Tolkien Humour:The Lord of the Grin and The One Parody

[narfforc]

Hi Downers, I've been absent for a few years, for those who don't know me, I'm the author of The Lord of the Grins a parody published in 2016. For the past few years, I've been working on a Hobbit parody called The Halfbit, There or Thereabouts and The Question of Errorbore. what follows is a rough draft.


The Unwanted Party
In a hole in the ground there lived a rabbit, it was a horrible smelly hole and it was always draughty, it was a warren, and that meant droppings. The rabbit who lived in this part of the hole had lived there all his life, his family had moved there many generations before from Warningshot Down.
One morning, this ancient rabbit, who was half deaf and with his eyesight failing, was enjoying the early morning Spring sunrise. The valley down below was still silent, and covered in the mist that rolled in from the river Bandyleg. Nothing moved except the odd bird which struggled to find the early worm.
The main reason all was quiet, was that here in the valley a group of halfbits led by the potato farming brothers Masho and Bako from The Maris, had settled some years ago. Anyone could tell you that halfbits never worked before ten o’clock, and when they arose from sleeping, the first thing they did was eat anything, even if it moved.. The rabbit therefore knew that he had a few hours left, before he had to flee back down his hole. This rabbit’s Grandfather had found to his cost what happened to animals that fell asleep too near a halfbit’s gurgling stomach.
So it was that on this fine and serene morning, our old rabbit thought how beautiful his world was, sadly he was wrong. As he lay there, on the furthest limits of his hearing, came the low rumblings of a monstrous beast. Through the low lying mist it could be heard as it made it’s way towards him, it’s breath came in regular bursts and it’s roar was deafening, the ground shook beneath it. In his youth he had been told the tales of the dragons of the other lands, he had always thought them stories to frighten the little ones, but surely one had now found it’s way into The Snore.
Then he saw through his glazed vision, a movement just at the bottom of the hill, the mist swirled then broke, and through it came Bungle son of Muncho Braggins sat atop a great bulldozer. The rabbit turned and fled, never had he seen such a thing, a halfbit working so early.
As he ran down the nearest burrow, he felt the earth move beneath him, old and slow he found himself scooped up within a mound of soil which had once been his ancestral home. Bungle had come to the settlement of Halfbiton to build a home for himself and his heavily pregnant betrothed Bellowdowna daughter of Geriatric, The Bold Talk. Bungle had thought himself very clever marrying into the halfbit upper classes, but Geriatric had been the happiest halfbit in The Snore when Bungle promised to take his daughter away, in fact he’d gone as far as to lend him the family bulldozer which had once belonged to The Dullborer Talk himself. Once The Hill had been excavated and Bungle had built his new family home using the money her father heaped upon him, he moved his new wife in, and it was said that a quiet like no other descended upon The Great Smells of Muckborough, leaving Geriatric very pleased indeed.
Very soon after, Bellowdowna noisily gave birth to a son, they named him Bilious in honour of his mother’s morning sickness, the child grew into a sturdy, greedy and tubby halfbit, just as his father was. Bilious was an only child, and a lonely one, very few friends would sit next to him at school, his nickname was Billy Boom Bum.
The Talk side of Bilious made him act strange enough to be avoided during a full moon, it was that strangeness which brought him to the attention of Alfred Grey, an estate agent for an overseas conglomerate of powerful magnates called The Vassals who only answered to an Emu named The Ill-farter. Alfred had been sent to Muddy-Earth along with Sam Ruman AKA The Sourman, and Brad Aghast Brown AKA Rubbermask. Alfred spent most of his time buying huge tracts of land to wander in without being interrupted whilst uncloaking, he also liked to do magic tricks at children’s birthday parties, at which he generally kept the majority of his clothes on. Bilious had been noticed years before by Alfred at one of The Old Talk’s Grand Gregarious Gobbling Parties, normally for one of his many birthdays. Bilious had shown great ingenuity at stealing food from the other halfbit children, a feat many thought virtually impossible, and Alfred thought the little fellow would make a great thief one day.
However, on this day the tubby Bilious was puffing away on a pipe of Soothing Tar, and he had grown as unimpressive as the rest of the dull halfbits of The Snore. He was sitting in his favourite spot enjoying the mid-morning sun and was doing nothing else, something he did quite a lot of. Both his parents had died leaving him Brag-end, and now he had no mortgage to pay, due to a massive insurance pay-out. Hamble Gamble, who he called Hamfist, grew most of what he ate, so his life was quite cushy. On that morning Alfred Grey strolled into his comfortable life. Up the lane which led past Brag-end limped the old man, hung-over and still in his stage clothes, which he had copied from an old Disney film. The silver stars had dulled to the same dirty grey of his robes, and his once blue hat was now very grimy.
