Survivor: The Second Age

[Tuor of Gondolin]

- - Celeborn + + Ohtar
Because, since it seems to be either Isildur
or Ohtar, consider Capt. Jack Aubrey's advice to
his officers when he was chasing that Frenchie
warship around South America

When in doubt, always choose the lesser of
two weevils.

[Anguirel]

Actually, it was an American ship...they didn't tell Hollywood that though...

--SAURON, ++ISILDUR

I don't have much to say against the poor chap, except that he is an elder son. And we all know that the youngest son is always superior.

Okay, it's transparent that I'm doing this with an Ulterior Motive in mind.

Now, what you've all been waiting for...


(We see Eregion. It is evening. Everywhere there is the sound of clinking of tiny hammers and cunning tools. As Agent Anguirel comes into view, walking down a busy highway, we see piles of rings everywhere, bejewelled and pretty.)

ANGUIREL: Apparently, the Elves are forging many rings.

CELEBRIMBOR: (appearing from side-street) That's right, sir! Would you like to view our fine half-price selection?

ANGUIREL: Well...

CELEBRIMBOR: Investing in ring bonds is very wise in the current business climate, sir. Annatar Consultants Limited recently published a report that defied all the expectations of our outdated political establishment! To that end we're striving to evict Celeborn from his stupid foresty palace.

ANGUIREL: Right. Well...ah...this Annatar chappy...Gil-Galad seemed to think he might be Sauron...?

CELEBRIMBOR: What an absurd idea! Frankly, sir, when you met the High King, did he seem very credible to you?

ANGUIREL: Well, no.

CELEBRIMBOR: Was he, in fact, sober?

ANGUIREL: Well, no.

CELEBRIMBOR: Look, I'll introduce you to Annatar. Charming chap...

(Cut to Annatar Consultants Limited Head Office.)

ANGUIREL: So, Mr. Annatar, you've explained your gift-giving strategies to shareholders but can you refute accusations of Orc sweatshop labour?

SAURON: Those allegations are nonsense! Surely my alliance with Gwaith-I-Mirdain Orc-Slayers PLC should disprove that rubbish.

ANGUIREL: Well, maybe. And did a Miss Amanda Bobblehead pass through this way?

SAURON: Yes, of course! I mean...wait...no. Miss Bobblehead never came near Eregion and has definitely not been kidnapped by the secret army of Orcs I don't have and taken to Mordor, which I don't own.

ANGUIREL: Right. Thanks for your help.

(Next episode: Anguirel heads to Mordor by the first Assignment Express.)

[dancing spawn of ungoliant]

Ohtar? Seriously, give the poor guy a break. He's the only one from the Tribe of Elendili who successfully did what he was supposed to do: rescue the shards of Narsil. What did Isildur do? Yeah, left his three sons to die, run off with the Ring and dropped it into Anduin. Well, that's great.

Originally Posted by Glirdan

Besides, Ohtar is useless. I mean, who wants to carry a broken sword??

Aragorn seemed to be quite happy carrying the shards around. He'd be appalled to see how you vote!

++ISILDUR


So much for the tie, Master Dwarf.

[Thinlómien]

++Isildur
I've never liked him.

[Formendacil]

The Seventh day of voting, despite an originally wide range of candidates, ended up coming down to a contest between two candidates: the Isildur the High King, and his loyal squire, Ohtar (or, should I say, his loyal Ohtar?). Only the kinsmen of the Moderator (if Lhuna is my sister, and Nilp is her brother, and Eomer is brother or cousin, then they're all my kinsmen, right?) remained aloof from the Isildur/Ohtar debate. The final distribution of votes is as follows:

Celeborn: I

Erendis: II

Ohtar: IIIII II

Isildur: IIIII IIII

Despite heavy defence from the Cavaliers, Isildur could not muster enough support to defeat Ohtar, and so went the way of Charles I, and was removed from the Survivor Game.

