ME jokes and funny stories

[Morsul the Dark]

Here is my super-sad joke

Whats Gamling's hobby?

Gambling....

How did Gandalf the grey become gandalf the white?
He finally decided to wash the dirt of his cloak

another dumb one

how many dwellings can two hobbits make by themselves?
one
(two halflings make a whole) hahahaha i tried

[HerenIstarion]

Two orks in Mordor

O1: It's quite boring down here
O2: Why won't we have fun with that hairy-feet halfling in the dungeon, than?
O1: Can't. The wretched rat dug up too many holes down there, no way of finding him. Says holes make him feel comfortable, dratted rabbit!

[The Perky Ent]

Good ones! Here's another:

Feanor: If you must break it, do it. But know I will kill myself and be the first of the Eldar to die
Manwe: Not the first
Feanor: What do you mean, not the first?
Manwe: You'll be the 23ed to spill your blood.
Feanor: Who died?
Manwe: Tons of elves at Formenos! Didn't you hear? The stock market collasped. Everyone was invested in SIL, and when Morgoth took the simarils, it crashed. There's been 21 suicides.
Feanor: 21? Who's the other person that died?
Manwe: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, your father died
Feanor: Morgoth! I'll kill him!
Manwe: Actually, he had a heart attack. Bad Cholesterol. Shame really
Feanor: This is turing out to be a really bad day

[HerenIstarion]

The Doors of Sauron, Lord of Mordor. Speak, foe, and clear off! Your pathetic incantations are pestering!

[The Perky Ent]

Or how about

The Walls of Isildur, Lord of Minas Tirith, speak seven, and enter

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

"In case you haven't noticed, you've got an arrow sticking out your back."

Ouch.

[The Perky Ent]

Seriously.


New Entry!

Luthien: Please bring Beren and me back to life!
Mandos: Hmm...I'm gonna have to ask my manager on that one. One sec
*goes into back room*
Mandos: Let's see here, where did I put that manuel. Hmm...ah! Here it is! Right under Gardening for dummies! I forgot to give that back to Lorien. Now, let's see here. Reviving the dead...reviving the dead....here! Let's see, you're gonna have to sing me a song!
Luthien: No problem! Here's we go....*voice cracks and is mute*
Mandos: Whadayaknow! Larengitis! How's that for luck. Well, call me if that ever goes away, but I doubt it. Thanks for comming. Do stop by again!
*Luthien gestures to manuel*
Mandos: What about the manuel? Something about Larengitis? Let's see...in the case that said reviver cannot sing, said person will be compensated with one soul
Luthien: *inaudible speak*
Mandos: So, who's it gonna be?
*Luthien tries to say Beren*
Mandos: What's that? Carcharoth, you say? Well ok! It's your life!
Carcharoth: Well, if it helps....you can have his hand?
Luthien: *nods*

After they all lived (after making some adjustments) happily ever after!

[The Perky Ent]

Sauron: Hello Gil-Galad!
*grabs Gil-Galad by the neck*
Sauron: I AM THE DARK LORD, WEILDING THE ONE RING! I AM ALL POWERFUL!
Gil-Galad: Um...Ow
*bursts into flames*
Gil-Galad: Um...ow
*starts raining*
Gil-Galad: Wow...that was lucky....

[HerenIstarion]

You know the difference between the bed-time tales elves and orks tell their children?

Elven tales begin with ‘once upon a time, in a fair kingdom far away...’, whilst orkish ones with ‘hey, little swine, you rats never gonna believe what ole’ snaga gonna tell ya, uglúk u bagronk sha pushdug tark-glob búbhosh skai...”


***

- There is a good tradition in Mordor to plant a tree every time ork child is born. Only, if child grows up and is ugly, they fell the tree
- So?
- So the Mordor is one good bulk of a desert...

***

- Good morning, Master Hamfast
- And good day to you, Mister Baggins, good day!
- Tell me, Master Hamfast, does your cow smoke pipe-weed?
- No, Mister Baggins, sir, she does not, but why may you be a-speaking such a thing, sir?
- Ah, there is a smoke coming out of a cow-shed, maybe there is a fire there, than...

