The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

I fear this could get tiring, however.

I know. I got tired just writing it.

In any case, I was joking. I'm just trying to start a discussion on the overall plot.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Well, we have one vote for a Middle-earth parody presented in the mode of Brideshead Revisited (in this case, Bag-end revisited), and we also have a vote for Riverdale High School (teenage Elven angst).

If you go for the latter, it should be "Rivendale" (because you won't believe how many times I've seen it spelled that way -- and not as a typo, consistently throughout the story, which makes it obvious the writer never cracked the books, but spelled it the way s/he "heard" it in the movies. You ask why I bother ever actually reading some of this? For someone who has been both a writer and professional editor, it's like watching a train wreck. Compelling in its sheer horror... ). And it seems that a true Mary Sue is never merely Elven. They're almost always some combination of Elf/Human, Elf/Istari (almost never in the singular, mind you, I guess that i on the end must sound cooler or something), all three, or even Elf/Hobbit. Never Elf/Dwarf. A pity -- now, that could be a real source of teenage angst, an outcast even to herself, because everyone knows how terribly Elves hate Dwarves, so of course the MS would be torn between hating and loving herself, and would need the Love of A Good Elf to teach her just how Wonderful and Special she really is...

Good lord, I think I feel my gorge rising at the very thought... or a severe case of sugar shock coming on....

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

If you go for the latter, it should be "Rivendale" (because you won't believe how many times I've seen it spelled that way -- and not as a typo, consistently throughout the story, which makes it obvious the writer never cracked the books, but spelled it the way s/he "heard" it in the movies.

Actually, I used the 'Riverdale' spelling because I've seen it spelled that way on multiple occasions (I've also seen it spelled 'Rivendale', as you recalled); however, the Riverdale spelling cracks me up because Riverdale High was where Archie comics of the 60's had its base. So, one can have Elf equivalents of Veronica, Betty, Reggie and...ummm...Jughead.

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

You ask why I bother ever actually reading some of this? For someone who has been both a writer and professional editor, it's like watching a train wreck. Compelling in its sheer horror... ).

As a writer, English lit. major, former university English tutor and ex-substitute teacher, I am equally enthralled by horrid writing (it must be the trade's addiction). I once did an ongoing Roleplay 101 course (novel-based roleplay) on another forum for a few years, and used the most appalling examples of 'what not to do' rp'ing-wise directly from the stories on those boards. Needless to say, I never ran out of examples.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Hmm, then who's Jughead...?

Actually, you could use both names, randomly. I've seen plenty of bad fanfics wherein the author is quite unable to decide which one it's supposed to be, and certainly doesn't care one bit about proofreading. What's even more horrifying is the fact that people actually praise some of the worst I've seen as being excellent and true to canon. *shudder*

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

Hmm, then who's Jughead...?

Jughead? Probably Erestor, Elrond's sidekick.

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

Actually, you could use both names, randomly. I've seen plenty of bad fanfics wherein the author is quite unable to decide which one it's supposed to be, and certainly doesn't care one bit about proofreading. What's even more horrifying is the fact that people actually praise some of the worst I've seen as being excellent and true to canon. *shudder*

Yes, abberant misspellings (meaning, even the misspellings do not follow a consistent pattern) are a hallmark of bad roleplay and bad writing in general. I am always amused with what I refer to as 'Chat RP', wherein the collaborators' efforts consist of single line posts (one or two sentences per character) with nominal grammar (the article 'teh' is prominent) that stretch on for hundreds of posts. This type of RP is fun because one can start from the final post and read backwards to the first post and the story does not suffer (having made little sense to begin with). Needless to say, canonicity is about as evident as punctuation.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Yes, abberant misspellings (meaning, even the misspellings do not follow a consistent pattern) are a hallmark of bad roleplay and bad writing in general.

In that case, we should all remember to refer to Isildur's heir as "Aragon", "Eragon" and "Argon".

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Perhaps "Errorgorn" would be a suitable alternative...

[Mithalwen]

If you don't think I woul dbe handicapped by never having slogged through much of Joyce other than Portrait of the Artist as a Pretentious Git then Fingolfin's Wake gets my vote. I have an "Easter rebellion" surname and a tendency to stream of consciousness (some call it rambling) I'll save Brideshead for another thread. I can't help thinking the Bloom link is a sign....

