Defective Weapons Inc.

[The Perky Ent]

lol I just thought of something (other than "I'm hungry" or "Futumara rules")

(Merry and Pippin throw stones in the water)
Aragorn: Do not temp the water!
(Merry throws another stone)
(the stone floats on the water)
Pippin: Will you look at that!
Aragorn: Well, since it's not sinking, I guess you can throw stones!
(Gandalf tries passwords that don't work)
(Gandalf pressed his shoulder against the door to budge it, and the door breaks)
Gandalf: Um...yes! That was the effect of the password!
(The watcher tries to break down the entrance, but there's nothing to break)
Johnny Depp: That's interesting
Legolas: Johnny, wrong movie.

If your going to say, that's interesting, it has to be said by Johnny Deep.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

"Shall we shoot?" said Faramir, turning quickly to Frodo.
"Uh, yeah. Sure. Whatever," said Frodo, the evening's wine affecting his mind.
Faramir shrugged, then reached into his pocket. He came up with a radio. "Anborn. Weapons free. Say again, weapons are free. Prosecute to kill."
"Roger." An arrow whistled towards the unsuspecting Gollum, yet it misses him, hitting a fish instead.
"Oh, look, precious. Fisssh on ssstick," said Gollum.
Faramir spoke into the radio. "Reload and fire. Now, now, NOW!"
A rain of steel descended upon Gollum, yet none found its mark. Hundreds of fish float to the surface, their bodies punctured by the arrows.
"More fisssh on stick, preciousss," said Gollum gleefully.
An awkward silence followed. Finally, Frodo spoke up. "I know later you'll say something that goes like this: 'Only to come here and look on the pool bears the penalty of death.' I just did not know it would be death from over-eating."
"Or laughter," Sam piped in.
Faramir was enraged at the blasphemous - but true - comment, and he pushed the hobbits over the brink of the cliff. Yet the knives of stone broke at the landing of the two hobbits, and Faramir said:
"Even the rocks don't work? Darn! I really need a new hideout!"

This came from my head.

[Elven Hunter]

Not exactly a weapon

(Saruman speaking to the Palantir..)
Saruman: Lord Sau-
(Sauron interrupts..)
Sauron: Sorry, I'm not at home right now, if you have anything to say please leave a message after the beep.. toooooooooooooot..
(Saruman covers the Palantir..)
Saruman: Oh darn. Next time I'll ask for his cell number.

here's another one

(Frodo with others in the mines of Moria.. their torch burns out.. Orcs closing in.. Frodo's sword glows..)
Frodo: It's pretty dark in here. Good thing I have this sword.
(sword flickers and its light goes out)
Frodo: Aww men.. Gandalf, do you have spare batteries?
Gandalf: Sori pal, I'm using it for my staff.

[Witch-King]

*Sarumon gazes into his Palantir, but sees nothing.*

"What in Middle-Earth?"

*He shakes it, and slowly the blackness lifts to reveal...a holiday snowglobe!*

"Down to the depths with you!!!"

*Tosses snowglobe out the window.*

*Witch-King appears*

WK: "You reject Sauron's gift??!!! Then you shall die!"

*Attacks Sarumon, who severs the Witch-King's arm with his staff through a spell*

Sarumon: "There, now leave me be."

WK: "Tis but a scratch, sir."

Sarumon: "A scratch?! Your arm's off!"

WK: "No it isn't!"

Sarumon pointing to severed arm: "Well what do you call that then?"

WK: "I've had worse."

Sarumon: "You lie!"

WK: "Comeon you pansy!"

*Sarumon severs WK's other arm*

Sarumon: "There, now leave me be..."

*WK kicks Sarumon*

WK: "Come on then!"

Sarumon: "Look you bloody bastard you've got no arms left!"

WK: "Yes I have."

Sarumon: "LOOK!"

WK: "Just a flesh wound."

Sarumon: "Look I'll have your leg. Right!"

*Sarumon cuts off one of WK's legs*

WK: "I'll do you for that!"

Sarumon: "You'll what?"

WK: "Come here!"

Sarumon: "What are you gonna do, bleed on me?"

