The Reunification of the Entish Bow - Discussion

[Estelyn Telcontar]

This is the continuation of the tale of the Entish Bow that was begun in The Revenge of the Entish Bow.

What happened so far:

Merisuwyniel, a lovely Elven maiden on the brink of adulthood, carries a bow made of the wood of an Ent that was once hewn by orcs. It requests her to help revenge itself upon its foes and to find the other pieces of the Ent that were separated from it. Together with a group of companions known (politically correctly, of course!) as the Fellow/Galship, she begins the quest. They experience many adventures on their travels through Muddled-Berth.

Unexpectedly, the orc captain who was responsible for this and other heinous deeds falls in love with her; she returns his affection, yet his past must be avenged. He dies, as do his superiors, Lord Sourone and a mysterious female known as She (who turns out to be Merisuwyniel’s lost mother and the twin sister of… but I digress!). One of the companions, a Half-Elven hero, The Elven maiden’s first love, also dies.

Merisuwyniel is devastated in the face of so many deaths and resolves never again to shoot the Bow, but rather to learn the art of healing in Minus Teeth, the Wight City. Some of the companions accompany her; others go their separate ways. Yet, though the Entish Bow has had its revenge, it is still not complete; in the second part of the story, the remainder of the Fellow/Galship sets out to find and recover the missing parts, that they might be reunified.

Characters:

Members of the Fellow/Galship:

Merisuwyniel (Estelyn Telcontar, also game owner)

Earnur Etceteron (The Squatter of Amon Rûdh)

Pimpiowyn and Vogonwë (Diamond18)

Orogarn Two (The Barrow-Wight)

Kuruharan and his dragon Chrysophylax (Kuruharan)


Other players (new characters to be introduced):

Mithadan

Thenamir

Lush

Birdland (critter cameo specialist)

The Saucepan Man


Additional cameos are planned; players will be introduced when the time comes.

This RPG is invitational only; forum members who feel that they can write in this style may audition by contacting me via e-mail: Estelyn@barrowdowns.com, preferably with a sample of their writing or a link to posts that demonstrate their ability to write good quality subtle humour. Please do not post here unless I have accepted your character suggestion!

Time requirement for regular players is at least one post every two weeks; the pace will be a bit more leisurely than it was in Part One. For this reason, the telling of the story will take several months. For guidelines, please see the discussion thread for The Revenge of the Entish Bow (now located at Elvenhome). General rules for posting on the Gondor forum may be read at Ecthelion’s Tower.

Players who are recapping their roles from the first part are asked to post a brief character bio, including the current status concerning weapons, equine companions etc. Players with new characters, please check them with me before posting. The RPG will begin within the next week or two.

[ July 02, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Diamond18]

The Return of the Odd Couple…

Character: Vogonwë Brownbark

Species: Half Elf, Half Human
Age: Approximately 300 years

Height: 6 ft./1.9 m
Hair: Long, tied back with hairbow, ash brown in color
Eyes: Grayish brown

Occupation: Poet. Sort of.

Equine status: He used to have a mare named Pasdedeux, but is currently horseless, due to her elopement with Baklava the Black and Sarcastic. He rode the deceased Halfullion’s Tofu the Talkative back to Minus Teeth.

Weapons: A seemingly endless supply of hand thrown arrows, and a fatally comprehensive knowledge of Workmudian Aim-Well spells to affix to said shafts.

Magic knick-knacks: A silvery-brown satin hairbow, which grants him the ability to understand and speak every animal dialect known to the kevlar (sic). Once he even composed a poem in “Horse”. This may have something to do with Pasdedeux’s defection.

History: He was born to Geppettuil the Elven Party-king of Workmud (third cousin of Throngduil, thrice removed) and Darthana, a Woman of Chippendale (who drowned in the kitchen sink). He was raised to believe that he had been carved from an enchanted log. He left Workmud at around the age of 200 and settled down at the Elven Farm a few decades after that. He joined the Itship in order to tag along after his girlfriend, and compose poetry about their adventures. On the way, he discovered his true half-elven heritage. And lost his horse, of course.

Future aspirations: Composing poetry, visiting Chippendale to get in touch with his manly side, and making ¼ Elf, ¼ Hobbit, ½ Human children with Pimpi.

---

Character: Pimpiowyn Took (Pimpi)

Species Half Human, Half Hobbit
Age: 25 years

Height: 6 ft./1.9 m
Hair: Long, reddish golden curls.
Eyes: Big, round, and very blue.

Occupation: Being cute and pretty, eating a lot, and listening to Vogonwë’s poetry.

Equine status: Same as Vogonwë (though she could use her own horse now that she’s taller).

Weapons: An Elven dagger with a curved blade, which she christened Hush after slaying her first Orc with it.

Magic knick-knacks: None, since using her orc-detecting horsehead pendant, Lopitoff, as a grenade.

History: Born to Éohorse son of Needahorse, a Man of the Mike, and Pipsissewa Took, a Hobbit lass. Family was ambushed by Orcs while picnicking—parents were killed, horse beheaded. Pimpi was rescued and adopted by elves from the Elven Farm, and joined the Itship to hunt down the Orcs responsible for her parents’ death. She succeeded when Vogonwë, on her behalf, killed Gravlox the Not-So-Bad in a duel. She also grew from 5 to 6 feet upon eating a magic bean.

Future aspirations: Eating, becoming a shieldmaiden sidekick to Merisuwyniel and going on adventures, doing things like riding horses, killing Orcs, attending parties dressed in her black velvet dress with the red sleeves… yeah, good stuff like that. She promised to marry Vogonwë eventually, but plans on a long engagement before she has to settle down and raise hybrid children.