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Morthoron and cohorts, it's a shame the Entish Bow/Merisu parody has stalled - sounds like you'd all be great contributors! I was going to keep writing it all alone, if necessary, but alas, other priorities have kept me from imaginative writing at this time. Still, I wonder if there would be some way to incorporate your ideas in the stranded adventures of the Guy/Galship...

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Estelyn Telcontar

Morthoron and cohorts, it's a shame the Entish Bow/Merisu parody has stalled - sounds like you'd all be great contributors! I was going to keep writing it all alone, if necessary, but alas, other priorities have kept me from imaginative writing at this time. Still, I wonder if there would be some way to incorporate your ideas in the stranded adventures of the Guy/Galship...

*The Dark Elf bows*

I've read the Entish Bow, and feel it would be impertinent to take up where others have left off in this case. It is, after all, not our story, and I feel it would stifle the creative process to maintain a stilted adherence to someone else's plot-line. However, if you'd like, you are more than welcome to join in the formulation of the present tale, and add your character from the previous story; thus, one of the old guard joins with the new.

Estelyn, one question: where is the best place to put this story? I believe that all those who have agreed to collaborate are veteran rp'ers (whether on these forums or elsewhere), so which segment of the forums (or fora) would this best fit?

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

If you don't think I would be handicapped by never having slogged through much of Joyce other than Portrait of the Artist as a Pretentious Git then Fingolfin's Wake gets my vote. I have an "Easter rebellion" surname and a tendency to stream of consciousness (some call it rambling) I'll save Brideshead for another thread. I can't help thinking the Bloom link is a sign....

Actually, I was only joking about making a parody of Middle-earth that mimics Joyce (I would liken it to eating ice cream too fast and getting a brain freeze). But what would be humorous is to synthesize several different author's styles within the framework of the story. It often seems that seriously banal roleplay (and I mean serious regarding someone who is actually trying to be literate) has an another author's influence directly imposed on the fan-fic. In that regard, we are intending to write dreadful prose, or rather, what seems at a glance to be dreadful, but is deviously plotted to be, in actuality, something altogether different from its intended purpose. Satire (like fantasy) is only great when there is a suspension of disbelief, and the reader is lulled into enjoying the story for its own sake (which is why most bald farces fail).

[Mithalwen]

Eeek... I think I am going to have to rely on an innate ability to write dreadful prose.... and I would prefer a completely new start for many of the reasons Morthoron stated plus the not having read the original one.

[Nerwen]

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

I think, even before we decide on the scenario, we should lay down some basic rules. Here are my suggestions:


1. Try to upstage everyone else as much as possible, making your character the centre of attention at all costs. Remember: When you're a Sue, it's all about you.

2. Your character's beautiful appearance (particularly the hair and eyes) must be described at least once per day, using a minimum of four adjectives on each occasion.

3. Your character must also appear in a stunning new outfit at frequent intervals– even if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness. In fact, make that especially if your character is on a long, arduous journey in the wilderness.

4. You may launch into a detailed account of your character's beauty, talents, tragic past etc. at any time, regardless of what else is going on. (Yes, I do mean in the middle of a fight.)

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

6. The desire for an unrequited love, a love who has already sailed into the West, or in any case a love who is far off, is central to your character's melancholia.

7. A weapon of unlimited and arcane power is naturally a requirement.

8. Your character must have abilities that are not necessarily canonical to Tolkien (ie., telepathy over hundreds of miles, magic in a non-magic race, beserker power to slay hundreds of orcs at one sitting, etc.).

9. Your character should either speak in a heightened, almost-Shakepearean manner, or else talk in modern slang.

10. Without our aid, the ring-bearer will ultimately fail.

[Nerwen]

11. As a corollary to Rule 9, you should avoid the correct use of archaic pronouns. Accompanying verbs should also be wrong (and, occasionally, German*). Your character may shift speaking styles as often as you like– preferably in mid-sentence.

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**




*Truly, I've seen this.

**I've seen all of these, too.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

*snickers*

perhaps add the following:

5. The death of a parent or loved one (usually done in by orcs) is central to your character's melancholia.

Ideally both parents and all relatives other than some connection to a status giving person or someone missing presumed enthralled (in a bad way).

