The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Downer would like to apologise for the lack of inside stories last week. Due to a printing error, the last issue was full of water.

Letters to the Editor
II

Dear sir,

I think your newspaper is vile! I wouldn't buy it if you paid me! Your stories are nonsensical and downright false! Your comics are setting a bad example for children and your outrageous price tag makes me sick!

Yours etcetera, etcetera,

Mr. R.B. Arebe.

Dear Mr. Arebe.

You stink.

Dear Sir,

My son loves The Phantom and Alien, but he would like to know why The Phantom doesn’t just kill Alien!

Yours in haste,

Tony Hash with an Iron Moutache.

Dear Mr Hash,

All will become clear eventually. I hope.

Dear Mr. Editor,

Your report last month about the Barrow Wight being sued was utter nonsense. I, I mean he, did not get sued by anyone. So just stop it!

Yours etcetera,

B. Wightington

Dear sir,

No.

[Volo]

After a long day traveling way north with his dear enemy, a barrow-downer had been violently murdered! He was walking to the music-station to put on something nice when suddenly an innocent looking backstabber attacked him. In the evening on the 24th of September the member Volo was cut down and killed by a penguin. It wasn't the first time that Volo was fighting for his life against animals, but this was certaintly the most tragic attack ever. As he himself comments: "It was really uncomfortable to have a katana thrust through you, I was really angry with the whole mess!". The police suspects that this was done for the sake of revenge and the penguin was brainwashed by a real mastermind. The penguin was taken to a questioning. In the middle of the hearing the lights suddenly went out. When a new bulb was attached the police noticed that the penguin was gone. Later the same evening the same penguin was found murdered, by drowning. Clearly somebody got rid of a witness. All clues are to be left in the Which Downer Am I! -thread!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

With every new week, there is new News in the new Newspaper...

Week 13 Linked to save on loading time.


And who could forget the barely anticipated and much lamented new episode of The Phantom and Alien...

P and A episode 11

[Thinlómien]

Volo, your links don't work.

And penguins don't murder people!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

If you cannot see Volo's links, I'll put them here for ye to see!

[Thinlómien]

Thanks, Hookbill.

Those are horrible! Volo, I seriously consider neg-repping you...!

[Volo]

Wasn't that the whole idea?

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

On a more positive note, the recent space-time anomalies have enabled me to escape from an eccentric temporal loop in which I had been trapped for some eight millennia. Fortunately my absence would appear to have been somewhat shorter in real time. If I seem oddly changed, it's because eight-thousand years of reading the last sentence of next week's Hansard is a more than usually life-changing experience. Public Order (Rudeness to Budgerigars) Act indeed!

p.s. Those letters to the editor are obvious fabrications. I am disgusted that they weren't properly disguised as real letters according to standard editorial practice.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by The Squatter of Amon Rûdh

p.s. Those letters to the editor are obvious fabrications. I am disgusted that they weren't properly disguised as real letters according to standard editorial practice.

Yes, well, I couldn't publish the real letters. The Barrow Downs and The Downer has strict rules about swearing and bad language.

But anyway, here is some Downer Merchendise.

[Kuruharan]

And penguins don't murder people!

Ha! A likely story, just what subversive elements in our society would like us to think! Then WHAMMO!!!

I personally find it much more unlikely that a penguin would die by drowning.

Strapping dynamite to its flippers would have been more appropriate...and gory...

[Brinniel]

I am thoroughly frightened! Penguins have lived in my dorm as long as I have. And all seemed well until I read Volo's story. Ever since, I've noticed the penguins following me wherever I go, giving me these creepy looks....

Take a look for yourself. I swear I'm not imagining it!

[Thinlómien]

Originally Posted by Kuruharan

I personally find it much more unlikely that a penguin would die by drowning.

Well, that too. That picture was especially horrible.

Strapping dynamite to its flippers would have been more appropriate...and gory...

That's cruel! The Penguin Rights Watch protests!

*makes banners*

SAVE INNOCENT PENGUINS FROM WRONGFUL ACCUSATIONS!

PENGUINS DON'T DESERVE DEATH BY DROWNING OR BY DYNAMITE!

STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST PENGUINS!

[Volo]

I bet YOU sent the penguin to assassinate me! But no, you wouldn't have killed it... Hmm... The case is still open.

Brinniel, that is frightening, we must stop the evil penguin mastermind! Lommy, help us and justice will be back and everybody (the, also the penguins) will live (or unlive) happily ever after.

[Thinlómien]

By Grise Echo

The murders of a 'downer and a penguin (who is suspected to have commited the murder) are about to be solved. The Central Wight Police (CWP) has made an order to arrest a maia spirit that lives in the seas near Helcaraxë.

The maia, who remains anonymous, is previously suspected of capturing Elenwë, wife to Turgon of Gondolin, and the murders of five noldorin Elves of her household, including Turgon's nephew.

