it has been the worst process to go through.

[Elentari_Elbereth]

I would assign Communists and really bad Lawers. Also people who are snotty and think they're more important that everyone.

[Anguirel]

Most Alsatians. Horrible, wolfy things...

All Jack Russells, without exception.

Vodka. That really is orc-liquor...

Dill. Foul, vile, evil, insidious herb...

[Lindolirian]

Teachers who don't care. [rant]If you don't want to help kids learn, get a different job and stop wasting my time with busy work.[/rant] And impatient people who screw things up because they can't get instant gratification in everything.

Also old ice cream, over-salted popcorn, Nazis, blankets that are too short, and most vegetables.

[wilwarin538]

All those crazy people who think Tolkien's work is.........boring.

[Gil-Galad]

I'll assign all the people that were mean to me in junior high...next week high school!

[Lalwendë]

What do you assign to Mordor? And why?

Work. Because it's inhumane.
Cat litter. If Tolkien was going to put Siamese cats in there (and I hope he only meant Siamese cats and not all cats), then the litter can go with them. It can't smell any worse than orcs.
Celery. What's the point of it? As someone said to me today, it's just a means of conveying dip to your mouth.

Faceless bureaucracies belong in Valinor though.

[littlemanpoet]

Originally Posted by Lalwendë

I hope he only meant Siamese cats and not all cats

Only Siamese (if you please)


Sorry, couldn't resist.

[Celebuial]

Teachers who loose your course work so you have to rush to re-do it at the last min.

The security guards at my college. They don't do anything and just annoy everyone.

People who dismiss the works of Tolkien without having given them a chance by reading them.

The person/people who decided A-Levels were a good idea.

My dance teacher. She stood on my toe whilst I was attempting to Tango.

People who designed stilletos....They look so pretty but hurt like hell.

The people who decided to cancell the masters in Astrophysics at Keele university.... I now don't have an insurance choice.

People who think that because they like classical music and go fox hunting(I'm totally against this) and have a lot of inherited money, they're better than everyone else.

Hmmmmmm.... Lots more...... The person who buys the last tub of Ben and Jerry's before I do........ The tall people who stand/sit infront of us short Hobbits at concerts and cinemas.......Basically any annoying people.

[Elianna]

CALCULUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most abhorrid of subjects! It's more letters than numbers. And the only numbers involved are 0, 1, and 2, and on rare occusasions 3. That's the worst of it; you work for 10 mintues on a single problem, retrace your steps every other step because you forgot the chain rule or some other little oddment, and finally arrive at the answer: 1. (the loneliness number...)

I took the AP test for it yesterday, so my torment is finally over. Well, I guess it's a little like I've destroyed the Ring, but I still have Saruman waiting for me at home. I have finished the test for credit, however I still need to make up a pratice test. After I take that, I'm burning the innards of my Calculus notebook.

I shall burn them, I say! BURN!

[littlemanpoet]

Originally Posted by Celebuial

The person/people who decided A-Levels were a good idea.

Sorry, what are A-Levels? Never heard of 'em, but then maybe that's because I'm over here in the U.S. .... or just plain ignorant.

[mormegil]

Originally Posted by littlemanpoet

Sorry, what are A-Levels? Never heard of 'em, but then maybe that's because I'm over here in the U.S. .... or just plain ignorant.

It's a level in a building below 1. I work on B level

[Lalwendë]

Originally Posted by lmp

Sorry, what are A-Levels? Never heard of 'em, but then maybe that's because I'm over here in the U.S. .... or just plain ignorant.

A Levels are Advanced Level qualifications. You take 'em at 18, two years after your GCSEs (which used to be called O Levels or Ordinary levels but then a civil servant tinkered with 'em and they are called GCSEs), and you choose the subjects you're best at or which you enjoy the most, or if you want to do medicine you just have to do lots of science ones. A`Levels are hard, especially History. And you need some good ones to get into University. Most folk do 3 or 4 A levels, and you need something like 3 Grade A ones to get into a top university or onto a popular course.