We mustn't forget the uber talented pet in all this... whether wonderdog or extremely obliging and communicative hawk.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

13. (the Evil Number ) If the source of your melancholia is not your parents or lost love having been done in by orcs, then Sauron is your father. Or possibly Saruman, if the melancholia isn't terribly severe.

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

16. If you do call your friends by name, you ALWAYS call them by name. You cannot say a sentence to them without including their name at least once.

My, this could get truly warped.

[Morthoron]

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

18. Your character should be directly related to one of Tolkien's characters (Aragorn's disinherited half-brother, Elrond's love child, Legolas' lesbian sister, etc.). Anonymity, bourgeois or pedestrian relations are not de rigeur in Mary-Sue fan-fic.

19. In conjunction with #17, Tolkien's characters must play integral parts in the story, and are beholden to your character in one way or another ("If it weren't for my timely aid, Gandalf would not have driven the Nazgul from Weathertop!").

20. Use Harlequin Romance novels as research tools rather than Tolkien's works (they are more canonical in Mary-Sue fiction).

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

17. The word 'elfess' or 'elfesses' must be liberally strewn in the text to denote Elvish women; likewise, the use of the term 'elven maid' is recommended.

Also: "She-elf".

[Nerwen]

Character Description Form:


(Your-Name)'s character

NAME:

AGE (chronological):

AGE (mental):

RACE(S):

GENDER:

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELLERY/OTHER ITEMS:

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM:

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

SPECIAL PET(S):

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S):

IS IN LOVE WITH:

IS LOVED BY:

APPEARANCE: (No grey-eyed, dark-haired Elves. No Hobbits with curly brown hair and furry feet. Please pick an appearance which will show that your character is really special.)

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!):

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST:

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR:

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER:

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

12. Add local colour! Your character's conversation should be peppered with words and phrases from the Elvish languages of Middle-earth– such as Grey Company Elvish, Spanish, Italian, Pig Latin, Backwards English and Cat-Walking-on-the-Keyboard.**

.

I like this idea - is there a fixed convention here - German for Rohirric? Latin for Quenya, French for Sindarin Langue d'Oc for Adunaic? Or as our whimsy takes us?

Of course characters should engineer otherwise entirely reduntant scenes for the chance to say "Elen sila lumenn omentielvo" or "Ai na vedui ..."

[Nerwen]

Of course. And no, there's no fixed convention. In fact, if possible, everyone should do something different.

However–

21. Phrases in Middle-earth languages (real or fake) should be accompanied by a translation in brackets. This translation must be wrong.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Codicil to 21: the inaccurate translation in brackets must accompany EVERY use of the word, and should include Sin., Q., or the apparently scholarly abbreviation for whatever language it's supposed to be.

I have seen this so many times, I've occasionally been tempted to chuck my laptop across the room in sheer... I don't know what, frustration or craziness come closest. But no bad fanfic is worth that.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Morthoron, Mithalwen, I quite agree that you should have the freedom of setting up your own original story rather than having to fit into an existing one. My idea was more wishful thinking than anything else, my Elvish nostalgia for the glories of days gone by...

As to the location, you'd best write a PM to piosenniel, who can advise you on all matters RPG.


edit: It's so much fun to read all of your highly amusing ideas - are non-participants allowed to contribute? If so, I would like to add a couple of codicils:

to #6: This fact does not stop your character from romantic involvement with every other appropriate or inappropriate character that comes her/his way.

to #7: The weapon must have a name, preferably one that shows its noble lineage and notable history.

to Mithalwen's idea about pets: In addition to other accompanying animals, each character must have an equine companion with special gifts - a unicorn, or at the very least, a speaking horse, if not an even more exotic beast - to ride.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

14. If your melancholia is severe and Sauron is your father, then he either killed your lost love, or is holding him prisoner.

Addendum to 14.: If this is not the case, then your melancholia results from the fact that Daddy sent you to wipe out the Fellowship (which he knows all about, for reasons which will never be explained) ...and you've fallen in love with Aragorn.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

15. You never call anyone "friend." It's always "mellon nin," or "melon nin," if your spelling is questionable (or you happen to enjoy cantelopes). "Melanin," if you have the most gorgeous tan in all of Arda.

My, this could get truly warped.

Or even melatonin if you are sleep deprived.

I do hope so

[Nerwen]

And how could I forget...

