ME jokes and funny stories

[The Might]

Another funny one I just found with StumbleUpon, and it happens to again be Gandalf and the balrog... seems this is all that most people remember.

[Urwen]

See this:

Somwhere in Beleriand, two people are talking.

"You know poor Gorlim?", asked one.
"Indeed.", answered his companion.
"Well,he covered Sauron with blood.Blood that came out of him when Sauron killed him."
"And?"
"And every woman from Middle earth, including Sauron's wife and Eilinel,squaled with laughter!"

[Urwen]

A small puppy was seen. People shrieked asking each other who its owner was. Finally,after six years of searchig,the owner was found. It was Celegorm....

[narfforc]

What sort of bread do hobbits like.............................................. ...........shortbread

[narfforc]

What would you call a noldo in Texas....................................Gnome on the Range.

Great shortest jokes.

[Galadriel55]

I heard this from a friend of mine, and this is not really a joke, but it's still funny.

Soe of the many people who are nuts about Tolkien formed some kind of club. They met every once in a while and replayed battles and counsils and the like. Each person had his own role from LotR. One of the meetings was held on and island that was patrolled by mounted police.
The meeting was almost over, when it started raining. The policeman happened to have a cloak with a hood, so he put it on. All of a sudden, he rode into a bunch of people who were staring at him in disbelief.

PS: his horse and cloak were black
I think you can carry on by yourself from here!

[Urwen]

This one time, Morgoth was bored. So, he decided to pay a visit to Uldor the Accursed in the Void. He went and made it there. But when he entered the Void, three figures, to females and one male, surrounded him, claiming that they want revenge because he completely destroyed their lives. The male boasted that he killed Morgoth's most trusted servant.

Trying to look imposing, the youngest girl leaned towards Morgoth.

"It must be fun to kill the innocent little girls." she spat

The man laughed.

"Give it up, sis. You just aren't meant to scare. You were brought into this world to bring happiness...just as our other sister was brought to give me strength...to slaughter One Who Used To Arise In Might." he mocked, as he huddled his younger sister. His other younger sister didn't say a word.

"Why don't you say anything?" asked Morgoth, his curiousity arose.

"Because you drove me to incest. " she replied calmly

Morgoth couldn't even say anything before man stabbed him through the heart.

"Now you know strength of Death Iron." said the man carelessly, cleaning the sword and hugging his two sisters affectionately

[Galadriel55]

Before he was elected as King, Aragorn's agents spread petitions amongst all the people of Gondor. The people had to circle the answer that applies to the. This is how the petition looked:

Do you mind Aragorn becoming King? (circle one)

a) Yes, I don't mind
b) No, I don't mind

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

Gandalf was lighting his pipe in the burial chamber of Balin:
"Naur an edraith ammen! Naur... oh, ****. Summoned the Balrog...Run!"

[Almesiva Moonshadow]

During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elf’s other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elf’s leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elf’s other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "You’re trying to escape, aren’t you?"

I'm feeling very creative today, you know...

[Galadriel55]

And when this new star was seen at evening, Maedhros spoke to Maglor his brother, and he said: "Surely that is a Silmaril that shines now in the West?"

And Maglor answered: "No, stupid! It's an airplane!"


~~~


Pippin looked in the Palantir and was trapped by Sauron, and Sauron told him that to escape he has to answer three questions. Pippin, seeing no other way, agreed. So Sauron began to ask him things:

S: Where did Beren see Luthien for the first time?

P: In Doriath.

S: What does Gollum call the Ruling Ring?

P: My preciouss.

S: How many stars did Varda place on the sky?

P: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

Since Pippin answered all three correctly (to his big surprise and relief) Sauron let him go. On the morning he came to Aragorn and told him that it's ok to look in the palantir as long as you can answer Sauron's questions. "Just answer him In Doriath, my precious, and the lore-masters haven't determined yet - in that order," Pippin told him. So when opportunity arose Aragorn took the palantir and looked inside. "Well met, Aragorn son of Arathorn!" said Sauron. "Answer my 3 questions if you wish to remain the same man ever again!"

S: Where is your kingdom, Lord of the Dunedain?

A: In Doriath.

S: Who told you that?

A: My precious.

S: Are you an idiot?!

A: The lore-masters haven't determined yet.

[Galadriel55]

Sam: Legolas, tell me, can Oliphaunts fly?

Legolas: No Sam.

Sam: Gandalf said they could.

Legolas (scratches head): Well, then they fly, but very very low...