[ June 30, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Kuruharan]

Kuruharan is a Longbeard Dwarf from Erebor. He is five feet tall and like all Dwarves he is stocky and very strong. He has neatly brushed light brown hair and beard and sparkling blue-gray eyes. He wears rich clothing: a cloak of the deepest crimson with silver fringe, under that he wears a full length coat of dark blue with gold embroidery along the edge. His tunic is as red as a cherry, with more gold embroidery. He wears a gold belt with an axe thrust into it, and his boots are impeccably polished. On a gold chain around his neck he wears a large golden dragon pendent. Underneath this he wears chain-mail armor. He more than likely has all sorts of things tucked away in various places. He is a capable fighter, but prefers to let others do the fighting if possible. He does not want to get stains on his outfit.

He always has his eye on making a profit and is usually willing to sell most anything to anybody. He has traveled far and wide to many strange places. He knows all sorts of people. In fact, he knows a surprising number of characters and creatures that it is rather surprising that a Dwarf would be on good terms with. The most notable unexpected creature of his acquaintance is his pet dragon Chrysophylax Dives.

The origins of their relationship are a bit clouded. Nobody knows why a dragon of ancient and imperial lineage would be the mere pet of a dwarf, one of their ancient enemies. The origins and specifics of their arrangement should probably remain shrouded in mystery, for the good of all concerned (Chrysophylax being apt to eat anybody who starts asking too many questions.)

In the story thus far he is (oddly enough) one of the few characters who has actually managed to find a piece of the Ent that was Broken. If he ever realizes this he may demand a commission.

It should probably also be noted that while Kuruharan's a bit of a shady individual, he is a loyal Dwarf to his people and will never go against their interests. Most everybody else is fair game.

[Mithadan]

Character: Gravlox Uruk

Race: Uruk Hai

Description: Gravlox is a typically hideous... wait a minute...

MY CHARACTER'S DEAD!

This isn't fair! Going on with the story without poor Gravlox and leaving me behind without a character! Why I'll... sue! That's it, I'll sue! *Consults terms of Barrow-Downs Administrator's Agreement and discovers that suing the site results in revokation of membership, the forfeiture of a substantial sum of cash and perpetual halitosis*

OK, I'll create a new charcter.

Character: Grrralph

Race: Uncertain

Description and background: Grrralph appeared in Minus Teeth shortly after the conclusion of the War of the Thing, seeking treatment from the city's legendary Houses of Healing. Despite various tests and examinations, Grrralph's condition has gone undiagnosed. Nonetheless, he has stayed on at the Houses of the Healing where he assists as he can.

Grrralph is approximately 2.4 meters tall and always wears black hooded robes over full body armour consisting of chainmail (steel, black), a breast plate (steel, black), vambraces (steel, black), leather gloves (black) with steel studs (black), chain hose (black) and thigh high boots (red).

Strangely enough, he always keeps his hood on. In fact, no one has seen his body (which explains why the healers can't diagnose his condition). His eyes, which are all that can be seen of his face, are burning red. He tends to hiss when he speaks (and occaisionally wails). While generally friendly and cordial and eager to fit in, his behavior is at times...eccentric (some would say erratic, others might quietly use the term psychotic). The healers believe that he has recently experienced some trauma which had an effect upon his personality.

Weapons: Glowing Broadsword, morningstar, six long knives, four daggers, two short curved knives, four throwing knives, twenty poison darts, a whip and... you get the picture.

Armour: Described briefly above. Add one black steel shield with some red symbol on it that appears to have been rubbed off with sandpaper.

Horse: A black stallion with a rather ugly face, named Puff.

Magic Items: Yes.

[Birdland]

Welcome new players Thenamir and Lush to Estelyn Telcontar's Reunification of the Entish Bow or The Itship - Part Atta. For the sake of brevity, I will now refer to this RPG as "ROEB" - which is actually the same acronym we used for the last RPG.

I played many minor characters in ROEB, all of which have been dropped from the film version. These characters provided local color, unbiased commentary, and various background noises while the members of the Itship meandered about Muddled Berth.


Appearing throughout ROEB were: a conniving fox, flight-challenged Kiwi Banes, Mithril Munching Moria Mice, Watchers-in-the-Water who quoted Samuel Becket, Born Beorns, and a flock of crebain for that touch of gross-out humor that we all crave.

Now in ROEB (or I - PA) you might catch glimpses of these characters again. In fact, I may on occasion cut and paste entries from the first ROEB if I'm in a hurry. But I also will be introducing many other new and exciting minor characters, including the oft-mentioned, but seldom seen, Zerl (Pat. Pend.).

Oh, and Vogonwë: if you are still in need of a steed, I believe Shagoff is available. Last I saw of him, he was pining at the grave of his master, Gravlox. (Or he could have been patiently waiting for the corpse to age, since Orcs tend to taste a little "gamy".)

[Diamond18]

Poor Shagoff, he will be disappointed when he realizes that Chrysophylax ate the corpse before him. [img]smilies/tongue.gif[/img]

With Esty's permission, I have been working on a small appendix to post here. It's a compilation of the parody names that were used in REB 1. The idea, is that if you want to make a reference about, say, Harad, and you want to know what it has been called in our alternate universe, you don't have to comb you memory or the old RPG, but simply look it up in Diamond's Nifty Alphabetized Appendix of Atrocities. It only includes the names that were direct allusions to or substitutions for places and people in Tolkien. (I.E. it won't include stuff like the Led Silmarils concert reference, or characters like Aliciel). I'll have it finished in a few days. I'm posting this explanation now so I can just sling it up without ado, when I do.

I forget to welcome Thenamir and Lush! Fie upon my head. I'm looking forward to the new characters.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

And now, give a hearty welcome to yet another new player (drrrrrrummmmmmrrrrrrrooolllllll): The Saucepan Man! One more person who has given in to my arm-twisting, and I look forward to having him on the quest with us as well as Thena and Lush. Welcome back to those of the previous crew - it's going to be fun writing with you again!

I will be away for a few days over the weekend, but should be able to catch up with any messages (use the above-mentioned e-mail address rather than PMing - 10 messages fill up so fast!) on Sunday afternoon/evening. I'll start the game with Merisu's first post sometime next week.