22. Should all go as planned between you and the object of your lust– er, I mean admiration– remember that Gandalf moonlights as a marriage celebrant.

[Morthoron]

Morthoron's character

NAME: Naugredhil

AGE (chronological): 1st Age (several thousand years)

AGE (mental): about 16

RACE(S): Half-dwarf (half-Sindarin)

GENDER: Male

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELRY/OTHER ITEMS: The Naugrond -- Hammer of the Dwarves.

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM: Created by Telchar in the deeps of time (he actually wittled it on a lunch break during the days he was crafting Narsil).

SPECIAL ABILITIES: A dwarf's endurance and drinking ability, with elvish acuity and fashion sense.

SPECIAL PET(S): having also the dwarvish ability to speak with birds, he has as his companion the foul-speaking myna named Harlot.

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S): He once saved Elrond from a bad hair day.

IS IN LOVE WITH: An unrequited love for the elf-maiden Rintintinavulaossea-Estelauder, whose father refused his proffer of marriage because of his unseemly height.

IS LOVED BY: No one, he does not fit in with the elves, who mock his shortness, nor the dwarves, who laugh at his parti-colored robes (Particularly the ones with the satin hoods).

APPEARANCE: He has smoldering black eyes flecked with green that turn a fiery red when he is angered. He is blessed with a wavy mop of brown hair that has silken strands of blond highlights that glisten in the early morning sun. He has a five-o'clock shadow even though he shaves constantly (having inherited a beard gene from his unknown dwarvish father). He's about 5'8'' with the gnarled muscles of the dwarven race, but his movements are agile with the predatory grace of a feline.

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!): His height, which is a constant cause for melancholy.

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST: His mother, a Sindarin elf, was raped by a dwarf of Tumunzahar during the sack of Menegroth after the death of Thingol. His mother, though wane from grief and embarrassment, still bore the cursed child out of a sense of duty and faith (Tolkien being Catholic and all). As she lay dying from blood loss, she uttered the famous prophecy:

All that is withered is not necessarily old,
Not all that ponder do deeply think.
Some haven't the sense to come in from the cold
Because they've had far too much to drink.

From the squat gawking up at the world --
Sorely mocked for his poor lack of height --
Shall get all the cool stuff and the girl,
In spite of his measure so slight.

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR: His mother, who just happened to be Eol's sister, was heir to Nan Elmoth. At the end of his days, Naugredhil shall steal a rowboat (knocking some Hobbit named Sam into the water), and sail out into the West. Unfortunately, he won't find Nan Elmoth because it is, of course, submerged.

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER: Ummm...because...I will eventually figure out a way to make it so?

[Nerwen]

Now I'm torn. My character was going to be Elrond's Other Daughter... but I just discovered a wonderfully absurd Daughter-of-Evil fic. I'm really tempted to base my character on that instead.

Decisions, decisions...

[Mithalwen]

play both ... I am torn between 2 ideas so I may have to have a carry-on

Actually the second is just my first ever RPG character who would just slot in

[Nerwen]

23. You are, of course, free to invent customs for any Middle-earth society– provided they add to the specialness/angst of your character.

[Nerwen]

Character Description Form:


Nerwen's character (1)

NAME: Alatariel Moonflower.

AGE (chronological): 513.

AGE (mental): 14.

RACE(S): Half-elf(ess).

GENDER: Female.

SPECIAL WEAPONS/JEWELLERY/OTHER ITEMS: A golden amulet that warns her when evil is near (by going "ping" loudly). A mithril bow studded with rubies.

RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM: Celebrimbor. Originally they were a present to the Sue's grandmother, Galadriel.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Really good ESP, which enables her to be a skilled warrior despite her total blindness. Archery (best bow-elfess in Middle-earth). Healing. Magical singing (of traditional Elvish ballads like "May It Be", "Into the West" and "The Wind Beneath My Wings").

SPECIAL PET(S): Sparklehorn, her unicorn– the last unicorn in Middle-earth, naturally. They can communicate telepathically.

RELATIONSHIP TO TOLKIEN'S CHARACTER(S): Elrond's younger daughter.

IS IN LOVE WITH: Glorfindel. But he has barely noticed her existance.

IS LOVED BY: No-one... no-one at all... *sob*

APPEARANCE: Golden hair shot with silver– just like her grandma. Emerald-green eyes which are "more beautiful than eyes that see", as I will remind you all at frequent intervals. They turn silver when she is using her ESP at full power.