~~~


Bilbo and Gollum are playing the riddle game. Gollum starts:
-Once upon a time there were two fell beasts, one black and another to the north. How old am I?
-100 years old.
-How do you know?
-Half a century ago they were saying that you're half cracked...


~~~


What do you call a swarthy man with slanted eyes who looks half an orc?

His name, of course! Don't be racist!

[HerenIstarion]

As I've recently played Skyrim, and as it is already a meme, it just begs to be uttered (I guess I will get stoned for that by angry mobs later on... but anyway)


Gandalf telling Frodo about Gollum:

He used to be a hobbit just like you, but then he took an arrow to his knee...

[Galadriel55]

New Year's Eve. Orthanc Tower. Inhabitants realise they forgot to congratulate someone.

Saruman: Wormtongue, have you wished Gandalf a Happy New Year?

Grima: No, master.

Saruman: See, you forgot to give Gandalf New Year greetings, which means that you have sclerosis.

Grima: My Master, may I ask you... did you give Gandalf holiday greetings?

Saruman (thinks): ...Noooo...

Grima: And what does that mean?

Saruman: It means that you've forgotten to remind me, which means that you have sclerosis.

[Galadriel55]

-How did Denethor become crazy?

-It happened when the doctor told him that he was diagnosed with hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

[MCRmyGirl4eva]

Why did the dwarves sing their song about smashing Bilbo's plates and destroying his house while cleaning up?

They wanted it to seem like they were joking

It sucks, yes, but I'm bad at this kind of thing.

[Galadriel55]

A group of Dwarves was travelling through Bree. They came into the Prancing Pony, paid the inkeeper fifty silver pennies in advance for their stay, and went off to see which rooms they want.

As soon as he received the money, Butterbur went running to the grocer to pay off his long-standing debt for a few boxes of the choiciest vegetables. The grocer took the pennies and rushed to the delivery man, who, knowing that his friend's money jar is getting empty, agreed to do a few weeks of worth ahead of payment. Upon collecting his pay of fifty silver pennies, the delivery man dashed off to the house of his neighbour, whose cart he was using for a long time without paying. The neighbour then delivered the money to a farmer who has helped out with last year's harvesting and agreed to postpone the payment. The farmer then found Nob, to whom he lost fifty silver pennies in a game of chance. Nob promptly gave it to Bob because he lost him many a bet. And Bob did not hesitate to hand it over to Butterbur, to whom he owed a good deal for breaking numerous cups and dishes and (accidentally) wasting much food and beer.

At that moment the Dwarves returned from their tour and announced that they changed their minds; they have decided they actually would not be staying overnight in the town and therefore would like to have their money back.


In the end, no one has lost anything, but the townsfolk had no more debts.

[MCRmyGirl4eva]

Originally Posted by Galadriel55

A group of Dwarves was travelling through Bree. They came into the Prancing Pony, paid the inkeeper fifty silver pennies in advance for their stay, and went off to see which rooms they want.

As soon as he received the money, Butterbur went running to the grocer to pay off his long-standing debt for a few boxes of the choiciest vegetables. The grocer took the pennies and rushed to the delivery man, who, knowing that his friend's money jar is getting empty, agreed to do a few weeks of worth ahead of payment. Upon collecting his pay of fifty silver pennies, the delivery man dashed off to the house of his neighbour, whose cart he was using for a long time without paying. The neighbour then delivered the money to a farmer who has helped out with last year's harvesting and agreed to postpone the payment. The farmer then found Nob, to whom he lost fifty silver pennies in a game of chance. Nob promptly gave it to Bob because he lost him many a bet. And Bob did not hesitate to hand it over to Butterbur, to whom he owed a good deal for breaking numerous cups and dishes and (accidentally) wasting much food and beer.

At that moment the Dwarves returned from their tour and announced that they changed their minds; they have decided they actually would not be staying overnight in the town and therefore would like to have their money back.


In the end, no one has lost anything, but the townsfolk had no more debts.

Sounds like my math class... Wait! I'm a senior! I don't have one this year! YAY

[Galadriel55]

I was teaching my sister the names of the 13 Dwarves from Thorin's company, as well as a few other Dwarven names. We managed to turn their names into a bunch of weirdest things, including an army of pigs.

Me (counting on fingers): Balin Dwalin. Oin Gloin. Ori Nori Dori. Bifur Bofur Bombur. Kili Fili. Thorin.

Sister: Gloin. Dori. Nori. Oin. Ori. Oink. Oink? Oink Oink Oink...


And more incidents that I can remember:

...Kili. Fili. Dawling. Bowling.

...(lists 10 of them, without the B's). Balin. Bombur Bombur Bombur.

...Bifun Bofun Bombun Bamboo.

...Borin Dorin Darin Durin Nurin Norin Trorin Forin Tarin Turin...

[Galadriel55]

You have grown, Halfling. Yes, you have grown very much. I daresay you put on three inches since I last saw you!