For your planning, your first posts should establish where you are now and what you have been doing in the interim. Merisu is in the Houses of Healing, of course, learning the trade, and I imagine most of your characters are also in the Wight City somewhere. After the first, establishing posts, we will gather and prepare to go on the next adventure. Come on, you didn't really think that Merisu would be happy as a healer the rest of her days, did you?

Mith, your new character sounds vaguely, disturbingly familiar - where have we encountered someone like that before??

[ July 02, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Mithadan]

Indeed! Welcome Thenamir, Lush and The Saucepan Man!

Great idea Diamond! While playing around with outlines for a new character, I picked out a couple of names that we had already used in REB I. The name list will be a great help to everyone.

Mith, your new character sounds vaguely, disturbingly familiar - where have we encountered someone like that before??

I have no idea what you are talking about. Grrralph is a totally original and fresh construct of my imagination. In fact I intend to copyright his description and trademark his name in response to several inquiries that I've received regarding Grrralph action figures and a line of clothing.

[Thenamir]

There is a new face of evil in Middle Earth. One of the lesser maiar, once a student of Sourman in the International Brotherhood of Magicians (IBM), now seeks his own 'window' to power. None knows his real name, kept secret under a bad haircut and spectacles. To those who purchase his wonderously soft wares, he would only identify himself as the "Gateskeeper".

A seeming helpful friend, he seeks to wreck and spoil anyone with a different program, hiding his intentions behind an innocent-looking but deadly blue screen.

After his last battle, wherein he fought the Eunuchs of the Pea-Sea to a draw, he now seeks the power of the reunified Entish Bow to aid him in defeating the dreaded Penguin Troops of the Line-Ox, and thus claim the Pea-Sea for his own. Using his latest Xpress Powers (XP) to further disguise himself, the Gateskeeper joins the fellow/gal ship to assist them in finding the remains of the great Bow, all the while planning to betray them and claim the ent-fragments for his own.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Merisuwyniel is an orphaned Elven maiden of 42 years, almost adult by Elven standards. She is very beautiful, having long, rippling golden hair and violet eyes, slender and tall. She is graceful, friendly, courageous, very strong and yet shy. Her customary clothing is tasteful yet utilitarian; she wears practical but feminine divided skirts when questing. She carries a living bow made of the wood of an Ent, which she rescued from orcs when she was yet a child. The bow communicates with her by touch and/or by speech, as the occasion requires, and never misses its mark. (Well, almost never – it missed its mark once, with devastating results, but that is another story.) She rides a black steed, Falafel, a direct descendent of Felaróf, the first of the mearas.

Merisuwyniel recently discovered that her mother was Vinaigrettiel, the twin sister of the Elven non-Queen Saladriel. However, the message reached her after her mother had died. In the course of her adventures, she also lost her first youthful love, the half-Elven hero Lord Halfullion Gormlessar, who was slain in the Battle of Gol Dulldor. As if that hadn’t already been enough, the love of her life, the Orc Gravlox, was killed in a duel at the fortress of Minus Moreghoul. These tragedies have placed in her heart the wish to be a healer rather than a stereotypical weaponslinging shieldmaiden. For this reason she is in the Wight City, Minus Teeth, to learn the art of healing.

[The Barrow-Wight]

WHO IS OROGARN TWO?
Orogarn Two, son of Orogarn One, son of The Orogarn Jr., son of The Orogarn, son of Garn Eight, son of Garn Seven, son of Kevin, son of Garn Six…(insert 77 generations, including Kitzeldoor the Astronaut, here)… third cousin of Isildur, or, shortly said, Orogarn Two, son of Orogarn One, third cousin of Isildur, 84 times removed.

Orogarn Two is the aristocratic son of lord Denimthor, Proctor of Grundor and Guardian of the Porcelain Throne of Minus Teeth. Though more comfortable giving speeches to Citibank officials from as far away as Ethyline, Listerine, and even Dol Amstel, he was convinced to leave the Wight City after having the most odd dream in which a poem was revealed to him.

“Seek for the Ent that was broken:
With the Cow Keeper it dwells;
There shall nonsense be spoken
More wicked than Dulldor-spells.
There shall be a token dwarf
A half-elf, elf, wizard and man,
For Isildur's cousin shall waken,
And form a big-hair 80’s band.”

These rhyming lines set him on a journey that eventually landed him a spot in the Itship. As a member of the Fellow/Galship, Orogarn two participated in many adventures, though his motivation for joining was not entirely due to the plight of multifurcated Ent. Instead, he participated in hopes of solving a mystery – the pilfering of his wallet in the Entish Wood many years ago. Orogarn Two was convinced that a treeman was responsible for the theft of his money pouch, and he was sure that the Entish Bow could lead him to the culprit.

A DESCRIPTION
Orogarn Two is tall, thin, and very handsome. He has a full head of feathered (but not teased), dark brown hair that would make any spandex-clad rocker sigh in envy. He perpetually wears blue suede shoes, blue jeans, and a short-sleeved green T-shirt with the image of a sword emblazoned on the front. His legs are so powerful that he does not require a horse for travel, but he learned during his latest adventure that a steed, or at least a beast of burden, would be a good idea. He has plans to find a suitable mount before the next journey begins.

He carries a sword, as does every warrior worth his salt, but he also has a magical crystal hung around his neck on a golden chain. The crystal, when grasped firmly and concentrated upon, gives Orogarn Two the ability to project invisible hypontic rays that few are able to resist.

SO WHY IS OROGARN TWO READY TO LEAVE GRUNDOR AGAIN?
After returning to the Wight City of his birth, Orogarn Two spent nearly a week researching the dusty archives deep beneath the Citbank. There, amid a stack of unauthorized Wose drumbeat transcripts he discovered the suspicous financial records of an Ent named Skinflint. Several centuries ago the sneaky sycamore had come under investigation after he had allegedly sold several batches of watered down entrdraught to a band of Anorien merchants. After that, his name had appeared regularly in police registers alongside a list of other fraudulent schemes. No accusations were ever proven, so the Ent was never prosecuted, and for many years he was not seen again on the law enforcement dockets of Grundor. But only 10 years ago, shortly after Orogarn Two’s wallet was lifted while passing through the Entish Wood, the yellowed parchements showed that Skinflint had deposited a large sum of money into his Bank of Isengard savings account. Orogarn Two became convinced that that sudden cashflow could only have come from his pilfered moneybag!