[The Perky Ent]

lol Heren, Snaga reminds me of a lotta people. Down here in the south, there's lots of Cajun, and Snaga sounded sorta like it. "We gonna get thos gumbo and put it en da pot. Bring it down to the cocodrie. Latar, we'se bee fishin in the river the otda day...


Those were good though

Here's some more orc and elf bedtime stories.

Elves: They all lived happily ever after

Orcs: You know what? I'm tired and the story's close enough, so go to sleep before I make you go to sleep...permanently.

Elf children: I love that story!

Orc children: Do you think Grishnak will ever find his head?

[HerenIstarion]

Heren, Snaga reminds me of a lotta people

if they add uglúk u bagronk sha pushdug [name of the person]-glob búbhosh skai..., you have your ork, than

[The Perky Ent]

Balrog: Roar! I shall kill you with my fiery fire!
Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire!
Balrog: Secret fire?
Gandalf: Weilder of the flame of Anor
Balrog: Flame of Anor?
Gandalf: The dark fire shall not avail you, flame of Udun?
Balrog: It won't? Ok!
*Balrog walks away*


Director: Cut! Cut! Balrog! You're suppost to try to use the fire anyways!
Balrog: But I thought he said?
Director: Never mind what he said! Just do it!
Balrod: But what about all that secret fire stuff? He sounds like a better fire person than me!
Director: Well...uh...just get back in place! TAKE 2
Assistant: This is Bridge of Khazad-dum! Take 2! Marker!

Gandalf: I am a servant of the secret fire! Weilder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire shall not avail you, Flame of Udun!
Balrog: Oh yeah? Take this!
Gandalf: *summons shield*
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
*Balrog steps and Bridge breaks*
Balrog: Ha! I have wings! I can fly!
Director: Actually, the majority says that you have wings but can't fly
Balrog: Well that sucks.....

that was super funny

[The Perky Ent]

Why thank you very much MasterKiller

[The Perky Ent]

Saruman: I created the Uruk-hai! I am all powerful! I have a big ego problem! Minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known, send in Lurtz!
Orcs: Yes master! *walks out* I don't know why I signed up for this! You don't have to put up for this in Mordor! Well Lurtz, Saruman wants you!
Lurtz: Ok, thanks! *kills minor, less powerful or important orc whos name shall never be known* You wanted to see me?
Saruman: It's time for your daily stamping and brain-washing! Whom do you serve?
Lurtz: I serve myself! Don't even try to stamp me! I'm a mercinary now, and I listen to no one!
Saruman: Fool! Obey me! *hits Lurts with staff*
Lurtz: I dare you to do that one more time...
Saruman: *takes a step foward*


How's that for a cliff-hanger?!?

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

There stood the trolls: three large trolls. One was stooping, and the other stood staring at him.
Strider walked forward unconcernedly. "Get up, old stone!" he said, and broke his stick upon the stooping troll.
"Ouch. That hurts," said the stricken troll, and he turned towards Strider. "What did you do that for?"
The Ranger was flabbergasted. "How could you . . . " he stammered, as he pointed towards the sun.
"We're Olog-hai. Duh!" Then turning to his companions he said, "Guys, bring out the dough. We're having burrahobbit pie with roasted ranger on the side."

THE END???

Wow. That was disconcerting.

[lothlorien]

I had something strange happen today I had my music test it was basically about describing the music like the beat the rythm etc Anyway it was a listening test and the 4th question was on hope and memory from the return of the king.

