Everything I need to know I learned from LOTR

[Maeggaladiel]

I was thinking (Which in itself is a miracle) about LOTR (SUPRISE!!) and I began to wonder. I have learned so much from the LOTR movies (Haven't we all?) that I do not know what I will do now that ROTK has come and gone! Where will I learn life's important lessons? From my social life? Pah! I don't think so!

So I have decided to compile a list of things that I have learned from LOTR. Please feel free to add your own!

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE I HAVE LEARNED FROM LOTR:
1) When in doubt, ask a moth.
2) When faced with a large, lumbering, uncontrolled beast, send in Legolas.
3) Having hairy feet isn't always a bad thing.
4) Remember, it is ALWAYS a conspiracy.
5) Funny as it may sound, yelling at a mountain will not stop an avalanche.
6) Just because you're dirty and slimey and greasy and you talk through your nose, it doesn't mean that you can't attract members of the opposite sex. Especially if you're going to be king someday.
7) Death isn't so bad. Chances are that you'll be back in the sequel.
8) Never worry about running out of arrows.
9) People never die in ordinary ways. It's always burning or being filled with arrows or falling off of cliffs. Or a pleasant combination of all three.
10) Just because you're in the book, it doesn't mean that you'll be in the film.
11) Any problem can be solved with some good old fashioned violence.
12) Contrary to popular belief, wargs are actually badgers, not wolves.
13) Sparse foliage is great for hiding from minions and spies. Their eyesight isn't that great.
14) NEVER let these words pass through your lips: "Is this all you can do, Sauron?"
15) Balrogs DO have wings... They just forget how to use them on a regular basis.
16) The large, mindless, lumbering beasts mentioned in #2 like to eat blue-eyed hobbits rather than fat dwarves or crunchy elves.
17) Who cares if Oliphaunts are supposed to have super-thick skin? Put a woman and a hobbit on a horse, and they can chop through their knees like a warm knife through butter!

I never would have gathered such pearls of wisdom without you, PJ!!!

MAEG!

[Amariden Ravenhill]

FOR ME, WHAT I LEARNED IS:

1) Never challenge the Eye of Sauron to a staring contest. You will not win. EVER.

2) Swords are good for you, especially if they glow or have runes.....

3) Pints are now your friend.

4) Do not attempt to 'borrow' Aragorn's sword, as it will bring down upon you the almighty and terrible Wrath of Aragorn.

5) When you've run out of men to use as soldiers, grab the kiddies.

6) Gollum impressions are not tolerated

Nemarie!

[Sirithheruwen]

Originally Posted by Maeggaladiel

6) Just because you're dirty and slimey and greasy and you talk through your nose, it doesn't mean that you can't attract members of the opposite sex. Especially if you're going to be king someday.

*snort* That's a good one! Or how about this... If you have blue eyes, blond hair, pointy ears, and perfect aim, you are pretty much set for life.

10) Just because you're in the book, it doesn't mean that you'll be in the film.

That's too sad...

[tar-ancalime]

1. Never go into battle without your jewelry!

2. Throwing stones into water? Generally a bad idea.

3. Officers and commanders needn't wear helmets.

4. When your small army is faced by a host ten times its size, they will surround you, keeping a safe distance, and wait for something to happen.

5. It's never too late for elevenses.

[Lhundulinwen]

1. FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT!! Take care of them, they'll take care of you. If they're jerks, give them one more chance. They might just save Merry and Pippin, or at least take a few arrows for them.
2.Don't judge a book by its size or movie.
3. Don't be afraid to use valuables in a pinch. They aren't worth anything if you don't use them.
4. Make nice with future Kings. Makes life much easier.
5. Food is important- take care of yourself, even in Mordor if possible.

[Miriel Undomiel]

1. Reading is FUN!
2. you have to be fast if you want to get your screen time. Arwen might take it.
3. If someone throws your ring into the lava pit in your 'garden', your 'house' will collapse.
4. When chopping wood, make sure the trees don't have any friends. They will attack you...

~*~Míriel~*~

[mark12_30]

-All you need is one climbing hobbit to mobilize two entire kingdoms.
-You can forgive a lot of plot-rearranging for first-rate cinematography.
-A dying Nazgul is fun to watch.
-Legolas can count too.
-Look, behind that banner! Elrond CAN smile.

