I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard

[lindil]

I already put this up under the ' One ring to rule them all' thread-but was afraid it would be glossed over there- I don't have the url [?] for the site I found it as a link to any post from Gilthalion at entmoot.
Enjoy!!!


In the internet world of Middle-earth and all things Tolkien, I go by the
Elvish name Gilthalion. I've lately written on some message boards and
sometimes its been pretty... well...

I'll say this much, if you haven't read THE LORD OF THE RINGS, don't bother
reading this stuff. I promise you won't get it!

If you have read this 20th century masterpiece, but you don't pay close
attention to REAL history and current events, then you won't get it either!

(Gilthalion mutters to himself that perhaps HE doesn't get it, himself!)

"THE BOOK OF LORE" ON COMPUTER PROBLEMS

I remembered this from a book of lore that inexplicably appeared on my
shelf. Perhaps it helps explain the nature of some of the computer problems
that bedevil us all.

***
'Revenge?' said Frodo. 'Revenge for what? I still don't understand what all
this has to do with Bilbo, myself, and our computer.'

'It has everything to do with it,' said Gandalf. 'You do not know the real
peril yet; but you shall. I was not sure of it myself when I was last here;
but the time has come to speak. Give me your computer for a moment.'

Frodo rolled open the top of Bilbo's desk. There, between the pigeonholes,
the device was fastened with a chain. He unfastened the chain and handed the
thing slowly to the wizard. It felt suddenly very heavy, as if either it or
Frodo was in some way reluctant for Gandalf to touch it.

Gandalf held it up. It looked to be plated with pure and solid gold. 'Have
you seen any graphics on it?' he asked.

'No,' said Frodo. 'There are none. It's quite plain, and it's never shown
anything but text files.'

'Well then, look!' To Frodo's astonishment and distress, the wizard heaved
it suddenly into the middle of a glowing corner of the fire. Frodo gave a
cry and groped for the tongs; but Gandalf held him back.

'Wait!' he said in a commanding voice, giving Frodo a quick look from under
his bristling brows.

No apparent change came over the thing. After a while Gandalf got up, closed
the shutters outside the window, and drew the curtains. The room became dark
and silent. For a moment the wizard stood looking at the fire; then he
stooped and removed the thing from the hearth with the tongs, and at once
picked it up. Frodo gasped.

'It is quite cool,' said Gandalf. 'Take it!" Frodo received it on his
shrinking lap; it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than ever.

'Open it up!' said Gandalf. 'And look closely.'

As Frodo did so, he saw fine lines, finer than the smallest pixels, running
across the thing, lines of fire that seemed to form the symbols of a
scrolling code. They shown piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a
great depth, despite the thinness of the screen.

qwertyuiop asdfghjkl
zxcvbnm,<> !@#$%^&*()

'I cannot read the fiery code,' said Frodo in a quavering voice. 'No,' said
Gandalf, 'but I can. The letters are Assemblish, of an ancient code, but the
programming language is out of Mordor. This in the Common Tongue is what is
programmed, close enough:

One Thing to link them all and on the Net to bind them.

It is only two lines of a code long known in Assemblish-lore:

Cheap Things for the Consumers willing to buy,
Heaven for the Brokers on their swank cell phones,
Fine for Middle Men bound to lie,
None for the Debtors who can't get loans
From the Land of Mordor where the Profits die.
One Thing to rule them all, One Thing to find them,
One Thing to link them all, and on the Net to bind them
To the Land of Mordor where the Profits die.

He paused, and then said slowly in a deep voice: 'This is the Master-thing,
the One Thing to rule them all. This is the One Thing that he lost many ages
ago, hiding it in luggage that went astray. He greatly desires it but he
must NOT get it.'

Frodo sat silent and motionless. Fear seemed to stretch out a vast hand,
like a dark cloud rising in the East and looming to engulf him. 'This
thing!' he stammered. 'How, how on earth did it come to me?'

