Literature a la Tolkien

[Eothain Elfwine]

Recently I read an old thread that took The Lord of the Rings and translated it into the various styles of other literature. It occured to me that one could also do it the other way; take other literature and write it out in Tolkien-esque language. For example, the beginning of Goldilocks and the Three Bears might be rendered as follows:
The Sun rose that morning with the brilliance of her splendour chasing the shadows of the forest into hiding. Having risen early to greet the dawn with glad heart, the fair matriarch of the House of the Bear went to her homely kitchen and prepared simple yet savoury food for the breaking of her family's fast. Soon came her husband from his bed, he the great head and chieftain of that House, and upon his heels their small child, a son and the delight of his parents. Before sitting to their meal, the family stood and faced West for a moment in silent thanks. Then they fell to their food. But lo! there was a disparity in the porridge by reason of the dishing. That food contained within the great bowl of the patriarch was of surpassnig heat like unto the Great Fires of the Mountain, but that within the lesser bowl of the matriarch had taken deadly chill as through the Grinding Ice, and lo! the very small bowl of the son had neither sting of heat nor bite of cold but was all that could be desired of porridge. And in wroth the three bears rose and strode out into the Forest to take counsel as to this fate . . .
And so on and so forth. Choose any kind of literature you desire, though the originally funnier the better, and make it as Tolkien-like as you can!