WK: "The Witch-King always triumphs! Have at you! I'm invincible!!"

Sarumon: "You're a looney!"

*Sarumon cuts off WK's other leg. He is now just a torso.*

WK: "Alright, we'll call it a draw."

*Sarumon heads for the stairs*

WK: "Oh I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and fight me! I'll bite your legs off!"

Monty Python rules!

[The Perky Ent]

Yes, Monty Python Rules!

Beren: Yes! I got the simaril! Now I can marry Luthien!
Carcharoth: Not if I can help it!
(tries to bite Beren's hand, but breaks death on Beren's hand)
Carcharoth: My teeth!
Beren: I knew that Boflex would pay off!

[Mithalwen]

Sorry this is a film one....but since it didn't happen in the book.... wouldn't you just have loved it if Arwen's hand had slipped when she did that "what's this a ranger of the north caught of his guard" thinf... oh %^&*% ...... Aragorn darling ..are you alright?"

Eriador Evening Post

Arwen, daughter of Lord Elrond of Imladris was being questioned last night in connection with the death of her Fiance, Aragorn, Chieftain of the Dunedain and Isildur's heir. Miss Undomiel claims that Mr Telcontar , who was found with his throat slit died as result of a joke that went horribly wrong. The authorities are reopening the investigation into the death of Mr Telcontar's father who was killed in the company of Miss Undomiel's brothers many years ago. .....

[The Perky Ent]

Good one Reminds me of the Last Ride...

[Saraphim]

Ha! Yes. I can see it now...

*In Carn Dum*
Arathorn: Alright...now. You elves go up to the tower, and I'll take the other Dunadain down to the dungeons.
*men leave*

Elrohir: Ugh, Men! Go up here, do this, do that!
Elladan: It just never ends. It's not like we knew his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather or anything.
Elrohir: Well, it he wants us in the tower, let's go!

*elves aproach a balcony and see men below Elrohir "slips" and sends a large rock down onto Arathorn's head. In his concussed state, he can't dodge the arrow that hits him in the eye, killing him*

I've got a sick sense of humor sometimes...

[The Perky Ent]

When elves go bad...

[Mithalwen]

..A sick sense of humour can be a positive thing... and while they are perhaps the cutest of all cute elf boys ( I tend to assume the mortal blood might make them slightly hunkier and less androgenous looking) I can't help thinking that there is something a little sinster about them ........ I mean they should have got over that dressing alike thing a few millenia ago and however devoted they were to their mother perhaps they sould have other hobbies apart from killing orcs ..... ? I just think of the Krays..... then I thought I read somewhere that Arathorn's pa also died when out with them ....... but maybe that was a mistake.... and why isn't Elrond at all bothered that they want to stay in Middle Earth? May be he was nervous .... no scope for realms of their own ...... maybe he feared an accident..!!!!!

[The Perky Ent]

Morgoth: Where is that spider?
Ungoliant: *sucks light*
Morgoth: Uh...Ungoliant? I got a job for you. I'm gonna give you the feast of a lifetime! Just help me!
Ungoliant: Light? I'm there!
Morgoth: Ok, well, you can start by making a lader up the mountain
Ungoliant: K *makes web lader*
*While Melkor is climbing, the ladder brakes*
Morgoth: Ok...I'm gonna let that one slide! Let's just get to those trees!
Ungoliant: Yes! Light! *tries to poison the tree, but breaks fangs*
Morgoth: Um...on second though, maybe I'll just try to corrupt Feanor to do it!

[Orcrist]

Paths of the Dead:

King of the Dead swings his sword. Aragorn goes to block but Anduril breaks.
KD-"The Blade that was Broken has been broken anew."
KD then kills Aragorn and Co. and Sauron proceeds to take over Middle-earth.

[Gil-Galad]

Ambush at Weathertop:


WK: i stab you with my blade *breaks* umm...tickle tickle tickle!

Frodo: no not the dreaded tickles of Mordor!

WK: umm sure why not...

*aragorn jumps in with fire, but slips and Torch falls on him, thus setting himself on fire and starts running around on fire*

Hobbits: our hero...

