ME jokes and funny stories

[Gandalf_the _white]

Legolas:"the way is shut, it is made by those who are dead and the dead keep it, the way is shut!"
Gimli: Why's the door open then?

[Lindril Arvilya]

Aragorn: Aww.... my sword sucks.....
Elrond: That's okay, we'll just go down to the pound and get you a new Sword That Was Broken!

[Sleepy Ranger]

Neither are mine but they're funny

[Boromir88]

This is going to be a corny one...but oh well...

Well, to tell you the truth, "lob" is an old English word for "spider." So, this I guess makes female spiders she-lobs?

[the guy who be short]

Originally Posted by Boro

This is going to be a corny one...but oh well...

Well, to tell you the truth, "lob" is an old English word for "spider." So, this I guess makes female spiders she-lobs?

Erm... that's where the name Shelob came from.

[Boromir88]

I told you it would be corny.

[Farael]

In spanish, shelob is translated to "she-thespider"
Back in topic, from the original version of LoTR the movie,

Gandalf: You shal not pass!!.... until you pay the transit fee for crossing this bridge

[Sleepy Ranger]

Er yea... you may not get it if you're not a Star Wars fan or a Gamer.

[Sleepy Ranger]

Do the wave for the Disco Troll!

[Parmawen]

Allright, I know this horribly corny, but it works for even people who aren't totally into Lord of the Rings.

Legolas: Oh no! I've lost my lego's. I'm Lego-less!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

[Elu Ancalime]

I thought this was so funny. I just got done watching the first half of the Georgia Tech-Utah football game(if your not familiar with american footbal, um, it still works) and Georgia Tech threw a Hail Mary pass on one of the last plays before the half ended. The player who caught the ball was Damarus Bilbo! I loved it. He turned around and his name stretched across the tv screen, oh i wanted a camera then!
________
NEW CLASS

[Morsul the Dark]

strider is known for his unusually long stride hobbits have a tough time keeping up with people anyway think about it a ranger being chased by four out-of-breath hobbits

[narfforc]

How do you make an Orc cross?






Nail two of them together........

[narfforc]

Two Orcs are sat on guard at the eaves of Fangorn, the first turns to the other and complains about his empty stomach and the maggoty bread. The second Orc says: Just think it was only a week ago that we ate the minstral from that wandering band called Verve. The first Orc said: Oh I could just sink my fangs into that juicy foot again, what bit did you get, he asked. Oh I got myself A Bit of Sweet Arm and Knee, said the second Orc.

[The 1,000 Reader]

As the Morgul Lord rode through the gates, the White Rider confronted him.

Hiding in the rubble, a few soldiers of Gondor gained hope. Each muttered to each other what they were thinking. "We're saved! The White Rider will destroy this foe!" said one cheerful youth. "He has victory already!" said another, "He is other-worldly, he can defeat this entire army alone." "Foolish Mordor, do they really think that Gandalf could lose?" In reply, another warrior stated; "Gandalf is about to doom his foe. He has showed his generosity to us once more."

****************************************

'Do this Gandalf, do that Gandalf, lead us because I'm crazy Gandalf. Oh, fight the un-dead magical warlord Gandalf, I'm sure you can beat him easily even though you said he could match you. Why do I end up doing everyone else's job? Who do they think I am, Eru?' With a sigh, Gandalf straightened himself on Shadowfax and prepared for his second death match.

The rest, as we all know, is history.

[The Elf-warrior]

Where does Sauron spend all his time?

In the ICU.

How do Orcs greet each other?

Hai.

What do you get when you cross Pippin with a Troll?

A retarded Troll.

What do you get when you cross Denethor with a cow?

Barbeque.

[HerenIstarion]

Gandalf coming in to have a mug or two with Butterbur sees Aragorn lying on the road with his ear to the ground:

G. Valar be with you, Aragorn, I see you are being rangering... What is it?
A. Big wain with breelanders in is nearby. The wain is pulled by two horses - one chestnut and one motley. Wain's left rear wheel is creaky. There are ten of them, one of them is very fat and another is very bold, and they are all drunk as cobblers.
G. There is no ranger like you, Aragorn! You've heard it all by earth trembling, now don't you?
A. No, these blockheads just knocked me down!

[narfforc]

Q: What's the connection between Saruman the White, Gandalf the Grey and Radagast the Brown.










A: They all have same middle name.