The Ent was gonna pay!

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Hullo everyone, particularly those new to the Entish Bow madness. There follows all you need to know (and quite a lot that you don't) about my character.

Concerning Earnur Etceteron, Lord of Dun Sóbrin etc

Earnur is a mighty, honest, noble, brave and frequently misguided warrior of country unknown. Although he is officially part of The Aristocracy(TM), nobody is entirely sure whose owing to an hilarious series of mishaps involving fires in three major cities, a pantomime cow and a masque ball: his is one of the few documents of ennoblement to open with the words "To whom it may concern".

Earnur was once the bearer of Wylkynsion, the dreaded Black Sword of Dun Sóbrin, and rider of the mighty Baklava, lord of horses and master of wordless sarcasm; but the former was broken by Vinaigrettiel and later thrown off a cliff and the latter got a better offer during the course of the Entish Bow's revenge. Now Etceteron bears a new blade without a name, although he is seriously considering calling it 'Griper' (see the concluding posts of Revenge), and his new horse is on order from the home stables.

Since the Revenge, Earnur has been seeking healing at the renowned House of Bettifordeth, where his once-magnificent drinking problem has been cut down to a penchant for a small sherry on Sunday afternoons. Who can tell how permanent a cure this has been? Well, I can; but I'm the only one for now.

His malady cured, he dashed off two notes, one asking for a sponge bag, the other requesting legal representation. One misunderstanding and the fall of two kingdoms and a small bakery later he's ready to take on the adventure of his life.

At-a-glance confusion:

Race: Human (approx)
Age: Indeterminate forties.
Eyes: Two
Hair: Yes

Horse Baklava's replacement is a mighty black war steed, whose name shall remain secret until I've thought of one.

Weapons:
Standard-issue magical talking sword, audible only to the bearer. Other properties than speech have yet to be found, although so far speech has been quite enough for most.

An infinity of boot-knives, hunting knives, swimming knives and butter knives (one must preserve the proprieties), any of which can be reached instantly in awkward situations. Also one butterfly knife for hunting moths.

Magical items
The sword (see above). No-one knows what it does because no-one has listened to the instructions and remained sane.

Flask of eternal refilling: "Eternal," notes the sales pitch, "is merely an approximate life, based on typical usage. Refer to conversion chart for details". When emptied this silver flask fills itself with an Elven liquor of great virtue and possible healing powers. Typically it's of no use at all for two reasons: Firstly Earnur has given up drinking and secondly he used up all of its magic at the end of Revenge. There are no prizes for those who know how, why and how many years it should have lasted, because they spend too much time here already.

A helpful talking paper clip: He doesn't have one of these. It isn't even on his wish-list. I had you going, though.

[Mithadan]

It seems that the gauntlet has been thrown down with considerable force. Lush and The Saucepan Man, it's your turn. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[Lush]

I'm waiting for Esty's approval on the details. I'm also going to Crimea for two weeks on Sunday and my internet access will be almost totally non-existent. If Esty is satisfied with what I presented her with so far, perhaps she'll make the post with the details of my character. If not, I'll get to fixing everything on the 22nd. Be afraid, be very afraid.

[ July 04, 2003: Message edited by: Lush ]

[Diamond18]

This torturous anticipation is lethal! If you don't post your descriptions within the next few days, I may fling myself off a bridge to end the madness.

Or, rather, I will wait for Lush and Saucy's characters to be posted before I post the maddeningly long appendix. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[The Saucepan Man]

My roles are legion! MWA-HA-HA ...

... er, well, multiple, anyway.

Name: Various, but likely to involve a fair number of M's, D's and G's, more than their fair share of Z's and K's and perhaps a sprinkling of X's too. But alas equally as likely to be deficient in their vowel content.

Race: Variable and quite possibly, on occasions, indeterminate. But inevitably fallen.

Appearance: Invariably dark. Generally not pleasant and frequently downright repulsive. Likely to involve one or more of the following: long pointy teeth/ claws/ horns/ multiple limbs/ tentacles/ warts/ scales/ wings (whether shadowy, vestigial or otherwise)/ dark robes/ patchy hair/ multiple piercings/ bad dentistry/ unpleasant skin condition.

Weapons: Oh yes. Lots. Mostly barbed, spiked, cruelly curved and/or poisoned.

Magic Items: Quite possibly, although likely to be dangerous to the casual user.

Background: Probably inconsequential, but mostly involving ill-fortune, neglect, violence, peer pressure, association with a "bad crowd" and/or susceptability to suspiciously desirable but ultimately unwisely taken gifts from dark strangers.

Or, in short, I will be taking the role of various villains, baddies and minions of some power-hungry Dark Lord or other.

Ok, that's all a bit vague, but I'm running a few ideas past Estelyn at the moment and may well post again later when I have something more specific.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Since Lush has no internet access right now, I am posting her character biography for her. Here it is:

Name: Leninia the Deceivingly-Little

Species: Witch (the female equivalent of Wizard)

Height: Tiny, but don’t let that fool you.

Hair: Black.

Eyes: Narrow when angry (i.e. always narrow).

Attire: Dresses exclusively at the GAP of Rohan.

Age: <here is written a lengthy obscenity, followed by a two-page essay on how asking ladies their age is vulgar and inappropriate>

Occupation: Professional Villain, moonlights as a Pop Minstrel.

Weapons: The most terrifying singing voice ever heard in recorded history (some say that her voice-coach was the embodiment of Melkor himself). As if that isn’t enough, Leninia also possesses a staff in the guise of a stylish umbrella, with a diamond-encrusted handle featuring the head of a black poodle. When activated, the staff has been known to turn Leninia’s victims into toads, goats, and corporate officials.

