The Lost Diaries of LOTR

[Maltaharma]

First of all, there is a difference between the <I>secret</I> diaries and the <I>lost</I> diaries. Though Ani's were funny too, (and i swear i didnot steal this diary idea) I'd like to might my own contribution. Amazing! We both had this diary idea...oh well. Great minds think a like!<P>The Lost Diary of Gandalf the Wizard<P>Day One <BR>Bilbo’s party. Frodo is dancing about with a lampshade on his head. Sam is attempting to flirt, but to no avail. I swear, if Merry and Pippin touch my fireworks one more time I’m turning them into haggis. Whatever haggis is. <P>Day Two <BR>Bilbo’s left for Rivendell. I told him to take the bus, but he insisted on an eagle for the frequent flyer miles. <BR>Frodo has inherited Bag End. I told him to hide his ring, for I fear it is something fearful that I fear. When he asked why, I just told him it doesn’t have insurance yet, so we should keep it secret. Keep it safe. <P>Day Three <BR>I ride to Minas Tirith. My butt is really, really, sore. Shadowfax is cheezed off at me for riding so fast, but I seriously do not care. <P>Day Four <BR>I used the Gondor search engine, and found out that what I feared to fear was so fearful it was actually fear-a-full. <BR>Frodo owns the One Ring. Yes. The special edition ring from Sauron’s line of Evil Jewelry. There was only one ever made. The earrings, the necklace, and the bracelet have been destroyed, and now only this ring remains until Sauron is out of business. <BR>We must destroy Evil Jewelry Inc. <P>Day Five <BR>I ride back to Hobbiton. My butt is really, really sore. See Day Three. <P>Day Six <BR>I run into Bag End and hit my head on the chandelier. So much for a dramatic entrance. <BR>Frodo gives me Advil. <BR>I tossed his ring into the fire. Frodo starts freaking out, screaming about his insurance coverage blah blah blah. I hit him with my staff to make him shut up. <BR>When he comes to, I show him the secret writing which has appeared on the ring: <BR>One Ring to rule them all One Ring to find them One Ring to bring them all And in the darkness bind them!<BR>I let the drama sink in. How I savor these moments. <BR>As I pace dramatically I trip and go flying out the window. Luckily, my fall is broken by landing on Frodo’s spying little gardener, Sam Gamgee. “I wasn’t dropping no eaves sir, honest!” Sam protests. I am very close to turning him into haggis (whatever that is) but I don’t. Instead, I make him carry Frodo’s stuff as they start off for Rivendell. <P>Day Seven <BR>I take my leave of Frodo and Sam. I tell them to meet me at the Prancing Pony in Bree. (Why they named a town after a kind of cheese is beyond me.) The secret password to give Butterbur is “Gandalf is a stud”. <BR>I ride off to see Saruman. <P>Day Eight <BR>Saruman’s a little different. Number One, he’s suddenly into all black décor. Number Two, he’s fallen in with an orc gang. Number Three, he’s beaten me up and now I’m sitting up here on his stupid tower like a neglected parrot. I could use a cracker. <P>Day Nine <BR>Suddenly, a little moth comes and perches on my bushy eyebrows. Normally I would squish it, but am so bored I decide to talk to it. <BR>Saruman was watching. He thinks it’s weird that I talk to bugs. <BR>I’m getting very depressed sitting up here. <P>Day Ten <BR>Saruman comes up to finish me off. He’s sick of me sitting directly over his skylight. <BR>Just as he’s about to chuck me into space, an eagle comes! I jump on and we fly away, Saruman cursing. <BR>I get frequent flyer miles. Now I have a platinum airline card. Go me.