The Bad LotR Fan Fic Drinking Game

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Gwathagor

Wormwood liquor...is that the same thing as absinthe?

Yes, it is. Yet in context with Elves in trees and branches, I went with the 'wormwood' connotation instead. But as they say, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

[Lush]

A so-called friend sent me a link to a blog which hosted a story with the following elements:

Arwen is really Aragorn's long lost mother... somehow.

They enter into a romantic relationship anyway.

But then Aragorn falls in love with a magical woman with "amber eyes."

Magical woman with amber eyes kills Arwen in some sort of... duel.

Then random hilarity ensues when Thranduil shows up and claims magical woman with amber eyes. And Legolas gets involved on both sides. Somehow.

Oh,and Aragorn just sort of cowers and mopes through it all, and composes bad poetry that sounds kind of like a Nickelback rip-off.

Seemed like a trollfic, but author was defending it rather viciously in the comments. Then it was deleted.

So if you're wondering where I've been, the short answer is "in alcoholic stupor."

[Nerwen]

Link, please?

*is a masochist*

[Lush]

Sadly the opus was deleted, along with the blog it was hosted on. Obviously the brilliance of the author was too much for the collective interwebs to handle, and he wisely decided that casting pearls (i.e. his narrative genius) before swine (i.e. his readership) was ultimately beneath him.

*tiny emo tear*

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Thenamir

You know, I might take it on as a personal challenge to write every one of these items into a single story (minus the slash/sexual parts) and thus create some kind of mass-comatose binge.

It'll have to wait until I can get the next post for REB III up...which has been in the works for, what, 10 months now?

Originally Posted by Morthoron

If you would care to have an accomplice, I would love to add a character to the mayhem. Perhaps a few roleplayers could make the most wretched "Mary-Sue and the Middle-earth High School Massacre, Part IV: The Seduction of Arwen's Blind Sister" ever created.

I even have the perfect starting sentence:

"It was a dark, stormy night."

*The Dark Elf takes a shot for even thinking of something so diabolical*

I repeat my offer to anyone who is interested in writing the most dreadful RP ever created. I am in the process of having the dwarves create a prosthetic finger for Frodo so that he won't be so melancholy, and be whole, and find the Hobbit boy of his dreams.

[Nerwen]

Me! Me!

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Me! Me!

*The Dark Elf smirks*

Nerwen, somehow I knew you'd want to be in on this conspiracy. So, what do you think, a true epic farce with stunningly bad elements, or just a stunningly bad epic drama? Or is the line between the two so thin it doesn't matter?

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Me! Me!

Please sir!!! Me too Sir!!

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

So, what do you think, a true epic farce with stunningly bad elements, or just a stunningly bad epic drama? Or is the line between the two so thin it doesn't matter?

Not really... a stunningly bad epic drama is a farce. We must have angst!

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Please sir!!! Me too Sir!!

Yes, most certainly.

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Not really... a stunningly bad epic drama is a farce. We must have angst!

Hmmm...no, a bad drama maybe farcical, but it's not a farce; whereas a farce is not a bad drama because it is purposely farcical (although it could be a bad farce).

For instance, Lush's author (the one who had Arwen as Aragorn's mum) was not writing a farce, he was deadly serious about his wordsmithing; however, when it became obvious that other readers were not giving the story its just due, he deleted the whole thing in a pique of righteous indignation.

I suppose we could do nothing but write a farce (or satire, if you prefer) because the bad elements will be planned and not merely spontaneous inspiration; yet the story must not seem forced or evident (as if we were planning and presenting a farce or satire). A good satire is one that fools the uninitiated, lulling them into a belief that what they are reading is serious.

[Nerwen]

Precisely what I had in mind.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

I repeat my offer to anyone who is interested in writing the most dreadful RP ever created. I am in the process of having the dwarves create a prosthetic finger for Frodo so that he won't be so melancholy, and be whole, and find the Hobbit boy of his dreams.

Me sir!

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Kitanna

Me sir!

Great! Nerwen, Mithalwen, Kitanna...we have the makings of a wondrously...ummm...banal...classic! I should think a few more contributors (roleplays tend to get rather muddied and confusing if there are more than 6 or 7 full-time characters ), and we can start planning.

I'm thinking of creating a half-elven character -- with a twist. You see, my mother, an elf of Doriath, was raped by a dwarf in the sack of Menegroth. Growing up a short elf has been rather hard on me, and the fact that I have to shave every day to look like the other Elves is quite grating. The other elven children used to taunt me and call me "Perenaug". Naturally, I have grown up to be an embittered elf with an axe to grind (quite literally).