History: Rumored to be the illegitimate daughter of a mighty Wizard and a chambermaid, she inherited her mother’s domestic skills and her daddy’s ability to use her voice to destructive means. Spoiled by her nannies and hypnotized by her dream to become a singing star bigger than that of Eär-split-til, she ran away from home at age twelve, but has since achieved a certain level of maturity, going from a simple brat to a presence of true evil. Her list of alleged crimes includes the imprisonment of a certain object that she likes to call a "Freakin' Talkin' Guitar."

Current Residence: The Barrow-Downs, where she is attempting...Well, you'll see.

Marital Status: Black widow; changes husbands with the same frequency that Hobbits re-fill their beers.

Hobbies: Fits of rage that commence in destruction of private property and innocent bystanders.

Hopes and Dreams: To meet a man who doesn’t irritate her, and subsequently kill him.

[Diamond18]

Glossary of Goofisms
Please PM me about any errors and/or omissions. No really, I’m begging you to.

Note: In Ye Olde RPG, many parody names were used more or less interchangeably with the real names. Make of that what you will.

Places:

Anduin = Watschaduin (also see The Great River)
-
Angband = Slangbad
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Barad-dûr = Barát-Höm
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Barrow-Downs = Marrow-Bones
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Beleriand = Dairyland
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Bridge of Khazad-dûm = Escalator of Ka Boom!
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Caradhras = Canthardlee
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Caras Galadon = Careless Gardenhon
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The Citadel = The Citibank
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Dale = Chippendale
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Dimrill Dale = Dimwit Dale
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Dol Amroth = Dol Amistel
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Dol Guldur = Gol Dulldor
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Dor Lómin = Dun Sóbrin
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Dor Winion = Dor Sumyewinion
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Druadan Forest = Pukestain Forest
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Edoras = Improvas
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Emyn Muil = Eminem Mule
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Ephel Dúath = Ephel Dûwot
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Ered Lithui = Ered Legthargi
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Erebor = Trebor
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Ford of Bruinen = Ford of Buicken
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Gap of Rohan = Rohan Interstate, the GAP of Rohan
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Golden Hall of Meduseld = Goldlamé Hall
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Gondolin = Grindulin, Round-and-In, Valvoline
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Gondor = Gondola, Grundor
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The Great River = The Pretty-Good River (also see Anduin)
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Greenwood the Great = Greenwood the Untreated Lumber Yard
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Harad = Harried, Hardhead, Hardup
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Houses of Healing = Houses of Bettifordeth
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Ithilien = Ethyline
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Isengard = Networkgard (also see Ring of)
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Khand = Khant
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Land of Shadows = Land of Shadowy Deals
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The Last Homely House = The Last Home Grown Cows, the Elven Farm, Hidden Valley Ranch, the Farm of Roneld
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Lebennin = Listerine
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Lothlorien = Topfloorien
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The Mark = The Mike
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Middle-earth = Muddled-berth, Muddle-mud, Muddled-Mirth
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The Mines of Moria = The Subway, Lindon Underground
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Minas Morgul = Minus Moreghoul
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Minas Tirith = Minus Teeth
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Mirkwood = Workmud the Okay-I-Guess
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Mordor = Moredough
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Mount Doom = Mount Moody (also see Orodruin)
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Nargothrond = Nogarter-on
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Númenor = Noodleor
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Orodruin = Odouruin (also see Mount Doom)
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Orthanc = Dorktank
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Osgiliath = Ozfestiath
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Parth Galen = Park Galore
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Ring of Isengard = Token-ring of Networkgard
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Rohan = Rofoo, Soreham
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Rhudaur = Rudehour
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The Shire = The Mire
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Sundering Sea = Sunderland Sea
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Tol Brandir = Toll Brandy
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Valinor = Valium, Valleyum, Place Beyond the Great Rift and the Bent Seas which no one can get to but where everyone wants to go.
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The White City = The Wight City
---

Characters and Creatures:

