New Movie Script

[mordor136]

Feel free to tar and feather me if this has been done before but I cant find it anywhere.
I would like for us to rewrite the Lotr movies scene by scene. Each person who posts must rewrite one scene in a more comical form until we have finished fotr and ttt. Here we go!
Prologue

Galadriel (in a suprisingly masculine voice):
The world is changing
It has becoming increasingly more evil and dangerous. Enron executives now head the Middle Earth Board of Treasury. Even in the Shire 401K plans are becoming less rewarding, but it was not always so... IT WAS WORSE!

(Camera zooms into mordor and cuts into a close-up of Sauron who shreiks because his mascara is running in the heat of Sammath Naur.)

Sauron: How am I supposed to mount a brutal conquest of Middle Earth without a proper make-up crew!

(just then Peter Jackson makes a suprise cameo by eating a carrot and tossing it into the firey chasam)

Galadriel:Ahem as I was saying Sauron the dark lord had crushed most of the opposition with use of the ONE RING and also created a form of pollution that still remains over many cities today. then only called stuff like the shadow of Sauron now called SMOG! In a great battle to smite the enemy Gil-galad was instead smitten. At the death of his father ,Elindil, Isildur came face to face with thew enemy...

Isildur:My fathers sword may be broken but it can still do damage to that high priced French manicure of yours!\

Sauron:NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! anything but that. Take anything you want of mine but dont hurt my poor nails!

Isildur:OK how about your ring.

Sauron:Sure it is worthless to me! here it is

(pulls of the ring and with a last scream of OOPS! vanishes.)

Galadriel: The rest is history. He took the ring instead of destroying it. Is ambushed by orcs seeking to claim his ex.large cheeseburger and in an effort to save his burger puts the ring ont the burger so that it vanishes and tosses it into the river anduin. So he was slain for waisting the glorious sandwich and the legend of the ring began.

OK its up to you now to rewrite the next scene. (gandalf comes to the shire) have fun! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Meela]

This is the actual movie script, only re-written slightly to my own taste.


Gandalf: This film goes ever on and on, right from the boring scene where it began…

Frodo (runs over and trips on an unsuspecting mushroom) you're on time… how… where…

Gandalf: A wizard is never on time, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. Or late. Nor does he keep an alarm clock about his person to tell him when he’s overslept!

Frodo: well, I know what to get you for your birthday. How old will you be?

Gandalf: 27.

(They look at each other, trying to keep a straight face. Gandalf's mouth begins to twitch. They both laugh.)

(Frodo jumps onto his wagon, but trips and rolls off.)

Frodo: It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf! Even though I can’t actually see you right now!

Gandalf: You didn't think I'd miss your uncle Bilbo's birthday?

Frodo: Well, we didn’t put your name down on the presents list… So. What news of the outside world? Tell me everything.

Gandalf: Everything? You're far too eager and curious for a hobbit. Most unnatural... Well, what can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on, much as it has these few minutes. Those people sat in the cinema must be falling asleep. Most of them will be scarcely aware of the existence of hobbits. For which I am very thankful…

Hobbit: (hides) Look! It's Gandalf!

(The other hobbits run and hide. Gandalf shrugs and moves on.)

Gandalf: Ooh - (Hobbits are seen putting up party tents) the long expected party. So how is the old rascal? I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence.

Frodo: You know Bilbo. He's got the whole place in an uproar.

Gandalf: Now, well, that should please him.

Frodo: Half the Shire's been invited! And those trolls from up north! And those barbaric men from down south! And the entire squirrel population of Arnor!

Gandalf: Good gracious!

Frodo: He's up to something…

Gandalf: Hmm... well, I daresay you’ll find out soon enough. I know the audience can’t wait. But then, if I’d had to sit through this scene even I’d be ecstatic about a meaningless little party. But this party isn’t quite so meaningless as they think… (leans towards the camera and nods knowingly)

Frodo: All right then, keep your secrets. Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.

Gandalf: Indeed.

Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.

Gandalf: Oh, come off it, Frodo…

Frodo: Ok, there have been a few incidents…

Gandalf: (mutters) Oh, really?

Frodo: alright, a lot…

(Gandalf nods satisfied, then ducks as a bunch of hobbit kids run towards him.)

Gandalf: I’m not here… (Frodo nods and takes the reins)

Hobbit kids: Gandalf! Gandalf's not here! (they cheer)

Gandalf lets some fireworks out of the back of the wagon. Hobbit children scream. Gandalf laughs.

The wagon goes on a little bit farther, the Gandalf stops it for Frodo to get out.

Frodo: Gandalf - (Stands up and holds onto the post on the wagon) I'm glad you're back.

As Frodo prepares to jump off the wagon, Gandalf moves the cart forward a step. Frodo falls flat on his face.

Gandalf: (mutters to himself) Well, I'm not.

[mordor136]

LOL! I love it!I see no reason why we cannot post more than one scene after all it is my thread. In the words of another Barrow-downer(I'm bad with names) When they yell at me I'll stop but until then I'm brutally abusing my rights! In fact I'll think I'll do the next scene just because I had so much fun with the first one.

Gandalf Arrives at Bag-End

Gandalf's cart pulls into the two cart garage at Bag-End and our lovable wizard freind exits his cart and walks importantly to the round door.

Gandalf: (KNOCKS ON THE DOOR)

Bilbo: Go away we dont want any more visitors, well wishers or distant relations.

Gandalf: What about former telemarketers only wanting to take up your valuble time?

Bilbo: Well in that case (opens the door and in seeing his freind dashes the two feet to greet him) Its wonderful to see you Magneto!Where are the other X-men?

Gandalf: Bilbo..its gandalf the wizard and I've come to bully you into giving up your ring because I have a gut feeling that it will do well on E-bay.

Biblo: My ring? Whats wrong with my ring?

Gandalf: I belive it was made by Sauron the dark lord.