[Maeggaladiel]

Heh heh! Good ones, guys!

- Hiding under a tree root will protect you from the all-seeing eye of Sauron and his Nasgul.

- If it's pale and greasy, it's probably evil. Unless it's Aragorn.

- Don't mind the voices in your head. It's just Galadriel having some fun.

- One arrow in the hands of Legolas can kill sixty orcs; one arrow in the hand of an orc is useless. (Ask Boromir.)

- Evil minions have three settings on their bows: "Stun," "Kill," and "Miss." They usually use the last setting to avoid lawsuits.

Keep 'em coming!

[Sirithheruwen]

Originally Posted by Maeggaladiel

- Evil minions have three settings on their bows: "Stun," "Kill," and "Miss." They usually use the last setting to avoid lawsuits.

On that breainwave...
They usually save the besst ("kill") for last. (Ask Boromir. Again.)

[Morai]

4. When chopping wood, make sure the trees don't have any friends. They will attack you...

I find that one very true. Why do you think there are so many treehuggers in Oregon? The trees have minds of their own. Anyways, here's some of my lessons learned:

1) If you have blonde hair, color changing eyes, good archery skills, can speak pretty elvish phrases, are graceful, and wear tight pants, you will always have a mob of teenyboppers chasing you.

2) Most short people with curly hair are hobbits that got drunk on ent-draught. Then they were so drunk that they managed to wax the hair of eachothers feet.

3) Never let your cousin drink in a bar if you want your identity to remain a secret.

4) Some jewelry just isn't worth the risk.

5) Always carry lembas when on a LONG hike.

[Saraphim]

~If you meet a girl who is willing to give up her immortality for you, she's a keeper.
~Never trust transparent guys in black cloaks riding black horses who can speak the black speech.
~If your uncle offers you a ring, say no.
~If a mysterious elf named Annatar offers you a ring, say no.

That's all I've got for now.

[purplefluffychainsaw]

1) If you have blonde hair, color changing eyes, good archery skills, can speak pretty elvish phrases, are graceful, and wear tight pants, you will always have a mob of teenyboppers chasing you.

Really? I'm settled then. Well, I'm not really all that graceful, but the rest I've got sorted. But that screws what I was going to say:

1) Grow your hair long, dye it blonde, get some false pointy ears and a bow. You'll ne'er need goo lookee for a girl e'er again.

But I still have:

2) When in the middle of the wilderness, and or a battle don't worry about your hair. 'Specially if it's long and blonde. ((Really? I wish.))


3) If you are under **Checks height scale** about 5" and don't posses pretty jewellry then you are automatically comedy relief.

4) don't worry about that great big army. Gandalf/Aragorn/the elves will come and help you.

5) (related to above) BUT they won't come until most of YOUR army is dead.

6) million to one chances *always* come through

7) Never walk into a flood. (Pay attention all you Nazgul at the back there!)

8) the elves can cure *anything*, even death **cougharagorncough**

9) Don't trust a slimy miget more then your best friend. Even if he has been through what you're going through.

10) Just becuase the elves say it doesn't mean it is true elvish.

Hmmm... That be all I can think of for now. But I'll be back! Oh!

11) Listen to the elves. Usually they know what they're doing. Yes, Isildur, that means you too.

[dkhyrosha]

Hmmm...you guys have most of them, but here's a few more:

If your daughter wants to marry a Ranger-would-be-King, there is nothing you can do to stop her.

When in a hopeless battle, duck, you never know who will fly to meet you

When in doubt, stay with Gandalf

Never, ever, grab a shinny ball when someone says not to (that means you Pip)

[Morai]

11) Listen to the elves. Usually they know what they're doing. Yes, Isildur, that means you too.

How true that is. Kinda puts a new twist on the phrase: "Listen to your elders."
Anyway here's a few more:

1) When screaming Nazgul come riding towards you, they probably mean to kill you, not to play a heavy metal concert.

2) The Phrase "Give me a hand" takes on a whole new meaning when your talking to the Eye of Sauron.

3) Friends are capable of attempting to stab you in the back, especially when they have the One Ring.