[Nerwen]

Hmmn... perhaps I could take up your suggestion from a few posts back? My character is Arwen's blind sister. I have the Mary Sue version of blindness– meaning it causes me deep anguish, but no practical inconvenience whatever. In fact, I'm a much better archer than Legolas.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Hmmn... perhaps I could take up your suggestion from a few posts back? My character is Arwen's blind sister. I have the Mary Sue version of blindness– meaning it causes me deep anguish, but no practical inconvenience whatever. In fact, I'm a much better archer than Legolas.

Sort of like the Chuck Norris of blind elves, except with angst.

[Bêthberry]

May one inquire where this hysterical tome will be produced should one wish to follow the hilarity?

While I alas do not peruse fanfiction and so have nothing to contribute here, I do note from the examples provided by this drinking fraternity that apparently Tom Bombadil and Goldberry do not figure highly in fanfiction.

Perhaps Tom as he appears in LotR is enough to drive some fans to drink that there's nothing left to the eager fabulist to overproduce?

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

May one inquire where this hysterical tome will be produced should one wish to follow the hilarity?

Well, since it is roleplay, I assumed it would go under one of the roleplay forums here. Unless, of course, being deemed farcical, it has to go into the Mirth section. I'm not too keen about putting it in the Mirth section, as it will continually get overposted by miscellaneous threads like werewolves, soccer and other off-topic or tangential game posts.

The intent will be a farce, but the method and delivery will be serious. I guess the mods will decide for us.

Originally Posted by Bêthberry

While I alas do not peruse fanfiction and so have nothing to contribute here, I do note from the examples provided by this drinking fraternity that apparently Tom Bombadil and Goldberry do not figure highly in fanfiction.

Perhaps Tom as he appears in LotR is enough to drive some fans to drink that there's nothing left to the eager fabulist to overproduce?

Perhaps, as you intimated, Tom is far too silly in the first place to go even further beyond the pale.

[Formendacil]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Well, since it is roleplay, I assumed it would go under one of the roleplay forums here. Unless, of course, being deemed farcical, it has to go into the Mirth section. I'm not too keen about putting it in the Mirth section, as it will continually get overposted by miscellaneous threads like werewolves, soccer and other off-topic or tangential game posts.

The intent will be a farce, but the method and delivery will be serious. I guess the mods will decide for us.

Well, granted, I'm no mod... but if Assigned to Mordor and Assigned to Mordor II were suitable for the Shire, I don't think this can be that much worse... though the Mods might see it differently, in their omniscience.

There is, of course, the proposal form you'd have to fill out, likely, before you'd get the official go-ahead in the RPG forums anyway.

[Nerwen]

Well, we might have a few problems there, given that the rules include the following:

WEAPONS (No magical, super-hero, mithril weapons. Just good solid Middle-earth weapons and armor only that is appropriate to the race of the character and the time period.):

PERSONALITY/STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES: (No half-Elven characters. No mixed-type characters. No super-heroes. No assassins. No one all powerful, martial arts proficient, or having any magical traits. Just regular characters with normal abilities for their races only)

and this:

Please play your character realistically and within the boundaries of Middle Earth "reality". Don't act in ways that give you unfair advantages over other players.

also this:

"They were tall, fair of skin and grey-eyed, though their locks were dark, save in the golden house of Finrod; and their voices had more melodies than any mortal voice that is now heard . . .”

Please use this as a guideline for describing your Elven character’s appearance.

and even this:

Jedi Knights and lasers are not permitted.

What is wrong with these people? Why must they stifle our creativity?

What's a Mary Sue to do?

[Mithalwen]

Yes that would stymy my character plans....

[Lalaith]

an addition to my "cerulean orbs" comment: Drink a pint of Butterbeer if Frodo got them from his mum.

What are these orbs? Some kind of moobs?

I´d be up for this horror-RPG.

[Ibrîniðilpathânezel]

Ah,"cerulean orbs." Since I have seen fanfic writers use the term "orbs" to describe two very different parts of human anatomy (one specifically male), and on occasion in the same story, I really think they ought to settle on one or the other, else the reader think some poor character is freezing to death...

This reminds me of a tale I once heard of Anne McCaffrey's early years as a writer, in which her editor told her that there was a very fine word in the English language, "said," and she might consider using it more often.

