FOTR-movie-script

[Manwe]

I have read a parody on FOTR on ‘Tolkien online’, and it was great. So I thought that we could do the same, right? I wasn't sure whether to post it here or under the movie section, but it is Middle-Earth Fun and Games.

The only necessary thing is that it should be written as a movie-script. I'll write the beginning:

Black screen.
A voice: In the beginning there was only Illuvatar, Eru, he made the...

Peter Jackson: Cut!

Spotlights on. Illuvatar is sitting on a chair. He has a very old copy of The Silmarilion.

Peter Jackson: That sort of stuff wont satisfy people in these days.

Peter Jackson's eyes start to glow as he got a idea.

Peter Jackson: There must be action...

Saruman knocks Gandalf in the head with his staff.

...thrill...

Gimli is hanging on a ruined bridge by his beard. Aragorn tries to help.

Gimli: Not the beard, you big oaf.

...and a thousand of Oliphants.

a thousand of Oliphants is trashing the shire. The hobbits is desperately their food and pipes.

Screen fades to black.

Continue anyone, I’ll post again as soon as I have time.

[Anarya SilverBranch]

Eowyn and Arwen each have Aragorn by an arm and pull desperately away from each other,

Arwen: He's mine! I saw him first! Mine, mine, mine!

Eowyn: Well you know what! Your an Elf! You can't marry him! Your too old!!

Arwen: Oh! The nerve! How dare you speak to me that way! Did you hear what she called me Estel?

Eowyn: See! You don't even know his real name! You, you, elf trash!

By that point, both Eowyn and Arwen let go of Aragorn and begin to cat fight, biting, scratching, pulling hair etc.
Aragorn slowly sneaks away.

[Pallando]

I've got a bunch!

Scene: Moria
Gimli: “No... *sob* no...”
Sam: “Don’t cry, Master Gimli. I’m sure that Master Balin has gone to a better place.”
Gimli: “I’m not crying about that... it’s just that... Balin owed me money...” *sob*
Director: “CUT!!!”

Moria- Take 2
Gimli: “No... no...”
Pippin: “WHOA!!!!” *trips over a dwarf’s skull* “****!!!”
Director: -_- “cut....”

Moria- Take 3
Gimli: “No...” *sob* “no...”
Sam: “STOP CRYING, YOU ****ING DWARF!!! HE’S DEAD!!! GET OVER IT!!!”
Director: “Cut, cut, CUT!!!! Ow... migrane...”

Moria- Take 5973
Gimli: “OH **** IN A ****ING BUCKET!!! WHOEVER DID THIS, WILL FEEL THE WRAITH OF GIMLI, SON OF GROIN!!!!”
Cast: *snigger*
Gimli: “OH ****!!! I MEAN GOIN... FLOIN... GROIN... oops... GLOIN!!!”
Director: “...lets move on....”

Scene: Bag End, Gandalf throws the ring into Frodo’s fireplace
Frodo: “What are you doing???”
Gandalf: *takes it out from the fire with tongs, and holds it out to Frodo* “Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool.”
Frodo: “OWW!!!! WHY THE **** DID YOU DO THAT FOR??? *******!!! ****ING ISTAR!!! MY POOR ****ING HAND!!!!” *ring falls to the floor, which sets it on fire*
Gandalf & Frodo: “crap...”
Frodo: “Run like hell?”
Gandalf: “Yup!”
Gandalf & Frodo: *run like hell*
Director: “cut.... diffrent scene... please...”

Scene: Gandalf tells Frodo to take the ring, and go to Rivendell
Gandalf: “Frodo, use the Force and run! Run to Rivendell! Run to Rivendell!”
(Got that idea from a music video.)
Cast & Frodo: *snigger*
Director: Sea, you, tea! CUT!!!

