documentary

[Meela]

id like ure opinion on this. its a well... documentary ive been working on for a while, basically lotr humour, and i want an opinion. its not finished, btw.


Aragorn’s homemade documentary- the filming of The Lord Of The Rings

“Soooo…. as you can see, we’re well into filming by now… today we started a new scene, at Amon Hen.” (smoothes hair down and brushes dust off coat)
(Aragorn points the camcorder at the set. Peter Jackson is standing by the camera with Frodo.)
There’s the director… “Hey, Peter! Give us a wave!” Peter waves at the camera.
Aragorn (close to camera): he has a vast collection of ‘excuses’ to be with Frodo. Avoid him at all costs!” (nods knowingly)
“Alrighty then… this is my scene! (shows off sword) And this is my sword… nifty little gadget!”
Boromir runs up to the camcorder screen and yells.
“Bleeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuurrrrrggghhh!!!!!!” (runs off again)
“A brief commentary from Boromir, there…. (coughs) anyway… um… over here we have Legolas and Gimli! (Legolas and Gimli wave cheerfully. Aragorn turns to the camera and whispers) You have to be kinda careful around Gimli… he’s um… a bit touchy cos the hobbits put gum in his helmet, and it ruined his beard. Fortunately Saruman knows a thing or two about beards, and was able to help him out. But, just don’t offer him anything chewy, ok?” (Starts shaking with silent laughter) “It was kinda funny, though…”(bursts out laughing and collapses onto the ground)

Later that evening…
“Sooo… where were we? Oh yeah, the gum incident….” (cracks up and rolls around on the floor)

Two hours later…
“Well, here we are in the marquee… where the cast and crew eat their meals… (carefully steps over the limp body of a drunk dwarven extra) as you can see, Legolas eats all the lettuce, (Legolas holds up his plate) gosh! Carrot… branching out tonight, are we? Anyway… so, here we have Gimli and his raw meat… (peers at Gimli’s plate) hmm… diced turkey… delicious… and over here we have the hobbits and their mushrooms… ooh, and a few potatoes… (steals a potato, oblivious to the hobbits’ screams of protest and calls for the lawyers) and over in the corner is Boromir… (Boromir waves, his pink lollipop in one hand, and his Beano comic in the other) and there’s Gandalf… (peers) stuffing his pipe with weed…”

Later, in tent…

“As you can see, this is my home during filming! (camera moves round, homing in particularly on Aragorn’s gold stars on the mirror) I give myself a gold star for every scene I do well, so as you can see, there’s a star for every scene! (big grin at screen) And… over here’s my dressing table… with my hair gel… and over here’s my clothes… and my boots… and my felt tips…” (jumps on bed and bounces up and down) “this is my extremely comfy bed… which is kinda surprising considering the rest of the living conditions are as bad as Rivendell- (claps hand over mouth and giggles) you’d better not tell Elrond I said that…”

Dawn next morning…

“Good morning!” (Aragorn comes out of his tent) “As you can see, we start filming early… (jumps out of the way as Boromir rushes by with a plate of pancakes) … giving us very little time for breakfast and tv… (carefully steps over a random portable television) … watch out for the hobbits. They get kinda grouchy early in the day… (briskly wipes off the mud thrown at him by Merry) … don’t worry about them…”
(Walks over to a large glitzy building decorated with gold stars)
“So… over here we have the armoury… decorated by the orcs, you know! They do most of the decor round here… (steps inside and heads for a large gold chest) … and in here is Narsil… my wonderful sword… (strokes it fondly) … my precious… (gets slapped by Gollum as he creeps past) … owwww…. I forgot, ok??? (turns to camera) Gollum’s a bit protective when it comes to his lines… gosh, it’s my scene!!” (runs out)

Later that day…

“Well, here we are by the river… we’re working on the Lothlorien scenes. As you can see we have the Lorien boats… (camera wobbles madly) …you have to be kinda careful on these things… (wobble) … they can be a bit- (boat capsizes)