[Kuruharan]

That's cruel!

Perhaps you're right. A simple hanging would have been as effective and less costly.

STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST PENGUINS!

-and-

The maia, who remains anonymous, is previously suspected of capturing Elenwë, wife to Turgon of Gondolin, and the murders of five noldorin Elves of her household, including Turgon's nephew.

*looks around carefully to see if any of the feathered fiends are in sight*

I have it on good authority that a certain Dark Power is actually attempting to replace orcs with penguins. It is a little known fact (that has hitherto gone unreported in the biased media) that the area where these poor innocent Elves (can you believe I just said that ) disappeared were awash in feathers!

There was a certain O. C. Cobblepot who was investigating these developments, but he ended up glued to the hull of the Titanic. Clearly he was getting on to something.

We can no more stop violence against penguins than we could against orcs.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

All right, I think the Penguin discussion has reached a conclusion. I hear the snuffling of Chat Squirrels at the door. So, drop the subject and go home. But no one goes home empty handed! You each receive a Special Barrow Downs Hat!

[Gothmog]

Sorry to intrude on this newspaper’s site, but I found some disturbing posters when cleaning a chamber in one of the barrows furthest away from here. I thought it would be best to let this come to Hookbills, and all you other downers, attention as soon as possible. This was what the posters said:

OUTRAGEOUS!
Listen up all ghosts, ghouls, ghasts, zombies, wights, demons and other undead horrors of the downs! It’s time for someone to take actions against this new tool for the leaders to manipulate us, this newspaper, this “The Downer”. It’s an obvious fraud! I can’t believe they dare to call it newspaper, it’s neither news nor written on paper! It should be called “old-made-up-writing-in-digital-form” or something! Fabricated tales, probably a product of some sick governement employee that tries to promote their dear “wight”. I’ve already sent some agents, loyal to our cause, to sabotage The Downer. Unfortunely, one of the black and white, beaked, small bird agents was exposed and had to get rid of the witness. Pity we had to get rid of him soon after...

Now we need YOU, volunteers that can help us stop this horrible abomination called newspaper! Everyone is welcome in our organisation of resistance! Let’s fight back NOW before it’s too late!

And it was signed “Ed Red the Dead Dread”. Now that explains a thing or two! I must get back and clean the chambers, you wouldn’t believe how much dust that accumulates over 3,000 years! I’ll leave the poster here with you so you can decide what to do about it. See you later!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Thanks for bringing this to our attention, Goth-o.

The Downer wishes to reassure it's readers that these claims are as false as the stories in our Paper.

Hope that clears things up for you all.

Anyway...

Culture Section:

Films...

The Best film you can expect to see this week is defiantly 'A Genuine Fairy Story' from the Director of such classics as; 'The Yule Log', 'Shadow of the West', and the controversial 'Power to the People'. Here the infamous Lalwende and the rest of the crew are caught up in a whirlwind of adventure and discovery. Wild fantasy mixed with in-depth intellectual debate. A great film all round.



Plays:

The only play making a stir at the moment is Mithalwen's Flying Circus. It had been called inappropriate due to the fact that several members of the audience have mysteriously disappeared under mysterious circumstances that have caused mystery to surround the mysterious play.

[Lalwendë]

Ha-wey! Glad to see me mad ruminations on Faerie have inspired some Art. I blame those pixies I let into the house. I get the feeling this is not a Blockbuster of the Bruce-Willis-In-Sweaty-Eyuw-Vest type, more of an Ingmar Bergman where when you've watched it you go "Eh?" and have to have a lie down for a bit.

Stop the press! Mithalwen's Flying Circus are in the process of making a new film which might stir up some controversy and attract X certificate ratings (and maybe even those little Red triangles you used to get on naughty Channel 4 films in the 80s, which were a good indicator of a quality watch to any home alone teenager). The new film will be The Life of Davem, featuring such funny and infinitely quotable lines as "He's not the messiah, he's a vewy naughty boy!" and the future hit song "Always Look On The Bright Side of Death". This will be followed up with another Hit Film with the working title "And Now For Something Not Entirely Different".

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Another week, another beak!

This week with a special report by Glirdan!



And who could forget that wonderful duo! This week with a special guest star!

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

The only play making a stir at the moment is Mithalwen's Flying Circus. .

"NOBODY expects the Wightish Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise....
Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency....
Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...
and an almost fanatical devotion to the Barrow Wight....
Our four... no...
Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...
are such elements as fear, surprise...
I'll come in again. "

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Films update:

This week at your local Barrow Film place, you can catch the new Film adaptation of The Downer's own 'Phantom and Alien'. It is a terrible film! Truly! As bad as the mini comic series is, this is ten times worse! The jokes are predictable and not funny, the acting is shabby and the computer graphics look like they were done on Power Point.