[The 1,000 Reader]

"And so the last High King of the Noldor and the father of Isildur wrestled with Sauron on the plains of Gorgoroth. Long was the battle and many a crowd did it gather, for a fee of sixty dollars. And the kings tried a double closeline, yet the Dark Lord grabbed their necks, walked about the entire ring yelling to the audience, and then finally choke-slammed them into the ground. But lo! The kings swung their legs up high, and both impacted on the back of Sauron's skull, sending him reeling forward and loosening his grip. The duo rolled out of the falling weight's path, stood up, and then kicked Sauron like sissies. When his head ceased to throb, the Dark Lord thrust his elbows into the soles of their feet, and they gave a shout and fell.

When ground met the kings Sauron rose above them, and Elendil was wounded by a kick to his ribs. Gil-Galad attempted to regain his footing, but he was given a fist in his face and returned to the ashen soil. Up was the Noldor leader raised by the hand of Sauron, and twice was he brought back down by the other hand of the Ringlord. Vision fading, Gil-Galad was dragged to his feet, prepared to let the darkness of his mind carry him away from the next blow. Yet when his hope had teetered on the edge, the Dark Lord's arm was caught, and when he turned to look it was he who was hit in the face. And as the Dark One staggered backwards, Gil-Galad caught himself in his fall and brought himself up with foe in hand, and over his shoulder did Sauron get thrown.

Seeing an opportunity, ruler of both Elf and Man took each a leg of the shadow and brought it harshly on a land just as harsh. With no hesitation, Elendil and Gil-Galad pounced upon Mordor's master, and let their fists abuse the fearsome face of Sauron. On they went until a hand was driven into their each of their guts, and the winded warriors were taken by the servant of Bauglir. Their heads met the other with force, and when the skulls had halted upon the other a third cranium, that of the Dark Lord's, crashed into theirs. Again tumbled Elendil and Gil-Galad, and the feet of the Dark Lord danced over them. With his hate of the elves resolving his mind, Sauron lifted his foot over the High King Gil-Galad, son of Fingon. But when the foot came down up went Gil-Galad's hands, and with great strength and a powerful jerk the Dark Lord crumbled and painfully impacted onto the ruined fields of his realm. Gil-Galad returned the stomps given to him, yet suddenly halted. Panic took hold of Sauron, and in his rush to return to his feet did he meet Gil-Galad's trap.

When Sauron had regained his full height the lord of the elves leapt forward, and he thrust his foot towards the skies and aimed at the face of the Abhorred. O such sweet Chin Music rang that day, to be repeated in all the ages to follow! Sauron fell off his feet on contact. However, long had it been since Gil-Galad could find rest or water, and so as the Dark Lord was sent down did the heat exhaustion of Gil-Galad prove too much, and there he died on that day when the flailing hand of Sauron brushed against him. The defiant descendent of Fingon caught with his eyes his ally in battle gaining a second wind. He would never see again.

A rage filled Elendil, hatred for the one who assisted in the tainting of his homeland and the one who caused his elvish friend to die. He took his helm in hand from his head, and akin to a wild beast did Elendil dash forward and trample Sauron's body in his approach to the fallen Elf-Lord. He stood over the fallen body, and the sight of it maddened him even more. To the skies did his helmet fly, accompanied by a terrible yell. His momentum still with him, Elendil turned on his feet and ran to the fallen Maia. The side of Sauron he reached before driving all of his power and movement upwards with his arm. With a last, furious gaze did Elendil cast himself towards Sauron.

Long preserved in song was that moment. The beastly king rushed to his fallen foe, and with the power of his arm thrown down ahead of him did Elendil take vengence. The (Free) People's Elbow crushed the throat and all the rest of Sauron's neck, and the second shadow over Middle-Earth had taken a mortal blow. Still do elves weep over the other result of the assault. Poor King Elendil was an old man, even for one of Numenorian blood, and his heart no longer strived for his life, and so perished Elendil, founder of Arnor.

There was no man standing who could take victory now, thus it seemed that the royalty of the Last Alliance had broken itself in vain, and the influence of Sauron would continue to exist. Just when hope seemed lost, a shout tore through the valley, and from a freshly-slaughtered horde of orcs did Elendil's only living son Isildur rush to the personal battlefield. Through the audience he came, and down the ramp leading to the grounds he went and he dropped over the body of the Dark Lord. One count he remained over Sauron and then for a second he lay there. And when the worst expectations of man and elf were thought to come, the third count had arrived. With shock that the Dark Lord did not rise at the last moment, all were stunned until a single voice rose up in cheer. So followed all the voices of man and elf, drowning out the horrified ones of the orcs and trolls.