And for the drinking game, would someone please rate this "summary" tidbit I just happened upon? For me, it's too ghastly to even think of reaching for the bottle (much less attempting to read the story):

A new member to the Fellowship. A mysterious elf, a sorceress, youngest daughter of Elrond and rider of the horse of Sauron. Leoglas and Kyra based. I decided Legolas should get a girl.

And no, I did not misspell Legolas. The author did. Sigh. And please don't ask me who Kyra is. I shudder to think, and really have no desire to know.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Lush

Heroine/hero is the 10th member of the Fellowship - take a shot.

Legolas broods about his feelings for hero/heroine - take a shot.

(This will happen, obviously.)

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Hero/heroine has a special horse, which could basically be described as "Like Shadowfax, only much, much better". –take a shot.

Hero/heroine is allowed to join the Fellowship despite being a vampire/werewolf/half-orc/Sauron's kid/something else which has no business being there. –take two shots.[

(Look, how did she come to ride "Sauron's horse"? There's something funny going on.)

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Elrond's second daughter - two shots (+bonus shot for half elf)

Originally Posted by Kitanna

Hero/Heroine is a wielder of magic in a Harry Potter, we can all be wizards, sort of way - take a shot.

And possibly:

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

Hero/Heroine is Gandalf's apprentice ala Harry Potter (or, conversely, villain/villainess is Saruman/Sauron's apprentice, also ala Harry Potter). Two shots for one, three for both, four or more for both plus villain/ess reforms and becomes the apprentice's BFF (and probably Gandalf's newest apprentice).

There you go. At least eight shots, and you haven't even got past the synopsis.

[Eönwë]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Well, we might have a few problems there, given that the rules include the following:

Basically you have to do the exact opposite of all those rules. It should probably go in mirth then...

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Well, we might have a few problems there, given that the rules include the following:

I have studied these two codicils housed within the Role-playing Moderation Pronouncement very carefully, and, having just watched 'A Man For All Seasons' just now, I am vey much in the mood for a philosophical debate (in the mode of Sir Thomas More) on the fit, form and function of the two aforementioned rulings.

1) In regards to weapons, I would say that there were, in fact, no recorded weapons in Middle-earth fashioned from mithril (mithril, being pliable, could not maintain the rigidity necessary for a tempered sword or axe blade). However, it can be reasonably assumed that a well-to-do dwarf could have a weapon inlayed with mithril, or could have accoutrements made of mithril as family heirlooms (whether coif, hauberk, baldric, helm etc.). Mithril is certainly rare, but a suffiecient amount was mined in Moria (and the bottomless mines are testament to the haul the dwarves took in) to assure a goodly amount is passed on from generation to generation (dwarves being the supreme hoarders, after all). The question here lies in what is reasonable. To have a dwarf fully caparisoned in mithril from head to toe is not reasonable; having some mithril armor is not.

As far as 'magical' weapons, that, of course, would depend on one's definition of magical, the time period one is discussing, and the relative status and race of the character in question. Elvish craftsman did imbue articles with their innate power. This is more readily apparent in the 1st and 2nd Ages (any work of Feanor, or Eol, or Celebrimbor, for instance), but this ability did not rest solely with such renowned masters. One only has to look to the work of the unnamed smiths of Gondolin (who crafted Orcrist, Glamdring and Sting -- magical blades by any other name), or the craft of the the Gwaith-i-Mirdain. In the 3rd Age, there are the Blades of Westernesse. Whether these blades came from Numenor is conjectural, given their title; however, considering these blades were woven with spells to unbind the spirit of the WitchKing, then they could have not been forged anywhere but in Arnor.

Given the fact that these perilous (and 'magic') blades were found accidently in a barrow (just as Sting and Glamdring happened to be in a troll horde for some poorly explained reason), then it is reasonable to assume that these are not the only blades of such caliber and quality and magicality hidden throughout Middle-earth (in the Barrow Downs, the Dead Marshes, in Rivendell, the Gray Havens, Forochel, Annúminas and Fornost). The smiths of Imladris had the ability to reforge Narsil into Anduril (Telchar of Nogrod, a dwarf, not an elf, first forged this magical blade), and there are many descriptions of it, shining as with a flame, covered with runes for Aragorn, as it was when it was still Narsil:

...the sword of Elendil filled Orcs and Men with fear, for it shone with the light of the sun and of the moon, and it was named Narsil. ...Thus Narsil came in due time to the hand of Valandil, Isildur's heir, in Imladris; but the blade was broken and its light extinguished, and it was not forged anew.