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!): Well, she's blind.

TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST: She was scarcely more than a babe when her mother, Celebrían, for some reason decided to take her on her ill-fated trip over the Redhorn Pass. The infant Alatariel Moonflower had to witness her mother's torture– until the Orcs blinded her, using the proverbial "poke in the eye with a burnt stick". (Somehow™, this did not disfigure her eyes at all.)

Since then she has had to suffer both her father's overprotection... and the contempt of other Elves, who, it turns out, hate blind people. Oh, and they despise her for being a "mongrel", too.

No wonder her only friend is her unicorn. Oh, and her grandmother– see below.

(OPTIONAL) REALMS TO WHICH YOUR CHARACTER IS THE RIGHTFUL HEIR: Lórien. Her older siblings are out, due to a law which bars dark-haired people from inheriting. ("It's the golden house of Finarfin, geddit?" Galadriel was heard to remark.)

REASON THE FATE OF MIDDLE-EARTH DEPENDS ON YOUR CHARACTER: She's the ideal backup Ringbearer. Since she can't see, she can't be dazzled by the Ring's evil beauty. Not only that, but like all handicapped people (in fan-fiction), she is noble and unselfish enough to be trusted with an object that gives virtually unlimited power. Honestly. You believe her, right?

[Eönwë]

How about an albino orc, who exiled by his clan (I assume orcs are worse-than-Spartan) who strikes up a frienship with a similarly outcast elf (both of whom- or at least the orc- managed to survive alone in the wild since they were young children) and theychallenge anyone to think otherwise.

Awww... but I have neither the time nor the skill...

[Mithalwen]

Ah well that solve that dilemma - Moonflower is far too close to that original character Aglariel Laurelote, niece of Glorfindel and beloved of Elrohir

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Ah well that solve that dilemma - Moonflower is far too close to that original character Aglariel Laurelote, niece of Glorfindel and beloved of Elrohir

You haven't seen my other character yet...

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

TOKEN FLAW/WEAKNESS (which proves that your character is NOT, repeat NOT, a Mary Sue!): Well, she's blind.

And she has absolutely no problem whatsoever seeing better than anyone else in Middle-earth, right?

There is a certainly quality that harkens back to the very first Mary Sue (who was of Star Trek fanfic in origin, and provided the name, as she was Lieutenant Mary Sue) that should not be forgotten, I think: Everyone, even the people who hated her, still loved her. Mary Sue, of course, was not necessarily aware of this, but all men loved her (openly or secretly; she left a trail of broken hearts behind her, which she would have healed had she but known) and even the women who envied her beauty, skill, wit, charm, etc. and should have hated her loved her anyway. Now, that the Sue might be unaware of this immense outpouring of love toward her... oh, the angst, the tragedy...!

Eonwe, perhaps it should be an albino half-orc. It seems that most Sues in Middle-earth are half-something (half-witted, no, though that could be said of many Sue writers). And perhaps a shape-shifter. Sues seem to love that ability.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

And she has absolutely no problem whatsoever seeing better than anyone else in Middle-earth, right?

As I said, she has really good ESP... when she cranks it up she can see colours and everything... in a "not seeing them" kind of way, of course (whatever that means)

[Mithalwen]

Like synaesthesia I expect

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Character Description Form:



RENOWNED CRAFTSMAN WHO MADE THEM: Celebrimbor. Originally they were a present to the Sue's grandmother, Galadriel.


TRAGIC PAST/OTHER REASON FOR ANGST: She was scarcely more than a babe when her mother, Celebrían, for some reason decided to take her on her ill-fated trip over the Redhorn Pass. The infant Alatariel Moonflower had to witness her mother's torture– until the Orcs blinded her, using the proverbial "poke in the eye with a burnt stick".

My dear Nerwen, we could be relatives. I say that because I was planning to make my character Galadriel's other daughter. The more angst ridden one of course. Though I'm sure Celebrian was full of angst in her time.

[Nerwen]

All the more reason for your character to out-angst her.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

All the more reason for your character to out-angst her.

I am looking forward to the story with angsticipation.

What time period shall we choose? Are we sticking with a 'forever-following-Frodo' format directly in-sync timewise with LotR?