Hee I was like alright I know when this is I know what scene this is in everyone was in shhh I was like "sorry but I know when this is" and my friend who doesn't like lord of the rings was like "OH NO"

[HerenIstarion]

Some centuries after the fall of Sauron. In Valinor, Celembrimbor (C) and Galadriel (G) converse:

C: Honey, you know, I've been reading one of those modern novels humans write in Hither Lands and we occassionaly get by Palantir transmissions...
G: So, dear, what bothers you?
C: There is a term applied to one of the heroes, I can't get what it may stand for. He acts strangely too... you know, visiting ladies by night, with a ladder! Funny, that. I looked it up in "Laws and Customs Among the Eldar", but could not find anything to match, you know...
G: Yes, dear, I'm listening?
C: And you are so wise, maybe you can explain things to me?
G: Of course, dear, don't be afraid to tell me, what troubles you?
C: Um, what is a 'lover'?
G: A 'lover'? Let me see, I seem to remember something... lover, lover, hm-mm... Ah, yes, I remember!

Galadriel runs swiftly to the wardrobe and jerks the door open.

G: Here, dear, this is the lover!

Indicating the small bearded skeleton crouched in the far corner of it...

***

Going back to the initial post, on page one:

Evening in Rivendell. Same company - Elrond, his council and Gandalf, some dozen people overall, by the hearth. Again, some coughs, muttering, swearing from the roof, some scrabbing in the chimney followed by some dozen of bright golden rings falling out.

Elrond: Surely, it's Frodo having his excercise again? Is it not a bit late? They set out tomorrow!
Gandalf: No, you forget it's Christmas. It's Santa Claus, he brought us presents according to our ultimate desire...

[Zebedee]

(Gandalf standing on bridge, Balrog coming)
Gandalf: I am a servent of the secret fire
Balrog: What secret fire.
Gandalf: Oops, gave it away, going to have to kill you now.


How many orcs does it take to change a light bulb?
12, one to threaten them with a Nazgul, one to screw it in, and ten to fight of Sauruman's Uruk-hai who have orders not to use it.

[The Perky Ent]

Aragorn: There it is! The Bridge of Khazad-Dum!
Legolas: Oh great!
Aragorn: Look! There's the Balrog from chapter 24!
Gandalf: What's he doing here?
Aragorn: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. He asks each traveller five questions--
Gimli: Three Questions
Aragorn: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions.
Aragorn: three questions, may cross in safety.
Legolas: What if you get a question wrong?
Aragorn: Then you are cast...into the Endless drop of Moria!!!!
Legolas: Oh, I won't go!
Gimli: Who's going to answer the questions?
Aragorn: Legolas!
Legolas: Yes?
Aragorn: Brave Sir Legolas, you go!
Legolas: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Boromir go?
Boromir: Yes, le me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded. I shall make a feint to the North-East, and then--
Aragorn: No, no, no...hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Gimli: Three questions--
Aragorn: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch...and pray!
Boromir: I understand, my liege.
Aragorn: Good luck, brave Sir Boromir! God be with you!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Boromir: Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Boromir: My name is Sir Boromir of Minas Tirith!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Boromir: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Boromir: Blue.
Balrog: Right, off you go.
Boromir: Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much.
Legolas: That's easy!
Balrog: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Legolas: As me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid!
Balrog: What is your name?
Legolas: Sir Legolas of Mirkwood!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Legolas: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the capital of Cardolan?
Legolas: I don't know THAT!! AHHHHHHHHHH!
*The Balrog whips Legolas off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Gimli: Sir Gimli of Erebor!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Gimli: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is your favorite color?
Gimli: Blue! No...YELLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!
*Balrog whips Gimli off the Bridge into the chasm*
Balrog: Stop! What is your name?
Aragorn: It is Aragorn, Chieftan of the Dunedain!
Balrog: What is your quest?
Aragorn: To destory the ring of power!
Balrog: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen fell-beast?
Aragorn: What do you mean? From Mordor, or Carn Dum?
Balrog: Huh? What? I...I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Balrog slips off Bridge into the chasm*
Gandalf: How do you know the airspeed velocity of fell-beasts?
Aragorn: Well you have to know these things when your chieftan!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Very nice Perky!

[HerenIstarion]

... Sam can gather 5 pounds of bilberries in an hour, whilst Rosie can gather 4 pounds. But if they go to the forest to gather bilberries together, it does not necessarily follow that they will gather 9 pounds in an hour’s time...

