The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Hookbill the Goomba]

And this week there is a special story that will both shock and annoy everyone...

The Phantom and Alien continue their adventures, though...

As a special for the 50th week, here are the horoscopes for The Barrow Downs (definitely not made up rubbish) ... (honest):

Tortoise:
Moving slowly? You will get lots of good luck if you buy one of the Downer Newspaper sponsored magic scooters. Seriously, if you do, your day will be better.

Cancer:
If you find yourself faced with a difficult choice, always go with the more expensive brand of high quality Downer brand Cheese. It will make your day much better.

Leprosy:
If an arm or a leg falls off today, don't worry, now you can buy all those expensive things you wanted.

Pikes:
You're sharp wit and pointy head will come in useful today as you have to head but your way out of a crowd of Scorpions. Make sure you knock their heads off.

Papertearious:
Write down what you think will be your greatest achievement and then leave it in a small box outside your door. By morning it will be gone and you will be left very happy...

Scorpion:
Make sure to get close to someone who is a Pike. Bring all your friends that you know to be Scorpions and have a party for your Pike friend. I assure you, nothing will go wrong if you keep your head.

Skindisease:
Go around to a Papertearious' house tonight and you will find a box with their hopes and dreams in it. Use this to blackmail and ridicule them.

Aquarium:
You are fat and wear a stupid hat and should be ashamed of yourself. Go and jump off a bridge.

Diamondineye:
Stay away from bridges. If you have to go near a bridge, wear a hard hat.

[the guy who be short]

Lots of wise advice... but what's my star-sign?

[littlemanpoet]

Is it just me, or is there a subliminal man lying on that hill, head to the left, feet to the right, occupied in a rather Freudian way?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by the guy who be short

Lots of wise advice... but what's my star-sign?

It's anything you want it to be.

Originally Posted by LMP

Is it just me, or is there a subliminal man lying on that hill, head to the left, feet to the right, occupied in a rather Freudian way?

No, it's just you.
The Downer prides itself on not printing anything that is
a) uninteresting,
b) untrue or
c) worthy of this icon:
" "

[Volo]

Well, I guess Aquarium is closest to Aquarius. Hmm... My horoscope tells me that- I'm mad?

[Morai]

It's me too.

[Diamond18]

Diamondi:
Stay away from bridges. If you have to go near a bridge, wear a hard hat.

Thank you! This advice is most useful... if unsettling.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Diamond18

Thank you! This advice is most useful... if unsettling.

Diamondi is supposed to be a parody of Gemini. Come to think of it, Diamondineye would be more appropriate and funny... I think I'll change it to that.

[narfforc]

But I do rule the world, my mummy says I can, and the Government took lots of taxes off me in council tax for having such a large cave to rule from, so there Mr Goombay Dance Band.

[Hilde Bracegirdle]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Papertearious:
Write down what you think will be your greatest achievement and then leave it in a small box outside your door. By morning it will be gone and you will be left very happy...

Ah, some good advice there!

[Rikae]

Originally Posted by littlemanpoet

Is it just me, or is there a subliminal man lying on that hill, head to the left, feet to the right, occupied in a rather Freudian way?

No, it's not just you. That was my first thought as well...

(unless you mean the man on the hill is you...)

Originally Posted by The Downer

Pikes:
You're sharp wit and pointy head will come in useful today as you have to head but your way out of a crowd of Scorpions. Make sure you knock their heads off.

This is surprisingly accurate...

[THE Ka]

Scorpion:
Make sure to get close to someone who is a Pike. Bring all your friends that you know to be Scorpions and have a party for your Pike friend. I assure you, nothing will go wrong if you keep your head.

Awh, sorry, I can't seem to make any friends with such kif and kin. 'Tis sad, I know, but I prefer befriending those who are quite different than I, it teaches you the joy of people being unique.

Plus, you don't have to worry about Pike ambushes so much, quite dreadful and calculative, y'know. That is why Scorpions only meet under the 11th moon of every second leap year when Pike is in the jail house under the sign of...