~~~

"I will do that," Radagast said, and rode off as if nine of his rabbits were after him.

~~~

I said we, for we it may be, if you will join with me. A new power supply is rising to the market, and I want us to be the first to sign up for it.

[Lotrelf]

Originally Posted by Nevfeniel

Heehee, I liked the first one best, HerenIstarion. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

But what does the first one mean?

[Galadriel55]

- Smeagol, where does Sauron keep his armies?
- In his sleevies.

~~~

Sam couldn't break into the Tower of Cirith Ungol, so he broke into song.

~~~

Bert the Troll wondered where the sun was. Then it dawned on him.

~~~

Starving in Mirkwood Bilbo kept thinking, It's hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

[Urwen]

Q: How many Men does it take to kill an Elf?
A: One.

[Pervinca Took]

Let me guess who!

[Urwen]

Of course you may.

Btw, I saw you tried to send me PMs. I'll clear the inbox, then you can resend them if you want.

EDIT: Done

[Pervinca Took]

Sorry, Urwen, I meant it a bit like a rhetorical question - meaning 'Oh, I couldn't possibly imagine who!' jokingly sarcastically (i.e. Turin).

PM was because I had offered a guess of the last password clue.

By the way, I didn't mean to be terse in the 'One Thing In Common' thread - I was just tired. I read it again this morning and have edited my post.

[Urwen]

Oh, sorry. I meant both Turin and Tuor, btw.

[Urwen]

Q: What did Maeglin order in the restaurant?
A: Mor(e) leg(s)


Sorry not sorry.

[Galadriel55]

Gollum, in his rehab program in the Shire, saw sees Merry and Pippin enjoying a tasty snack.
- What isss ittt the hobitses are eating?
- That's raisins, Smeagol. Yum!

Gollum runs over to Bilbo's place.
- Bagginsss! I mussst have raisinsss. Where are you hiding your raisinsss?
- Hoy, Smeagol, - Bilbo says, - I haven't got any raisins. But I have a couple delicious raisin buns, if you want some.
- Pick them out of the filthy buns! We wants raisinsss!

So Bilbo obligingly digs out all the raising from the baked treats.
- What are these, my preciousss? Are they raisinsss?
- Yes, Smeagol, these are the raisins you wanted.

Gollum puts one in his mouth, and his eyes go big.
- Filthy raisnisses! Yuck! Shove them back into the buns!


~~~~~~


What is the difference between a palantir and a ball being dropped off the heights of Zirakzigil?

A Palantir as it falls would pass the levels of Khazad-dum thus: 5th storey - 4th storey - 3rd storey - 2nd storey - main level - deeper levels - mining shafts - ai ai, a Balrog - hello Nameless Things.

Meanwhile, a ball falling counts the passed levels: 5th storey - 4th storey - 3rd storey - 2nd storey - main level - 2nd storey - 3rd storey...


~~~~~~

The Adventures of One Little Hobbit

One little hobbit picked up a round stone.
- What is it, Gandalf? - the hobbit intoned.
- Look in the depth, sing the Baby Shark song!
And that's how the Dark Lord went daft as a log.

---

One little hobbit was making a broth,
With cyanide he seasoned the boiling pot.
That day, Sackville-Bagginses came home to feast:
All S.B.s ate, but our hobbit didn't eat!

---

One little hobbit climbed Sandyman's mill,
Stuck himself out, hanging over the sill.
The road by the mill's covered in bloody splotches:
The hobbit tomatoes threw down at the gawkers.

[Alassë Estel]

Therapist: So, what's the problem?
Wife: He won't stop quoting The Lord Of The Rings!
Husband: I'm sorry, I'm just so tired. I feel...
Wife: Stop.
Therapist: No, no, let him talk.
Husband: I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.