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

How many Nazgul does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nine, one to screw it in and the rest to hunt down and destroy all lightbulbs...



How many orcs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Not known, they started fighting about who would screw it in...



How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, their staffs work just fine...



Ten Nazgul commandments:

Thou shalt not put "Roar if you think I'm Sexy' stickers on fell beasts...

Thou shalt not roar if thou seest a 'Roar if you think I'm sexy sticker'...

Thou shalt not call thy fell beast a 'ride' nor use the phrase 'If the fell beast be a rockin' don't come a knockin''

Thou shalt not laugh at orcs...

Thou shalt not push orcs into a river 'just for fun'...

Thou shalt not hit orcs 'to see what noise it makes'

Thou shalt not listen to 'Back in Black' before a battle...

Thou shalt not sell thy fell beast for a car because 'it's so much more pimp'...

Thou shalt not refer to orc seige towers as 'pimp wagons'...

Thou shalt not refer to Sauron as 'the big black pimp'

[Mithalwen]

The lightbulb ... well I had a theory in another forum that the menfolk of the Noldor would be the Elvish equivalent of husbands who spend their entire lives tinkering with inventions and gadgets in their shed. Now given that Feanor was the most gifted in craft of the Noldor AND had more childen than any other elf either, it seems probable that he was "shed-husband" par excellance, and liable to go completely over the top when Nerdanel wanted any little tasks done around the house - and produced the silmarils when what she really wanted was basically a light bulb;

Feanor "But look I have created the most marvellous gems in the world, made of unbreakable material, filled with the lights of the two trees.....blah, blah"

Nerdanel " I only said that would be good to have a lamp that wouln't set the house on fire if the kids knocked it over...... and they have all grown up while I hve waited for you to make those...."

I reckon the Palantiri were the result of him getting carried away when basically she just wanted a baby monitor.... :P

[Lindril Arvilya]

Scene: In Minas Tirith, Denethor has decided to finally take the war into his own hands....

Denethor: (typing madly on his laptop) I know! I'll hack into Sauron's database and find out exactly what he's got!
Gandalf: Denethor, he's got firewalls all around his-
D: Shut up Gandalf, I know what I'm doing!
G: No, Denethor, don't-
D: Crap! He's got me! This shouldn't have.... Faramir! What did you do to the computer?!
Faramir: (comes running in) I didn't touch the computer!
D: Shut up and help me!
F: Dad, if you'd only give me something other than that old Tandy, maybe I could-
D: If Boromir was here, he could have stopped this! Go use the MAC!
F: NOOOOOOO!

Cut to a shot of the Eye of Sauron... look closely. You think it's a pupil, but it's really..... the Apple symbol!

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Here's one I thought up long ago.

What if Frodo was brought before Sauron?

Sauron was pacing the room, evidently annoyed at Frodo's defiant silence. "So! You refuse to speak before my dark majesty, halfling? Let us change that, then." However, he did not notice that a black scarf effectively prevented Frodo from articulating.

"Sir . . . " the Mouth of Sauron began, trembling, "if I may say so before Your Eternal Evil . . . "

"WHAT?!" boomed Sauron. "Speak!"

"I think the gag hinders his attempts at communication."

"Hmmm . . . yes. Remove it, then." The order was carried out with promptness that would have impressed Gandalf--never late, never early he is, right?

"Now, rat, speak! Where is . . . my preciousssss?"

"Ummm . . . your fly is open?" Frodo responded with what dignity left to him by his . . . erm . . . naked position?

"Haha. We Dark Lords never had flies. And add to that the fact that the zipper wasn't even invented yet. Now cut the crap and tell me where the noisy--yet irresistable--thing is, you
. . . "

Before Sauron could finish his derogative statement, Shelob, alerted to the presence of free repast, rushed to Barad-dûr at high speed, and climbed the high tower with ease. There, she broke the walls that protected the interrogation room. She snatched Sauron, then wrapped her in web before anyone in the room could say "The spiders are coming!"