As the wizard drew level with the gate, he stumbled (Bilious would later say he staggered), placing his hand on the gate-post to steady himself, his eyes eventually focused on the lazy halfbit. For what seemed like ages, they just stared at each other, until the old man released the gate post and stood erect. Taking this as a sign of his departure, Bilious pleasantly said goodbye.
‘I’ve not sold you anything yet’ said Alfred, ’Or do you mean it is a good morning to buy something on, maybe you wish me to buy this marvellous halfbit-hole to house my friend Brad Aghast’s spare Razscalpel rabbits, or are you flippantly attempting me to go away without seeing what you have to sell’ he added.
Bilious stood shocked and amazed, then without thinking he blurted out ’Of course not my dear sir, in fact I was planning a bring and buy sale this very weekend followed by a Disney Cosplay Party, please feel free to call.
‘Well I actually have some friends who would love such a party’ said the old man.
Of course he had no intention of holding any party, let alone giving anything away. Seeking to crawl out of the hole he had dug himself, he tried prevaricating by saying he had run out of his special invitations, however I could send one on in a few months, what’s your name? asked the clearly disturbed halfbit.
‘WHAT! exclaimed the grey beard, you don’t know who I am? The greatest wizard in these parts, dork killer, thrall beater, definitely dead dragon bone collector, balloon sculpture and pyromaniac, it’s me The Grand Alf the wizard exploded.
Bilious looked blank and said ’Never heard of you….. Oh wait, there are stories of an old wandering conjuror who told fantastic tall tales which no-one ever believed, the old man who made children disappear because of the rumour of them being his love-children.
The wizard’s face went white, then red and finally purple with indignation. ’That had nothing to do with me, those children ran off to be in a Follywood film called The Wizard of Auspices. The Fake-men of Ostrogoth were supposed to be looking after them, but The Witchy-king killed them all one day whilst they were munching berries along The Jello Brick Road’ said The Grand Alf through foaming lips.
‘Oh I do beg your pardon Mr Grumpy Alf’ replied Bilious sarcastically, ’Touch a nerve did I’ he added.
By now steam was coming from the ears of the wizard, his inner fire was beginning to become unstable. ’Right Mr Braggins, you and maybe the whole of this little hick village don’t believe me, so I’m going to send you to find out the truth’ said the wizard.
‘What! all the way to Fake-town on my own, no way’ replied Bilious flatly.
‘You won’t be on your own, I have a group of dwarves going that way for a separate reason, I’ll arrange for them to meet you at tomorrow night’s party’ said the wizard.
‘Where?’ asked Bilious, forgetting completely about his own fake party.
‘Here of course my fine fellow, just tell me what time’ replied The Grand Alf.
The little halfbit was totally taken aback by the suggestion of really having a party at Brag-end. That involved spending money and the possibility of his uncouth neighbours turning up. ‘I’m sorry Mr Grey, but I’ve changed my mind about having a party’ nasty messy things, make you have a hangover in the morning’ said Bilious, who was now up and moving towards his door, ‘Good day’ he added as a parting shot, then he slammed the door and bolted it. Going to the window, he looked through and saw the old man fiddling with his gate, old fool was probably trying to open the kiddy-lock thought Bilious.
As the halfbit disappeared inside, The Grand Alf thought to himself that it was a good day indeed as he pinned a poster to the gate which read:- DISNEY THEME NIGHT, TOMORROW 8PM.
By mid afternoon of the next day, Bilious had forgotten about the promised party, in fact he was sitting on his porch finishing off a large chocolate cake when a group of halfbits came along the lane. They stared curiously at him, and moved off excitedly, then Hamble Gamble ambled along and asked ’ Wot’s yer fevorit? Mr Bilious, mines Booty and the Beast’, Bilious pretended to ignore the local yokel until he went away, which he did after picking his ear for a few minutes, as he left saying ’Oi’ll be seeing yez later then Mr Bilious’, Bilious continued to eat cake, whilst thinking of going to bed early.
Sometime later, at lunchtime, there was a knock at the front door. Bilious was less than pleased, the greedy halfbit was tucking into a large pie he’d cooked for himself earlier that morning.
‘Oh bother and damn these nuisance neighbours, probably one of those gambling Gamble’s looking to borrow my newspaper for the pony pages again’ grumbled Bilious under his breath.
He opened his door to be confronted by a small halfbit lad, a Brandishmuck by the smell of it thought Bilious.
‘S’cuse me Mr, is Mickey in? asked the lad as he wiped his nose on his sleeve.
‘What!’ exclaimed Bilious ‘Go away you stupid boy’ he shouted after the now retreating boy. What has got into these spud planters today mumbled the halfbit as he finished his beautiful pie, I hope they don’t want me to lend them any more food he thought.