[ArathorofBarahir]

1. Never throw stones in a lake if you don't know what lives there.

2. There is always hope if you know that there is no hope there is hope.

3. Men with stubble can get hot chicks.

4. Never accept a ring as gift.

5. Never touch a skeleton sitting on a well.

6. Chicks dig elves.

[Etharius]

- A foil wrapped T-shirt proves to be very strong armour.
- Don't trust Theoden, he'll chop off the end of your spear.
- You will not recognise dwarves with their helmets off.
- Elves walk slower than snails when travelling West.
- Always keep a close eye on a Took.
- If you fare badly in battle, kill yourself. You will go to heaven.
- An Uruk Berserkers weakspot is...Its bollocks.
- Gunpowder weapons is the future.
- If you fancy a Elf in the kingdom over yonder, forget it.

[Morai]

1) Playing "I spy" with the Eye of Sauron isn't as fun as it seems. He always wins.

2) Of course, if you disguise yourself with ork armor, have an army of good guys acting as a diversion, and manage to throw a powerful ring into a volcano, you have a pretty good chance.

3) Then again, make sure to always bring a deranged, five centuries old, corrupted hobbit to bite your finger off when you try to get away with jewelry

[Beruthiel]

1) Elves like to feel included in important decisions, even if they are only repeating things ("a diversion"...This a cry for attention me thinks)

2) Next time your in a desolate, barren landscape with flying lumps of lava dropping out of the sky, think of a pretty place; your strength will be tripled instantly

3) Rings are officially out of fashion

4) As long as you have pointy ears, you are capable of anything

[Maeggaladiel]

The best way to kill any dark, sinister, evil person as well as maim the hero is to chop of a hand. Or at least a finger. (Hey, it worked in Star Wars, too!)

Pale people are always evil.

If one door magically closes in your face, try another one. If this one closes in your face and your boss grins wickedly at you, pretend not to notice and try another one. Don't catch on until you're completely boxed in.

Never say "Come and claim him" to a Nasgul.

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Hugging trees IS good for you.

If you're ever in a fight with nine nazgul, don't worry. They will attack you one by one and the others will wander around looking threatening until it is their turn.

Always word phrases about how you can be killed VERY carefully.

If anyone swings a large mace at you, just duck until they get frustrated.

NEVER say "So it begins".

If you're outnumbered a thousand to one, just get a poncy man in white to kill your leader.

Never scream as you charge in slow motion.

If there's a vast hunk of rubble heading for you, just stand there... it'll land right in front of you and stop.

If you're ever just about to be killed, talk to your best friend about your girl back home and you'll pull through.

NEVER EVER EVER say "There'll be enough for the journey back".

If a huge firework explodes in your tent, you'll just get your eyebrows singed off.

Rings send you mad...

Never accept suspicious jewelry through the mail.

If a large man in a black cape asks you the way to the pub, just tell him...

When in doubt, hit it with a stick...

[Gilwen]

Pale people are always evil.

Hmmmnn. I was thinking the opposite.

~Tan is not always good.(think Luthien)
*random thought* "My, that does look strange without the little accent-thingy."

~Hairy feet and large ears are something to be proud of.

~It's not an elephant. It's an Oliphaunt.

[Miriel Undomiel]

If you're ever just about to be killed, talk to your best friend about your girl back home and you'll pull through.

Hmm... I always thought it was the other way around... In every war-movie ever made, at some point in the movie before the big battle and all the killing, some unimportant guy will show the important guy a picture of his wife/girlfriend (maybe even a kid) and tell him that he is getting retired after the battle *looong sentence*. Then the unimportant guy dies...

Get the point?

my version:

* If you're just about to be killed in a battle, don't talk to anyone about your girlfriend!

[Feanor of the Peredhil]

Mwhahahahaha. Excellent. To add more...

If you look sufficiently miserable, you can scare anyone. (think Lobelia)

It's *never* a good idea to sing about ending and failing in evil forests.

If you need a horse, just borrow an Elf's. Nobody will care.

Passwords are always painfully obvious.

In a country full of blondes, if you have pasty skin and dark hair, you are *guaranteed* to be the bad guy.

When retreating in battle, it's not a smart idea to run into a forest that wasn't there but hours before.