Amras = Rumpus
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Amrod = Ramrod
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Annatar, Lord of Gifts = Avatar, Lord of .Gifs
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Aragorn II = Orogarn Two
-
Argonath = Astronauts
-
Balrog = Porterorg, Balfrog
-
Beren One-hand = Benny Clammyhand
-
Bilbo Baggins = Bilbo S. Thompson
-
Black squirrels = Black skwerlz
-
Calaquendi = Doolalliquendi
-
Caranthir = Currentbun
-
Celeborn = Celery
-
Celegorm = Celegormless
-
Crebain from Dunland = Kiwi-banes from Down-Under
-
Curufin = Curedham
-
Dúnedain = Dumb-admen
-
Durin’s Bane = Kuruharan’s Pain
-
Denothor = Denimthor
-
Eärendil the Mariner = Eärandnau the Marinade
-
Easterlings = Beasterlings
-
Ecthelion = Etceteron
-
Edain = Fodderain
-
Elrond Half-elven = Roneld McDoneld
-
Elros Tar-Minyatur = Elros Car-Minicooper
-
Elwë Sincollo = Avmë Lastrolo
-
Elu Thingol = Ereyu Thingy
-
Éowyn = Éowhine
-
Eru = Emu
-
Fëanor = Feeblenor
-
Felaróf = Fellofftheroof
-
The Fellowship = The Fellow/Galship, the Itship, the Multiple Choice Questors, the Gallowship, the Whatevership, the Gorilla-ship, the Ow-ship, Gal-N-Fellowship, Politically-Semi-Correct-ship, His-and-Hers-Ship, Non-Gender-Specific-Ship, He-She-and-It-Ship, This-and-That-Ship, Whatchacallitship, Uniship
-
Finrod = Pinrod
-
Galadriel = Saladriel
-
Gandalf the Grey = Dandruff the Fey
-
Glorfindel = Gloryfinder
-
Gothmog = Greedhog
-
Greenleaf = Brownbark
-
Gríma Wormtongue = Grimy Hasbéen
-
Grishnákh = Goshtalk
-
Haldir = Holdit
-
Háma = Hámmerhead, Hamstrung, Hámancheese
-
Huorns = Thorns
-
Ilúvatar = Ilovetar
-
Ioreth = Eeyoreth
-
Isildur = Kitzledoor
-
Kelvar = Kevlar
-
Laiquendi = Smartiquendi
-
Legolas / Orlando Bloom = O Lando L’Oréal Bloom
-
Lúthien Tinúviel = Lucy-Jane Thinguviel (also see Tinúviel)
-
Maedhros = Muddlehead
-
Maglor = Mugglin
-
Mandos = Mantoes
-
Manwë Sùlimo = Manuël Sántana
-
Mearas - Morosa
-
Melkor = Melvin Bluenote
-
Morgoth Bauglir = Môgul Bildûr
-
Morwen = Morwhine
-
Nazgûl = Nazcool
-
Neekerbreekers = Knickerbuckles
-
Noldar = Noodlar
-
Númenorean = Noodleorean
-
Olwë = Paellaë
-
Púkel-Men = Puking-Men (also see Woses)
-
Radagast the Brown = Pettygast the Green
-
Riddermark = Quexchinmike
-
Ringwraiths = Thingwraiths
-
Rohirrim = Sorethinghhim
-
Rumil = Roomeal
-
Saruman = SoAman, Sauerkraut
-
Sauron = Soreone, Sourman, Soregum
-
Shelob = Shishkebob
-
Sindar = Sindiar
-
Skinbark = Skinflint
-
Southrons = Poltroons
-
Spawns of Ungoliant = Pawns of Uncooliphaunt
-
Teleri = Calamari
-
Théoden King = Théboleggen King
-
Tinúviel = Tinúlizzie (also see Lúthien)
-
Thingol = Thingy (also see Elu Thingol)
-
Tom Bombadil = Tom Bomba-bloom-o (a.k.a. Bombi)
-
Turgon = Turgid
-
Túrin Turambar = Tintin Rum-baba
-
Uglûk = Oolalaluk
-
Ungoliant = Uncooliphaunt
-
Valar = Velour
-
Vanyar = Vaniti
-
Variags = Scallywags
-
Voronwë = Vogonwë
-
Wargs = Baskerwargs
-
Woses = Woozies (also see Púkel-Men)
-
Yavanna = The Fruit-Giver, Yawanna
---

Things and Events:

Anduril = Andëskil, Windósil (the Sword that Was On Sale)
-
Gift of Men = Drift of Men
-
Glamdring, the Beater = Bamding, the Toeslammer
-
Gurthang = Gurl-thang
-
Jewels of Fëanor = Stones of Feeblenor
-
Kingsfoil = Kingsboil
-
Kinslaying = Kinhoodwinking
-
Lembas = Lembrownies
-
Light of Valinor = Languid Lava of Valleyum
-
The Mirror of Galadriel = The Salad Bowl of Saladriel
-
Osanwë = O-mail
-
Palantír = Cell-antír, Discotír, Satel-antír
-
Quenya = Quixotic
-
Silmarils = Similars, Silmaroils
-
Sindarin = Simian
-
Swan Ships = Squid Ships
-
Throne of Gondor = Porcelain Throne
-
War of Wrath = War of Mild Irritation
-
Westron = Westosterone
---

[ September 12, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Bêthberry]

I am utterly, utterly, overwhelmingly, completely, stupendously offended and even mildly perturbed by the limited terms of your reference, Diamond, for this alleged Diamond's Nifty Alphabetized Appendix of Atrocities.

Revenge of the Entish Bow was so much more than a flagrant act of atrocious non-canonicity.

I mean, how will it be possible not to have need to recall Gravlox's son Gravy, who YET LIVES?

How will Merrisuewynniel not be torn daily and most particularly nightly by remembrances of her first true love which she threw over for that disgusting Gravlox? Will no one shed a tear for the Lord Halfullion Gormlessar and his heroic journey into new realms of selfhood which liberated him from the hidebound limits of girlish romance? Does this lord of the rim and beyond not deserve mention on your list?

And what of Bilbo Baggins' doppleganger, Bilbo S. Thompson, the gonzo journalist who brought us the really read book of Westmarch?

Has Pettygast breathed his last petty breath?

Will there be no mention made of the heroic weapons of yore? Are we to let pass into posterity the mighty Wylkynsion? Are we to harden our, er, hearts to l'En'viey Piennhas?

How soon are the heroic forebearers truly forgotten by those who navel gaze into new peradventures of the misbegotten. I, for one, am truly appalled. Clearly, the old heroic mythologies are passing into post-modern modes of, of, discombobulation.

Bêthberry

[ July 07, 2003: Message edited by: Bêthberry ]

[Diamond18]

Oh. Well, I did change the name to Glossary of Goofisms (a play on euphemism, more or less) to indicate it as a Tolkien-reference-only guide. The Appendix label seemed a tad over-hyped when considering the basic nature of it. Though I suppose I could add a category of names without exact Tolkien matches, if that would be of any practical use in writing the sequel.

You have me on Bilbo S. Thompson and Pettygast: I suppose I overlooked the connection to Radagast, though it's rather obvious. I may have been sleep-reading through B.S.T, though you didn't hear that from me. For now I will add those two, at least.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Wow, Bêthberry, what you’re suggesting is no less than a Foster’s Complete Guide to REB!! That would be an ambitious project indeed! Should Robert Foster or any of his colleagues secretly frequent the Downs, looking for a new idea, please contact me. Volunteers may queue at the door.

As I see it, Diamond’s list (and let’s hear a big round of applause for the work she did for our benefit!) is simpler than that, a tool like a bilingual dictionary, to help the writers keep track of their creative outbursts. We do attempt to have a semblance of consistency in our madness, after all! The list should be limited to direct equivalents of ME names, places and objects. However, it is not the law of the Medes and Persians; I think we should allow for some flexibility, even outright changes if there is a good reason for them.