[narfforc]

Clip the brasses and tap the slates
Slant the pictures and rend the towels
Change all Braggin's diary dates
Bash the pans and empty your bowels.
Rut the carpet and tread on the cat
Pother the meekly panting bore
Cleave the phones with a baseball bat
Kick his legs until he's sore.
Bump the clocks with a bowling ball
Round them up like a fairground stall
If any aren't blemished and refuse to fall
Set up a shooting gallery in the hall.
That's why Bilious Braggin's states
It's why I've got no dwarves as mates.

[R.R.J Tolkien]

Originally Posted by narfforc

Hi Downers, I've been absent for a few years, for those who don't know me, I'm the author of The Lord of the Grins a parody published in 2016. For the past few years, I've been working on a Hobbit parody called The Halfbit, There or Thereabouts and The Question of Errorbore. what follows is a rough draft.


The Unwanted Party
In a hole in the ground there lived a rabbit, it was a horrible smelly hole and it was always draughty, it was a warren, and that meant droppings. The rabbit who lived in this part of the hole had lived there all his life, his family had moved there many generations before from Warningshot Down.
One morning, this ancient rabbit, who was half deaf and with his eyesight failing, was enjoying the early morning Spring sunrise. The valley down below was still silent, and covered in the mist that rolled in from the river Bandyleg. Nothing moved except the odd bird which struggled to find the early worm.
The main reason all was quiet, was that here in the valley a group of halfbits led by the potato farming brothers Masho and Bako from The Maris, had settled some years ago. Anyone could tell you that halfbits never worked before ten o’clock, and when they arose from sleeping, the first thing they did was eat anything, even if it moved.. The rabbit therefore knew that he had a few hours left, before he had to flee back down his hole. This rabbit’s Grandfather had found to his cost what happened to animals that fell asleep too near a halfbit’s gurgling stomach.
So it was that on this fine and serene morning, our old rabbit thought how beautiful his world was, sadly he was wrong. As he lay there, on the furthest limits of his hearing, came the low rumblings of a monstrous beast. Through the low lying mist it could be heard as it made it’s way towards him, it’s breath came in regular bursts and it’s roar was deafening, the ground shook beneath it. In his youth he had been told the tales of the dragons of the other lands, he had always thought them stories to frighten the little ones, but surely one had now found it’s way into The Snore.
Then he saw through his glazed vision, a movement just at the bottom of the hill, the mist swirled then broke, and through it came Bungle son of Muncho Braggins sat atop a great bulldozer. The rabbit turned and fled, never had he seen such a thing, a halfbit working so early.
As he ran down the nearest burrow, he felt the earth move beneath him, old and slow he found himself scooped up within a mound of soil which had once been his ancestral home. Bungle had come to the settlement of Halfbiton to build a home for himself and his heavily pregnant betrothed Bellowdowna daughter of Geriatric, The Bold Talk. Bungle had thought himself very clever marrying into the halfbit upper classes, but Geriatric had been the happiest halfbit in The Snore when Bungle promised to take his daughter away, in fact he’d gone as far as to lend him the family bulldozer which had once belonged to The Dullborer Talk himself. Once The Hill had been excavated and Bungle had built his new family home using the money her father heaped upon him, he moved his new wife in, and it was said that a quiet like no other descended upon The Great Smells of Muckborough, leaving Geriatric very pleased indeed.
