BEWARE...the NAZGIRLS!

[Aduyuldaiel-MirkwoodPrincess]

this is just about the greatest story concerning the LOTR actors i think ive stumbeld on in quite a while. im not sure if it should be in the movies catagory or in here...but its funny, so i hope this is the right place.

THANKS SO MUCH TO THE STUPIDRING.COM (net) for this great story ....


The Definition
Nazgirls: Terrifying creatures with high-pitched screams who are strangely attracted to young androgynous males. Once they spot their prey, they will never stop hunting him. (However the appearance of a boy-band member may distract their attention for a moment.) No one knows what happens to their prey once caught, but it's sure to be a fate worse than death.
The Story
"Stay off the road!" Ian McKellan had warned him. But Elijah was caught unawares. He looks up, and feels a grim foreboding. "I think we should get off the road," he tells Sean Astin, who pays no attention to him. "Get off the road!" cries Elijah, and they huddle beneath a tree. Then he hears them: their terrifying screams fill the air. "The Nazgirls! The teenage love-crazed Nazgirls!" Elijah faints; Sean tries to protect him, but to no avail. The Nazgirls are upon them. Elijah is carried off into the night. Sean Astin stands alone, calling out desperately, "So what am I, chopped liver?"
Well see at the time Merry and Pippin were off drinking a pint, but later on the Nazgirls caught up with them..................................
AAAAHH!!!" Their hearts pumping Dominic and Billy rush for the ferry! Just as they are about to hop on, the Nazgirls catch up and tumble them to the ground. Evil screeching pours from their mouths and Dominic and Billy are left, helpless and in pain...
Just as all hope was lost...... Orlando to the rescue! He scoops up poor Dominic and Billy and takes them to the Prancing Pony. Orlando thought it was safe but then the Nazgirls came pounding down the roads of Bree!!!!!
The young men bar themselves in The Prancing Pony, as the Nazgirls shriek "Billy, give us some of that lovely Welsh accent!" Orlando barely ducks in time to avoid a barrage of love letters and blown kisses. "Quick!" he says, "Get Liv Tyler to bar the door. Hopefully that will keep them off!"
But the Nazgirls break down the door and Liv, Billy, Dominic and Orlando are forced to run out through the exit. They run towards the river.
Arwen calls the power of the river to wash them away, but the Nazgirls use their tons of fan mail to dam the flood. Just when Arwen is about to be stampeded, Gollum pops out of nowhere and yells at Elijah (who managed to escape while the Nazgirls were drooling over Orlando) "Forget the ring! I'm taking the girl!" then he grabs Arwen and runs off. The hobbits and Orlando are left defenseless...
Just then, Viggo swoops in with Sean Astin and Gimli. The Nazgirls are momentarily distracted by Viggo's manly, dimpled chin. Dominic takes advantage of the situation and gives one of them a paper-cut with a piece of fan mail. Billy's Scottish accent rises above the fray: "The Eagles arrre coming! The Eagles arrre coming!"
Everyone looks around to see what the heck he's talking about...
Hearing that The Eagles are a rock band, the Nazgirls are momentarily distracted. However, when they learn that the average band member's age is over 50, they rapidly lose interest. However, this has given Viggo enough of a head start to lead Elijah, Sean, Dominic, Bill, Gimli and Orlando to Weathertop.
Viggo gives them all a set of restraining orders against the Nazgirls. Shortly thereafter, Elijah and the others hear the Nazgirls' ecstatic screams. Rapidly, Sean, Dominic, and Billy are carried off by the adoring crowd. Gimli is left behind. Orlando has hidden himself behind a statue of himself. Oddly enough, the hobbits don't seem that upset. A large horde approaches Elijah. He drops his restraining order and falls backwards. He thinks of the Ring, "Hey maybe if I put it on, they'll think I'm married and leave me alone." Just then, the Captain leans forward and plants her lips on Elijah's shoulder. He cries out in pain.
Viggo arrives at the last minute, and drives the Nazgirls away by spraying them with French perfume. While they pause to admire their new scent, he inspects Elijah's wound.
"This wound is beyond my ability to heal. He needs Liv Tyler's medicine. This my friends, is a hickey of Mordor."
As he is carried towards Rivendell, Elijah's wound steadily grows worse; the purple hickey is spreading over his body. Suddenly the Nazgirls are upon them. Orlando shields Elijah from their wrath but then realizes that the Nazgirls have stopped chasing Elijah, and our now about to envelope him. Bloom quickly runs to the river and washes the blonde dye out of his hair hoping that the Nazgirls wont find him as attractive without it, but it fails.