One change I’d like to suggest is the name of our parody M-E – I woke up with the words “Muddled-Mirth“ on my mind, and that seems so appropriate to what we’re doing here! Having read too many “Why didn’t the Valar help?” discussions has prompted me to think about a name change there as well – we could use “Valium” (alternate spelling: "Valleyum", those who live in the Far Valley behind the Far Mountains, perhaps) for them rather than for their home. Please drop me a line by PM or e-mail to let me know what you think, so that we don’t clutter the discussion thread unnecessarily. If you have suggestions for improved parody names, please let me know too.

I’m now working on the first post, so look for the story to begin this week.

[Thenamir]

Oh, wow, like, fer sure, the Valleyum. Like, you know, the ones who, like, created the world an' stuff, you know? I mean, like, they poke their heads in once in awhile, but, like, you know, they can't pay too much attention to what's goin' on over in Muddle-Mirth because, you know, the surf's up and there's, like, a *SALE* on at Macy's in the Galleria...

ROFL! I can just see the high-and-mighties as tanned, blonde California-valley-girl-surfer-dude types. Definitely needs a writer.

[Child of the 7th Age]

Has Pettygast breathed his last petty breath?

Hard to say. At this point the poor fellow is having trouble standing upright on two feet owing to his multiple commitments which he can't remember from one day to the next.

He will definitely not be a regular, but I will keep an eye on the thread and see if there's a spot where a cameo would be appropriate.

Esty, if you or anyone else feels that there's a spot where his [lack of] talent could be put to use, let me know.

Sharon

[Estelyn Telcontar]

'Tis done! In other words, the show is on the road; our tale begins. Next writer to post will be The Saucepan Man; he will establish the mytho-illogical background for his character and the story. After that, anyone is welcome to continue; please establish where your characters are now (most in the Wight City) and prepare them for the quest. We will be heading westwards; I will post the route soon for planning.

If you plan to create names for the Velour (yes, we will keep that name for the persons and use "Valleyum" for the land in which they live), please check them with me for consistency - I have plans...

Welcome to Muddled-Mirth!

Oh, and please do remember to disable your signature on the RPG thread!

[ July 09, 2003: Message edited by: Estelyn Telcontar ]

[Mithadan]

Why must members of my ennobled profession again be held up to scorn and ridicule? Loyers are not twisted greedheads whose sole purpose is to inflict pain, suffering and horror upon the people of Arda. Nay, many Loyers are people of conscience and morals, acting in the furtherance of justice and order pursuant to their oaths. Really. We are. Who's that laughing?

[The Saucepan Man]

Indeed we are, Mith. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

Well, since he's already made his appearance, I thought it worth posting here a potted history of Môgul, most of it shamelessly plundered from my first post:

Name: Môgul Bildûr ‘The Dread Developer’, the Velour formerly known as Melvin.

Residence: The Tower Block of Barát-Höm in Moredough, the Land of Shadowy Deals.

Age: Several thousand millennia.

Occupation: Dark Lord.

Specialist Subject: Developing the prime real estate of Muddled Mirth.

Appearance: Dark. Theories differ on whether, at the time of the Quest of the Fellow/Gal-ship, Môgul was able to assume physical shape. Some say that his capture following the War of Mild Irritation and subsequent banishment to the Void robbed him of his physical form and that he existed only as a dark cloud of pure unadulterated evil. Others speculate that he took the form of a terrible red flaring nostril, since it is said that the cruel Nose of Môgul wandered the realm of Muddled Mirth searching for the scent of the Ent that was Broken. And yet another school of thought holds that he appeared as a dark, shadowy figure clad in a shining suit of pin-striped armour.

History: The twin brother of the self-styled leader of the Velour, Manuël Sántana, it is said that Melvin Bluenote was originally the greatest of the Velour. After many millennia of bliss in the idyllic, if dull, realm of Valleyum, Melvin became discontented and, falling out with his brother, was forcibly ejected by the Velour from Valleyum to Dairyland in Muddled Mirth.

Seeking to convert the highly desirable real estate of Dairyland into highly lucrative luxury apartments, industrial estates, shopping malls and food halls, he was held back for many thousands of years by Elves and Men, who called him by the name of Môgul Bildûr ‘The Dread Developer’. But in negotiation he was second to none and, with the aid of his terrible servants the Korprat-Loyers, he gradually assumed title to almost the entirety of the freehold to Dairyland.

But the Velour, seeing the terrible destruction wrought by Môgul on Dairyland and harkening to the plea of Eärandnau the Marinade marched in anger against Môgul. And they defeated his forces in the War of Mild Irritation although, in the struggle, the lands of Dairyland were lost beneath the seas. Môgul was banished by the Velour to the Void, with Mantoes pronouncing his Doom thus:

Môgul, our brother, you have acted in folly
And now you won’t even say that you’re sorry.
So, at the risk of making you paranoid
We have no choice but to throw you in the void.

And it shall come to pass that an Ent shall be hewn
And its parts still living through Muddled Mirth strewn.
But when the Ent once more becomes whole.
You, my dear Môgul, can kiss goodbye to your soul.

After long years brooding in the inky blackness of the Void, news of the Ent that was Broken reached Môgul. And perceiving that its Reunification would spell his end, he broke free from the Void and once again walked the lands of Muddled Mirth. Fortunately for him Vinaigrettiel, the erstwhile evil twin sister of Saladriel and perpetrator of the Entish dissection, had stationed at the fortification of Gol Dulldor a lacklustre force of Orcs under the command of the inept Sourone. This served to distract the Fellow/Gal-Ship, buying Môgul sufficient time to raise the Tower Block of Barát-Höm in Moredough, the Land of Shadowy Deals. And there he once again took to plotting and scheming. For he knew that only by recovering the scattered pieces of the Ent that was Broken himself and destroying them in the fires of Odouruin would he free himself of his Doom allowing him to return to his diabolical plans for the redevelopment of Muddled Mirth.