Scene: Isengard, Pallantir room
Gandalf: “A palantir is a dangerous tool, Saruman.” *walking towards the palantir*
Saruman: “Why? Why should we fear to use it?” *Takes cover off palantir*
Gandalf: “They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing stones. You do not know who else may be watching.” *Puts the cover back onto the palantir*
Saruman: “The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The nine have left Minas Morgul.”
Gandalf: *whispers* “The nine.”
Saruman: “They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve, disguised as riders in black.”
Gandalf: “They've reached the Shire?”
Saruman: “They will find the ring, and kill the one that carries it.”
Gandalf: *whispers* “Frodo! Frodo!” *Makes for a door, but as he approaches it, it is closed. He makes for the other 3 doors, but each close as he heads for them*
Saruman: “You think that a stupid Halfling can contend with Sauron’s will? Then your love for the Halflings’ leaf has dulled your senses. Join me, join Sauron, assend to the Dark Side of the Force!”
Gandalf: “NEVER, YOU DOTARD!!!”
Director: -_-;; “cut...”


Scene: Gandalf meet up with Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas in Fangorn Forest
Gandalf: “Yes, I am Saruman, some...”
Gimli: “IT IS SARUMAN!!!! HE TOLD US SO!!! LET’S GET HIM!!!!” *Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas get ready to attack*
Gandalf: “FOOL OF A DWARF!!! IT’S ME, GANDALF, THARKUN, MITHRANDIR, INCANUS!!! WHICHEVER YOU WOULD PERFER TO USE!!! GIMLI, GLOIN’S SON, DON’T MAKE ME HARM YOU!!!”
Director: “CUT!!!!”
Gandalf: “INFLAMUS!!!” *fire is set to the director*
Director: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” *burns up*
Aragorn: “Great... now who’ll direct?”
Gimli: “We don’t need no stinkin’ director!”

~~~~~~
Like them?

[Daniel Telcontar]

At the bridge of Khazad-dum, everyone is waiting for the balrog. then a voice says:
Er... does any of you guys have a lighter? The wind from the chasm keeps putting me out.
Director: cut!

At Loth-lorien, the fellowship is moving around in the woods and have still not met the elves.
Gimli: I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox. For instance, behind that bush is five elves hidden, waiting to jump up and surprise us.
Director: cut!

Later in Loth-lorien, they are listening to the elves singing.
Merry: Is that about Gandalf? What are they singing?
Legolas: No no, it's an old drinking song. It says: Booze, cigarettes and naked...
Director: cut!

At Amon Hen, the uruks have kidnapped Merry and Pippin.
Aragorn: We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torture.
Gimli: Yes! No wait, my rheumatism has come back. I need five minutes.
Director: cut!

That's all I could come up with right now. But a good topic! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Wandering but not lost]

*in the scene where we all see Arwen for the first time*
arwen/liv tyler walks serenely towards the hobbits. the sunlight illuminates her face. all of a sudden she trips up and lands flat on her face. She storms off the set in a huff screaming "how the hell do you expect me to see with all that light in my face? I'm going to my trailor and I'm not coming out till someone invents sunglass-contacts"

[Beren87]

Scene starts as Frodo walks down the stairs to Galadriel.
Galadriel:Will you look into the mirror of Galadriel?
Frodo:What shall I see?
Galadriel:Even the wisest cannot tell. The mirror shows many things, things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.
Frodo walks up to mirror and stares inside to see...nothing.
Frodo: What the F*** is going on?
Galadriel peers over into the mirror. Gets angry and starts banging the side of it.
Galadriel: Work you goddam piece of ****, i paid 15.00 and last the damn recipt!
Director: CUT!

[Aylwen Dreamsong]

Legolas is in his room in Imladris before the council brushing his beach blonde hair. Gimli Thuds into the room.

Gimli: Huhr! Prissy elf, this is my room! Get out or I shall chop your purty little head off!
Legolas: Nay, sir,..very UGLY dwarf, this is my suite, givin by the lord elrond. You see, suites only go to beautiful elves, not ugly fat dwarves.
Gimli: HOPE YOU HAVE A MANICURE APPOINTMENT SOON. CUZ YOU WONT LOOK SO PRETTY WHEN IM THROUGH WITH YOU!!!!

At this point, gimli uses his axe to try and chop off legolas's shiney locks, but Legolas grabs an antique sword and chops off gimli's beard. gimli howls and they start wrestling...

I know its not anywhere in the movie, its just my interpretation of how they felt about each other at first sight. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Alatariel]

<At Weathertop> The hobbits are cooking over the fire...
Frodo: Put it out you fools, put it out! <stamps on fire> Aaargh! My feet! They're melting!

[merlilot]

No scenes from me...Im not funny.

I loved the TO spoof...except when they picked on Sam...

ANd alatariel...I hope you don't mind, but i think I am gonna steal your pic...

[merlilot]

Well, I tried...mind telling me how I can get that pic to magically appear under my name?

Pippin: That's nice! Melted plastic in my tahmatoes!

Merry: Shut up Pip! Those weird undead guys'll hear you!

Pippin: That was close!

(Nazgul shreek)

Frodo: To late, fly you fools! Crap! I mean RUN!

(They run to the top of Amon Sul)