Having finished incapacitating the Abhorred One, she returned to her lair. All in the room stood in utter silence, not so much in shock, but in fear that if anyone laughed, Sauron might come back to punish them.

But, seeing that Sauron would never return, all in the chamber began to roll in laughter.

"'Your fly is open.' Frodo, that's a good one!" the Mouth of Sauron managed to say between convulsive fits of laughter.

"Well, that was entertaining!" Ungoliant responded, as she put down the book she was reading, aptly titled How Shelob Brought Sauron Down.

I metta.

[Boromir88]

Denethor putting baby Boromir to bed....

Denethor: Let me sing you a lullaby.

Rock a by baby on the White tower...

(baby Faramir starts crying).
Denethor: Shut up and go to sleep, stupid wanton.

[Boromir88]

Following Perky's wonderful story from Monty Python, I had a bunch on "The Princess Bride," and "Monty Python" But I can only remember a few...

(At the Black Gates)
Aragorn: Give us the gate key.
Mouth of Sauron: I have no gate key.
Legolas: Gimli rip off his arms.
Mouth of Sauron: Oh you mean this gate key.

-----------

Isildur (to Sauron): Hello my name is Isildur, son of Elendil, you killed my father. Prepare to die!

----------
(Lurtz the immortal Black Uruk)

(Lurtz and Boromir engage in battle. Lurtz kills Boromir. Aragorn runs in.)
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I am King Aragorn, I must cross to my friend.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I have no quarrel with you black uruk, but I must cross.
Lurtz: Then you must die.
(Start fighting, Aragorn chops off Lurtz's arm)
Aragorn: You are beaten.
Lurtz: Tis only a scratch.
Aragorn: A scratch! Your arms off!
Lurtz: I've had worse.
Aragorn: you've had...
(They engage in combat again. Aragorn throws knife into Lurtz's leg.
Aragorn walks away. Knife hilt hits him in the back of the head.)
Lurtz: Tis only a flesh wound.
Aragorn: You've faught bravely black uruk. But the fight is mine.
Lurtz: Come on you panzy!
(They engage in combat. Aragorn stabs Lurtz in the chest. Aragorn walks away again, but Lurtz trips him.)
Aragorn: What are you going to do bleed on me?
Lurtz: The Black Uruk always triumphs!
Aragorn: You're a looney. (chops off Lurtz's head and walks away.)
Lurtz: Come back here you yellow-bellied bas**rd! I'll bite your legs off!

I know this isn't exact but, I haven't seen the movie in ages, so bear with me

[HerenIstarion]

Sam in Golden Perch:

Sam: What's the price for just one drop of your finest beer, sir?
Inkeeper: um... what? One drop? Drop comes free, I suppose...
Sam: Very well , pour me out a pint of your finest by drops, than, please!

[narfforc]

1. The Dwarven book of Dating (Dis).

2. The Hobbit Diet Book (Dr Fatty Lumpkin) or The Fatkins Diet.

3. The Orkish Etiquette Book (Gorbag).

4. Advanced Mathematics for Trolls.

5. The Orkish Vegetarian Cookbook (Grishnakh).

6. The Art of Flying (Gothmog the Balrog).

7. Growing Potatoes (Smeagol).

8. Contraception (Sam Gamgee).

9. How to choose your Bride (Bilbo and Frodo Baggins).

10. Fire Safety (Denethor).

[narfforc]

Beorn walks into The Prancing Pony and says to Barliman Butterbur, "A pint of ale and............................................... ...................................a packet of crisps please", Butterbur replies, "Why the big Paws?".