Bilbo: (Begins to do a very emotional scene in which he finally decides to give up the ring but stops) Hey dosent this take place after the party.

Gandalf: Oops! your script is different compared to miune. I must have lost my rewrite. Oh here they are... continue Bilbo.

Bilbo: Oh yes... Would you like to come inside Ian? I mean Gandalf!

Gandalf: Yes I would at that. (bumps head on door and lighting fixture) OW! I've got to stop doing that. So how do you feel?

Bilbo: Not well i feel like Soy butter scraped over too much whole wheat bread.

Gandalf: That is serious.

Biblo: Whats more I feel my ring has something to do with it.

Gandalf: DUH! I've known that for yea...(interupted by a knock on the door)

Bilbo: I'm not at home! All the Sackville Bagginses want is the house and I'll see that they dont get it! ALl in all Gandalf it will be a very interesting Party!(blows a smoke ship out of his ear)

Well whoever wishes to may pick it up with The party scene

[Linteamarthwen]

(gandalf and Bilbo sit outside Bagend and smoke there pipes)

Bilbo: I truly missed these nights of smoking the best weed in the Shire with you Gandalf! We should really do it more often.

Gandalf: But I must admitt my dear Bilbo, the weed is quite *addicting*. I've somewhat lost my mind since I first tasted the sweet stuff. Don't you agree.

Bilbo: Yes I do, I believe both of our minds were sharper in earlier years. (A moment of silence) Lets go to the party Gandalf.

Gandalf: (falls back and hits his head on the stoop of Bagend)

Bilbo: Oh dear! Come on Gandalf...not this again. I do say you should try to quit this smoking.

(Gandalf slowly stumbles up and walks to the party down below in the valley)

(Camera whipes to the party scene)

Some one can take on from there..... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[TealDude4]

The party was splinded. Everyone was having a good time, when all of a sudden...

Frodo: Gandalf, some old guy in rags keeps asking for you. I think he's a begger. Do you want me to stick a cherry bomb in his...

Gandalf: We don't need any of that now. Just tell me where he is.

(Frodo points to a man standing next to the punch bowl)

Gandalf: Fool of a Baggins! That's Ragadast the Brown! If he asks about me again, tell him I'm not talking to him!

Frodo: Why?

Gandalf: Long story.

Frodo: Ok.

(Frodo walks up to Ragadast.)

Frodo: Hey, Ragadast! Gandalf's over there.

Ragadast: Finally! That back stabbing, cart stealing, good for nothing free-loader has a lot of explaining to do!

(Frodo walks of laughing maliciously while enjoying the party.)

Later, Bilbo gives his speech.

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Tooks, and every other last name I'm to intoxicated to remember. Today is my 111th birthday.

(Mild applause)

Bilbo: 111 years is far to short a time to live amongst such abmireble hobbits.

(Tremendous applause)

Bilbo: Acctually, I hate every singal one of you. You and your 2nd breakfasts and gardens!
And no casino! Not even a lottery! The elves have it so much better! Frankly, I'd be happy to be rid of the lot of you! Goodbye!

(Bilbo slips on the Ring, but nothing happens. The party starts grabing foldable chairs and waving them angryly.)

Bilbo: No! The batteries are dead!

)Bilbo reaches into his other pocket and gets some batteries. He puts them into the Ring before the mob could get him. Bilbo secretly walks off to Bag End.)

[ June 25, 2003: Message edited by: TealDude4 ]

[elfearz1]

Ok... I'm probably not that good, but I'll try my hand at this.

(scene cuts to Bag end, Bilbo is packing up his things and he stops to pet his porcelain cow, Gandalf clears his throat and Bilbo jumps)
Bilbo: oh..umm.. I was just..uh..
Gandalf: (looks embarassed) Uh... I just came to ask you something, what was it? Oh you think your funny don't you?
Bilbo:Come on Gandalf! Did you see their faces?
Gandalf: Yes, they looked like they were about to throw their folding chairs at you.
Bilbo:I know! That's it! I'm only buying energizer batteries from now on. (hops like a bunny for emphasis)
Gandalf: Well, lets cut to the chase I'm sick of dilly dalling around. Give up your ring and leave already.
Bilbo: ok (doesn't)
Gandalf: I said put it on the table you ninny goat!
Bilbo: What's a ninny goat?
Gandalf: just do it. (Bilbo starts to leave, throws ring over shoulder, not looking, it hits Gandalf in the head) oaf!!
Bilbo: (w/out looking behind him)you really should be more carefull your always hitting your head. (Gandalf groans, Bilbo stops at KFC and gets some Chicken wings for the road)
(cut back to Bag End Gandalf is sitting by the fire mumbling incoherently and smoking more pipe weed. Frodo runs in to tell Gandalf something, slips on the ring, trips over a chair and lands in a box of old things of bilbo's knocks over a broom that hits a something heavy that falls on top of the box trapping Frodo)
Gandalf: ah! Frodo my boy is that you?
Frodo: (muffled) hppp! hlllp!
Gandalf: EH???!?! Speak up boy, these ears are old!

What will happen to Frodo? Will Gandalf find him? What will happen to Bilbo's porcelain Cow? Why is there a KFC in the Shire? Find out next week! Same hobbit time, same hobbit channel!

ok, kinda dumb, but that's ok.

[ June 30, 2003: Message edited by: elfearz1 ]

[ June 30, 2003: Message edited by: elfearz1 ]

[Elennar Starfire]

Frodo manages to get the ring off, and Gandalf sees his foot sticking out of the pile of stuff.

Frodo:mutters several words which cause Gandalf to be very shocked.

Gandalf:Frodo! How many times have I told you not to swear?

Gandalf grabs Frodo's foot and pulls him out of the pile, covered in dust and looking extremely ticked off. Gandalf looks extremely ticked off as well. A fight starts, which results in Frodo leaving, after calling Gandalf many things which should not be repeated here. Sam, who was listening at the window, catches up to him and Frodo starts grumping about how unfair Gandalf was being.