Two hours later in Boromir’s caravan…

“Good evening, and welcome to Boromir’s lodgings!!” (camera swoops in on Boromir, who is sat on the bed reading Lord Of The Rings) “As you can see, he likes to keep up to date with the plot as we film…

(Boromir pulls the camera over to him. Aragorn falls off the bed) “Hi everyone! As you know, I am Boromir, and you most definitely know that I am waaaay better than Aragorn-“ (Mad wrestle with Aragorn who tries to snatch back the camera) “um… excuse us for a moment…” (mad punch-up can be heard on the other side of the bed. Camera screen goes fuzzy)

Three days later…

“Hello again, and welcome to Helm’s Deep!” (Aragorn waves at the camera and grins, revealing a bandaged hand and a missing front tooth) “Boromir can’t be with us today… well, obviously we’re now onto the second film… yes, the second film!! Dah dah daaaaaaaaaaaahhh! (does a little jig) Plus, he’s sealed up in his tent. We don’t know when he’ll regain consciousness… well, its not my fault I had Narsil in my trousers when he head butted me…”

Two hours later…

“Hi again… (gap toothed smile) have rounded up some people for you to meet! (camera sweeps over to a group of people standing in a huddle) come on over, guys! (group comes on over and lines up nervously in front of the camera)
“Ok… first up we have Faramir… (Faramir waves madly and kisses the camera. Aragorn pushes him back) Do that again and you’ll be joining your brother in the tent. (moves on) and here we have Eowyn… and her brother Eomer… and uncle Theodon… how ya doin’, Theo-dude? (to camera) it really winds him up…” (evil grin)
“Oh, and Grima!! (hugs Grima, who edges away from the camera and runs off) oh well… he’s really nice, you know… just a little camera shy… took us three hours to coax him out from the broom cupboard for his one line yesterday… (shakes his head sorrowfully) I offered to do his role for me, but Peter told me to flush my ego down the toilet, then said I’d better not cos I might block the drains… no… I didn’t get it either…” (walks off looking bewildered, oblivious to the sniggers of the surrounding crew)

A short while later…

“Here we are on set… as you can see, this is Edoras, the city on the hill… (camera swoops in) … and there’s Theodon taking a leak behind the stables… (camera swoops some more) … give us a wave, Theo-dude! (Theodon walks off, swearing loudly. Aragorn smirks and turns back to the camera) sooo… lets see… ah, yes!! Faramir!! (Faramir comes running, jumps in front of the camera, and grins broadly, his arm around Aragorn) … yes… uh, here we have the slightly over-enthusiastic Faramir, brother to Boromir… (whispers close to camera) we’re not quite sure what’s wrong with him… we’ve hidden the sugar and the coffee, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference…”

Later that evening…

(Faramir appears in front of the screen, a large bag of Haribo Starmix in his hands)
“Shhh…. Aragorn doesn’t realise I’ve stolen this… he’s asleep in his tent, snoring like a giant… snorey… thing… (giggles insanely) anywaaay… (looks down and sees the Haribo) oops… you didn’t see those, okay? Nobody but me knows about them… of course, it would be a bit stupid if I didn’t know I ate them… but, its got to stay a secret… I’ll be banned from eating them otherwise… everyone seems to think im kinda hyper… and they’re banning just about everything- (screen goes fuzzy, and thuds are heard in the background)

A few minutes later…

(Faramir re-appears on screen with a black eye)
“Sorry about that… Aragorn obviously woke up… he would speak to you, but unfortunately he’s out cold… (camera zooms in on the unconscious form of Aragorn, lying on the floor) … well, I couldn’t help it… I just kinda spotted Narsil down his trousers… and I kinda bashed him on the head with it…”

Early next morning…

(Faramir hobbles past the screen on crutches, his ankle in a plaster cast. Aragorn sits down in front of the screen)
“Oh yeah… he had an accident… fell down the stairs, poor fellow. Someone accidentally left Narsil lying around… (gets up and walks off laughing loudly)