Those remaining:

Tribe of the Noldor:
Ereinion Gil-galad,
Elrond Peredhil
Galadriel
Celebrimbor

Tribe of the Sindar:
Celeborn
Círdan
Orophir
Celebrían

Tribe of the Númenoreans:
Elros Tar-Minyatur
Erendis
Tar-Míriel

Tribe of the Elendili:
Amandil
Elendil
Anárion
Ohtar

Tribe of the Other Speakers:
Narvi
Fangorn (Treebeard)
Fimbrethil

Tribe of the Baddies:
Sauron
The Witch-king
Khamûl

Day 8 is ready to go. The voting may now begin.

[Tuor of Gondolin]

+ + Amandil
He's gotten a good press, but consider, he was
Ar-Pharazon's buddy until the king decided he
liked Sauron better. Then Amandil sulked (because
he was no longer the numero uno counsellor? Hmm?)

In his youth Amandil was a great friend of Ar-Pharazon, the last king of Nùmenor. Amandil was also famed across Nùmenor for being a great sea-captain in the days of Nùmendil. However when Ar-Pharazon brought the conquered Sauron from Middle-earth, his friendship with Amandil withered.

.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amandil

[Kuruharan]

Announcer: And we’re back. This portion of the program is brought to you by the number twelve. Remember, anytime you need a number following eleven or preceding thirteen, think of twelve. Bob, what do you make of the action?

Color Commentator: Well Cliff, the results of yesterday’s voting have reduced Kuruharan to a state of hysteria. Let’s go to the field.

Announcer: We can’t! We’ve lost our sideline reporter!

Color Commentator: We still have a cameraman and a microphone. Let’s listen.

Kuruharan: My tie, my beautiful TIE!! It was RUINED!! It was such an exquisite compromise, so wonderfully crafted, so elegantly conceived, so, so…perfect. It would have left everybody equally angry and bitter. weeps. All spoiled by that interloper, that, that shameless…well, ooookay. It is kind of hard to stay mad at spawn. But I’ll have you know I was this >< close to being really angry.

Announcer: Well, I’m glad we got that out of our system! But ranting and raving won’t cure the hole that has been torn in my poor little heart! Waaaahhhhh

Color Commentator: Oh, will you stop?! Here have a drink of vodka!

Officer Walley: Stop right there! Contraband! You’re under arrest!

Color Commentator: You’ll never take me alive copper!!!

jumps out of booth window

Announcer and Officer Wally: Gosh I hope not!

Meanwhile,

Alas, Secret Agent Double Oh-Point Five was so close, but so far. As he was being whisked off to Mordor in an attempt to do away with him, the object of his affectio…quest was mere miles away.

Scene: Inside the Khazad-dum Sigin-tarag Flagship Resort et Casino.

Sideline Reporter: What do you mean we can’t stay to see the Tu Duo concert!!! That was why we came here!!! DON’T YOU LOVE ME?!!

gets the whole big eyes and trembling lips thing going

Tar-Aldarion: (Ugh! That reminds me of somebody!!) Of course, I love you darling. It’s just…we have to get out of here!

Sideline Reporter: Why, boopsie?

Tar-Aldarion: I…seem to have…gambled away most of the revenues of Numenor.

Sideline Reporter: So? I have money.

Tar-Aldarion: Oh, I didn’t gamble away most of that.

Sideline Reporter: See.

Tar-Aldarion: I gambled away every little bit of that.

Sideline Reporter: WHAT?!!!!!!!

Tar-Aldarion: Now, don’t get like that. I know how much you love me…

Sideline Reporter: DON’T YOU DARE TRY THAT ON ME!!!

Tar-Aldarion: We have to get out of here. King Durin has threatened to hand us over to Nari the Mad and Fali the Brokenbeard. I have a nasty feeling we don’t want to meet Nari the Mad and Fali the Brokenbeard.