``````````````````````````````````````````

Take it away! Give Frodo a grueling slashing with the Morgul Blade!

[Princess of Mirkwood]

Scene: Galadriel's mirror

Galadriel: will you look into the mirror?

Frodo: what will i see?

Galadriel: well what do you normally see when you look into a mirror, you ignorant hobbit?!?!?!

Galadriel:*storms off muttering to herself*

Frodo: whats wrong with her?.....i only read whats on the script!

[busybee]

Scene after Merry and Pippns capture:
Aragorn:Lets hunt some Orc......hang on aren't they Uruk-hai?
Director:CUT!Your right that doesn't make sense.

Sorry thats the only thing I could think of even though it is not very funny

[Lindolirian]

Perhaps this should go in Middle Earth Mayhem?

[Horse-Maiden of the Shire]

In FOTR when Frodo has just finished riding through Hobbiton with Gandalf in his wagon:
Frodo: Gandalf? I'm glad you're back.
Gandalf: So am I, dear boy....so am I.
*Frodo gets off the wagon, walks off while turned around, looking and waving at Gandalf. He walks into a tree.*
Frodo: ^$^$#$#@!! Why the hell is that tree there?
In TTT, when Frodo and Sam are in the marshes.
Frodo: What's that awful smell?
*An outhouse comes into view: an orc walks out of it.*
Orc: Don't go in there, it's a deathtrap of stench!

[The Perky Ent]

This looks like fun!

Scene: Helms Deep
Theoden: So it begins
*Orcs climb ladders*
Aragorn: Fire lelele!
*arrows fly*
Gimli: Orcs go bye bye!
Legolas: 1,2,3
Gimli: Ha! 3? I'm on 14!
Legolas:Actually, I'm on three million. I have a bow, don't ya know!
THeoden: I bet there's nothing you can do Saruman! I mean, it's not like you can get a bunch of explosives...
*explosives set under wall*
Theoden:...and magically get some Uruk to carry an Olympic Torch...
*Olympic Torch Orc comes*
Theoden:....and blow up the WALL!
*BOOM!*
Aragorn: OK, Theoden, you really stink at this! Let me take over!
Theoden: But i want to be in charge!
Aragorn: Well...you can be in charge of...um...you throne! Yes, your mission is to keep your throne shiny! You can go now!
Theoden: Ooo, I like shiny things!
Legolas: Um...mabey you haven't noticed but the wall just blew up and Orcs are pouring in?
Aragorn: No, I noticed!
Legolas: So?
Aragorn: So what?
Legolas: Look out aragorn!
*orcs about to kill aragorn*
Gimli: I may be short but i'm crashing 30 feet from above on your heads!
*crash*
Gimli: And now i'm drowning!
Legolas: I'll save you, wait, the water is yucky! WEll, nice knowing you, Gimli
Aragorn: *yank* Gimli, tomorrow, we're teaching you how to swim!
THeoden: Retreat!
Aragorn: What did I say about leading your people? Geeze, you're just as bad as Denethor!
Haldir: Well, i wasn't suppost to be here, but since i really aren't here, i can die without actually dying!
Orc: Chomp
Haldir: *slow motion pan around
Orc: Chomp
Aragorn: Oh no! well, that's what you get for being where you're not suppost to be
*foreshadowing*
*Battle rages*
*Gandalf and Eomer appear on Hill*
Theoden: Wow, isn't it so believable that there are two guys on a hill and every orc in helms deeps stops trying to kill us!
Eomer: To the King
Gandalf: Right, to Aragorn!
PJ: Brilliant! Brilliant! Who wrote this? I did! Best Director here I come!
Gollum: It's mine...