2) In regards to personality strengths and weaknesses (and the prohibition on half-elves and magical traits), again, there are very few unions of elves and men, at least withing the context of LotR; however, the tale of Prince Imrahil's ancestor Imrazor and his Silvan bride gives pause to making a blanket statement that there were only those unions germane to Aragorn's story. Let us say instead there were those important in context to the story, but they were not necessarily the only such unions that occurred.

As far as magical traits, what is reasonable? The Noldor of Aman are noted for their duality of spirit, incomparable craftsmanship and powers beyond that of the Sindar or Moriquendi; The Silvan Elves of Mirkwood disappeared in a flash when their feasting was confronted by the dwarves; Eol, a Teleri, wove spells around Nan Elmoth, and the Silvan elves of Lothlorien crafted the world's first camoflage cloaks (almost chameleon-like in their adaptability). It is true that Men, Hobbits and Dwarves lack magical propensities (although it can be argued that the dwarves had innate powers that declined over the ages). But, as Gandalf intimated, there are many magic rings in the world (other than the one, three, seven and nine), and many lost items of great lineage laying about that could aid a muggle...ummm...a non-magical personage.

Bah! I suppose we'll end up in the Mirth section.

Originally Posted by Lalaith

I´d be up for this horror-RPG.

You are more than welcome to join, Lalaith.

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

And for the drinking game, would someone please rate this "summary" tidbit I just happened upon? For me, it's too ghastly to even think of reaching for the bottle (much less attempting to read the story):

And no, I did not misspell Legolas. The author did. Sigh. And please don't ask me who Kyra is. I shudder to think, and really have no desire to know.

An Elfess sorceress, who is a daughter of Elrond, rides Sauron's pestilential pony, and gets to mate with Leoglas? Good lord, this could only be inimitable and renowned Kyra of the Thousand Sorrows! Ummm...actually, I made that last bit up. I have no idea who Kyra is. *shudders*

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

1) In regards to weapons, I would say that there were, in fact, no recorded weapons in Middle-earth fashioned from mithril (mithril, being pliable, could not maintain the rigidity necessary for a tempered sword or axe blade).

On that note, my character is going to have a mithril bow.

Originally Posted by Morthoron

An Elfess sorceress, who is a daughter of Elrond, rides Sauron's pestilential pony, and gets to mate with Leoglas? Good lord, this could only be inimitable and renowned Kyra of the Thousand Sorrows! Ummm...actually, I made that last bit up. I have no idea who Kyra is. *shudders*

Google reveals that she was in fact Kyra, the White Sorceress. The fic has –alas!– been deleted.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

Google reveals that she was in fact Kyra, the White Sorceress. The fic has –alas!– been deleted.

I prefer Kyra of the Thousand Sorrows as a more melodramatic title (and she, of course, should have cerulean orbs). Perhaps the author of the said...ummm...piece needs a ghost writer.

[Mithalwen]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

Ah,"cerulean orbs." Since I have seen fanfic writers use the term "orbs" to describe two very different parts of human anatomy (one specifically male), and on occasion in the same story, I really think they ought to settle on one or the other, else the reader think some poor character is freezing to death...

.

Snowballs?

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Ibrîniðilpathânezel

Ah,"cerulean orbs." Since I have seen fanfic writers use the term "orbs" to describe two very different parts of human anatomy (one specifically male), and on occasion in the same story, I really think they ought to settle on one or the other, else the reader think some poor character is freezing to death...

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Snowballs?

Blue balls....ummm...in this case meaning...cold....snow balls. Errr...forget this post...post-haste.

[Mithalwen]

Well in the small hours I was wondering if it could be rendered into cod-Elvish as a name.... Sereluin Orbar was the best I could do with out waking up enough to consult reference works...

[Morthoron]

Well, so far our intrepid band of questers in search of ultimate insipidity consists of Nerwen, Mithalwen, Kitanna, Lalaith and Morthoron.

I feel it necessary at this juncture to perhaps discuss the overall project a bit. Perhaps a title? I know most writers actually start the story before coming up with an apt title, but maybe a bassackwards approach would be more appropriate given the specious material in which we shall delve.

With a title we can at least post a discussion thread in the Mirth section (I guess that's where we'll end up), and start outlining the story a bit. Here's some ideas to start:

The Melancholy Mists of Mirkwood (A tragic love story)

With Fronds Like This, Who Needs Anemones? (A tale of the Corsairs of Umbar)

Desire in the Shire (A hobbit romance)

Riverdale High School (No, not with Archie and Jughead, merely a tale of teenage elven angst with Rivendell misspelled)

The Slimarillion (A Middle-earth short story)

To Kill a Crebain?