Gandalf: Now the porcelain cow is mine! MUAHAHAHA! I shall rule the world!

ok, that was a little weird.

[Oddwen]

Fro: *grump* Herpem flallum phrazzazaz...
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
Fro: *slouch* Lally-lally hoom hoom burarum...
Sam: You're not going to take offence at what Gandalf did, are you? I mean, what's a porcelain cow anyway?
Fro: It's mine!
Sam: Maybe. But let's go back to Bag End, hmm? Maybe have a nice cup of hot cocoa?
Fro: Mmm...chocolate...
*they go back in*
Sam: Where'd Gandalf go?
Gandy: *grabbing both their shoulders* BOOGABOOGABOOGA!
*both hobbits scream*
Gandy: And that is how evil the Ring of Your Uncle Bilbo is.
Fro: Wow, I had no idea!
Gandy: And Sauron is sending his most feared servants...the I.R.S.!
Both hobbits: *gasp!*
Gandy: Oops, wrong servants. He is sending...The Nazgul!
Both hobbits: *blank stare*
Gandy: They're big and black and scary, and they scream like this! *WREEEE!!*
BH: *blank stare*
Gandy: Anyway, they're on their way here. I devined this while NOT talking to Radagast, my spotlight-stealing bird-talking Saruman's-pet of a cousin. *cough* I also found that Saruman wants me, sooooo...I guess you're on your own. Don't use the Ring! I think Your Uncle put in non-matching batteries, and it might explode or leak acid all over your new pants. So long! *rushes out the door*
Sam: Um...did you get that?
Fro: *zzzsnork* Huh? Oh, yeah sure. He chickened out.
Sam: *sigh* I guess it's up to hobbits to save the day again. *the two pack and leave*
Fro: Soo...where are we goin'?

I guess it doesn't make much sense. But I seem to be quite good at that. [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img]

[Mariska Greenleaf]

So, the two hobbits leave the Shire and have no idea where they are going.
When they are in the middle of a field, Sam suddenly holds still...

Sam:"This is it"
Frodo:"This is what?"
Sam:"If I take one more step, we'll have taken 23056 steps since we've left."
Frodo stares at Sam.
Sam:"And, of course, it will be the farthest away from home I ever was."
Frodo:"Come on Sam"

[img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[elfearz1]

*sams frantaclly looking for frodo* Mr. Frodo???? Mr.Frodo???
Frodo(comes from out of some corn): I'm right here.
Sam: I thought I had lost you
Frodo: Sam, were still in the shire what could possibly happen
(stampeed of wargs runs through corn field narrowly missing Sam and Frodo)
Sam: I guess your right, I am probably worrying for nothing.
*frodo and sam continue walking and making casual conversation. Merry and Pippin walk out from the side of the corn field and greet the two hobbits*
Sam: AAAAAAAAH! See Frodo! I told you something could happen! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH- so Merry, Pippin how are you?
*all look confused*
Pip: well, we just stole some porcelain cows from farmer magget.
Sam:Hey, that's not right you should give them back *gets on soap box and lectures them for a while till Merry interupts*
Merry: We brought one back for you and Frodo
Sam: oh, well in that case...

(ok, that's all I have so far)
^*^ElfEarz^^*^

[ July 07, 2003: Message edited by: elfearz1 ]

[Theoric Windcaller]

(It's dusk).

Frodo: Anything?

Merry: Nothing...

Pippin: What's going on?

Merry: That black rider was lookin' for something... or someone... Frodo?

Frodo: Sorry, what? I wasn't listening.

Pippin: Get down!

(The Black Rider appears at the top of the hill.)

Frodo: I must leave the Shire and go to... uh... go to... uh.

Sam: Bree.

(Frodo points at Sam.)

Frodo: That's it.

Merry: Buckleberry Ferry on three, you count Frodo.

Frodo: 1... 2... 5!

Sam: 3 sir!

Frodo: 3!

(The Black Rider charges and Frodo and Sam.)

Merry: Follow me, I know the way!

(Merry runs to the edge of the dock, trips on a loose board and falls into the water.)

Sam: Run, Frodo! Run!

Frodo: Go! Forget Merry!

(They cast off)

Frodo: How far to the nearest crossing?

Merry: Brandywine Bridge, 20 inches away.

[Oddwen]

M: At least, it used to be twenty inches. Right about now it would be closer to twelve...nine...eleven...four...uh, yeah.
S: Three, sir.
*crash!*
P: Merry? We're there!
*they walk up to the gate*
Gatekeeper: Eh? 'Oo goes thaya?
Fro: None of your beeswax!
Gatekeep: What's yer business?
Fro: None of your beeswax!
GK: Where ya goin'?
Fro: Beehives, to get beeswax!
GK: You youngun's sure rude!
Fro: BUZZ OFF!
Sam: That's tellin' him, Mr. Frodo!
GK: Fine! Doggone whippersnappers...
*the Hobbits enter warily*
Pip: Where are we going?
Fro: I believe Gandalf told us to go to the "Porcelain Cow", or some such inn. I wasn't listening.
Merry: Eenie Meenie Minie Mo, anyone?

[Theoric Windcaller]

(The Hobbits step into the Porcelain Cow. Everyone stares at them.)

Barliman: Good evenin' little masters! If you're seekin' accomodation, we uh... don't have any rooms, but can I get you a drink, Mr...?

Frodo: Baggins.

(Sam punches his arm.)

Frodo: Ouch, Underhill, I mean Underhill...

Barliman: right...

Frodo: We're friends of Gandalf the Gay... I mean Grey. Can you tell him we've arrived?

Barliman: Gandalf? Gandalf? Oh yes... I remember-elderly chap. Multi-colored beard, dressed like a clown, small hands and he smelt like cabbage. Not seen him for a while.

Sam: What do we do now?

Frodo: Go get drunk and let Pippin tell everyone my real name.

Merry: OK!

Pippin: What's that?