[The Saucepan Man]

This belongs in the Mirth Forum. Moving it there ...

[Eowyn Skywalker]

The Prologue...

Galadriel: The World is changed... i amar prestar aen...
(Arwen: DDDAAAAADDDIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!! I WANT TO MARRY AGENT SMITH!!!!!!!)
Galadriel: Well, that emphasizes that point. As I was saying... I feel it in the water... han mathon ne nen...
(Celeborn: (Touches Mirror): AAHHHHH!!!!! IT'S ZAPPING ME!!!!!!!)
Galadriel: CELEBORN, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE WATER!!!!!
Celeborn: I was WASHING MY HAIR!!!!
Galadriel: I feel it in the earth... han mathon ne chae... Hey, no one's saying anything.
Elrond: MEN ARE WEAK, THEY WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Galadriel: Shut up. I smell it in the air... a han noston ned 'wilith... *cough* *hack* What is that smell... *dies*
Gandalf: Umm... I wasn't meaning to smoke that stuff... oops...

Bag-End:
Gandalf: *Throws ring in fire* Ha! Take it, Frodo, it's quite cool.
Frodo: It melted.
Gandalf: Um... he he...
Frodo: No duh, that's Bilbo's wedding ring!
Gandalf: *Throws another ring in* There. Read the writing.
Frodo: Property of Sauron, dark lord. Please return on finding to Barad-dur so that I can take over the world.
Gandalf: *Hits head on medal pole*
Frodo: Is that a good thing?

Moria...
Pippin: *Drops rock down hole*
Gandalf: FOOL OF A TOOK!!!!!!! *Begins jumping on Pippin* DIE, YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, how's that? Maybe I'll write more later...
-Eowyn Skywalker

[Beanamir of Gondor]

This is from my grandmother, believe it or not.

Lurtz: GRAGH! *shoots Boromir*
Boromir: It's only a flesh wound! *kills four more orcs*

[Nimrothiel]

Scene: Orthanc; Gandalf and Saruman fight scene

*Gandalf moves towards a number of sets of doors which close as he reaches them; Saruman steps towards him and his staff turns into a red lightsaber; Gandalf's staff then turns into a green lightsaber*

Saruman: "Your skill has grown, you are truly a Jedi."
Gandalf: "You can't win Saruman."
*spectaluar battle ensues; Gandalf is finally knocked to the floor; Saruman uses the Force to spin him around*
Saruman: "Fool! You thought you could defeat me?! Even now your friends are walking into a trap! The Nine are coming for them upon the road to Bree! I would have had you rule at my side, Master and apprentice together, rulers of the Darkside! But you have elected the way of pain!"

*sends Gandalf flying up to the ceiling*

PJ: "CUT!! How many times must I tell you, this is not Star Wars!!"
Christopher Llyod: "But PJ, people already love Star Wars; we thought that this would enhance the movie experience. Besides, the Elvish swords glow blue, and they look kind of like lightsabers..."
PJ: "Shut up!! Who's the director around here?"
Ian McKellen: "Well if you have to ask, it isn't you."
PJ: "That's it, you're both fired!"
Christopher: *sigh* "Well, I guess I'll go and see if Lucas needs me for a role in Episode III..."
PJ: "Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!!!"