And so passed the Second Age's greatest conflict."

[Thenamir]

[FADE UP]

[INTERIOR, CAVE/MINE LAUNDRY AREA. A DWARF is taking dirty clothes from a basket and placing them into a large open washtub. He is approached by a SECOND DWARF who observes the FIRST DWARF in action.]

FIRST DWARF: [grumbles loudly]

SECOND DWARF: Hi, Gloom, son of Glum. What'cha grumblin' about? Not that you need an excuse...

FIRST DWARF: Oh, it's you, Gleam son of Beam. [sighs] It's just these mine-working clothes. Ever since I started digging for the mithril I just can't seem to get the grey out. My whites look like they've been washed in a pipeweed ashcan.

SECOND DWARF: [looking over FIRST DWARF's shoulder] That's because you're using that homemade soap alone.

FIRST DWARF: But I've always used it! How do you get your grimy work clothes so clean after a day in the mines?

SECOND DWARF: You need the awesome whitening power of [Holds up bottle of] BALROX BLEACH!

FIRST DWARF: [quizzically] Balrox?

SECOND DWARF: [taking the cork from the bottle and pouring the contents liberally into the washtub] Sure!

ANNOUNCER: [voice over as FIRST DWARF begins scrubbing his clothes on a washboard in the washtub] Balrox Bleach is made from pure lake-water from the uttermost foundations of stone combined with only the finest demons of the ancient world! Guaranteed to leech every bit of dirt (and color) from your clothes, leaving them their whitest!

FIRST DWARF: [holding up a gleaming white tunic] That's amazing!

ANNOUNCER: [voice over as THE TWO DWARVES admire the newly cleaned tunic] And Balrox is safe for sensitive hands, without leaving that disgusting "White-Hand" residue.

FIRST DWARF: [grinning, looking at his hands] And it leaves my hands soft and silky-smooth!

SECOND DWARF: Wow! Those look just like my wife's hands!

FIRST DWARF: [serious tone] I am your wife.

[A beat passes, then they both begin laughing]

ANNOUNCER: [voice over, close up picture of BALROX BLEACH bottle] Take it from Gandalf, Balrox whitens clothes clean. [DISCLAIMER, spoken very quickly] Balrox is a corrosive and should not be used for cleaning chainmail or leather products. Do not expose to sparks or open flames. Another fine product from Mogul Enterprises.]

[FADE OUT]

[The 1,000 Reader]

(Sam charges at the gates of Cirith Ungol and knocks himself out)

*Five seconds pass*

Orc:...anybody hear something?

Shagrat: It sounded like somebody charged at the gate. Let's check it out.

----------------

I always wondered why the orcs, who had just passed through the gate, didn't hear Sam smack right into it and knock himself out at the end of Two Towers.

[Finduilas]

At the counsil of Elrond, when Legolas is telling about how they treated Gollum, taking him for walks etc. Gloin starts up and says, "You didn't treat us that well."
Legolas replied with, " Well, we had some hope for him."

[The 1,000 Reader]

I just remembered how I actually wanted Gil-Galad to die in the story on page three. Here it is.

"And the Dark Lord rose in fear of a mighty blow, only to meet one directly in the stomach. Hunched over in pain Sauron was, and in that moment Gil-Galad took hold of his head, turned around, and let his weight fall, causing the Dark Lord to crash down on the Elf-King's shoulder. With a massive force, Sauron lurched backwards from his blow, landing on his back. Gil-Galad righted himself and let out an enthusiastic shout. In his frenzy, the Elf-King took up two fallen bottles, ran them through a nearby stream, and then poured them on himself in his celebration. But lo, the stream was one of lava from Mount Doom, and so Gil-Galad fell by his own hand that day, for High Elf or not, lava was lava."

I didn't put much effort in it, since I just wanted to put this out instead of edit it into the story. Anyway, Gil-Galad basically kicked Sauron and did the Stone Cold Stunner. Then he yelled in victory (something appropriate, not Stone Cold's "Oh **** yeah!"), and poured lava on himself like Stone Cold poured beer on himself. But it was lava, so he killed himself.

[Brinniel]

Ooh...a place for me to post my Boromir the Photographer story. It's something I made up years ago, back when I was watching FotR with a friend. I think I told the story to a few Downers, but only to those who asked to hear it by PM. So, finally I will let everyone hear it and post it here.

Btw, I wrote this back in 2003 (when I was only...15), so don't expect anything particularly amazing...

Enjoy!