Very soon after, Bellowdowna noisily gave birth to a son, they named him Bilious in honour of his mother’s morning sickness, the child grew into a sturdy, greedy and tubby halfbit, just as his father was. Bilious was an only child, and a lonely one, very few friends would sit next to him at school, his nickname was Billy Boom Bum.
The Talk side of Bilious made him act strange enough to be avoided during a full moon, it was that strangeness which brought him to the attention of Alfred Grey, an estate agent for an overseas conglomerate of powerful magnates called The Vassals who only answered to an Emu named The Ill-farter. Alfred had been sent to Muddy-Earth along with Sam Ruman AKA The Sourman, and Brad Aghast Brown AKA Rubbermask. Alfred spent most of his time buying huge tracts of land to wander in without being interrupted whilst uncloaking, he also liked to do magic tricks at children’s birthday parties, at which he generally kept the majority of his clothes on. Bilious had been noticed years before by Alfred at one of The Old Talk’s Grand Gregarious Gobbling Parties, normally for one of his many birthdays. Bilious had shown great ingenuity at stealing food from the other halfbit children, a feat many thought virtually impossible, and Alfred thought the little fellow would make a great thief one day.
However, on this day the tubby Bilious was puffing away on a pipe of Soothing Tar, and he had grown as unimpressive as the rest of the dull halfbits of The Snore. He was sitting in his favourite spot enjoying the mid-morning sun and was doing nothing else, something he did quite a lot of. Both his parents had died leaving him Brag-end, and now he had no mortgage to pay, due to a massive insurance pay-out. Hamble Gamble, who he called Hamfist, grew most of what he ate, so his life was quite cushy. On that morning Alfred Grey strolled into his comfortable life. Up the lane which led past Brag-end limped the old man, hung-over and still in his stage clothes, which he had copied from an old Disney film. The silver stars had dulled to the same dirty grey of his robes, and his once blue hat was now very grimy.
As the wizard drew level with the gate, he stumbled (Bilious would later say he staggered), placing his hand on the gate-post to steady himself, his eyes eventually focused on the lazy halfbit. For what seemed like ages, they just stared at each other, until the old man released the gate post and stood erect. Taking this as a sign of his departure, Bilious pleasantly said goodbye.
‘I’ve not sold you anything yet’ said Alfred, ’Or do you mean it is a good morning to buy something on, maybe you wish me to buy this marvellous halfbit-hole to house my friend Brad Aghast’s spare Razscalpel rabbits, or are you flippantly attempting me to go away without seeing what you have to sell’ he added.
Bilious stood shocked and amazed, then without thinking he blurted out ’Of course not my dear sir, in fact I was planning a bring and buy sale this very weekend followed by a Disney Cosplay Party, please feel free to call.
‘Well I actually have some friends who would love such a party’ said the old man.
Of course he had no intention of holding any party, let alone giving anything away. Seeking to crawl out of the hole he had dug himself, he tried prevaricating by saying he had run out of his special invitations, however I could send one on in a few months, what’s your name? asked the clearly disturbed halfbit.
‘WHAT! exclaimed the grey beard, you don’t know who I am? The greatest wizard in these parts, dork killer, thrall beater, definitely dead dragon bone collector, balloon sculpture and pyromaniac, it’s me The Grand Alf the wizard exploded.