Drogo Copperfield?

The Brothers Khazâd ai-mênu!?

Aragorn and Old Lace?

Fingolfin's Wake?

The Charge of the Wight Brigade?

Bag-end Revisited?

Okay, cut me off...too much coffee today.

[Lalaith]

Riverdale High School

Ah, Morthoron, not only is your list most excellently hilarious, but you are clearly on my wavelength.

I had you see already envisaged a character: an elven teen named Sharpairien. She is the spoilt, self-centred yet somehow inexplicably lovable youngest daughter of Elrond (from his second marriage to a much younger she-elf) and alone among the Peredhil she boasts glossy auburn locks, a smattering of cute freckles and amber eyes. Her best friend is a camp and gossipy elfboy named Daemian.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

Aragorn and Old Lace?

Would this mean Galadriel and Arwen will be doing old men like Gandalf in for their own good?

But Riverdale High School sounds like it could bring the most angst to this venture.

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Lalaith

Ah, Morthoron, not only is your list most excellently hilarious, but you are clearly on my wavelength.

Thank you. The same wavelength? We must be both getting the same signals from outer space. Prepare! The Mother Ship is coming!

Originally Posted by Lalaith

I had you see already envisaged a character: an elven teen named Sharpairien. She is the spoilt, self-centred yet somehow inexplicably lovable youngest daughter of Elrond (from his second marriage to a much younger she-elf) and alone among the Peredhil she boasts glossy auburn locks, a smattering of cute freckles and amber eyes. Her best friend is a camp and gossipy elfboy named Daemian.

Excellently derivative and unbelievable!

Originally Posted by Kitanna

Would this mean Galadriel and Arwen will be doing old men like Gandalf in for their own good?

I can see Cary Grant as an urbane send-up of Aragorn, circa the late 1930's, early 40's.

[Kitanna]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

I can see Cary Grant as an urbane send-up of Aragorn, circa the late 1930's, early 40's.

If only...

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Kitanna

Would this mean Galadriel and Arwen will be doing old men like Gandalf in for their own good?

But Riverdale High School sounds like it could bring the most angst to this venture.

Decisions, decisions... Is there anyway we can combine the two?

Originally Posted by Lalaith

I had you see already envisaged a character: an elven teen named Sharpairien. She is the spoilt, self-centred yet somehow inexplicably lovable youngest daughter of Elrond (from his second marriage to a much younger she-elf) and alone among the Peredhil she boasts glossy auburn locks, a smattering of cute freckles and amber eyes.

So we're sisters!

But I was planning on having glossy auburn locks! Now what will I do?

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Nerwen

So we're sisters!

But I was planning on having glossy auburn locks! Now what will I do?

Well, you can offset the similarity by having violet eyes, and Lalaith can have cerulean orbs.

[Mithalwen]

Oh I was hoping for Bag-End revisited ... with Elrond as Lady Marchmain and Elladan as Bridey Elrohir as Sebastian. Aragorn would of course have the Charles Rydey role. Eomer would be Boy Mulcaster and Eowyn his sister whose name escapes me ..... I may now have to do this for the "Tolkien by other authors" thread

[Morthoron]

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Oh I was hoping for Bag-End revisited ... with Elrond as Lady Marchmain and Elladan as Bridey Elrohir as Sebastian. Aragorn would of course have the Charles Rydey role. Eomer would be Boy Mulcaster and Eowyn his sister whose name escapes me ..... I may now have to do this for the "Tolkien by other authors" thread

Well, we have one vote for a Middle-earth parody presented in the mode of Brideshead Revisited (in this case, Bag-end revisited), and we also have a vote for Riverdale High School (teenage Elven angst).

I have given thought to the Fingolfin's Wake title and considered that we might do it in a stream of consciousness (or in this case unconsciousness) style a la James Joyce. We won't require a plot per se, nor will we need characters (or at least, characters that make sense from one page to the next)... just a potpourri of allusions, metaphors, multi-level puns, neologisms, dangling participles and Freudian dream sequences.

No one will understand a thing we're tallking about; therefore, we shall appear deep.
And we are, are we, swoping priggily the prof's Middangeard, barrowing Mahtan's spark as the espiritu flammula did on a once ago.

[Nerwen]

Originally Posted by Morthoron

And we are, are we, swoping priggily the prof's Middangeard, barrowing Mahtan's spark as the espiritu flammula did on a once ago.

I fear this could get tiring, however.