Seriously, folks, leave it out of our plans.

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Thanks for bringing this to our attention, Goth-o.

The Downer wishes to reassure it's readers that these claims are as false as the stories in our Paper.

Hope that clears things up for you all.

Anyway...

Culture Section:

Films...

The Best film you can expect to see this week is defiantly 'A Genuine Fairy Story' from the Director of such classics as; 'The Yule Log', 'Shadow of the West', and the controversial 'Power to the People'. Here the infamous Lalwende and the rest of the crew are caught up in a whirlwind of adventure and discovery. Wild fantasy mixed with in-depth intellectual debate. A great film all round.

Well, now, do you think this will make an appearance at next year's Toronto International Film Festival? Or Cannes?

I can't tell you Hookbill how hard it was getting the cast to remember their lines! They kept wanting to ad lib, so finally I just let them.

[Glirdan]

Oh, just to let you all know the interview done by Scary Gary was written by yours truly.

[the phantom]

"Alien versus Phantom", eh? Following the "Alien versus Predator" format, I suppose? I guess that means we both die. How sad.

Just promise me this, HB- let me die with a black cloak on my back, a beautiful girl on my arm, and an arrogant statement on my tongue. That's all I ask.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Ah, Mr Phantom, I was wondering when you might show up here. I do hope you are not insulted by any of the comic strips that you have been included in.

If nothing else, you'll get some royalties from it.

[JennyHallu]

hehehe...that seems a quite substantial phantom you have there, Hookbill. The 'Meat and Potatoes' Diet seems to be getting to him.

[The Only Real Estel]

Originally Posted by the phantom

Just promise me this, HB- let me die with a black cloak on my back, a beautiful girl on my arm, and an arrogant statement on my tongue. That's all I ask.

Oh that's all, eh?

And to think that I only wanted to die after the last villager...

[the phantom]

And to think that I only wanted to die after the last villager...

Come now- the goal should be not to die at all.

that seems a quite substantial phantom you have there, Hookbill

Yes, yes, I noticed that too. I'm not sure why that is. I look a bit... pregnant. But as I am a male, you should certainly not assume or presume that the extra volume of my costume is due to a womb. Perhaps I consumed a room full of shrooms or legumes?

[mormegil]

Let's watch the chat on this thread. I've deleted a couple posts in the past because it was too chatty and I'd like to avoid that in the future.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Wow. The Downer has now been going on for 15 weeks! That's a long time!

This week, Volo has written a stroy for us. Unfortunatly, for some reason, this issue has been corupted when it was uploaded. I've tries several times to fix it, but this is as good as it could get (belive me, it used to be worse).



And now... the moment you've all been not waiting for. With another Special guest... The Phantom and Alien Episode 13...

[Volo]

Poor Rune... And I so hoped that he'd hunt Alien down. (good one )

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Volo

Poor Rune... And I so hoped that he'd hunt Alien down. (good one)

Alien really is a little Yit isn't he?
Hope he gets Rugged.

There are going to be a few more star guests in upcoming episodes. So watch out for your favorite Downers having unfortunate encounters with Alien.

[Volo]

If not for the "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Hookbill the Goomba again.", you would get reputation twice from me today. I rarelly laugh to somebody else's jokes , but that was wonderfull!

EDIT: Well, thankee O Hookbillo!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Minimum blurring today, I think. Sorry Valesse, it had to be reported:



And, who could forget, the best Newspaper Comedy Duo since 1416...



Watch out next week for a guest appearance from The Saucepan Man!

Also, if you are sending a story for the Front Page, please keep it to about 100 words, so that I can fit it on without having to cut it down or mess around with the format too much.

[Valesse]

Haha, excellent! I especially enjoyed the part about me riding pedestrians... woo...

But for the sake of answering your 'question':

Originally Posted by The Downer

So just what is the Barrow youth's obession with speed?

It's fast.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Valesse

Haha, excellent! I especially enjoyed the part about me riding pedestrians... woo...

Glad you're not insulted, Val. I only picked you because you had the most 'look drunk' picture on the Down's Photo Page.
Also, I'm trying to avoid re-using certain Downers just in case they leave / are banned (as was the case with poor Dave Lal is going to have to police the downs by herself now).

With The Saucepan Man's cameo in P&A coming up... Anyone want to see the concept art?

[Anguirel]

"Certain Downers"?

Enigmatic and threatening...

[Meneltarmacil]

*Meneltarmacil walks in covered in ashes and smoldering microwave parts*

Is there a doctor in the house?

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to seeing Saucepan's cameo appearance. Nice job, Hookbill!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Curent affairs

The Barrow Downs suffered some technical problems Yesterday and early today. What was the cause? Experts say a minor technical fault, but we think we know the real explanation...