I have to hasten to add, I also like Siamese cats, as all cats are lovely creatures. Just so long as Tolkien had nothing against furry round tabbies...

Another thing that's going to Mordor. Snails. Because my garden is infested with them.

[Eruanna]

I second the proposal to put snails into Mordor. They play havoc in my garden, despite my best efforts.

I would also like to send the people who make so called 'reality television' programmes. They are truly deserving of a place in Mordor!

[the phantom]

People who "don't get" Strong Bad.

People who "don't get" fantasy or sci-fi.

People who drive really slow and stop at corners that don't have stop signs and generally act lost.

People who stop their cars in the middle of the street, roll down their window, and talk with someone while there's a car waiting behind them.

Pedestrians who walk in the street when there is a perfectly good sidewalk ten feet away. I always hug the curb and pretend to be looking at something else when I see one of those despicable orcs. I love to make them jump scared off the road.

All cats, except ones with no claws that can play without biting and come when you call them. But if that's what you want, you might as well just get a dog.

People who think popularity equals quality.

People who think everyone should get out and vote, even the people (about 40% of voters) who couldn't tell you who's running for what office, who the current vice president is, or what the capital of their state is.

[mormegil]

Is that A-level a UK thing?

I say let the snails have their cauliflower...the vegtable of Mordor

[drigel]

The official vegetable of Mordor should be asparagus - ugh

The official pollen: ragweed

The official parasite: ticks

official cat: siamese

official bird: pigeon

official currency: susan b anthony silver dollars and $2 bills

official mascot: beaurocrats

[Formendacil]

Rabid fans of the LotR who only got into it because of Legolas and the whole "it's in now" things. And only stayed fans as long as there was a new movie waiting to come out.

[Elianna]

Originally Posted by Formendacil

Rabid fans of the LotR who only got into it because of Legolas and the whole "it's in now" things. And only stayed fans as long as there was a new movie waiting to come out.

AMEN!

[littlemanpoet]

Suburbia.

Square acres of parking lots surrounding malls.

The new Walgreen's under construction in place of one of the last standing groves of trees (two acres!) on a busy street corner; I will never shop there.

Forests and hills leveled for a golf course.

Anything having to do with Paris Hilton (including this sentence) .... and her ilk.

Business accounting such that "labor" is a "liability" (nimrods); in the Shire, labor is done by hobbits (and humans) for the good of the community.

Now to turn all this into doggerel..... hmm.......

[Esgallhugwen]

Hm, what to send to Mordor, this will actually be easy.

Firstly my brother, who thinks the world revolves around him. The only thing that'll be revolving around him in Mordor are Orcs trying to decide which of his limbs to devour first. Seriously we don't get along well and he's rather mean to my mother.

Centipedes and milipedes, mosquitos, horseflies, ticks, and anything that burrows itself under the skin.

Tiny fluffly poodles, or any small dogs for that matter, that won't keep their yaps shut. Or any people that won't keep their yaps shut.

People who glare or look at you as though you're the lowest thing on earth. What did I ever do to you?

My brother's bird who wakes me up with her eardrum shattering screeching. It gets very bad sometimes to the point of bringing me to insanity.

That's all I'll say for now, I'd like to give other people a chance.

[The Only Real Estel]

People who run their stop/yield sign and then glare at you like you should've stopped for them.

People who think they are the bomb because they have a Honda Civic...a 1990 Honda Civic.

My parents reluctance to get me my long overdue driver's license.

[The Saucepan Man]

Well thanks folks. I have been assigned to Mordor no less than five times on this thread (three times by the phantom alone)! Oh, and the place where I live has been too (although the comparison with Mordor is probably fair).

[Mithalwen]

What I assign to Mordor:

Bullies (who made my life hell as a pupil and teacher).

"Baby on Board" car hangers. What are they for? Are they are to brag about the driver's fertility or are they merely intended to insult the humanity of every other driver on the road?....

People who don't indicate properly at roundabouts ( funny how some really expensive cars don't have indicators that work...)

