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#1 | |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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This is the first draft of the chapter The House of Eorl.
This chapter is a thoroughly mixed bag of sources, and so there is no base text. Because of this, I have marked every instance of any text used, so as to be easy to follow. The markings are: FY-HL-xx for all the headlines for the Fading Years. HE-SL-xx for all expansions and changes to the narrative. Some conventions of my writing: Bold Text = source information, comments and remarks {example} = text that should be deleted [example] = normalized text, normally only used for general changes, as well as changes which are a part of replacement that is not grammatical. Underlined Text = text changed for grammatical reasons in the process of combining and inserting and removing. <source example> = additions with source information ...... = This section of the paragraph is unchanged from the source. Quote:
HE-SL-01: I used this piece from the appendix to the Battles of the Fords of Isen, since it relates the trouble on the borders in which Eorl died. It also leads in directly from the end of the last chapter. HE-SL-02: This needs to be changed since we need to be clear on what we are referencing. HE-SL-03: Here I included information from Eorl's entry in the list of Kings of Rohan. This information is given nowhere else. HE-SL-04: I did the same thing as I did when I discussed Vorondil, the successor of Mardil. I took the name (which is a headline in the original) and removed the paragraph and sentence openers in order to construct a sentence. I hope the editing is clear. We here discuss the ill-fated Baldor and his father's building of Meduseld. HE-SL-05: This text is from a footnote to Marshals of the Mark, the appendix to The Battles of the Fords of Isen. The underlined text is actually the text which the footnote is added to, so i simply moved it into the footnote text. I think it is important to use this here instead of later on. HE-SL-06: Here is where I moved the paragraph I had used previously, that Fin wisely advised be moved to a later place. Because of its shift, I changed the vague North and South Kingdom names to their proper names, so that there is no confusion. HE-SL-07: This needs to change to fit all the other texts on the matter. HE-SL-08: Here we go to the next entry in the kings of Rohan, edited to work as a narrative. HE-SL-09: This is the only bit of information from the shorter BFI Appendix account that is missing from the Appendix A narrative. HE-SL-10: Here we switch to the BFI Appendix, removing the summary of what we have just related. We have the introduction of the Dunlandings and king Deor, and set the stage for the conflict with Helm. HE-SL-11: Here we switch back to the Appendix A narrative. This is the story of Helm and his struggles. HE-SL-12: This is from the Stewards narrative of Appendix A, but it is relevant here, so I have moved it in order to form a singular narrative. HE-SL-13: Since we have moved it, the antecedent to this phrase has been lost, so we must supply it. When we return to the Rohan narrative, some brief redundancy must be eliminated. HE-SL-14: Here we again bring in the Stewards narrative to create a complete picture, with some light editing to make it flow well. HE-SL-15: A detail from the BFI Appendix which is worth including. HE-SL-16: These motivations of Saruman are not given elsewhere and are worth including. HE-SL-17: This is another detail worth giving, as it sets the stage for the later narrative of the Battle of the Fords. |
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#2 | |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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The chapter seems straightforward. I have not much comment on:
HE-SL-09 & HE-SL-10: I think we should mix these additions a bit more. Quote:
Findegil Last edited by Findegil; 06-27-2018 at 10:34 AM. |
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#3 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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Agreed.
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#4 | |||
Wight
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 121
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This chapter is straightforward, but I think it turned out well. A few comments:
1) The end of the first paragraph of HE-SL-06 says: Quote:
Quote:
2) Quote:
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#5 | |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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1) I honestly don't think this matters much. I personally see no need to change it.
2) good catch. I was waiting for your review of this chapter before posting this, but when you reviewed Gondor and the Heirs of Anarion, you moved the bulk of the second paragraph of this chapter there. Therefore, we need to remove it here: Quote:
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#6 |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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1) I am absoultly against this change. The reasoning is sound, but it is nothing that would valid a change.
2) Thanks for catching. HE-SL-06b & HE-SL-06.5: Agreed. Respectfully Findegil |
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#7 |
Wight
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 121
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1) OK, it's fine if we don't change it.
Arcus, nice catch regarding the large section in paragraph 2 which needs to be removed. |
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#8 | |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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gondowe toke up into his spanish version a sentence leftout of LotR, that diescibs the outer look of Meduseld. Since our short telling of the war of the Ring does not include any fitting place for it, I would rather use it here:
Quote:
Findegil |
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#9 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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I agree to this addition! Very nice!
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