Merry: This, my friend, is a quart.

Pippin: It comes in quarts? I'm getting one.

Frodo: Excuse me? That man in the corner - who is he?

Butterbur: He's one of them circus folk, dangerous they are, wanderin' the circus's. What his right name is I've never 'eard, but 'round here he's known as Jimmy.

Frodo: Jimmy...

(Frodo sort of zones out, fingering the ring in his hands
hearing a voice saying: "Baggins... Baggins... Baggins...")

Pippin: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins - he's over there.
Frodo Baggins. He's my cousin's, sister's, brother's, father's, wife's, roomate's, aunt's, uncle's, son.

(Frodo is horrified and jumps up to rush over to the bar to get Pippin to stop talking)

Frodo: Pippin, shut up!!

Pippin: ...

[Aragost]

Suddenly Frodo Falls an his back and the ring slips out of his pocket and latches itself to frodos foot hairs. Frodo dissapears and looks behind him and sees a giant PBS logo talking to him. It's words were,"I am Ozzy Osborne." Frodo suddenly takes off the ring in a corner of the Porcelain cow and Jimmy grabs him saying

"You draw too much attension to your self Mr.- What did you say your name was again

"Uhhhh-Bond, James Bond"

Jimmy takes him upto a room and suddenly sam merry and pippin come in armed with extension cords ready to srtangle the strange circus man.

Jimmy says you have a tall heart moderatly sized hobbit but that will not save you I know what hunts you.

[TealDude4]

Jimmy takes Frodo and the hobbits to a bedroom to keep them safe. Frodo asks Jimmy many questions.

Frodo: So... who exactly are you?

Jimmy: Ok, my name isn't really Jimmy. It was just a disguise. It's also may second job. Jimmy the Strangely Tall Clown. I use to be with the circus. I got fired today.

Frodo: The circus, huh? I think you were at Bilbo's birthday party. Weren't you the weird guy who was in the tree hidding from hobbit children with Gandalf’s sparklers?

Jimmy: *rolls his eyes in annoyance* Yes, that was me.

The other hobbits giggle like school-girls.

Jimmy: Shut up! So, those were Gandalf’s. Oh well. At least he’ll never know that I told Ragadast he would be there. *Simles maliciously*

Sam: Whats up with Gandalf and Ragadast anyway? And how do you know Gandalf? I why isn’t he here? And what is your name if we are not to call you Jimmy? And what are those hideous black creatures outside our window? *eyes Jimmy suspiciously*

Jimmy: The answer to your first question. You should never meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they get very p**sy. Your second question. Gandalf is a long time friend and companion. Your third question. I don’t know why…

Jimmy looks out the window in horror.

Jimmy: NAZGUL!!! *gives out a loud girly scream*

Jimmy picks up an M16 and starts shooting out the window with it. The Nazgul fall to the ground. They all look out the window.

Pippin: What was that?

Jimmy: They are the Nazgul. Many years ago, the Dark Lord Sauron gave to them 9 rings of power. Blinded by there greed they took them without question. Now they are slaves to his will. They will never stop hunting you, until they have the ring.

Pippin: No. I mean that. *points at the M16*

Jimmy: Oh, this? Don’t know. Found it on the ground. *uncomfortable pause* Get some sleep.

The next morning they woke up. They got a pony and are ready to go.

Merry: What do we do with the gun thingy.

Jimmy: Leave it. It may be a tool of the Dark Lord.

Merry: Ok. *looks around and hides the gun in his bag. Walks away wistling*

[ July 09, 2003: Message edited by: TealDude4 ]

[ July 09, 2003: Message edited by: TealDude4 ]

[Meneltarmacil]

Hey, you skipped a very important scene back there. I'll parody it...

*Gandalf arrives at Isengard*

SARUMAN: Smoke rises from the Mountain of Fire, the hour draws late, Gandalf the Gray rides to Isengard seeking my council, and MY COFFEE STILL ISN'T DONE!!!

ORC: OK, masster, here'ssss youurrrr coffeeee, don't hurt meeee...

SARUMAN: Thank you. I can never get through the day without it.

GANDALF: *ahem* What is that orc doing here?
*the orc hides*

SARUMAN: OOPS! You -uh- weren't supposed to see that. OH, I mean, uh, for that is why you have come, is it not? My old friend...

GANDALF: It was right there, under my very nose...

SARUMAN: And you did not have the wit to see it? Your love of the Halflings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind....

GANDALF: Yes, I believe it has. In fact *hehehehe* I'm rather *hahahaha* high on it *hoohoohoohoo* right now.

PJ: CUT!!!!!!!!!! Ian, you weren't really supposed to smoke it!

GANDALF: *heeheeheeheehee*

PJ: *sigh* OK, I guess we'll take a short break here...

(Before you do the next scene with Aragorn and the Hobbits, please be so kind as to finish this one, OK?)

[Meneltarmacil]

Since I started the Orthanc scene parody, maybe I should finish it. Here goes...
(Saruman's study inside Orthanc)
SARUMAN: Sauron has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor sees all... His gaze pierces clouds, shadow, earth and flesh.
GANDALF: You mean he can see me when I dress in drag and sing "Oops I Did It Again"?
SARUMAN: What did you just say?!!!
GANDALF: Uhh, nothing, nothing!
SARUMAN: OK, as I was saying before, he is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he will have summoned an army great enough to launch an assault on Middle Earth.
GANDALF: You know this? How?
SARUMAN: I have seen it...
*they go into Saruman's throne room*
GANDALF: A Palantir is a dangerous tool, Saruman.
SARUMAN: Why? Why should we fear to use it? Everybody's doing it. It's kind of the new wave. Plus I got mine at half price!
GANDALF: They are not all accounted for, the lost Seeing Stones. We do not know who else got theirs for half price.
SARUMAN: The IRS have left Minas Morgul. Thy will find the Ring, and force the one who carries it to fill out endless forms!
GANDALF: Frodo!
*he tries to leave, but Saruman shuts all the doors*
SARUMAN: We must join with him. We must join with Sauron. It would be wise, my friend...
GANDALF: Tell me, "friend", when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?
SARUMAN: AAAAAH!
*suddenly, the theme from "The Matrix" plays and they both attack each other with impossible martial arts moves. The whole room becomes a blur*
*Gandalf snatches Saruman's staff*
SARUMAN: Hey! I'm supposed to steal YOUR staff! You messed it up again!
PJ: Cut! Let's try that one again!
SARUMAN*pulls out lightsaber*: You will join the Dark Side...
PJ: Cut! Wrong movie! This is NOT Attack of the Clones, and you are NOT Count Dooku!
SARUMAN: Grrrrr.. Oh, I mean *snatches Gandalf's staff* I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected a way of... PAIN!
*sends Gandalf to the top of the tower*