Sideline Reporter: They’d probably treat me better!

Tar-Aldarion: Where are you going?

Sideline Reporter: To find myself a real man!!

Sideline Reporter exits casino, after telling the bouncers where to find Tar-Aldarion

Sideline Reporter: (talking on cell phone) Daddy, get the bedroom ready and tell Mom to brace herself, your darling little girl who you love very much is coming for a visit!

[Elu Ancalime]

Kuru was wrong!? Rofl, if I may.

++Gil-Galad
With the defeat of their leader, the Tribe of the Noldor will fall into ruin. (yay)
________
Mercedes-Benz M130 Engine

[Anguirel]

My line of attack is growing tedious.

++KHAMUL

How can we take seriously a supervillain apparently named after a humped, desert-dwelling herbivore?

In other news, Anguirel and his stalwart television crew find Murder on the Mordorient Express... coming soon

[Gil-Galad]

to save myself, i must



++KHAMUL

[Lhunardawen]

Originally Posted by Gil-Galad

to save myself, i must



++KHAMUL

++KHAMUL

Not really to save you, Gil, but to save my dear Ereinion.

Originally Posted by Moderadacil

(if Lhuna is my sister, and Nilp is her brother, and Eomer is brother or cousin, then they're all my kinsmen, right?)

I'm sure it's supposed to be more complicated than that, but that must be the Lhunatic side of me speaking.

[mormegil]

++Elendil

He didn't cut the ring off Sauron's finger. He didn't take the white tree. He really was somewhat worthless and his sons were prats.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

++Erendis

Kill! Kill! Kill!

[Anguirel]

Now; be honest; do you even remember whether a Khamul has one hump or two humps?

Ingenious methods of food storage do not qualify one for being a stylish evil minion.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Erendis the Enormous Ego is the bigger threat to existence.

Besides, Lady Spawnowen wants Khamûl to stay, and that's that for me.

Oh, Formodacil, would you count votes for Khamûl when written as Khamul?

(Must . . . find . . . loophole . . . )

[Anguirel]

Originally Posted by Nilpaurion Felagund

Erendis the Enormous Ego is the bigger threat to existence.

Quite. What sort of a threat is a mere Khamul?

Obviously to maintain a cogent and interesting Evil presence in the game we should evict Khamul and keep Erendis...

[Lhunardawen]

I'll willingly detract my vote for Khamûl if you help me get rid of Celeborn, Nilp.

Come on...you've done this before!

[Firefoot]

I don't particularly want Khamul or Erendis to go.

++Gil-Galad

Time for some more of those Noldor to go. Gil-Galad's not that interesting of a character anyway.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

We're not talking about interesting evil figures here (like Annatar, for example. Tacky, but interestingly so.) We're talking about the existence of everything whimsical. I don't know about you, but I still want the right to laugh.

[Lalaith]

I'm laughing, Nilph. Just look at my name...

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

If you let Erendis win your name will be changed to Urwen.

[Lalaith]

Where does this "Erendis will win" hysteria come from? I can't think of anyone here who is backing her...

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

I'm fueling paranoia here, or trying to . . .

Ah, well. Back to Baltic St.

EDIT: Didn't notice my fiendish sister's offer there . . .

--Erendis

++Celeborn

Do I have your word, then?

[Tuor of Gondolin]

I suppose Amandil can wait:



- - Amandil

+ + Celeborn

[Anguirel]

All defenders of Celeborn, you know to vote for the psychopathic cactus-eater Khamul...

[Lalaith]

*shakes head sorrowfully*
For I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep...

++GIL-GALAD

[Anguirel]

the phantom!

Celuien!

the guy who be short!

Boromir!

Yea even unto the spirit of departed Mithalwen!

'Gainst Khamul we shall ride.

Do you remember the old struggles? The Long Defeat against the Elf-haters?