But all is not lost. Liv Tyler is on the banks of the ford, having escaped from Gollum and utters a few words in Elvish. The river overflows its banks, and drenches the Nazgirls in a cold shower. Utterly bedraggled, the Nazgirls go home to blow-dry their hair and apply fresh makeup. Liv presses the dying, hickey-covered Elijah to her breast, and wonders, "What on Middle-Earth do they see in this androgynous little boy anyway--I mean, heck, put a dress on him and he'd look prettier than I am!"
But then, freshly made up and dressed in sexy little dresses, the Nazgirls are back!
CUT!!!! BRILLIANT!!!! IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!! IT'S ALL WE NEED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!!!!
Only to realize................................. this was no movie!
Liv turns and runs, desperately trying to find someone to keep these girls away... Ah-hah! She suddenly comes upon Christopher Lee; still bouncing that ball he calls a palantir. She calls out, "HEY, look Chris, pretty girls"
"YAY!!!" he cries.
Christopher runs towards the Nazgirls and they run away shrieking with Lee in tow...
Billy, Sean and Dominic were abandoned by the Nazgirls after a long session of hero-worship when the Nazgirls were sprayed with water. Suddenly Billy jumps up and yells,
"Get to the Rivendell fellllllly!! Across the felllllly!! "
Rolling his l's, no one understands what he means... (he hit his head a few to many times you see) Billy jumps onto the ferry but misses, and tumbles into the water. He is swept away by the current.
All of a sudden, Gollum pops out of nowhere again and shrieks, "what happened to MY fan club?! What about meeeeeeeeeee... " as he does a little dance and falls into the river. But then, the evil Saura, who sent the Nazgirls after Elijah and Orlando, appears. With a yell, she tries to capture them, but then Elijah (after a miracle recovery from the hickey of Mordor) flings one of his autographed photos into the river and Saura goes chasing after it. She tumbles in after Gollum. Filled with relief, the troupe sits down to take a well-earned rest. But their struggle is not over... Saura has not yet been destroyed... and the Nazgirls live on……. And wait…. WHERE IS BILLY?????
Upon reaching the photo, Saura discovers that the water ruined the picture. She picks up her mace/curling iron and rushes towards the hobbits. Just then Viggo appears and throws his paintings at her and starts reciting poetry. While Saura is momentarily stunned, Gandalf appears out of nowhere and throws one of his movie awards at her. The award hits her hand and chips a nail. Shrieking inanely, Saura rushes back to her dark fortress
to recover, crying all the way.
"Guys, don't let me ever become like that," Arwen mutters... suddenly, there is a rustling in the bushes; out pokes the head of a stranded Nazgirl. No one knows what to do, help her, or just leave her. Out of sympathy for his fans, Elijah helps her out of the bushes...
As Elijah helps up the stranded Nazgirl, she swoons and faints in his arms. Before Elijah can do anything, Dominic yells, " Hey! where'd Billy go?"
With a sudden icy shock, they realize that Billy is nowhere to be seen...
While the others fought Saura, Billy had been cornered by two evil-looking Nazgirls. With no where to run he wondered desperately what to do. Knowing Nazgirls have a tendency to burst into tears if he spoke to them he said "Hello girls"
Instantly both Nazgirls burst into hysterical crying and he could quietly slip past them, into the path of the other. Quickly he planted a small kiss on her cheek and she ran, screaming to tell her friends.
The Company listens silently as they hear the unmistakable sound…..of giggling. Yes, giggling. They shudder in horror. Viggo unsheathes his sword and heads towards the noises. He finds Billy, surrounded by Nazgirls in various stages of undress. They are giving him champagne and feeding him strawberries.
"Billy!" cries Viggo. "You are in extreme peril. I am here to save you."
"I can withstand this peril," replies Billy.
"No, no," says Viggo. "Too perilous!" Viggo sweeps the none-too-pleased Billy into his arms, and rides off.
"Nooooo! Ohhhhhh," groans Billy as Viggo rides off to rejoin the others at Rivendell.
Once there, a great counsel is taken while the stars contemplate how they are going to keep off the terrible Saura and her Nazgirls .. .
"After all," says Ian McKellan, "This is only the first movie! We've got two more coming out--this could go on for the next three years!!!"
"We could handle that," say Sean, Dominic and Billy in chorus.
"Am I never going to have privacy again?" mourns Elijah.
Ian continues, "We must find the thing they are so drawn to and get rid of it."
"Maybe if we grew back hair?" Orlando asks.
"A beard?" Billy asks. Viggo shakes his head.
"Maybe if I lost a finger?" Elijah adds.
"There must be a way .. ." Ian ponders.
Meanwhile, Smoron, I mean Saura, calls a secret meeting in her secret or not so secret base.
Saura [img]smilies/frown.gif[/img]picks up nail file) "Girls, despite the fact that we got his picture, that was pathetic. WE NEED MORE NAZGIRLS TO FIGHT THIS!!"