[Sauron_the_Abhorred]

can i try the aragorn/jimmy and hobbits scene......

SAM: Who is this Jimmy, and where is he taking us?
Jimmy: To Candy-Land, Master Gamee, to the house of Saddam Hussein, where he will tell us about his WMD(blank stare from hobbits)....and youre ring, Frodo....
SAM: ok.....


ok, sorry taht was short and stupid
[img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[ July 14, 2003: Message edited by: Sauron_the_Abhorred ]

[Meneltarmacil]

OK, in my opinion, we have had enough of this Jimmy guy. I'm calling him Aragorn in this post.

ARAGORN: This is the great watchtower of Amon Sul. We shall rest here for the night.
*he gives them the swords and leaves*
FRODO: What are you doing?!!!!
MERRY: Ordering a pizza from Dominoes. What do you want on it?
FRODO: Hang up, you fools, hang up!
*they see several dark shapes approaching and run up to the top*
*suddenly five men in expensive suits close in on them*
FRODO: Oh no! Politicians!
POLITICIAN: Blah blah blah blah blah.
PIPPIN: I think he's asking for a campaign contribution.
SAM: Back you devils!
*they fight*
*Frodo puts on the ring*
*the politicians now look like brainless zombies (which they are in real life [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] )*
POLITICIAN:Blah blah blah blah blah blah. *stabs Frodo*
*Aragorn leaps in and gives them a sheet of paper*
*they read it*
POLITICIAN: WREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
*they run off*
MERRY: What did you DO?!!
ARAGORN: Cut off all their campaign funding.
*examines Frodo*
ARAGORN: He has been stabbed by a Political Blade. This is beyond my skill to heal. He will soon start wearing an expensive suit and trying to run for office.

Sorry, that was the best I could come up with...

[elfearz1]

Sauron_the_Abhorred and Menel, I thought yours were really good. hahahaha politicians.

*Aragorn grabs Frodo and takes him near the trolls where he sets him down*
Sam: Look mr. Frodo it's Bilbo's campaign managers , that he ran into.
Aragorn: Sam, do you know what a Lawyer is?
Sam: Lawyer?
Aragorn: most people call them scum...
Sam: Scum, lawyer, ah it's a parasite
Aragorn: It may help to slow the poison.. *hands him a torch and sam runs off*
*Aragorn goes off and finds a lawyer*
*stoops to it's level (haha [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img])*
*Arwen puts her sword under his chin*
Arwen:Your talking to a Lawyer? What's this a Ranger caught off his rocker

[Sauron_the_Abhorred]

thanks, elfearz1, that was my first try(explains how short it was) i will try again.... [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]


Zoom in on Frodo's face, and everything turs black.

ARWEN(in Sindarin): Frodo, I am Arwen. Listen to me, we will get you a lawyer, so you can sue those politicians. You will earn money and be able to pay my father so he can heal you.You shall NOT become a politician.
Merry: Who is she?
Sam: SHes an Elf!!!
Arwen(sindarin): Jimmy( [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img] ) I must take him to my father, he[Frodo] is in need of a lawyer. My father can get him one, for his lawyer knows terrific ones.
JIMMY: Wait why does your dad need a lawyer?
ARWEN: So he can sue Bush, whaddya think?
Merry: What are they saying?
SAM: I don't know, something about their feet.
Arwen takes off with Frodo.
SAM: What are you doing, those Politicians are still out there!

[Meneltarmacil]

Since I'm apparently the unofficial "Saruman" parody guy, here's the next part.

(Orthanc)
*After the moth flies up to Gandalf, Saruman is shown ripping down trees and breeding his army*
(later)
SARUMAN: The friendship with Saruman is not lightly thrown aside. One ill turn deserves another... It is over. Embrace the power of the Ring, or embrace your own destruction!

*Gandalf leaps off the tower, but misses Gwaihir*

GANDALF: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...
*thud*

(author's note: No, he isn't really dead) [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[ July 19, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Airehiriel]

Mind if I join in? ... I'll take that as a yes! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

********************************
Scene leaves the falling Gandalf to focus on a waking Frodo in Rivendell.

Frodo: Where am I?

Gandalf: Hmm, what?

Gandalf rolls over and looks at Frodo.

Oh, sorry! Just napping...

He jumps from the bed and into the chair, then clears his throat.

You are in the house of Elrond, and it is 10 o'clock in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know.

Frodo: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Yes, I'm here. And you're lucky to be here too. A few more hours, and you would would have been on the campaign trail. But you had some strength in you, my dear Hobbit.

Frodo smiles at Gandalf, but then his smile fades.

Frodo: What happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us? Why weren't you at the Porceline Cow?

Gandalf: Oh, I'm sorry Frodo. I was delayed.
_____________________________________
Gandalf has a flash back of falling down the Tower of Orthanc. He lands face first on the dirt. He lies there for a moment, then he lifts his head and spits dirt from his mouth. He jumps up and waves madly at the giant eagle. Gwaihir swoops down with lightening speed and grabs Gandalf in his talons.

