The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Lalwendë

Anyway, what you are looking for is an Intern. A Deputy Editor. A Downer's Apprentice.

I might be able to come up with some amusing snippets for you if you promise not to go anywhere near the cheese at suppertime.

*Says farewell to cheese*

This idea for a Phantom and Alien collection has consumed my mind and I think it will work! I'm going to make a collection of episodes 001-036 (random numbers are cool!) Not only that, but they'll all be digitally remastered with the new P&A models. There will be extras like the original sketches, an interview with The Phantom*, out-takes and cut out models of the characters...

We shall see... I have to laugh sometimes when I realise how much work I put into something I am doing for free.

*I may just make this up unless Mr Phantom himself wants to do it.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Another Week to seek the meek...



See, SPM, I told you you'd get some slander!

This week, Alien becomes a chef...

[The Elf-warrior]

By Michael Delving

The Phantom was arrested for the murder of astrobiologist Leonard Crusher on Sunday. He repeatedly shouted, "I've been framed by the Master!" According to a draft of a press release leaked by a source close to the police department, The Phantom was angry over Dr. Crusher's insistence that there is no such thing as extraterrestrial life. According to the draft report, The Phantom angrily insisted that he was regularly visited by a destructive alien who has repeatedly destroyed his flower bed. Allegedly, Dr. Crusher replied, "Yeah, and I suppose you're also Death's buddy," and was shot repeatedly with an automatic revolver by an enraged Phantom. PC davem and DCI Lalwendë have refused to give any direct comment on the matter. The Saucepan Man, The Phantom's lawyer has also refused comment. "Until I investigate this matter further, I'm not saying anything. It would be too unbelievable. Until such a time, don't believe everything that's leaked to you. Again and again, my client's chances have been prejudiced by innuendo, half-truths, and outright fabrications by court and police officials." Beverly Crusher, the slain man's sister, commented that she found the whole matter "heartbreaking and inexplicable". davem has vigorously denied that either the courts or the police are in the habit of deliberately leaking evidence. "That's absurd," he said. "I am sad to see that The Saucepan Man has stooped to such paronoia. Almost everyone we arrest is guilty, so naturally anything that gets leaked by rogue members of the police and judicial system reflects negatively on his clients."

[The Might]

LOL I liked the title about "Argonath playing to a live audience", and not a dead one
Also, nice one with Phantom and Alien...I wonder if Alien had planned it or if it was a mistake
Oh, and nice picture with the cat Durelin, maybe it's Serious himself

[THE Ka]

See, SPM, I told you you'd get some slander!

... That is the last time I design mon maison out of non-toxic materials.

~ Architectually Ambitious Ka

[The Elf-warrior]

By Michael Delving

I was working on the Phantom murder story when I got a telephone call from Mister Underhill. He said, "Mr. Delving, I'd like you to interview me." I answered, "Is right now OK?" He said, "Sure," and I turned on my tape recorder and started with my first question.

Q: "Are you out to get people?"

A: "If you call being concerned about the quality of the people who live here and the quality of our conversations being out to get people, then yes, I am. But I am not arbitrary. I follow the rules handed down by His Wightness, The Barrow-Wight.

Q: "Why did davem leave and then come back?"

A: "I don't know. He did say something about going undercover on some incredibly secret and important matter, but I think Lalwende drove him away to get some cleaning done."

Q: "What goes on in the secret forum?"

A: "I don't know what you're..."

Q: "I demand to know what goes on in the secret forum! As a journalist it's my job to expose what is secret."

A: "We have a lot of discussions."

Q: "About what?"

A: "Cheese."

Q: "Explain yourself."

A: "Well, we discuss the merits of various types of cheese. For example, the The Barrow-Wight likes green cheese even though he was initially very disappointed that it wasn't actually green. Alatar likes cheddar and colby jack."

Q: "What else do you discuss?"

A: "Stupid people. We have an absolute ball! Just yesterday I told me fellow mods about the jerk who cut me off on my way to Legolas's barrow. He was driving his ox cart like a chariot. I yelled at him, "Sir, are you trying to kill your ox?"
He went absolutely ballistic. He cursed me by Sauron, Morgoth, and Zeus's brow. He said I was a dirty rotten hypocrite for using sarcasm. I'm a mod! I have every right to chide him for his bad behavior."

Q: "Is there anyone who's in danger of being banished?"

A: "I'm sad to say The Phantom. We can't tolerate wights murdering each other, but I'm not convinced he did it. I think something more sinister than The Phantom's ego is behind this. I've been told through the grapevine..."

Q: "Mr. Saucepan you mean?"

A: "Yes, but also Sharku. He smells a massive coverup. He thinks that some highly respectable Downers are guilty."

Q: "Name names!"

A: "Meneltarmacil, for one. I can't say any more. It would compromise the investigation. All I can say is that this is incredibly big and incredibly dangerous. I have business to attend to. Bye!"