OR

*Gandalf moves towards the doors, they close and he turns toward Saruman*

Saruman: "Join forces with me, Magneto, it is the only way."

*Gandalf uses his telekinetic powers over metal to rip off portions of the walls and sends them flying into Saruman*

PJ: "CUT!!! This isn't X3!! Ian, knock it off! You're supposed to be losing!"

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Christopher Llyod? I think you mean Christopher Lee.

*snigger of glee

[Nimrothiel]

*shriek of horror* Oh my God, how could I forget?!!! This is terrrible, you'd think I'd know his name by now!! I am disgraced forever, I and my descendants shall be branded with shame! Woe is me; for I am the worst of all LotR and SW fans! Okay, enough of the drama; seriously, I can't believe I did that. What's worse is that my computer won't let me go back and fix it. The shame, the unbearable shame!

[Eowyn Skywalker]

Is there anyone here who would like to try doing this from the beginning of the movie... so that it lines up, and could be posted, at say, fanfiction.net?

Oh well, I'll do some more now... (Good, I'm not the only one who'll be doing Star Wars...)
Bree:
Strider: Are you frightened?
Frodo: No.
Strider: You will be, young Skywalker, you will be... MWHA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!
Frodo: You can't harm me, I'm the Guy .
Strider: That's the wrong line, Baggins.
Frodo: THAT'S DARTH BAGGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOW TO ME, YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strider: You have it all wrong here...
Frodo: Oh no... I do not... You were trying to hold me hostage!
Strider: No, Frodo, I wasn't. You see, but you do not see.
Frodo: What do you mean?
Strider: Frodo, I am your father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cricket: Chirp.
Frodo: Um... Am I suppose to react?
Saruman: LUKE IS SO MUCH MORE FUN TO TORMENT!!!!!!!!!!!
Strider: Who's Luke?
Frodo: I think I've been drinking too much.

Lothlorien:
Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loudly, I could've shot him in the dark.
Cricket: Chirp.
Halder: (Shoots cricket) HE IS BREATHING TOO LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!
Darth Vader: I am your father!
Gimli: (Raises eyebrows)
Legolas: Eek! It's a scary black robed figure!!!!!!
Haldir: YOU SCARY GUY, YOU. YOU ARE BREATHING TOO LOUD!!!!!
Darth Vader: You try breathing quiet in this!
Aragorn: (Hits head on medal pole)
Peter Jackson: THIS ISN'T STAR WARS!!!!!!! CAN YOU ALL GIVE IT A REST!?????!????!????!????!

Bree:
Pippin: It comes in Pints?!
Merry: Yep.
Pippin: I'm gettin' one.
Later...
Pippin: It comes in QUARTS?!?!?!
Merry: Yep.
Pippin: I'm gettin' one!
Yet even later...
Pippin: IT COMES IN BATHTUBS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Yet even later...
Pippin: I have to go to the bathroom... groan...
Merry: But you haven't had the water tower yet!

Bree:
Sauron: I see you... you cannot hide...
Frodo: Akkk!!! Its a scary red eye!!!!!!!
Sauron: Well... it's hot stuff with the ladies.
Frodo: You need new contacts.

Amon Hen:
Frodo: Hey, you're that eye again!
Sauron: Yes... Surprised to see me, Mr. Anderson?
Frodo: Not your line.
Agent Smith: Of course it's not his... I morphed him into me!
Frodo: Ug.
Aragorn: Frodo, you've been watching the Matrix far to often.

There.
-Eowyn Skywalker
(If you desire more stuff this crazy from me, serch me out on Fanfiction.net as Elf with a Lightsaber!)