Gandalf: It is me! Gandalf! Gandalf! I'm not prey, not food!!!

Gwaihir hears Gandalf and proceeds to drop him off, rather unceremoniously, on the nearest mountain top.
_____________________________________
Frodo: Gandalf? Are you high again?

Gandalf: Nothing, Frodo. Uh, I mean, no, Frodo.

Sam runs in, squealing like a girl.

Sam: Frodo! Frodo!

Frodo rolls his eyes, but then quickly conceals it with a big, fake smile.

Frodo: Sam!

Sam grabs Frodo in a strangle hold and tossels his hair in a noogie fashion.

Sam: Bless you, you're awake!

Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side. He hasn't bathed in three days!

Frodo catches the scent as his head is under Sam's armpit.

Frodo: Blecch! I can tell!

Sam releases Frodo. His hair is a wild mess.

Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you're beginning to mend.

Frodo glances at the tall elf standing beside Gandalf's chair. He is dressed in typical elf clothing, yet he wears dark sunglasses.

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Baggins.

Frodo gives Elrond an uneasy smile.

[Meneltarmacil]

Hmmm... another important scene has been skipped... *sigh* I won't complain, though, I'll just do it now...

(Arwen is fleeing from all the Politicians)
*they reach the river*

POLITICIAN: Blah blah blah blah blah.
ARWEN: If you want him, come and claim him!
*the politicians charge across the river*
ARWEN: Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer: Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulaer!
*nothing happens*
ARWEN(louder): Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer: Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulaer!
*nothing happens and the politicians are almost on the other side*
ARWEN: Geez, why did the batteries have to run out NOW?!

Finally, just in the nick of time, Elrond's lawyer shows up and quite literally sues the pants off them [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

ARWEN: Frodo! No, don't give in! Not now!
FRODO: Blah blah blah blah blah.
ARWEN: What grace has given me, let it pass to him. Let him be spared. Save him.

[ July 16, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Leona]

Okay, anyone who has read any of my other posts knows I'm not funny, at all, so for your sake, and mine, I'm not even going to try this, I'd probably end up injuring someone untimely or something like that.

Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate all of you for doing an awsome job, and keep it up, this is funny.

[Oddwen]

Thank you, Leona!
Just a little tidbit here...


Arwen: ...Let him be spared...

*fuzzy hallucination of a man in sunglasses*

Agent E: "Mistur Baaagins. Surprised to see me?"

Fro: AHH!

(Airehiriel's post should be here)

*abruptly scene changes to Frodo and Sam walking slow-mo around Rivendell*

Music: la la la...all is peaceful...go to sleep...sleep would feel really good...

Director: What? Who's in charge of music?

Old Man Willow: Well I intend to have some part of this movie!

*Frodo walks past a bush and gets his hair caught in a twig. Many minutes of he and Sam getting it unstuck*

*walking wobbily on, the two are suddenly run into by hobbits carrying vegetables...didn't we already do this scene?*

Pip: Weeee'reee sooooo gllaaaadd tooooo seeee yoooouuuu uuuupp Froooooodooooooo...

Sam: Ooooohhhh noooooo weeee'reee stuuuuuck innn sloooo-moooo!!!!!!

*Bilbo runs up. Slow-mo stops, thank goodness!*

Bilbo: Frodo my lad!

Fro: Oh, Uncle Bilbo! You saved us from the evil Directors and their plot!

B: I want you to take a look at my book. It's almost finished, you know.

F: Wow...spiffy! Hey, these drawings are in crayon! THAT'S where my crayons went!

B: My dear boy...*strokes his cheek fondly* You can't play with toys all your life. *watches Merry and Pippin and Sam jump roping*

B: Ah, what the heck. You're only young once. Let's join them!

*the two run off joyfully*

Ok, and the next scene would be....Gandalf and Elrond's discussion.

Agent E *watching the hobbits jump roping*: His strength returns.

Gandy: And we missed the chance at his wallet! How many times have I told you...

AE: His wound is healed. The world of politics has no longer any appeal to him. But he may be longwinded at times.

G: Hmph. I still say...

AE: What is this you tell me of Saruman? Our list of allies grows THEEN!

G: Well, we've still got elves.

*music swells, Legolas rides in and stops abruptly. Is thrown headlong off the horse*

AE: Nope! Not on my watch! We're goin' home! Beyond the sea! Over the river and through the woods, to Valinor we go! La da de da da da la de da da da da...

G: Uhh, dwarves?

*Gimli and co. walk in grumpily*

AE: Eew, what are you? Some sort of sicko?

G: Uhhhhhhhhhhh..................Hobbits?

Hobbits still jump roping: One, two, buckle my shoe...

AE: Are you deaf as well as dumb? I SAID our list of allies grows THEEN!

G: Hmm. It seems there was another race...but no matter.

Aragorn (from the sidelines): A-HEM!

G: Hmm? Oh! Men! *cough* *in a grand voice* It is in Men we must put our trust.

AE: Men? Men are weak. Men...are a virusssss, a disease, a cancer of our planet.

G: Boy, who woke up on the wrong side of the flet this morning?

AE: I was there, Gandalf. I was there...quite a long time ago. Isildur
took the Ring.

*flashback*
Elrond: *grandly and dramatically swinging his arms* Cast it into the fire!

Isildur: *dazed deer in the headlights look*

Elrond: *even more grandly* Destroy it!

Isildur: *slow-mo* Nooo... *he walks off*

Elrond: *slow-mo* ISIIIIIIIILLLLLLDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRR!!*

*end flashback*

G: Woah, dude! You've got to stay out of those slow-mo scenes because they do NOT help at all.

AE: The world of Men is failing. It will fall into ruins. Bwahaha.

G: Yeah, but there's one guy, right? One who could reclaim the throne of Gondor?

*music swells, camera switches to man riding into Rivendell on a horse*

Boromir: Hey, this isn't Osgili-

*abrupt music stop*

Director: Wait, wait! Boromir, not yet!