~ Astrolo-Ka

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Special thanks to the phantom for the mini headlines this week...

The continuing adventures of The Phantom and Alien. The concluding part to this saga next week...

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Rdagast will never get Red. . .it is mine!

I wonder what will happen if Alien was to chop off The Phantom's head.

[Morai]

I wonder what will happen if Alien was to chop off The Phantom's head.

He has a head under that cloak!? I thought he just had a pair of color-changing eyes.....

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by Downer # 51 mini-headline

Poultry Industry to Hold Meetings Upon Amon Hen

Oh dear! Does this mean a hen party?

[Mithalwen]

Ooh I finally made it into the Downer ..... albeit as an alleged terrorist....

[the phantom]

No, no, Mith, m'dear, I wrote you into one of my mini headlines in this edition of The Downer.

[THE Ka]

Eating penguins?

Boff... Despite costs, I find it hard to tackle down a Icadyptes salasi without lossing a few limbs.
Besides, any cake left at the end is given to the large pre-historic species, to prevent attacks upon other small modern fellows, like this diagram illustrates:

Our beloved modern penguins face the appetite of Icadyptes salasi without Barrow cake...

Without cake, it would be a sad day for our beloved barrow penguins.

~ Ka

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by the phantom

No, no, Mith, m'dear, I wrote you into one of my mini headlines in this edition of The Downer.

So you did ..can't believe I missed it - especially since it was in that high profile "Page 910 " slot.....

[Morai]

Have you seen this green box?

By Maurice the Magnificent (and not so trustworthy...)

A recent announcement by the Barrow Wight himself has sent Middle Earth into mayhem from its calmer mirth, according to the Anonymous Source. Apparently, (and hopefully) for the moment, the green boxes have been discontinued. Some...er one person wonders whether or not the great Wight just misplaced them. Anonymous, as his friends (er...friend) refer to him, says that many Barrow Downers are experiencing near deadly withdrawal symptoms. The only reason that no one has died due to the sudden disapearance, is...well--most, if not all Downers are already dead.

To help smooth the transition to the upcoming Reputation system, the Wight has put up a current list of reputations. Anonymous, among others (or so he claims) complain of not see their names on the list. His opponents claim that Anonymous is just a figment of his own imagination.

[littlemanpoet]

Originally Posted by Morai

Have you seen this green box?

Hee hee! I think I'll rep this one. Funny.

Oh. Er, I can't. Sorry.

[Morai]

Haha, Lmp (is that pronounced 'limp?' it's all in your head. Unless of course, I'm the one halucinating.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

That's right people, this week, The Downer Newspaper celebrates one year of providing The Barrow Downs with Truth, justice and News!
If you have enjoyed this year of News, do share with us all you're favorite Downer moments. Vote for your favorite week. Eat a sandwich. Have a party.

For this week, we have a very solemn front page story



And, we cannot forget, The Phantom and Alien. Finishing off this four part serial once and for all...



The first person to ask "Wouldn't that make millions of Aliens?" or "Why doesnt he do that again to Alien?" gets a smack in the mouth.

On Thursday there will be some special stuff to celebrate the day of the Downer!

[littlemanpoet]

Outch! I asked it in my head. You meany.

[Finduilas]

[QUOTE=Hookbill the Goomba;526769]

The first person to ask "Wouldn't that make millions of Aliens?" or "Why doesnt he do that again to Alien?" gets a smack in the mouth.

QUOTE]

So is LMP is the one who gets it?

Why doesn't he do that again to Alien?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The film industry is always eager to jump on the possibility of making a quid or two from other people's suffering and dispossession. And here on The Barrow Downs it is no different. In anticipation of the official first anniversary of The Downer Newspaper, here is a film that you will be seeing in your local sleezy cinema some time soon...



The Film itself is completely useless. There is virtually no story line and it would seem that it was thrown together in about twelve minutes. Which is impressive as the film is more than two hours long. All that happens is that the main characters just stand around complaining about the weather and alluding to the loss of their reputation points.

