Extra! Extra! The Real Sam Gamgee Tells It All ...

[maikafanawen]

Allright, please no body kill me for posting this. I mean this all in the name of fun, and am not holding a grudge against anyone! My friend and I wrote this this morning, and decided that some of you guys would like to read it. Hope you like it, and I hope I don't offend anyone:

EXTRA EXTRA: INTERVIEW WITH THE REAL SAM GAMGEE
How come you never see any black hobbits? I’ll tell you. Hi, my name is Sam Gamgee. Oh yeah, I know what you’re thinking. But in the movie, Sam was white! Well … Mr. Peter Jackson seemed to think it was fine to have two kids with a woman he’s not even married to, but is racist enough to keep the casting for LOTR strictly Caucasian. Well, except for the orcs, the ‘bad guys’. No, I, Sam Gamgee, trusted gardener of Frodo Baggins, am a Negro hobbit shipped over from the ‘Black’ Havens. My day is spent picking cotton for the rich and well-to-do hobbits of the Shire. Ever wonder why Master Frodo could wear the same thing every day without it getting ripped or soiled. Well that’s why I was there to make him a new suit every day. I swear that Strider/Aragorn character was sent by Gandalf as a test just to see If I would really let Frodo out of my site. When Frodo was taken by that elf wench ... All I could think was "oh ****, I'm a dead man." And the time when Frodo made to go off on his own, I could have run! Been a free man! But then those words of that Gandalf character rang in my head. “You listen here boy! If you let that Mister Frodo out of your site for second it’ll be your [EDIT]raw hide[/EDIT].” The first thing that ran through my head though was that Gandalf was dead. But there was something about that man that made me just as skeered of him even though he couldn’t really do nothin’ about it. So off I went, taggin along after Master Frodo. Oooh, and then we came across that Gollum character. Now, in the movie it made it seem like I didn’t really have to mind the creature and that he just walked on ahead of me ‘n Frodo, minding his own business, and I just hated him for no pure reason. Well, in the real story, I had to carry the little bugger. Yeah, on my back like a sack of potatoes. Ha-ha, I see you sayin’ ‘Po-ta-toes’. And them conies? Never touched a speck. All of ‘em were split between Mister Frodo and his new pet. I was stuck with lembas (which was really just some dang hard cracker). Here’s another precious story. Shelob, the great she-spider of mordor. The way she was situated, hangin’ from her web, castin’ a gigantic sha’der on the wall, Frodo bout had a fit rantin’ bout this mutant spider out to get ‘im and plumb fainted! So I just scooped ‘im up in muh arms and walked on out of the cave, batting the little spider out of the way from where she was hangin’. Waddn’t no bigger ‘en me lil’ finger. You shoulda seen it. Finally we get to the dang mountain and suddenly Frodo dudn’t wanna throw in the ring. Starts ravin’ and hollerin’ like some drunk dandy until finally I jess push ‘im off. Unfortunately he lands on a ledge below and begins to run back. Then that little prick Gollum jumps him and they fight. Suddenly, Master goes invisible and Gollum looks like he’s fightin’ with some ghost. Then the little guy sinks his six nasty (ain’t never been brushed) teeth into somethin’ and ya hear Mister Frodo yell. He becomes visible then and Gollum plumb jumps off the cliff into the lava below. I sit back then on muh heals and say, “Well glad that’s all done with.” I meet Master comin’ back up the mountain and he makes it like a big deal sayin’ how he had “succumb” to the power of the ring, He then pats me on the back like I’m his brother and says. “I’m glad your with me Sam. Let’s go home.” Stuffin’ his hands in his pockets like we’d jess been out on a mornin’ walk he begins to go down the mountain. Ah then! Wouldn’t ya belive it but who should fly up on his pet eagle but Gandalf hisself. I almost peed muh pants when he set down and picked me ‘n Master up. Then we went off to Gondor and everyone was chantin’ Master’s name like he was some saint. It was quite funny really. Yeah, then we went on back to the Shire and life went back to normal, until Master started getting all “oh, woe is me” and decided to go to the places were the old elf geesers go. Good ridense I say, but saw him off all the same. Then I come back and sit down next to muh wife and lit muh pipe. “Well I’m back,” says I, “And I sure as hell ain’t goin no where eva again!” But they took the last part outa the book. [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]

-Maikafanawen & Kementurien

[ March 30, 2003: Message edited by: maikafanawen ]