B: Oh, oops. Sorry.

G: Where was I? Oh. One who could reclaim the throne of Gondor.

*music swells. Aragorn walks down some stairs slow-mo, trips on a roller skate that some careless elf left about. Continues falling in slow-mo for several minutes.*

G: Nevermind. We're all doomed.


Next scene is...the meeting between Borrums and Aragorn. Ooh, I'd like to get my claws into that... [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img]

[ July 17, 2003: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Meela]

Boromir walks into the library and sees Aragorn.

Boromir: So... you here alone?

Aragorn: Don't even think about it. I'm engaged.

Boromir hastily turns to admire the picture on the wall.

Boromir: Oooh... *runs over to the Shards of Narsil and picks up the hilt*

Boromir (singing): Here I am! In Rivendell! *strums the hilt like a guitar* With this! Grumpy old man!! *more strumming*

Aragorn: Watch who you're calling old!

Boromir pouts, throws down the hilt, and walks out.

Arwen swans in and begins to massage Aragorn's shoulders.

Arwen: Don't listen to him, sweetie. Come with me! I found a new breed of frog in the river!

Aragorn: oooh! *follows her out*


On the bridge....

Arwen picks up a frog and strokes it.

Arwen: Do you remember when we caught our first frog together?

Aragorn: I thought I had strayed into a wildlife park.

Arwen: Long years have passed, and I haven't seen a single frog in these parts. Until now *smiles*

Aragorn: What was it you said to me... oh yeah, if it's back is lumpy, it's poisonous.

Arwen: And...

Aragorn: Oh, and that we should set up our own wildlife park.

Arwen: And to that I hold. I would rather share a dozen acres of soggy marshland with you than share a thousand green fields with my family.

Aragorn: Listen honey, that's very nice. But I gotta go.

Arwen: Oh, wait... *searches her pockets and produces the Evenstar* this is for you. It's to remind you of me. It croaks like a frog. *the Evenstar croaks out an elven frog song of some sort*

Aragorn: Honey, it's... lovely. Look, I'll call you, okay? *dashes off*

[Airehiriel]

Meela, I can't belive you stopped! Isn't it time for the Council of Elrond scene that you love doing so much? I'm half tempted to do it now! But I won't because I know how much you love it.

So, take it away, Meela!

[Meneltarmacil]

To Meela: I know, this is part of the Council of Elrond [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img], but it won't interfere with your parody. Just watch.

(the Council of Elrond)

AGENT ELROND: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old...
*suddenly everybody's cell phones ring*
AGENT ELROND: You've been summoned here to...
(everybody at once): I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M ON THE PHONE!!!!
(several minutes later)
AGENT ELROND: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted [img]smilies/mad.gif[/img] ....

*insert Meela's scene HERE [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img] *

[Airehiriel]

Oh, that sounds like a very bad thing Meela. I shall try to be patient...(heavy sigh) but patience is just not one of my virtues. I may have to eat my hand while I wait...(now where on earth did THAT come from?!) I'd better go now before I say anything else.

[Firondoiel]

These are so funny! I'll have to try one after Meela's greatly anticipated "Council of Elrond." [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

"Boromir: Hey, this isn't Osgili-"

hehehe. I'm so glad you put that in!! I loved that scene in Crazy Scenes with Pictures! When I was watching POTC I died laughing when the two pirates break into the prison and exclaim, "This ain't the armoury!" All I could say was "This isn't Osgiliath!" I got some strange looks! [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

[Meela]

To be re-added at a date.

[Meneltarmacil]

That was very...ah...interesting, Meela. [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]
Oh, anyway...

BILBO: My old sword, Sting. Here, take it, take it!
FRODO:*drops it* Ungh, it's so heavy!
BILBO: Oops, wrong sword.*gives him another one*
FRODO: That's better.
BILBO: The blade glows a bright neon pink when orcs are close. Here's something else *pulls out chainmail shirt* Mithril. Light as a feather, and as hard as dragon's scales. Here, let me see you put it on.
*Frodo unbuttons his shirt and reveals the ring*
BILBO: My old ring! I should very much like to hold it again..EYAAAAHHHH!!!
*he jumps at Frodo, foaming at the mouth and growling like a rabid dog*
*three security elves just barely manage to pry him off Frodo*

Please be so kind as to save the Balrog scene for me, OK?

[ July 20, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Oddwen]

Very...interesting Meela. But you forgot one leedle important thing!

Agent E *the next day, rather hungover*: The company accompanying the Ringbearer shall be nine...the nine loudest people here...ouch.

Pip *loudly*: Where are we going???? Will there be mushrooms??!??

AE: Get him out of here! My poor head...

Eef you do not mindt, I shall pree-form-a a scene from-a the extended edition-a

Agent E: Well, that's it. We elves have committed the ultimate error and are sending a merry troupe of fools on a fool's errand-I mean the Ringbearer is setting out on his hopeless quest! On him alone is any blame if you fail!

*Fro clears his throat nervously*

AE: Moreover, the rest of you are not going to be forced to go any further than you will!

*The eight look at each other, then at various elf-maidens gathered in the crowd. They saunter caaaaaasually and try to mingle*

AE: Holllllld it!

*the eight freeze*

AE (Barney Fife style): Get back here!

*the eight slink back*

AE: Off with ya already!

*the nine leave. Aragorn looks back at Arwen, who looks as if she's about to cry*

Aragorn: Do not worry, my sweet! Soon we shall be together, and no murky bog will tear us apart!

Arwen: What? Oh, Finduilas, hand me another onion...boy these are good!

Aragorn: *twitch*

Meanwhile, just outside...

Fro: Gandalf, which way? Right or left?

Gandy: Umm, turn in the same direction as Legolas's bad ear.

Leggy: Hey! *sobs*

Gandy: Oops! My bad. *sniggers evilly*


The Crebain etc. scene is next...