Girl #1:"Where the heck do we find them? They're all against us!"
Girl #2:"What if we got NAZBOYS! I Hear they exist!"
(Several whoops and screams rang out... )
Girl #1: "Are you kidding me? There is only two girls in the whole company, and one's as old as my great-grandfather!!!"
Girl #3: "But everyone loves Liv... Ooh, but not me... NOT ME!!! She's going down... down... down.."
Girl #2: "Yeah, so I say we fight this with boys and girls!"
Saura: "What? DO I GET A SAY IN THIS OR WHAT!?!?!?!" (Of course she ALWAYS did anyway) "I say that's a stupid idea."
Several cries of agony ring out...
Saura: "Oh, be quite... we will have to decide this later."
Girl#2: "NO! OR 'IM TAKING YOUR POSITION!!!! YOU... YOU... YOU... ". she stammers.
Saura: "WE WILL decide later! Right now there is no point to this meeting... ALL DISMISSED!!!"
Meanwhile, back in Rivendell, the company is approached by the Hugo Weaving (the Elrond actor person.)
"I believe that none of you have yet experienced the full extent of the peril you face. I sense a new danger arising, like one that has never been known to this board of filmmakers. The Dark Lordess Maybelline has been breeding a new form of enemy, which she refers to only as Nazgirly-girls."
At this Elijah passed out and fell gracefully... flat on the floor.
"Oops missed that time." Orlando said picking him up and attempting to set him right side up.
Ian Mckellan glared at him. "Hey I can't do everything!" Orlando growled in a low Elvish voice.
Ian muttered morbidly "They are coming... "
At the council, everybody is still debating on how to rid themselves of the evil Nazgirls.
"In order to destroy the Nazgirls, we must first destroy Saura herself." Gandalf said.
"But her evil castle is surrounded by a moat of nail polish. But nobody ever makes it that far. First you must make it through the mascara forests, with poisonous black trees that scar you for life if you are touched by one. After that, you come to the nail polish moat. We cannot defeat Saura." said Sean Bean
"Well if we can't defeat Saura, how will we keep the Nazgirls away?"
Viggo, Orlando, and Ian all sat down to try and figure out a different way to keep the Nazgirls away.
Orlando: "What do the Nazgirls really want from us?"
Viggo: "They want us. Isn't that obvious?"
Orlando: "So what are you suggesting, that we go and throw ourselves in Mount Doom?"
Elijah wakes up and hears the arguing council.
"There is no other way."
"It must be done!"
"And I suppose you think YOU are the one to do it?!?"
"I'll be dead before I see an Elf in the hands of a Nazgirl."
"I'll do it!" Says Elijah in a small voice!
No one hears him.
"I'll do it." He repeats. Ian gives him a funny look.
"Do what?"
"I dunno. Whatever you need me to do. Whatever it takes to conquer the Nazgirls. I'll do it."
"CONQUER!" someone shrieks (Orlando, was that YOU??).
EVERYone turns and looks at him.
"What was that?" says Billy.
"What was that?" says everyone else.
Orlando stands up in the center of the table in the middle of the council.
"These girls are madly in love with us. They would do anything to get us, right?"
Agent Elrond... er... Hugo looks at him funny. "Orlando, you are missing the point. No mortal weapon can destroy these females. They are made of Hormone and Drool. NOTHING can withstand their power."
"Nothing," says Orlando. "Except Hormone and Drool!"
Ahhh... yes, a plan is forming.
"We come in the night, when they are blinded by hyperactive tiredness. This is when their hormone levels are highest. When they will be most easily confused. We will invade their message boards... and we will POST!!"
While they were having this conversation, the Nazgirls had surrounded Rivendell. Suddenly they were closing in on the company, not only with Nazgirls, but also with Nazgirly-girls, and the unheard of Nazboys. The company gazed upon them in unspeakable horror. The girls brandished their photos out of people magazines like swords and the boys waved rolled up posters wildly. Screams fill the air...
Suddenly Viggo cries out: "Stand in a circle! Keep Liv and Elijah in the middle!"
Over the ecstatic screams and hysterical cries, the voice of Hugo Weaving rings out... "By Elbereth and Luthien, you shall have neither us nor... nor... THEM!!!" he whips out his walkie talkie... "Jackson, GET ME SECURITY!"
The Nazgirls and Nazboys lay siege to the fortress, yelling out LOTR characters names.
Suddenly Christopher Lee appears and in an excruciatingly conceited voice tells the Nazgirl\boys that they are pronouncing the characters' names wrong, then proceeds to tell the correct pronunciations. The Nazgirls cry for mercy. Security comes but they are useless because they all gather around Liv Tyler and pose and flirt with her. Then the hobbits grow bold and take of they're disgusting fake hairy gelatin feet and throw them into the hordes of the Nazgirls. The Nazgirls run away, momentarily grossed out by the fake feet. Later on Hugo holds another council.