If you lie about your identity, you won't end up with the man of your dreams, but you WILL meet someone even better.

That's all for now... gotta go learn a little Greek.

Fea

[Morai]

Here's some more important lessons:

1) Never harass the King's neice until you have him under a spell and exiled her brother.

2) Never pick a fight with an extremely old and tall man with a "walking stick"

[Lhundulinwen]

Always respect someone who threatens to blow your door down and out the other side of your hobbit hole.
When big scarry guys take over your hometown, you being the hero, set out that battle.
All inn keepers aren't exceptionally bright.
Avoid intoxicating drinks when trying to hide identity.

[Morai]

1) Who says bathing is a good thing? Stay away from the water, especially if your favorite ring/necklace is about to pull you in, and a giant eye is staring back at you.

2) If you don't want to put up the christmas lights yourself, just have a hobbit do it.

[Esgallhugwen]

lets see I think I might only have one or two for now.

1) Always have a good loyal friend around, you never know when you'll need them to pull you up from a fiery casm.
2) Lembas, although a lovely Elvish snack, can be very dry and can make you choke.
3) Horses are very affectionate (when Brego kneeled down for Aragorn) except when their dead and lying on top of you (Snowmane on Theoden)
4) Never underestimate the power of a half dazed, dehydrated, half dead Hobbit

ok 4 thats good enough for now!

[Morai]

*wakes up* Now class, here are some more great lessons to learn from LOTR:

1) Mountains are pretty, until you are in a hurry trying to cross them.
2) Be careful around wizards, they can range from wise to evil all in one discussion.
3) It is possible for two very different people from feuding races to actually befriend eachother.
4) Always escape from a band of orks and Uruk Hai when they turn on eachother and organs fly.
5) Then hastily crawl into a strange enchanted forest, making sure you leave some signs for your friends to find you.

[Miriel Undomiel]

1) Who says bathing is a good thing? Stay away from the water, especially if your favorite ring/necklace is about to pull you in, and a giant eye is staring back at you.

Hmmm... That explains Aragorns hydrophobia...

~Where there's a Will, there's a way (Will Turner ---> Orlando Bloom ---> Legolas)

[Maeggaladiel]

These are great!

~If you tell Frodo NOT to do something, he'll do it as soon as you're back is turned. (EX- "Don't put on the ring!" "Don't look at the lights!" "Don't listen to Gollum!")

~Forget bodyguards; hire a gardener.

~If you're a woman and you dress in men's clothing, everyone will think you're male. A chesty, willowy, high-voiced male with big lips and mascara.

~However, if you're a male and you wear a dress, nobody thinks you're a woman; you're either an elf or a wizard. (Although with the elves, it's sometimes hard to tell...) Still, nobody sees anything wrong with that.

~If your "good" boss has an evil black tower, an evil black staff, an evil black stripe in his beard, evil long fingernails, evil shifty eyes, and an evil-sounding voice, chances are that he may actually be evil. Even though he's wearing white.

~Never underestimate the power of a moth.

That's all for now.
~Maeg

[Esgallhugwen]

ok I may have a few more...

-never say your safe because your still in the Shire, thats code for your fellow Hobbits to mow you down in a corn feild.
-Always carry a Hafling around. You never know when you'll need one
-Always keep handy an Elvish phile filled with liquid starlight to scare away nasty big spiders
-speaking of spiders, never ignore the fact that their webbing is extremely sticky (and could probably substitute for super glue)
-Keep anything flamable away from suicidal pyromaniacs or just pyromaniacs in general


mwahahahaha....theres more to come!

[Sapphire_Flame]

2. you have to be fast if you want to get your screen time. Arwen might take it.

*SNORK!!*

If you're ever in a fight with nine nazgul, don't worry. They will attack you one by one and the others will wander around looking threatening until it is their turn.

So true, so true.

~Although you spent the whole trip carrying that huge shield around, the ONE TIME you need it, you won't have it.

~Deforestation can be hazardous to your health and to your plans of world domination.

~When in trouble, call Legolas.

~When in doubt, blame Sauron.

~Evil minions can't swim very well.

Abedithon le,

~*~Aranel~*~

[Sirithheruwen]

Although you spent the whole trip carrying that huge shield around, the ONE TIME you need it, you won't have it.