And with that he hung up the phone. Coward! I wanted his take on the mysterious penguin murder affair some months back.

[alatar]

Actually, it's that cheese with the pepperoni already mixed in (What's not to like? ), but the others were just a ruse to put off Underhill.

[Morai]

A: "Well, we discuss the merits of various types of cheese. For example, the The Barrow-Wight likes green cheese even though he was initially very disappointed that it wasn't actually green. Alatar likes cheddar and colby jack."

Man....I wish I had access to that forum. *Attempts to hack in*

[Hookbill the Goomba]

This week, some controversial goings on...

Also, the second story is by every one's favorite monkey, Mormegill!



And Now, The Phantom takes a little holiday...

[mormegil]

Also, the second story is by every one's favorite monkey, Mormegill!

Thanks for adding it Hookbill. Maybe I'll do a bit of guest writing in the future if you would like.

[The Might]

Nice story with the iPod accesories thread...though I have to agree that it really did have potential
Maybe a kind of quiz show like those where you have to guess the price for different objects.
Maybe all could guess how much a phone costs and then the one closest could win...anyway, just an idea

And nice cartoon update, though I start pitying Phantom, and I keep wondering why nothing ever happens to Alien

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by The Might

And nice cartoon update, though I start pitying Phantom, and I keep wondering why nothing ever happens to Alien

Remember, in episode 11, Alien got shot in the head and he grew it back. For all we know, he too got mauled by the Lion.

And yes, Morm, please do write more! Your payment is in the post. Unfortunately, I don't know your address, so it'll probably stay there for a while.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Despite all the pain... here we go again...



In this week's Phantom and Alien, Davem has a close encounter of the annoying kind.

[The 1,000 Reader]

I've never read these before, but let me say that I think it's cool that you used the title of my latest thread for the paper, and the article (mainly the picture) about the monkey shooting Sauron and making him explode was hilarious.

[The Might]

I liked the Dan Brown/Wight idea, funny story
Maybe an "Angels and Wights" sequel might follow soon

[Lalwendë]

A candidate for Best Issue, Ever?

That's made me laugh a bit too much today.

Liking how Davem speaks in proper 'Yorkshire' saying 'thou' (this peculiar language also includes the words 'thee' 'thy' and 'thar', mua-ha-ha), even though he has glass in his eyes.

Liking that mad Anguirel picture. Hey, if I'm a DCI, can my car be like that really cool 70's Cortina as seen in Life On Mars? Please?

Liking the Da-Vem code! (wish I could crack that one - meh).

And Liking beyond all reasonable belief that a Tardis has materialised in my garden! I know I have a play one in my dining room, but a real one? In my own garden? That would be so awesome it would be beyond belief!

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Wouldn't (moderated) Yorkshire dialect be 'I want a word wi' thee'?

I can deny it no longer! The control exerted by the outsized headgear of the Downs is indeed malign and diabolic! Behold how I am unable to keep my upper lip decently shaven, how my complexion has faded to the wraith-like grey of an Edwardian photograph, and how I can no longer take account of ninety years' development in men's fashion! Curse you, Hat-wights, for making me this way!

You can never get rid of them, you know. They get under your skin in a way, so that to cast them aside seems a great task. Eventually you come to love them, and to share them seems a kindness. Soon you too will join us.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Lalwendë

Liking the Da-Vem code! (wish I could crack that one - meh).

Why? You fond of wearing Big Hats?

For your consideration...

The Downer Newspaper will be presenting some of the most insane things ever to grace a computer screen on May the first. To Celebrate the birth of The Barrow Downs. These will include:

- A special video about the Phantom and Alien
- Some shocking headlines
- A lemon
- And the first annual Orc beauty contest.

If you want to add your own events for the big day, PM me and we'll discuss it.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

I'd just like to categorically state that Alien isn't necessarily an alien. That's his name, 'Alien'. What is he? Pfft. Who cares?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Now the moment no one's been waiting for...

This week I had a bit of trouble with the quality for some reason... sorry.



This week, The Phantom spells it out...

[the phantom]

I've been trying and trying to figure out a way to kill Alien. There's got to be a way!!

[Morai]

I've been trying and trying to figure out a way to kill Alien. There's got to be a way!!

Ever try bug spray? I've heard it's excelllent at getting rid of pests.

[The Might]

As Hookbill already said earlier in the thread, in episode 11, Alien got shot in the head and he grew it back.
Bug spray wouldn't be too effective I guess.

[the guy who be short]

Could Alien be boiled in a stew, I wonder?

[Glirdan]

Maybe we could roast him like pig.....

Or blow him up.....

Yes....explosions....FIRE!! Uh...I mean....*runs away*

[the phantom]

I finally thought of how to kill Alien. I can't believe I never came up with this before.