Hugo proclaims "I know a way to defeat Saura! Just recently I had my agents spying on the Nazgirls and Saura. Here I have a collection of pictures featuring and Nazgirls when they just woke up, AND HAVE BAD HAIR! We also have one of Saura with big pimples. Someone must take these pictures to the Fiery computers of Mount Doom, and there they must upload the pictures onto the internet for all to see!"
"Brilliant!" exclaims Gandalf, "That should make them so embarrassed that they'll die! But who'll take this awful mission?"
"I will take it... " Elijah starts again, but the other actors aren't listening, and are to busy yelling at each other.
"I WILL TAKE IT!" he shouts, getting fed up with everyone ignoring him. "Though I do not know how to work their computer... "
"Then I shall help you carry this burden, as long as it is yours to carry." Ian adds.
"And if by freezing computers, and missing files I can protect you, I will... You have my sword." Viggo cuts in.
"And my two years of computer technology college... I mean bow... " Orlando says, stepping up.
"And my hacking skills... I mean Axe." Gimili adds gruffly.
"If it is truly the will of the council, Bill Gates will see it done." Sean Bean shouts proudly, "Oh yeah, so will Gondor."
Suddenly Astin, Dominic, and Billy run onto the scene.
"Hey, if he gets to go see" cough, cough "I mean destroy the Nazgirls, then we get to go too!" Billy shouts, his face covered with kiss marks.
"Then it is final, you are the Fellowship of the Web-Ring!!"
Meanwhile deep in Orthanc. Christopher Lee is secretly creating an army of his own. Using promises of meeting the actors and signed photographs, Lee draws to him from deep within middle earth a new breed of warrior fan. The Nazpowderpuffgirls. These Nazgirls have makeup that is impervious to everything, so they will never have to re-apply it. Bearing the powder symbol on their foreheads, the Nazpowderpuffgirls set out to find and destroy the actors' dignity.
"I will find the photos The Fellowship carries and use them to enslave the Nazgirls to me!" laughs Lee. "Then the world! Muahahahaah".
While Christopher is plotting in Orthanc, and Saura in Mordor, The Fellowship is making its way south towards Mount Doom.
"We will take the pass over the Misty Mountains" Ian called out to the others behind him. "We with ascend Hollin, the highest peak, and go down the other side. With luck, it will only take us a few days to get over."
But they had no luck. While on Hollin, a furious blizzard of fan mail raged, sent to attack The Fellowship by Saura. The troupe was forced back down the mountain, to take the paths through the deserted dwarf colony of Mourn-ia. As they made their way through, Dominic admired the drear décor of Mourn-ia's dark halls.
"Hey Billy" he called, "look at this" as he attempted to pull the jewel-encrusted armor off a skeleton. With a clang, the skeleton fell backwards and echoed throughout the caverns. The Fellowship turned around and stared down the hall in horror as drum beats developed in the distance, slowly becoming louder and louder.
"They are coming…" whispered Ian.
"Who…what is coming? asked Sean.
"The PRETTY BOYS. You have infuriated them by stealing their fans." whispered Ian.
The drumbeats were coming nearer.
"RUN!" yelled Sean Bean.
Led by Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck, the Pretty Boys came into sight.
Waving movie awards and award nomination letters, their army stormed upon The Fellowship.
Ben Affleck comes flying at them at 114 mph. While Leonardo comes at them doing poor impressions of Shakespeare. Ian pulls out his most dangerous weapon, his beard. The pretty boys get entangled in his ridiculously long beard, and the rest of The Fellowship takes the opportunity to mess up their hair-dos while they are caught, which causes pretty boys to instantly disintegrate.
Then a great dread fell upon The Fellowship, and out of the darkness appears... the dumbest person to ever live... who could it be?... Ricky Martin! Ricky Martin dances his way towards the fellowship, shaking his booty at them and smiling stupidly.
"Fly!" cries Ian. "This foe is beyond any of you!"
Ian turns to Ricky. "Hey Ricky! Fetch! Ian throws a ball into the bottomless pit. Ricky continues dancing towards him.
"Oh, I really thought that would work. hmmm. Hey Ricky, Christina Aguilera, Brittney Spears, and Mandy Moore are in a hot tub down that pit!"
Ricky still continues to dance. "Livin la vida loca!"
Ian almost faints. "Hey Ricky! Elton John is also in that pit!"
Ricky dives in, but Ian trips on some oil that fell out of Ricky's hair and he also falls into the pit.


tell me what you think aboot this story, and yall can make like part 2s or whatever...jus have fun
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