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#1 | |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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This is the first draft of the chapter Concerning Gandalf, Saruman, and the Shire.
This chapter uses two sources: the next of the same name from UT and the various notes that follow, as well as Of the Rings of Power. I note when any addition is made for convenience. The markings are: FY-HL-xx for all the headlines for the Fading Years. GS-SL-xx for all expansions and changes to the narrative. Some conventions of my writing: Bold Text = source information, comments and remarks {example} = text that should be deleted [example] = normalized text, normally only used for general changes, as well as changes which are a part of replacement that is not grammatical. Underlined Text = text changed for grammatical reasons in the process of combining and inserting and removing. <source example> = additions with source information ...... = This section of the paragraph is unchanged from the source. Quote:
GS-SL-01: We start our chapter off with Of the Rings of Power, with the information about Gandalf's discovery of the identity of the Necromancer. This sets up the White Council and Saruman's treachery, and leads in perfectly to the UT narrative. GS-SL-02: Here we begin the narrative with the same name as this chapter given in UT at the back of The Hunt for the Ring. It details the tensions between Saruman and Gandalf, as well as their interest in the Shire. GS-SL-03: Personally, I think to say 'Gollum's Ring' is not the best term, so I would say we should change it. Also, I know that this chapter jumps forward a bit in the future, but I think it is ok, since it is doing so in order to examine the relationship between Saruman and Gandalf. GS-SL-04: This story about the pipeweed is given separately, but I think it fits best here. GS-SL-05: This additional note contains more information. GS-SL-06: This note also contains more information. |
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#2 | |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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I am not against using the arrangement ArcusCalion made, but I tried out an alternative given below. My goal was to keep more in line with the chronology. This goal I reached, but only by fragmenting the sources more. So we must discuss what the better arrangement is.
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Findegil |
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#3 | |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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This is a much better structure, thank you Fin, but I have some slight changes to make in the middle for a smoother narrative flow. Keeping the beginning the same as yours, I would change the middle thus:
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#4 |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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Agreed. But I would not remove ‘and urged that contrary to Gandalf's advice Dol Guldur should not yet be molested’. It is a repetition but since we now describe the scene in retrospect, it makes the time and setting very definite, while other wise it would be vague.
Respectfully Findegil |
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#5 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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Agreed.
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#6 | ||||
Wight
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 121
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Another good chapter. I found three small typos:
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In the document I have there is an extra bit at the end about Turin II and Folcwine: Quote:
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#7 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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Agreed. They should be HE-SL-18 and HE-SL-19 respectively in that chapter.
Last edited by ArcusCalion; 01-22-2019 at 12:28 PM. |
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#8 |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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TS-SL-01 & TS-SL-02 / HE-SL-18 & HE-SL-19: I hesitate a bit about this movement, but our telling is not straight chronological anyhow. So in the end I agree.
Respecfully Findegil |
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