The fires of Mount Doom!!

But I'm not ready to do it yet. I think the guy deserves some time to adjust to our way of life. But if he takes too terribly long improving, or if he does something unforgivable, he will be making a trip to Mordor with me.

[Meneltarmacil]

As far as the Jelly Incident is concerned, rumors of Nilpaurion Felagund being controlled by my Mind Programming Device are completely untrue. Seriously. *hides the remote*

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Ah! The shame! The Shame of it all!


Here's the News...



And now, Alien goes electronic! This can only end badly.




Don't forget: The Barrow Downs Birthday is coming up! Including yet another 3-part Phantom and Alien (like at Christmas) as well as... well... you'll have to wait and see.

[Lalwendë]

I'm liking IKEA cat.

Not least because he looks like my boy Angus, but because the idea of it makes me laugh. Do you have to queue up for hours to buy him? Wander round endless shelves with a scrap of paper with an esoteric code scrawled on it, looking for the Lost Shelf Of Doom (AKA F45)?

What's his name? Flokkeblot? Grott? Dinkelburm?

Does he come with an Allen key?

[The Might]

Nice...finally Alien gets punished for all his actions...and takes Phantom down with him
Nice idea with the IKEA cat, I wonder if you get some instructions for it too...
Or a tail sold separately offer?

[Morai]

I loved the scenery on the last panel of the Phantom a nd the Alien.

[narfforc]

Looking at that picture of Gandalf I wondered, when Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves stayed at Beorn the Bare's Swedish Nudist Colony, was he forced to uncloak or did he do it willingly.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Morai

I loved the scenery on the last panel of the Phantom a nd the Alien.

*Ahem* It's just 'Alien' there is no 'The'.
Sorry, I'm very picky about that.
Yes, I'm quite happy with the scenery there. The general rule from now on is that when they are inside The Phantom's house it's a white background, elsewhere it is some kind of scenery... Unless I forget.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I feel compelled to point out that "Gin? No! I'll have a glass of salt instead" and "Crocodile says..." are the funniest statements I've seen all month: a whole newspaper consisting only of such headlines would still be highly readable. Personally, I claim to have controvertible and contestable evidence that crocodiles are all Faroese; but I'll only reveal it to people with at least twelve 'x's in their names.

I bought one of those IKEA cats. Well, perhaps 'stole out of a skip' is a more accurate description. Every time I try to program my video recorder, the cat's head rotates one-hundred and eighty degrees and its eyes pop out, breaking windows, furniture and my priceless collection of trepanning memorabilia. Also, its legs have been known to fall off at inconvenient moments. The 'electrocute small child' function, which comes as standard in ineptly assembled models, is most amusing.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

I don't remember The Downer ever having this headline:

"Ruling ring rocks rural residents"

Surely that must be a mistake. . .

[Hookbill the Goomba]

I was thinking the same thing, Rune. Maybe I'll use it when I finally run out of ideas.

Also, The Downer is now opening a competition:

Are you a budding song writer? Fed up with the lack of National Anthem on the Downs? Well, today is your day! If you have an idea for some lyrics for a Barrow Downs National Anthem, PM them to me and I'll look over them. Me and a cracked team of individuals will look over them and announce the winner on April 20th. Then, on May 1st, that National Anthem will have a musical tune to go with it and The Downer will be opening the doors to anyone who want to try and sing along with it!

Good luck and good gravy!

[Boromir88]

I'm kind of sad Gandalf's uncloaking gag has to come to a close...I mean occasionally that got me some negative reps but I will still miss that annoying running gag. I guess all good things must come to an end eventually.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Boromir88

I'm kind of sad Gandalf's uncloaking gag has to come to a close...I mean occasionally that got me some negative reps but I will still miss that annoying running gag. I guess all good things must come to an end eventually.

Did you notice the subtle link to it being the 40th issue this week? 40 years of uncloaking? I thought it was good.

[The Sixth Wizard]

About time! I'm sick of that running ga - oh Iluvatar here he comes!

Gandalf: Just one more time!

Sixth Wizard: Noooo! Gandalf! GAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Barrow Downs' Birthday is coming up and I'm starting a new competition. If anyone can make a claim for one of their posts being the best post on the downs, then they will get a story about them in the Birthday special or an appearance in The Phantom and Alien (depending on if I can draw you or not ).
What you must do is this:

Find a post of yours that you think is the best. It can be anything; A long Book discourse, a Crazy caption, a Newspaper article ( ) or anything from the Downs.
Explain what you think the merits are in that particular post.
Try and convince me that your post is the best post.

You have until April 25th to do this.

Who will be able to say...

[Bêthberry]

Is this what Serious Cat is doing on his holiday?

Bus cat's holiday


PS. Cute contest, Hookbill. Can we nominate other people's posts or only one of our own?