The Secret diaries of The Lord of the Rings

[Airetauriel]

This is going round on email at the moment - apologies for anyone who ahs already read it, but I couldn't resist posting it! Read it and weep! Unfortunately I can't take the credit for it, but I'm working on the secret diary of Gollum, if that's any help!<P>Lord of the Rings: Secret Diaries<BR>_________________________________<P>The secret diary of Legolas<P>Day One:<BR>Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some <BR>tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission <BR>- gold ring tacky.<P>Day Four:<BR>Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the <BR>time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted <BR>we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.<P>Day Six:<BR>Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am <BR>developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on <BR>my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years <BR>or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.<P>Day Eleven:<BR>In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite <BR>sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 <BR>years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored <BR>fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my <BR>hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 <BR>years, why would it start now?<P>Day 30:<BR>All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously <BR>starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries <BR>anything. Still the prettiest.<P>Day 33 :<BR>Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already <BR>have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.<P>Day 35:<BR>Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn <BR>as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get <BR>any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. <BR>Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men <BR>caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. <BR>So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky <BR>braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark <BR>times.<P>__________<P>The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor<P>Day One:<BR>Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior. He thinks he's so <BR>great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just <BR>because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan <BR>and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there <BR>for a bit.<P>Day Three<BR>Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.<P>Day Four<BR>Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. <BR>Stupid Ring. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor <BR>shoved right up his...<P>Day Four:<BR>Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will <BR>kill him if he tries anything.<P>Day Six:<BR>Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." <BR>"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir,quit trying to cut <BR>off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant <BR>favoritism most annoying.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Why isn't Aragorn into me ?<P>Day Eleven:<BR>Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not <BR>turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what <BR>happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other <BR>news, Gandalf died.<P>Day 30:<BR>In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my <BR>rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in <BR>trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has <BR>spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in <BR>nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.<P>Day 33 :<BR>Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must <BR>admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled <BR>around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle <BR>(made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!<P>__________<P><BR>THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:<P>Day One:<BR>Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave <BR>me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.<P>Day Three<BR>Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.<P>Day Four<BR>Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount <BR>Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the <BR>ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.<P>Day Six:<BR>Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after <BR>the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries <BR>anything.<P>Day Ten:<BR>Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had <BR>no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome <BR>power.<P>Day Eleven:<BR>Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat <BR>not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. <BR>peculiar.<P>Day 24 :<BR>Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me <BR>and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow.<BR>Was sad to see pointy hat go.<P>Day 27 :<BR>Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she <BR>kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo <BR>Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my gave her my extra pair of <BR>breeches since she seemed fond of them.<BR>Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.<P>Day 30 :<BR>Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a <BR>group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not <BR>affecting them. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?<P>Day 33 :<BR>Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure <BR>he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite <BR>huge.<P>Day 36 :<BR>Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Am <BR>sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea <BR>of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, <BR>he never would have liked me anyway.<P><BR> <P>Airetauriel