Actually, I never noticed that before. That's strange, considering how many times I've seen it. Strange....

[Morai]

Deforestation can be hazardous to your health and to your plans of world domination.

Ouch...that sounds like something a treehugger would say around where I live. *Shudder*

Hmmm... That explains Aragorns hydrophobia...

Probably doesn't want to loose his pretty silver /emerald ring. (Kinda reminds me of a "class ring"

*Don't follow fashion trends, especially when they're started by a powerful sorcerer who has been associated with Morgroth.

*If you're disguised in ork armor and you are a hobbit, no one will notice. Well...except maybe the Eye....

*But of course he's being distracted by another army...right until someone puts on the Ring

[Maeggaladiel]

If you're disguised in ork armor and you are a hobbit, no one will notice. Well...except maybe the Eye....

BUT-- Being only a single eye, he has no depth perception. Therefore even if he DOES see you in your deceptive armor, he can't tell if you're ten MILES away or ten FEET away.

Tree huggers, Morai? Do you live in Oregon? Because they have similar problems there. *slaps forehead-* Oh, duh. "Halfway between equator and pole..." I don't think Oregon has that strategic placement. Nevermind!

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Lol, true true.

If a friend starts being protective over a ring, kill him...right away, don't wait two thousand years to do it...

[Morai]

Tree huggers, Morai? Do you live in Oregon? Because they have similar problems there. *slaps forehead-* Oh, duh. "Halfway between equator and pole..." I don't think Oregon has that strategic placement. Nevermind!

Okay fine, I do live in Oregon. (Where Treehuggers lie. And I like to call the former govenor the Dark Lord) A hotel in the town I live in is on the North 45th parallel. (And yes, I refuse to reveal what it is. If you are smart, you'll figure it out and keep silent.) So therefore I aproximately live half-way between the North Pole and the Equator.

Anyway, back to the thread.

*If you are old and wear long robes, people to honor and respect you. It's a new/old fashion statement saying "I am wise...RESPECT ME OR ELSE!"

[Sapphire_Flame]

BUT-- Being only a single eye, he has no depth perception. Therefore even if he DOES see you in your deceptive armor, he can't tell if you're ten MILES away or ten FEET away.

UNLESS--he doesn't have his contact lens in; then he can't see anything farther than ten INCHES away, so it wouldn't really matter what you're wearing anyway.

(That's from personal experience. If I don't have my glasses on I can't see anything clearly if it's more than four inches away from my face. So sad...)

~Elves are made of Teflon. Therefore, they never get dirty. In Elrond's case, the only reason he was dirty AT ALL at the Last Alliance is because he's a half-elf; half-elves do not inherit the Teflon coating of full-elves.

~Large, blue, Anime-style blue eyes, as possessed by a certain Ringbearer, never EVER get bloodshot. Ever. Not even when said Ringbearer has been trekking across Mordor for weeks on end.

Abedithon le,

~*~Aranel~*~

[Maeggaladiel]

Ah, so you are nearsighted too, Saphire_Flame? You are among good company!

~Royal familes are too often disfunctional.

~Blondes come from Rohan, brunettes come from Gondor.

~When faced by a large army, try lobbing chunks of your city at them. All they can do is sidestep, right?

~Trolls make excellent drummers. Why use the massive, strong, nearly-indestructable trolls for combat when they have such musical talent?

~Never forget about that little sidedoor right next to the place where the Uruks are bashing in the gate. They'll never notice it, so you might as well use it.

~A single dirty human and a dwarf can take up to fifteen fully-armed Uruk-hai on a narrow bridge, no problems.

~Real men ride horses.

~Real women slay witch kings.

~Don't worry about Gollum. You didn't need that finger, anyway.

[Sapphire_Flame]

Heehee. Mayhap I'll have to join your society, Maeg!

When faced by a large army, try lobbing chunks of your city at them.

Ah, very good advice. Just be sure not to lob any significant structural supports at them.

This isn't a lesson, but it is something LotR has done for me: in my film studies class at school, we have to write several papers about movies, usually with some sort of focus (cinematography, acting, etc.). For nearly every paper, I used LotR; and got A's on all those papers. Thank you, LotR!!

Abedithon le,

~*~Aranel~*~