*nazgul standing around pointing and laughing at aragorn*

[rutslegolas]

LOL

that was really funny

have you guys ever played mortal combat 4. scorpions fire breathing fatality,and aragorn burned and dancing around ,thats what it sounds like.

[Gil-Galad]

Thanks ruts, i just stumbled on this thread and thats what came to mind...

[The Perky Ent]

Woah! I just thought of something! What would happen if...

Sauron: Yes! I am the all powerful Sauron! Personified in this eye, I shall rule the world! Nothing can stop me!
*starts raining*
Sauron: Noooo! I'm evaporating! Noooooo

[elronds_daughter]

*on the bridge of Khazad-Dum*
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!
*Gandalf whams his staff down on the bridge. bridge does not break. Seeing this, Gandalf proceeds to thump his staff on the bridge and mutter, "come on..." still nothing happens. the balrog just kind of sits there, slightly stunned.*
Balrog: what are you doing?
Gandalf: Trying to break the bridge, what's it look like?!
Balrog: oh. well, here, I'll save you the trouble. *jumps off bridge, and falls to his demise*
Gandalf: *watches the balrog for a while* well, that was easier than I thought. *chuckles* that "staff doesn't work" trick gets 'em every time...

[The Perky Ent]

There is only three letters that can describe that! LOL!

[Zebedee]

*At the Black Gate*
Aragorn charges orcs, swings his sword. Sword lies off the handle.

based on something that happened to a friend.

[elronds_daughter]

ha! good one, Zebedee! did that seriously happen? too funny!

here's another one:

(in the house of Tom Bombadil)
*Tom slips the Ring and disappears*
the empty space where Tom was: Drat it! That wasn't supposed to happen! GOLDBERRY!! Did you forget to put the anti-Ring potion in my water tonight?! *Tom takes off the Ring, looking much more evil than before, and puts it in his pocket* I'll be keeping this, Frodo. Your quest is no longer relavant.
Frodo: Hey!
*scuffle ensues between the hobbits and Tom. Tom knocks each hobbit on the head, and gains the victory, quite unfairly*

[The Perky Ent]

Gandalf: Prepare to fire!
Soldier in charge of Trebuchets: Prepare to Fire!
Gandalf: On my volley! FIRE!!
*soldier pulls lever*
*trebuchet breaks into pieces*
Soldier: Uh oh....
Ringwraiths: Well that's a time saver
Gandalf: This is unexpected! RUN AWAY!

[Nimrothiel]

Another Monty Python one! (Rather condensed and altered due to poor memory).

*scene: Mordor; the highest room in the tallest tower...whoops, how'd that get in there? Frodo is being questioned by an orc*

Orc: "Why did you come here? What were you doing? Were you alone? Did you take the rest of last night's slop?"

Frodo: "Stop it! I don't know, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!!"

*door is flung open; three dubious looking characters enter*

Cardinal #1: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our main weapons are fear, terror...er, wait..um, well, nobody expects it!"

Orc: "How convenient, now I can have an early lunch." *leaves*

Cardinal #1: "Now halfling, confess!"

Frodo: "What?"

Cardinal #2: "Confess!"

Frodo: "Confess what?"

Cardinal #1: "Of your crimes to the church!"

Frodo: "What church?"

Cardinal #1: "The Catholic church of course! Now confess!"

Frodo: "But I haven't done anything!"

Cardinals (chanting) : "Confess! Confess! Confess!"

Frodo: "I won't confess to something I haven't done!"

Cardinal #1: "Stubborn, eh? Cardinal Fang, bring in...the fluffy cushions!"

*Cardinal #3 leaves and returns with three sofa cushions*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess!"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1: "Very well, then we will have to poke you with the fluffy cushions until you confess!"

*Cardinals proceed to poke Frodo with cushions; the seams split and stuffing spills out*

Cardinal #1: "Drat! Will you confess?"

Frodo: "No!"

Cardinal #1 to Cardinal #2: "Bring in...the comfy chair!"

Cardinal #2 (horrified) : "The comfy chair?!"

