The Secret diaries of The Lord of the Rings - The Barrow-Downs Discussion Forum

Airetauriel · 03-14-2002, 04:40 AM

This is going round on email at the moment - apologies for anyone who ahs already read it, but I couldn't resist posting it! Read it and weep! Unfortunately I can't take the credit for it, but I'm working on the secret diary of Gollum, if that's any help!Lord of the Rings: Secret Diaries _________________________________The secret diary of LegolasDay One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring tacky.Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.Day 33 : Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.__________The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of GondorDay One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.Day Three Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.Day Four Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Stupid Ring. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...Day Four: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything.Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir,quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant favoritism most annoying.Day Ten: Why isn't Aragorn into me ?Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other news, Gandalf died.Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.Day 33 : Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!__________ THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:Day One: Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.Day Three Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.Day Four Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.Day Six: Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.Day Ten: Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome power.Day Eleven: Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.Day 24 : Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.Day 27 : Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.Day 30 : Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?Day 33 : Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.Day 36 : Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway. Airetauriel

03-14-2002, 04:40 AM	#1
Airetauriel Animated Skeleton Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 47	The Secret diaries of The Lord of the Rings This is going round on email at the moment - apologies for anyone who ahs already read it, but I couldn't resist posting it! Read it and weep! Unfortunately I can't take the credit for it, but I'm working on the secret diary of Gollum, if that's any help!<P>Lord of the Rings: Secret Diaries<BR>_________________________________<P>The secret diary of Legolas<P>Day One:<BR>Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some <BR>tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission <BR>- gold ring tacky.<P>Day Four:<BR>Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the <BR>time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted <BR>we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.<P>Day Six:<BR>Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am <BR>developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on <BR>my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years <BR>or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.<P>Day Eleven:<BR>In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite <BR>sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 <BR>years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored <BR>fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my <BR>hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 <BR>years, why would it start now?<P>Day 30:<BR>All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously <BR>starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries <BR>anything. Still the prettiest.<P>Day 33 :<BR>Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already <BR>have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.<P>Day 35:<BR>Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn <BR>as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get <BR>any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. <BR>Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men <BR>caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. <BR>So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky <BR>braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark <BR>times.<P>__________<P>The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor<P>Day One:<BR>Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior. He thinks he's so <BR>great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just <BR>because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan <BR>and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there <BR>for a bit.<P>Day Three<BR>Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.<P>Day Four<BR>Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. <BR>Stupid Ring. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor <BR>shoved right up his...<P>Day Four:<BR>Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will <BR>kill him if he tries anything.<P>Day Six:<BR>Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." <BR>"Boromir, let me carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir,quit trying to cut <BR>off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant <BR>favoritism most annoying.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Why isn't Aragorn into me ?<P>Day Eleven:<BR>Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not <BR>turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what <BR>happened to him. Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other <BR>news, Gandalf died.<P>Day 30:<BR>In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my <BR>rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in <BR>trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has <BR>spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in <BR>nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.<P>Day 33 :<BR>Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must <BR>admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled <BR>around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle <BR>(made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!<P>__________<P><BR>THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:<P>Day One:<BR>Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave <BR>me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.<P>Day Three<BR>Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.<P>Day Four<BR>Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount <BR>Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the <BR>ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.<P>Day Six:<BR>Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after <BR>the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries <BR>anything.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had <BR>no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome <BR>power.<P>Day Eleven:<BR>Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat <BR>not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. <BR>peculiar.<P>Day 24 :<BR>Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me <BR>and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow.<BR>Was sad to see pointy hat go.<P>Day 27 :<BR>Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she <BR>kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo <BR>Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my gave her my extra pair of <BR>breeches since she seemed fond of them.<BR>Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.<P>Day 30 :<BR>Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a <BR>group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not <BR>affecting them. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?<P>Day 33 :<BR>Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure <BR>he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite <BR>huge.<P>Day 36 :<BR>Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Am <BR>sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea <BR>of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, <BR>he never would have liked me anyway.<P><BR> <P>Airetauriel