-------------------------------------

Boromir was not a professional photographer. It was a special hobby of his, kind of like how Legolas's hobby is brushing his hair. He first took his camera (which was specially made for him in Gondor) on his journey to Rivendell. In fact, the only reason Boromir managed to survive the extremely long Council of Elrond was by using the camera to captivate the serious and thoughtful faces of the others at the council. And the only reason Boromir agreed to join the fellowship was because they needed a photographer (at least that’s what they said).

Boromir took rolls of scenic photos throughout the journey, and even managed to take some during the battle in Moria. Unfortunately, tragedy struck when the fellowship reached Khazad-dum. While fleeing from the balrog, Boromir found himself trying to keep balance at the edge of a stairway, losing his camera in the process. He tried to grab it, nearly falling into the abyss himself, but luckily Legolas grabbed him just in time and saved him. All was not well with Boromir.
"My camera!" he wailed. "My beautiful camera...is gone." He reached out for his lost item.
"Forget about it!" shouted Legolas. "You must save yourself, first. Your life is more important than some camera."
Boromir had no time to argue, for the balrog was coming nearer and once again, it was time for the fellowship to run. So, across the bridge they went, with Aragorn and Legolas practically dragging the sobbing Boromir.

Meanwhile, Gandalf fought the balrog. As the balrog, fell into abyss, Gandalf cried out to Boromir, "Do not worry, Boromir! I will retrieve your camera." And then he jumped.

Gandalf's sacrifice for his camera cheered up Boromir slightly, but still, all was not well. Now the hobbits were blaming Boromir for Gandalf's tragic death. Nevertheless, the fellowship continued their way to Lothlorien, with Aragorn in the lead.

And now we will skip to the gift giving scene, since nothing interesting happens in Lorien (well, nothing about Boromir, at least).

Boromir was the last to receive his gift, but he waited patiently, hoping that Galadriel had something better for him than three strands of her hair. And then it was his turn.
"I know you have suffered a terrible loss, Boromir," Galadriel said. "Your camera, given to you by your father, has fallen into shadow. I know I cannot make up for such a loss, but I will try. And so, to you I give another camera, made by the elves of the Golden Wood. And along with that, I give you five rolls of Elven film."
"Elven film?" Boromir questioned.
"Yes," Galadriel nodded. "It is in color."
Boromir beamed with happiness and no other member of the fellowship was as satisfied with their gift as him; not even Gimli.
"Hmph," Gimli muttered to himself. "Why did I ask for three stupid strands of hair? I could've gotten a brand new axe."

Unfortunately, all ended that fateful day when Boromir suspected Frodo of taking one of his rolls of film.
"It should be mine!" he shouted, chasing after the hobbit. "Give it to me!"
And then the very frightened Frodo put on the Ring and disappeared.
Boromir, realizing the missing roll of film was in his pocket the entire time, cried out, “Frodo! Frodo! Frodo, I’m sorry.”

Not long after, the Uruk Hai came and Boromir was fatally wounded in battle. Aragorn rushed to his side, but Boromir already knew it was too late; his dream of becoming a professional photographer was shattered. And so, he made his decision.
"I pass my duty as photographer to you," he uttered as he gave the camera to Aragorn. "Use the camera, wisely. Do not waste film." And then he died.

Aragorn took the camera and did as Boromir told him. When Gandalf the White arrived he took the film shot in Moria to develop, but Boromir's first camera was wrecked beyond repair (the Elven camera was better, anyway). To this day, Aragorn still uses the camera and was even the photographer for his own wedding (to Arwen’s annoyance). He has become a professional photographer along with becoming king.

-----------------------------------------------

[Lord Halsar]

During the time of the Music of the Ainur, Melkor created the second melody. in truth, he had borrowed it from the band we know as "Korn" when he was watching Eru look at the future Arda.
When Melkor finally played it, Eru said "Hey! you stole that from Korn! ". Then, Yavana strode over to Melkor and slapped him across the face.
"What was that for?!" he cried.
"For taking my idea. And i would have gotten away with it too. if it werent for you meddlesome Vala and your stupid werewolves!"

Kinda Korny... that was too.
Sorry.