Then join me, whether this be Nirnaeth or Aglareb, all ye who ever admired the last whose realm was fair and free and/or that tall fellow next to Galadriel.

We have common interests at heart that we cannot let flounder.

And only the Ringwraith Camel who can't handle a drop of water in his egregiously greasy wraith hair stands in our way...

[The Saucepan Man]

Originally Posted by Anguirel

All defenders of Celeborn, you know to vote for the psychopathic cactus-eater Khamul...

Or, alternatively, for that non-descript non-entity, Gil-Galad (the Elven King that is, not the Downer ).

++ GIL-GALAD

I mean, Sauron just wanted to give him a nice warm hug, and he had to go and burst into flames. So much for Elvien resilience.

Incidentally, Ang, you display a lamentable grasp of Easterling pronunciation.

Khamûl, is of course pronounced Khar-mool, with a guttural "Kha".

Which of course means, in Westron, splay-hooved beast of burden with handy water-retaining features.

[Kuruharan]

Oaths I have taken!

I must fulfill them, etc., etc.

++ Gil-Galad

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Lhuna will hate this.

[the phantom]

Hmm...

I have about the same desire to keep Khamul as I have to keep Gil, so neither represents a victory or defeat.

So who should I vote for?

Well, it seems there are several people who hate elves in general, and particularly want the Noldor to be defeated. This confuses me, because there is not a reason to be against the Noldor and the elves more than any other group.

So, simply to resist this foolishness, I will cast my vote for
+ + Khamul

[lord of dor-lomin]

I was waiting for you to post, phantom, because I thought that you'd at least try to come up with something different- but you didn't, so now it's up to me.

Vote for Orophir!! He's still hanging about in the Sindarin camp. He has to be the most insignificant King in the game. If you Gil-galad voters pick him, you will still get to kill an elven King, and you Khamul voters- most of you are voting for Khamul simply to save Gil-galad, so why should you care?

Vote for
+ + Orophir

Wouldn't it be nice to have everyone get on the same page for one day?

[the phantom]

Um, lord, I doubt most of these people are bright enough to know a good compromise when they see one.

These are the same fools that chose to cast out the great Isildur before his little Ohtar, the same pack of idiots who voted off the most powerful tyrant of the age, Ar Pharazon, before the completely useless Durin III.

I think that the ability to think, reason, and come to logical conclusions is beyond at least half of the participants on this thread.

EDIT: Plus, I doubt there is time to get enough people to change their votes anyway. It's late in the day. You should just vote for Khamul and take the double lynch. The way I see it, a double lynching gets this game over with quicker.

[lord of dor-lomin]

I doubt most of these people are bright enough to know a good compromise when they see one.

No, I think that they are bright enough, they are just choosing to vote stupidly. I'm just trying to convince them to vote smart like they could.

I doubt there is time to get enough people to change their votes anyway.

Ooh, I didn't even think about that.

Okay, okay- I'll do the double lynch like you say.
- - Orophir
+ + Khamul

[Diamond18]

If I may jump in, I'm going to say...

++Gild-Galad

Because his name alliterates and so really, can you take him seriously?

[the phantom]

Because his name alliterates

Same goes for Daffy Duck, but you have no problem displaying him in your avatar.

PS Hi, haven't seen you in forever, Diamond.

[Diamond18]

Originally Posted by the phantom

Same goes for Daffy Duck, but you have no problem displaying him in your avatar.

Well, I try not to take him too seriously, either.

PS Hi, haven't seen you in forever, Diamond.

Oh, I've been around. Scarce, to be true, but here and there, laughing in dark corners and all that. I've seen you.

[Anguirel]

(A crowded train carriage. It is filled with Parents, Celebrities, Teachers, Maths Problems, Llamas, and Jack Russell Terriers. It is, to wit, an Assignment to Mordor.)

(We see Anguirel, armoured as usual, in the midst of the press. Closer up.)