[narfforc]

1. Rivercraft, Sailboats and Canoes (Drogo Baggins).

2. Swimming for Beginners (Primula Baggins).

3. Tree Conservation (Saruman of Many Colours).

4. Recipes for Fried Fish (Gollum).

5. Achieve results, through single-mindedness (Smeagol)
(That`s my book Preciousss, gollum gollum).

6. My part in the Battle of the Last Alliance (King of the Dead).

7. Taking care of your body (Witch-King of Angmar).

8. Glaucoma for Sufferers (The Eye of Sauron).

9. Halitosis for Sufferers (The Mouth of Sauron).

10. A man of substance ( A. Nazgul)

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Famous Last Words

10. "I bet you fifty quid I can shoot myself in the face and survive." (Orc Artcher)

9. "That hole’s not so deep." (Gollum)

8. "Hahaha! Riding around in Mordor while drunk is great." (Orc)

7. "Don’t be stupid. There’s no such thing as Orcs!" (Boromir)

6. "Ooh, look - the uruk wants a kiss!" (A desperate Worm tong)

5. "This electric fire should make my bath water warmer..." (Denethor)

4. "Heh heh. They’ll never find me if I hide in this air-tight box." (Bill Furney)

3. "Ha ha! Stupid wolf!" (Thorin)

2. "Shut-up. I AM Superman. Just watch." (Movie Saruman)

1. "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" (Some one who happened to be on the wall of Helm's deep when it exploded)

ALSO

Middle Earth Phobias

1) Gondaphobia
Fear of Gondorians

2) Hairdfeetaphobia
Fear of hobbits

3) Arachnophobia
Fear of Shelob

4) Saurophobia
Fear of eyes wreathed in flame

5) Doomaphobia
Fear of mount doom

6) Lubursaphobia
Fear of Barrad-dur

7) Spoonaphobia
Fear of Sack-vill Bagginses

8) Nechrophobia
Fear of Barrow Wights

9) Pogonophobia
Fear of Dwarves

10) Limnophobia
Fear of lakes (Most Hobbits have this)

[HerenIstarion]

Despite Sam's view on the subject, Frodo became very famous in the Shire, so all young hobbits were eager to take after him. The situation soon ended in environmental catastrophe in Mordor, as Orodruin was dumped up to its muzzle with all kinds of rings, washers and ball-bearings...

[The Elf-warrior]

What are spiritualist Orcs called?

Medium-Hai.


What is the friendliest fruit?

A Melon.


Gandalf as traffic cop: "You cannot pass!"

[narfforc]

Q. What has got two grey legs and two brown legs?

A. An Oliphaunt with an upset stomach.

Q. What did the orc say after The Battle of the Fords of Isen

A. I am so full, I coulnt eat another mortal.

The King of the Dead walked into The Prancing Pony and asked Butterbur for a drink. Barliman threw him out, saying "We don`t serve spirits in here".

Arwen, Aragorn and Gollum are having a conversation. Arwen say, "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful women that has ever lived, but how do I know?"
Aragorn says,"I sympathise. Everybody tells me that I am the greatest of living men, but how do I know?"
Gollum says, "Everbody tells me I am the most despicable, ugly, grotesque creature that has ever been born, but how do I know?"
Arwen says, Let`s go and ask Gandalf, he is wise. So of they trot.
Arwen goes in first, and a few minutes later comes out and says,"Its true I am the most beautiful woman ever"
Aragorn goes in, and a few minutes later he comes back out saying,"Its true I am the greatest living man"
Gollum goes in, and a few seconds later comes out and says,"Who the hell is Malcolm Glazer".

[Sleepy Ranger]

I'm not sure if this counts as a joke but its something I made.

[The Elf-warrior]

One of the ways Grima Wormtongue gained favor with Theoden was that he would often point out that gas was cheaper at such and such place while traveling in the royal van.

[Gandalf_the _white]

[QUOTE=HerenIstarion]***

Bilbo and Frodo in Rivendell:

B: 'What’s become of my ring, Frodo, that you took away?’
F: ‘I have lost it, Bilbo dear, I got rid of it, you know.’
B: ‘What a pity! I should have liked to see it again. But no, how silly of me! (starts rummaging in his chest) Here! Lucky I've kept the original!


LOL sooooo funny!!!!

[Glirdan]

Hmmm...

Aragorn: The Sword that was broken!! You have remade it!!

Elrond: What? You think that's Narsil? Are you kidding me? I just told Arwen to go out and get a sword with markings on it and give it to you and tell you that it's Narsil. I can't believe you fell for that!!!