[Diamond18]

I've updated the list to include the goofisms from Sauceman's wholloping whale of a post. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] I'll keep on updating it whenever new names are coined (and minted), and since I'm so preternaturally fast at it *snark* you can bet your Bluenotes and Bellbottoms that I'll have them included within the day. Or two. Or three or four.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Well, Saucepan Man, you do know how to make a grand entrance!! What an overwhelmingly awesome post! The wonderful parody names lengthened Diamond’s list considerably and prepared the way for the depths of the Legendarium that we intend to plum berry soon. Are the movie fans among our readers ready for this kind of heavy, serious literature? They may want to take notes! Maybe we will need quiz and quotes forums for REB trivia questions…

Both Saucepan’s and Barrow-Wight’s posts continue the tradition of quality poetry of which we are proud on the Gondor forum. Why, B-W’s poem is so lyrical that I spontaneously thought of a melody to which it could be sung!

I look forward to reading the next posts!

[Birdland]

I've updated the list to include the goofisms from Sauceman's wholloping whale of a post.

Names...all those names...(thud)

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Shiny new posts, and so many of them – how wonderful! Thanks to Mithadan and Thenamir for their new characters. It will be interesting to see how Grrralph and the Gateskeeper fit into the Fellow/Galship. Diamond, applause for the name of the newspaper – “Daily Floss” for Minus Teeth – brilliant! It’s nice to see Vogonwë and hear of Pimpiowyn again, and congratulations on their engagement! Will we be witnessing a wedding there soon? (Or are witnesses not canonical?) Squatter, a new sword, a new horse and a new leaf for Etceteron – wow! How will all this effect his ultimate manliness? Stay tuned…

Those characters who are joining the Fellowship should make their way to Sethamir’s Livery Stable, where the group will begin their journey westwards. The route we will be taking, roughly: Rohan, skirting the edge of Fangorn, then through the Gap (for those who haven’t had time to go shopping yet), up into Eriador, Bree, Barrow-Downs, Old Forest, Shire, Grey Havens, and on…

I have posted a save for Merisu's meeting with Etc. and sundry at the stables; however, should someone have a post that should precede it, I can delete the save, and post later.

[Kuruharan]

Estelyn-

I went ahead and posted since it does not really matter what order the posts go in since Kuruharan and Chrysophylax are not in Minus Teeth. You can either delete or fill in your save, which ever suits your fancy.

[Diamond18]

Woo hoo! Kuruharan coming through on the action! What a sickening (yet satisfying) post. [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

Um, er, well! Nice song, Squatter. Shame he was cut off...

It’s nice to see Vogonwë and hear of Pimpiowyn again, and congratulations on their engagement! Will we be witnessing a wedding there soon? (Or are witnesses not canonical?)

Well, Esty, your classic fairy tale always ends with a wedding, or a double weddding, or a triple wedding, or a double quarter pounder with fries and a triple thick shake. Please pull around.

As to witnesses, I haven't really given it much thought, yet. But, I'm supposing that invitations will be writ, printed and sent out to whomever is still alive at the end, and some kind of official officiary will be drug up from the depths of non-canonicity to preside over the non-canonical vows. (I swear by the ever-loving guitar strap of Manuël Sántana, that I, ____ take thee ____ as my laughably wedded ____, until death, natural or otherwise, do us part...)

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Welcome back, Kuruharan, and what a great post! Looks like life has been considerably more exciting for the Dwarf and Dragon (sounds like an English pub, doesn't it?) than for the rest of the Itship. We mourn the death of Ralph, the chia pet, with you. *Estelyn bows her head respectfully, joining all readers in a moment of profound silence.*

Thenamir, what a lovely, awe-inspiring description of the Wight City's gates! I guess only a Gateskeeper would notice all of those details.

I have filled in my save with Falafel's secret diary - or must we call it a "blog"??

[Diamond18]

or must we call it a "blog"??

Where I come from a blog is something you experience when you have a cold.

[Mithadan]

...and it is said in that ancient tome of lore known as the Slumgullion, "the most vile and feared of the Dark Lord's servants were those bound by his strongest spells requiring them ever to sing show tunes..."

[ July 16, 2003: Message edited by: Mithadan ]

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Mith, thanks for another great post from you! Grrralph is a many-splendoured character, to get into the show-tune spirit. What lovely singing… and dancing too, of course! Who will play that role for the movie version? Has to be a talented guy.

I know it’s vacation time, and a couple of you are away with little or no internet access. Nonetheless, I hope we can keep the story going. Besides myself, Thena and Mith have each posted twice. Who’ll be next? I’ll post early next week, with Merisu taking tearful leave of Tofu. Please get your character(s) to the stable sometime soon so that we can leave the city. See you there!

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I'm away from this evening until late on Sunday. I've been leaving off posting again until we've all posted once or everyone's ready to move off, but I can put something up after the weekend if it will help.

Somehow I find an all-singing, all-dancing servant of evil more threatening. It's like watching Julie Andrews gone bad. You truly are a sick man, Mith. Congratulations.

[Kuruharan]

Alas, I can't post yet. More members of the Gallowship must gather because...

1) Kuruharan and Chrysophylax have magnificent entrance standards to maintain

and

2) The Gallowship may be obliged to make a quick and undignified exit... [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

[ July 18, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

[Mithadan]

When evaluating a compliment, one must properly take into consideration its source.

You truly are a sick man, Mith. Congratulations.

High praise indeed, coming from Squatter! [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]

I am on vacation next week and will have no computer access. If anyone feels an overwhelming need to involve their character with Grrralph (in a non-amorous fashion) feel free to do so.

I look forward to reading everyone's posts when I return.

[ July 18, 2003: Message edited by: Mithadan ]

[Lush]

I am getting over the SHOCK. Mithadan, how could you? The last shreds of my innocence have been pulverized.

[img]smilies/wink.gif[/img]