ANGUIREL: For the Mordorient Express, this train is running suspiciously efficiently. No delays, no stops, no breakdowns...yet...

(Close up on the llamas. There's something slightly odd about them.)

(The Jack Russell Terriers chase the Teachers and Parents out of the carriage. Ominous music is heard. In fact, it's Britney Spears.)

CELEBRITIES: Ewww!

(They depart en masse. Their envy is positively rhythmical.)

(There really is something odd about those llamas.)

ANGUIREL: My, my...this carriage is certainly emptying quickly! You'd almost think they were about to cut the coupling to it and murder me, ha ha ha...

(The Maths problems sweep out. There is a crack and the carriage skids out...)

ANGUIREL: ...oh, right, they are.

(Pan-out. The carriage is falling off a vast suspension bridge over the Mountains of Mordor.)

(The llamas are falling about. They look really unworried. What is it that's peculiar about them? There are nine of them...)

ANGUIREL: Only one thing for it. Time for a stunt.

(He dives out of the window, twirls in a figure of eight, and lands unscathed on a convenient ridge. To his surprise, he sees that the llamas have done the same. Their convenient ridges are conveniently within convenient reach of his convenient ridge...even if you have splayed feet.)

ANGUIREL: Wait! You're not all llamas! One of you is a camel!

(Anguirel, the Secret Agent, draws Anguirel, the sword.)

LLAMAS AND CAMEL: Any last requests...mortal?

ANGUIREL: (Suavely, in one-liner mode) Yeah. Jump on this sword.

(An epic fight ensues. One by one, seven Llamas are sliced apart or knocked to their doom, emitting high-pitched screeches. Another Llama, wearing a spiky crown, kicks Anguirel hard.)

WITCH LLAMA: I bear a charmed life...

(Anguirel hacks it in half too, though it squeals "I'll be back." He swivels and points Anguirel at the Camel's throat.)

ANGUIREL: Who do you work for?

CAMEL: Haven't you guessed?

ANGUIREL: The Alliance of Ultra-Doom? The League of Extraordinary Barrow-Downers? Ohhhh...Sauron! Annatar! The Lord of the Gift Vouchers! Of course! Where is Amanda now, you fiend?

CAMEL: (cackling menacingly) At her parents' house.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Such jealousy is being demonstrated here. Why are so many great characters being voted for and killed off (effectively)?

++ERENDIS

If you're going to bandwagon, then go after someone worth killing. If you go to a restaurant with two friends and one of them orders lasagne and the other orders chicken, and you don't like lasagne that much but you really hate chicken so you panic and gasp to the waiter "I'll have lasagne!" even though you really want pizza...

...then you're an oddity.

I know this doesn't apply to all of you but it's an attitude which is too often found here!

[Formendacil]

The Eighth day of voting, like the Seventh before it, came down to a contest between two candidates: Gil-galad the High King, and the Black Easterling, Khamûl. But once again, the regicidal tendencies of the populace showed through, and despite numerous misspellings of both candidates' names (sorry, Nilp), the voting was as follows:

Elendil: I
Erendis: I

Celeborn: II

Khamûl: IIIII

Gil-galad: IIIII I

To the woe of Lhunardawen, Ereinion Gil-galad was voted off the game, his chances of winning erased.

Those remaining:

Tribe of the Noldor:
Elrond Peredhil
Galadriel
Celebrimbor

Tribe of the Sindar:
Celeborn
Círdan
Orophir
Celebrían

Tribe of the Númenoreans:
Elros Tar-Minyatur
Erendis
Tar-Míriel

Tribe of the Elendili:
Amandil
Elendil
Anárion
Ohtar

Tribe of the Other Speakers:
Narvi
Fangorn (Treebeard)
Fimbrethil

Tribe of the Baddies:
Sauron
The Witch-king
Khamûl

Day 9 is ready to go. The voting can start immediately. The tribes of the Sindar and the Elendili lead the race in remaining candidates.