People who talk very loudly into their cell phones particularly on trains - I don't mean the 5 second long " can you meet me at the station at X o'clock ?" type calls but the ones where you unavoidably find yourself knowing far too much about the intimate lives of complete strangers.

People who never do anything useful but delight in interfering - and in spreading bad news ( that disposes of my sibling, in case the lawyer thing misses out on a technicality....)

Salesmen who prey on vulnerable elderly people in their own homes.... grr

Beyond avaricious property developers - and those who never stop bleating about how much their house is worth.

Hypocrites

Baked beans

Milk

The only problem is that I will probably end up in Mordor myself (do poor pro-hunting (if you care about wildlife ban the car and the cat...), classical music lovers with low self esteem still have to go? )I did leave teaching so that should pacify a few... but there is not a lot I can do about my height. I am working for lawyers at the moment but only on a temporary contract and believe me I have never been so glad that I crashed my a-levels and couldn't do law.....

[the phantom]

I have been assigned to Mordor no less than five times on this thread (three times by the phantom alone)!

Multiple times, eh? Even better than I'd hoped. Only one of my Mordor assigments was actually written specifically with you in mind. Betcha can't guess which one.

And LMP, I will give you one day to edit out "Suburbia" and replace it something less dear to me, like "tofu", or "soccer".

Should this command be ignored, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur.

And yes, all you Brits, I just insinuated that soccer is the official sport of Mordor. Mwu ha ha!

[Feanor of the Peredhil]

But... I really like soccer. And Siamese cats. My cousin who's house I'm going to tonight has a Siamese named Norman. He's awesome... Declawed, mind you, but he's really cute and friendly.

However...

Lima beans need to go to Mordor. As well as Britney Spears, rumor-mongorers, deadlines, chapped lips, and puke.

[The Only Real Estel]

Britney Spears

I second that.

and puke

I thought you already said Britney Spears?

[Tinuviel of Denton]

Final exams. The hand cramps alone are evil.

Two and a half day road trips with ten-year-old boys with ADHD and five-year-old girls and nagging mothers.

Nagging mothers in general.

Stupid people.

My computer. Because Tybalt (Yes, I named my computer) is evil enough to rival Sauron himself. Probably Tybalt would take over Mordor, even.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Tinuviel of Denton

Two and a half day road trips with ten-year-old boys with ADHD and five-year-old girls and nagging mothers.

Hmm possibly some cause and effect here?

Cannot but suspect that any human who could be stuck in a car ( and presumably having to do the driving ) with that child combo and remain smiling and serene would have to be so zonked on valium that they would be unfit to be behind the wheel... or a walking monument to prozac....

[Tinuviel of Denton]

Not exactly...

The road trip's next week, when I go home from school. I'm going to be doing about half the driving.

And mother nags anyway. But, on topic...

Eight o clock classes.

The weekend schedule for my school's cafeteria. (The window of opportunity for absent-minded me to actually get up their and eat is pathetically small.)

People who don't give pedestrians the right of way, especially when the car has a stop sign.

People who find it amusing to honk at random girls who are walking down the street and proposition them.

Frat parties.

[Lalwendë]

Originally Posted by Esgallhugwen

My brother's bird who wakes me up with her eardrum shattering screeching. It gets very bad sometimes to the point of bringing me to insanity.

I had to look twice at this statement. I thought you were talking about your brother's girlfriend for a moment, and then I realised you are most likely not British!

Originally Posted by the phantom

People who think everyone should get out and vote, even the people (about 40% of voters) who couldn't tell you who's running for what office, who the current vice president is, or what the capital of their state is.

Oops, that's me! I always tell people to vote, even if only to spoil their paper; though alas I wish some in my constituency had not bothered as the BNP got a good showing. And that's something that I would say ought to go to Mordor too. Or is Mordor too good for it?

Chewing gum spat out. The pavements of Mordor would be covered in it.

Crazy frog ring tones. Only orcs have these.

[Encaitare]

I have been assigned to Mordor no less than five times on this thread (three times by the phantom alone)!