[Sauron_the_Abhorred]

i guess I'll go next... [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

Boromir is helping hobbits sword-fight. HE starts fighting Merry and all of a sudden, the scene changes to the James Bond "Die Another Day" scene, where Pierce B. is sword fighting the other dude( [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] ). After scene, swithback to FotR.

MERRY:Wow Borrums, you can fight.
BOR: Thank you.
FRODO(spotting the birds): What is that?
GIMLI: Nothing, ist just a bit of cotton candy that Elrond must have let off for us!!!
BOR: Its moving fast, and against the wind.
LEGOLAS: Crebain, from FUNLAND!!!!
GANDALF: Hide.
Everyone proceeds to hide.
After Crebain leave:
FRODO: Cool, they left us TOYS!!!!!!
SAM:Alright,there's even BARBIE DOLLS, YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Meneltarmacil]

So the next scene is... the Pass of Caradhras. Unfortunately, my mind is completely blank. However, I'd already thought of a good idea for the Balrog scene at Khazad Dum... [img]smilies/evil.gif[/img] .

[Oddwen]

*the nine come out of their hiding places*
Gandalf *grandly*: Spies of Saruman! We are being watched!

Aragorn: No duh!

Gandy: We must take the paths of Caradhras!

*fancy camera zoom-in and ultra-dramatic music plays*

*Frodo struggles bravely up the hill. Boromir randomly sticks his foot out and trips him. The poor hobbit tumbles down the hill, turning into a giant snowball as he goes and takes Aragorn out*

Aragorn: Stupid fat hobbit! Watch where you're going!

Frodo *digging furiously*: I can't find the Ring! Help help!

*the nine spend all day looking for it*

Leggy: It's hopeless! We are doomed! Alas! *sob*

Fro: Oh, wait! Here it is! It was around my neck all the time! Heh heh, strange chances of the world, eh?

*Boromir thumps him soundly on the head. The rest of the nine ignore him for some hours. They continue upward*

*Unfortunately, the snow seems to grow wilder the higher they get. The eight are annoyed to see that the Elf can walk upon the snow*

Leggy: Pbbbllttt!!

Aragorn (shaking his fist): I'll get you, elf, if it's the last thing I do!

Frodo: You dropped me...again!

Leggy (who has walked ahead): There is a fell voice on the air!

Gandalf: What fell on your hair?

Leggy: No, an evil sounding voice!

Boromir: An anvil fell upon your hair?

Leggy: No! Something evil this way comes!

Gandy: What?

Leggy: IT IS SARUMAAAAAN!!!!

*A flyover of Orthanc. Saruman is standing atop the tower tapdancing and singing opera, which is very hard to do, needless to say. Once again with the fellowship, lightning suddenly strikes the overhanging snowbank above their heads and sends it tumbling down*

All: AAHHHHmMMppphh!

The end.

Next scene...fanclub credits.

[ July 21, 2003: Message edited by: Oddwen ]

[Oddwen]

Heh heh...couldn't resist. My brother always breaks in with "The End" at that moment.
On with it, then!

*the fellowship manage to dig themselves out*

Boromir: Gandalf! We must get out of here!

Gandy: I don't know. I kinda like it here.

Aragorn: It will be the death of the hobbits!

Pip: I dunno. I kinda like it too.

Merry (thumps his head): Speak for yourself, rodent!

Aragorn: We must stop at the Gap of Rohan! They are having a summer sale!

Gandy: In January??

Fro: Has anyone seen my toes?

Borrums: No! We must take the Ring...........bearer to my city!

Gimli: No! Moria!

Sam: I hanp peew mi ipps!

Merry: Sacrifice the Ringbearer to the Mountain-god!

Gandy: So, here are our options.
1: Stay here and freeze.
2: Go to the Gap of Rohan and shop 'til we drop.
3: Go to Minas Tirith and let the evil Steward's family get ahold of the Ring.
4: Go to a deep dark dank doggoned dungeonous hole in the ground where there are certain to be orcs and lots of other nasty things.
5: Sacrifice the Ringbearer to appease the Mountain-god.
6: Wash our hair.
Did I leave anything out?

Fro (thinking): Boy, what a responsibility!

All: Let the Ringbearer decide!

Fro: Ulp!

That's as far as my imagination can take me at the moment...next scene is Fro's decision and a Journey in the Dark.

[Meneltarmacil]

SARUMAN: Moria... You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep.You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad Dum.
*turns page in book*
*page shows an illustration of a Britney Spears concert [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img] [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img] [img]smilies/eek.gif[/img]*
GANDALF: Let the Ringbearer decide.
FRODO: *ulp*
*"Final Jeopardy" music plays*
FRODO: Let's all stay here and freeze to death. And get rid of Bill the Pony while we're at it.
ARAGORN: Hey! That's not in the script!
FRODO(looking at script): OH! Er.. I mean.. We will go through the mines.

(NOTE: Make sure you get the Fellowship to the Bridge of Khazad Dum before July 26 so I won't keep you waiting for the Balrog/Gandalf scene. I won't be able to get online from then until August 1.)

[ July 21, 2003: Message edited by: Meneltarmacil ]

[Meneltarmacil]

OK, maybe I'll do another scene...

GIMLI: The walls of Moria!
ARAGORN: The mines are no place for a pony. Go on, Bill. Don't worry, he knows the way home.
*loud crashing noise in the distance as Bill falls off a cliff*
ARAGORN: Or maybe not.
GANDALF: Isildim... It mirrors only starlight and moonlight...
*the door starts glowing a bright neon pink*
GANDALF Annon edhellen! Edro hi ammen!
*nothing*
Meanwhile...
BOROMIR: I was going to write a letter to Elrond saying which way we've gone, but I don't know the Elvish word for "friend".
ARAGORN(as Gandalf is pushing the doors): Mellon.
Just as Gandalf had put his full weight against the doors, they open. He loses his balance and falls on his face.

Next scene is... The Watcher in the Water.