Bilious looked blank and said ’Never heard of you….. Oh wait, there are stories of an old wandering conjuror who told fantastic tall tales which no-one ever believed, the old man who made children disappear because of the rumour of them being his love-children.
The wizard’s face went white, then red and finally purple with indignation. ’That had nothing to do with me, those children ran off to be in a Follywood film called The Wizard of Auspices. The Fake-men of Ostrogoth were supposed to be looking after them, but The Witchy-king killed them all one day whilst they were munching berries along The Jello Brick Road’ said The Grand Alf through foaming lips.
‘Oh I do beg your pardon Mr Grumpy Alf’ replied Bilious sarcastically, ’Touch a nerve did I’ he added.
By now steam was coming from the ears of the wizard, his inner fire was beginning to become unstable. ’Right Mr Braggins, you and maybe the whole of this little hick village don’t believe me, so I’m going to send you to find out the truth’ said the wizard.
‘What! all the way to Fake-town on my own, no way’ replied Bilious flatly.
‘You won’t be on your own, I have a group of dwarves going that way for a separate reason, I’ll arrange for them to meet you at tomorrow night’s party’ said the wizard.
‘Where?’ asked Bilious, forgetting completely about his own fake party.
‘Here of course my fine fellow, just tell me what time’ replied The Grand Alf.
The little halfbit was totally taken aback by the suggestion of really having a party at Brag-end. That involved spending money and the possibility of his uncouth neighbours turning up. ‘I’m sorry Mr Grey, but I’ve changed my mind about having a party’ nasty messy things, make you have a hangover in the morning’ said Bilious, who was now up and moving towards his door, ‘Good day’ he added as a parting shot, then he slammed the door and bolted it. Going to the window, he looked through and saw the old man fiddling with his gate, old fool was probably trying to open the kiddy-lock thought Bilious.
As the halfbit disappeared inside, The Grand Alf thought to himself that it was a good day indeed as he pinned a poster to the gate which read:- DISNEY THEME NIGHT, TOMORROW 8PM.
By mid afternoon of the next day, Bilious had forgotten about the promised party, in fact he was sitting on his porch finishing off a large chocolate cake when a group of halfbits came along the lane. They stared curiously at him, and moved off excitedly, then Hamble Gamble ambled along and asked ’ Wot’s yer fevorit? Mr Bilious, mines Booty and the Beast’, Bilious pretended to ignore the local yokel until he went away, which he did after picking his ear for a few minutes, as he left saying ’Oi’ll be seeing yez later then Mr Bilious’, Bilious continued to eat cake, whilst thinking of going to bed early.
Sometime later, at lunchtime, there was a knock at the front door. Bilious was less than pleased, the greedy halfbit was tucking into a large pie he’d cooked for himself earlier that morning.
‘Oh bother and damn these nuisance neighbours, probably one of those gambling Gamble’s looking to borrow my newspaper for the pony pages again’ grumbled Bilious under his breath.
He opened his door to be confronted by a small halfbit lad, a Brandishmuck by the smell of it thought Bilious.
‘S’cuse me Mr, is Mickey in? asked the lad as he wiped his nose on his sleeve.
‘What!’ exclaimed Bilious ‘Go away you stupid boy’ he shouted after the now retreating boy. What has got into these spud planters today mumbled the halfbit as he finished his beautiful pie, I hope they don’t want me to lend them any more food he thought.