[Finduilas]

When the first LotR movie went out, my older brother and sister went to watch it, opening night, I believe. My other sister and I were very disappointed that we were unable to go also, as we had read and loved the book. When they came back we asked our brother how it was. We knew nothing about the movie, hadn’t seen any pictures or anything. In answer he handed us a paper with this written on it:

“ADAPTING THE BOOK FOR HOLLYWOOD

TO: Miramax Studios
From: Storyline Editor
Re: ‘Lord of Rings’ story

Ok, Jack – I read this grossly oversized book, and I think we can handle it, but we have got to slim-n-trim this one big time to get it into our 2:07 frame. Luckily 2/3 of this book is just dead weight. Proposed cuts:
· Merry and Pippin, or at least one of them. Too easy to confuse. Too many Hobbits.
· Sam. Sure, he’s got the supporting role, but isn’t Frodo’s lone struggle against impossible odds twice as heroic without him?
· Faramir. Wussy, non-heroic character – all he does is to get shot and lie around in agony. A waste of scenes. Better to keep Boromir alive, use him in later scenes.
· Imrahil. Who cares?
· Saruman. Needles duplication of a villain.
· Kingdom of Rohan & its inhabitants. Needles duplication of a kingdom.
· Ent. Talking trees? Makes me think of ‘the Wizard of Ox’.
· Nine Black Riders. Reduce to three.

Some general critiques:

Dividing up the plot into two lines after they come down the Big River. No good. Keep the plot straight, have them all go to Minas Tirith, then all go to Mordor.

This reverse-psychology business with the Ring – no good. Confuses the audience. Suggest new ending: Frodo takes the ring, then fights duel with Sauron. Big fight on Mount Doom. Sauron blasts him wit helectric bolts form his fingertips. Frodo lies dying on the mountain. Suddenly the Chief Nazgul says ‘I am your father., Frodo,” picks up Sauron and throws him down the volcano. Big eruption. Segue to final ceremony scene. Whaddaya think?

P.S. Can we get some submachine guns in this story? Maybe studded with spikes all over to give them a medieval look?”

He handed this to us with an entirely straight face. We sat there a moment in disbelief, but finally asked my sister that had gone, and she set us straight.

[HerenIstarion]

[Nerwen]

Was this by any chance inspired by the Evil Overlord list item:

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Well, you are making fun of this, but about half a year ago there were papers on all the bus stops around my home with the text:

"Will reward anyone who finds and returns a gold ring. Without stone, but with inscribed characters. It is an old family treasure. Call (...)"

And some vandal wrote on one of these papers:

"Don't believe him! - F. Baggins"

[Nerwen]

Are you serious?

[Legate of Amon Lanc]

Yes, really. Shame I didn't take a photo of it. Well, there was also written which characters are inscribed there, but I don't remember it and it doesn't matter anyway.

[Nerwen]

That's one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

[Estelyn Telcontar]

[narfforc]

A man and his wife visit the doctor complaining about the lack of sleep. 'He keeps me awake all night speaking in Elven tongue' moans the wife. 'I can't help it doctor, all night I dream that I wrote The Lord of the Rings' said the man. The doctor goes to his bookshelf and gets down a massive tome, looking through it he takes a few notes then closed it. Turning to the man he say, 'My diagnosis is that you've been Tolkien in your sleep'.

[Urwen]

In Numenor:
Ar-Pharazon: Yo! Beautiful Valinor!
Valar: Sorry, Eru doesn't allow visitors!
(A bunch of rocks falls and covers Pharazon)

(Back in Numenor;Sauron is walking,when his cat blocks his way)
Shelob: I'm HUNGRY!
(Sauron tries to free himself;Miriel, Elentir, Amandil, Elendil,Isildur and Anarion come out of his temple.)
Elendil: Anarion,that was such a clever idea!
Anarion(sheepishly):It's nothing,really...
Isildur: Good to see Sauron eaten
Amandil: And Pharazon has died by now.Good you convinced him to go conquer Valinor,brother!
Elentir(waves a hand):I did it for Miriel.
Miriel: My victory!
Shelob: Thanks,I needed food!

[Urwen]

In Gondolin....

Turgon: Welcome, kinsman, for I consider thou as such.

Eol(makes fishy noises,then...)

Eol: I don't care about you! I came to drag my wife and son back!

Turgon: So you love my sister and nephew?

Eol: Not exactly...Aredhel and Maeglin stole Anguirel...You know how it is...


(Turgon, Aredhel and Maeglin roll their eyes. Eol smiles victoriously.)

[narfforc]

How many Istari does it take to change a light bulb?......................It would depend on what they were trying to change it into.

[Morsul the Dark]

Originally Posted by Morsul the Dark

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

I like this joke still

[Pitchwife]

Originally Posted by Morsul

Here is my super-sad joke
how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

You know what, this is subtler than it looks - all you have to do is read it aloud!