I have been once, because like Lalwende, I believe that everyone should get off the couch and vote -- even though I can't yet. If I could, I would.

I had to look twice at this statement. I thought you were talking about your brother's girlfriend for a moment, and then I realised you are most likely not British!

*dies of laughter* Ah, that is too funny.

Things I assign to Mordor:

- AP exams. They are not as hard as they're made out to be, but they're so long and stressful and exhausting.
- empty tubes of chapstick
- the chapstick company, which thinks it can sell a tube of solidified petrolum jelly for about $1.50
- door-to-door salespeople
- every author who wrote some allegory or other kind of fiction about the dangers of communism/fascism/socialism/totalitarianism/other bad isms. That is some of the most depressing literature I've ever read.
- people who spit on the ground for no apparent reason (does anyone else notice a lot of that, or is it just specific to my twisted town?)
- cigarettes because they equal slow suicide. And they smell bad.
- computers that randomly decide to rebel against you and break when they were working just fine a minute before.

Hope I didn't offend anyone too badly, especially if you work for one of those accursed chapstick companies.

(Yes, I named my computer)

Ooh, I should name my computer. Eddie would be a nice name, but my computer isn't painfully cheerful. In fact, I think I'll call it Marvin because the firewall I have is paranoid and goes berserk at the slightest thing. So Marvin it is.

[Oddwen]

Customers who come through the drive-thru with a loud truck, or a cellphone, or screaming kids, or not knowing what they want...or all four. People who pay with too much change.

Tomato hornworms. Rabbit bites. MY stupid loud birds who screech all the time. PT Cruisers. Flat tires.

Rising gas prices. The phrase "My Bad". Getting up early. Alarm clocks. Raccoons, possums, squrrels, and most other furri animals.

Oh man...Cherry Festival is coming. The resulting traffic could very well head to Orodruin and cast itself into the Sammath Naur like lemmings, which also would go because they're a small furri animal.

Disney, the image, and also the people responsible for the whole "lemming" myth.

People who pass me in their cars just before I make my turnoff. Fissssh. Dirty dishes. (Not the Saucepan Man, though )

[littlemanpoet]

People who threaten me with dire threats of unknowable doom.

[mormegil]

Patients who come to the Emergency Room for trivial things who don't have insurance or government funded patients who treat the ER as a Dr's clinic.

Probably doesn't happen on the island across the pond.

[Feanor of the Peredhil]

Nurses who know nothing about your medical history that, when you are in the ER having an asthma attack, first ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10, and then, after you've sat in an antiseptic smelling room for hours because not being able to breathe doesn't really *hurt*, finally admit you and then proceed to ask you to breathe deeply while they check all sorts of vital (but not really, given the circumstances) stats.

That entire scenario is welcome to inhabit every hospital in Mordor.

Also, guys who think that just because you are attractive means that you're a *****. They can burn in Mordor. I officially assign them.

[Bêthberry]

Well, I, for one, am extremely loathe to assign anything or anyone to Mordor. It's a nasssty place and how am I to know of someone's private disposition? And of their chances for repentance or something?

How about Dol Guldur though?

[tar-ancalime]

Well, for the most part I'm with Bethberry--for example, I have yet to see a vegetable on this thread that I don't like!

But there is one group of people whom I would banish: all the people who, on hearing about my new job (which will entail a major relocation), immediately ask me in an accusing voice what my husband is going to do. If the genders were reversed, wouldn't the first question likely be, Are you excited? Or perhaps, However did you hear about this position? Or the ever-popular, Congratulations! Not an immediate, insulting implication that a fantastic opportunity for me is not reason enough for both of us to move away.

[Mithalwen]

Oh I am off to Mordor on the vote thing - I do believe you should register your vote even if you do not cast it since not to do so is an insult to those who fought and died trying to obtain suffrage. Many women in the world still do not have the right to vote. And I had to wait till I was 26 to cast my vote in person in a general election ......

And since this brit regards "bird" as a totally unacceptable way of referring to a woman - I didn't make that mistake