***
BUT GILTHALION, HOW DO I KNOW WHETHER MY COMPUTER IS "THE ONE THING?"

Well, you could toss it in the fire and see what happens! (But, if it is not
gold plated, then I wouldn't bother.)

If it turns out to be the One Thing, then you have a quest on your hands!

If not, then you probably needed a new computer anyway.

My fear is (since the book of lore has now mysteriously vanished from my
shelf and I don't know the end of the story) that the One Thing is out there
somewhere.

If this is so, and its evil has awakened, then all Things connected on the
Net will be twisted to its dark purposes.

Do you find yourself spending lots of time with your computer? Are you
curiously reluctant to let another sit before it? Does it gnaw at your mind
when you are not around it? Do you wish that you could carry one of these
Things with you everywhere? Do you desire ever greater and more powerful
Things?

You may be falling under its evil spell!

Cast it into the fire! Save yourselves!

(Gilthalion lifts his CPU from the table. It feels strangely heavy. It seems
altogether precious to him and he thinks of life without it. With a final
mighty effort of his will, he hurls it in the direction of the study window.
But he finds he has only set it gently back in its place.)

"THE BOOK OF LORE" ON SOCIALISM

(That strange Book of Lore has reappeared on my shelf! I set it on the
table, turned around to pick up my glasses, and when I turned back around,
my hand grazed it and it fell open to the following passage...GILTHALION.)

***
He drew himself up then and began to declaim, as if he were making a speech
long rehearsed. "The Middle Ages are gone. The Industrial Age is passing.
The Age of Computers is beginning. The time of Capitalists is over, but our
time is at hand: the world of Men, which we must rule. But we must have
power, power to order all things as we will, for that good which only the
Wise can see.

"And listen, Gandalf, my old friend and helper!" he said, coming near and
speaking now in a softer voice. "I said we, for we it may be, if you will
join with me. A Socialist Government is rising. Against it the old allies
and policies will not avail us at all. There is no hope left in Capitalism
or dying America. This then is one choice before you, before us. We may join
with the Power of Government. It would be wise, Gandalf. There is hope that
way. Its victory is at hand; and there will be rich contributions to those
that aided it. As the Government grows, its proved friends will also grow;
and the Wise, such as you and I, may with patience come at last to direct
its courses, to control it. We can bide our time, we can keep our thoughts
in our hearts, deploring maybe evils done by the way, but approving the high
and ultimate purpose: Knowledge, Rule, Order; all the things that we have
striven in vain to accomplish, hindered rather than helped by rich and idle
Republicans. There need not be, there would not be, any real change in our
designs, only in our means."

"Saruman," I said, "I have heard speeches of this kind before, but only in
the mouths of emissaries sent from Arkansas to deceive the ignorant. I
cannot believe you have brought me so far only to weary my ears."
***

(I set it down as fast as I could! I looked again, but the text had changed.
It seemed to have moved to a much later part in the story...GILTHALION)

***
No Pundits remained alive; their bodies were uncounted. But a great many of
the moderates had given themselves up; and they were afraid, and cried for
mercy.

The Republicans took their welfare from them, and set them to work.

"Help now to repair the evil in which you have joined,' said Erkenbrand;
'and afterwards you shall take an oath never again to vote the Democrats in
office, nor to march with the enemies of Men; and then you shall live free
in your own lands. For you have been deluded by Saruman. Many of you have
got poverty as the result of your trust in him; but had you conquered,
little better would your minimum wage have been."

The moderates of Dunland were amazed, for Saruman had told them that the
Republicans were cruel, and would deny them civil rights, medical care,
food, and education.
***

(Knowing how ephemeral this Book of Lore can be, I typed everything as fast
as I could! I'm glad I did. I left the room for only a moment and the Book
had again vanished!...GILTHALION)
robertwgardner@hotmail.com



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He also has a hilarious photo comparison of several shots of Senators Lieberman and Palpatine!
outrageous and spooky.