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

The film industry is always eager to jump on the possibility of making a quid or two from other people's suffering and dispossession. And here on The Barrow Downs it is no different. In anticipation of the official first anniversary of The Downer Newspaper, here is a film that you will be seeing in your local sleezy cinema some time soon...



The Film itself is completely useless. There is virtually no story line and it would seem that it was thrown together in about twelve minutes. Which is impressive as the film is more than two hours long. All that happens is that the main characters just stand around complaining about the weather and alluding to the loss of their reputation points.

Despite a poor showing in the cinemas, I rather think it will be optioned by the televison industry, Hookbill. I can imagine a Barrow Downs Reputation Lost series, filmed on some idyll island off the east coast of Scotland, in which members try to interpret the esoteric meaning of their reputation number, discover hidden hatches in the barrow, face strange bears who they think are wolves--madly refuting any references to Pullman's bears--and constantly put down other Barrow Downers, who are known as "The Others." They all think they landed on the island when the Great Eagle who was carrying them crashed but they have no idea how it happened. The plot evolves with their backstories, showing how, very strangely, they are all related to each other through some nefarious writer's engimatic efforts.



PS. I invite all and sundry to a roast of the Downer on The Slapsauce Fellows thread. *smootchies*

[Lalwendë]

Who's Steve?

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

I can imagine a Barrow Downs Reputation Lost series, filmed on some idyll island off the east coast of Scotland, in which members try to interpret the esoteric meaning of their reputation number, discover hidden hatches in the barrow..

Sounds like that KLF Rites Of Mu slice of weirdness

[Fordim Hedgethistle]

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

They all think they landed on the island when the Great Eagle who was carrying them crashed but they have no idea how it happened. The plot evolves with their backstories, showing how, very strangely, they are all related to each other through some nefarious writer's engimatic efforts.

But will they have lunch, supper or dinner?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Sorry to double post, I really hate doing that. But I promised a special something to commemorate the official day of the Downer.
Yes, that's right, one year ago today, we started with a sensational story about an Evil Genius taking over the world. Now we have assassinated editors, terrorist plots and Penguin armies.
So, many of you may be wondering what else goes into the Downer. Well I'm not going to tell you, but what I will do is show you the back page of this week's paper...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

This week, The Downer makes a pointless attempt to enter the future…



But The Phantom and Alien are not impressed and so stayed as they were



An interesting thing I'll point out for this week's P&A. In the last frame, Alien was originally holding a saw covered in blood. I removed it because I thought it was too sick.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

I miss DOS !

[THE Ka]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

I removed it because I thought it was too sick.

Before I read what Alien actually said, I thought at first that Phantom was actually going to do him in.
Horrible isn't it? Good thing we all take some forethought...

~ Ka

[Diamond18]

The Film itself is completely useless. There is virtually no story line and it would seem that it was thrown together in about twelve minutes. Which is impressive as the film is more than two hours long. All that happens is that the main characters just stand around complaining about the weather and alluding to the loss of their reputation points.

I'm sure the music is amazing, though.

[Bêthberry]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

This week, The Downer makes a pointless attempt to enter the future…

How absolutely absurd. I must protest! It is utterly impossible for The Downer to enter the future without a Time Lord.

There is a key figure who is imperative here, I say. And I do believe I have just made a bilinqual pun.

Thank you. That is all.

[the guy who be short]

I quite like the new format - is it permanent?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by the guy who be short

I quite like the new format - is it permanent?

No its not. Just a novelty, like the olden times one.

By the way, folks. We're coming up to the Phantom and Alien's 50th episode soon. If anyone wants to submit their own ideas for a special full page comic I will be very happy to consider any ideas. Are there any Downers you'd like to see make an appearance? Any situations you'd like to see our heroes get into? Do you want a Dragon? Do you, heaven forbid, want jokes?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Back to abnormal this week...



Aline has yet another run in with the law...

[Lalwendë]

That narrow-eyed, shifty look, it's familiar...

...usually provoked when a certain guy has to disturb the moths in his wallet...