*leaves and brings in a comfy looking armchair*

Cardinal #1: "Now confess or you will be forced to sit in...the comfy chair!"

Frodo: "I won't confess until you tell me what the hell is going on here!"

Cardinal #1: "Because you will not confess you must sit in the comfy chair until you do!"

*pushes Frodo onto chair; Frodo begins to bounce up and down on the seat, the chair breaks*

Cardinal #1: "Bloody hell!"

[Pallando]

Very funny, Nim! This one takes place in Amon Hen.

Boromir leaps at Frodo, who barely dodges and then slips the Ring unto his finger. Problem is: he's not invisible.

Frodo: "Aw hell..."

[Gil-Galad]

Another Monty Python!

*eomer rides to see Theodred on the ground with arrows in him*

Eomer: "oh no! we must avenge theodreds death!"

Theodred: actually i'm not quite dead, i guess Orc arrows are really slave arrows, you get what you paid for

Eomer: ohh... well fear not oh mortally-wounded Theodred! stay here while i slay every orc in rohan!

Theodred actually i'm quite okay i think i can go with you

Eomer: no! stay down! it'll be good for my...ummm...

Theodred: Idium?

Eomer: yes idium! thank you good prince, now rest here till i return, actually i probaly have more to say so i'll just do my buisness first then come back okay

Theodred: uhh okay...

*eomer walks into bushes, but then some orcs run up and take theodred and tie him up in a tree, then the three hunters coem by, take the two orcs and tie them up in side by side trees and then run away*

Eomer: ah sweet freedom...theodred?! what are you doing in that tree!

Theodred: funny story really...

Eomer: if your going to die up there then so shall i! *pulls out sword and stabs himself, but the sword snaps in half

Theodred: ...

Orcs: ...

Strongbad: ...

Orc(1): well you know what they say... always look on the bright side of life!

*everybody breaks into a song number while Theodred struggles to free himself after realizing blood is dripping down his head*


rather off-course but still defective weapon(s) none the less

[Farmira]

Scene: Boromir just saved Merry and pippin from being cut into swiss cheese by an orc in fotr.

Boromir grabs his horn and blows:: ..."high pitched whistle"

<mean while> all the dogs in middle earth run to aide Boromir since they heard the call of the dog-whistle of Gondor

(ok kinda dumb, but i just thought of it)

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

Aragorn threw back his cloak. The elven-sheath glittered as he grasped it, and the bright blade of Andúril shone like a sudden flame as he swept it out. "Elendi--oops!" Éomer's head landed on his feet, and the now-leaderless riders of Rohan advanced menacingly.
"The Dwarf's head is mine!" Éothain said.

THE END???

That sudden sword-drawing move kills people, Aragorn.

[Gil-Galad]

different endings in the EE would be very entertaining indeed

[THE Ka]

Saruman after trying to convince Gandalf to join Sauron's Pink-clad followers, prepares to reason with him...


Saruman: okay that's it Gandalf! I've told you, and now no more warnings! Pink is your colour!

Gandalf: No, and it's no one's as far as i'm concerned... that's why you're so easy to manipulate! I hate pink and i'm not afraid to admit it!

Saruman: Prepare to be scared by the power of Pink forever! *Saruman puts on one of his ugliest faces and points staff in Gandalf's direction, a blinding flash of pepto bismol smoke fills the area...

When the smoke clears, Saruman notices that something has gone drastically wrong. he is clad in A pink feathery Elton John coat and matching pleather pants!

Gandalf sees' his chance and reveals all viewing palantir's to saruman's pinkness...

Saruman ( as gandalf edges closer to the palantir...): DON'T. YOU. DARE!...

*gandalf swipes off covering and saruman is revealed!

*Denethor's palantir: AH! Eck! I thought that stuff was abolished! I'm soo glad boromir hasn't taken an interest...
*Boromir sneek peeks: Ooh! More fashion insperations!
D: Don't even think about it! if you want your ABBA records to survive!
B: Meep! I'm sorry I won't, I won't ! Besides, his feather's are not that fluffy anyway...

*Sauron's palantir: Whoa! When did that happen? *Sauron's eye looks around innocently...

Back to saruman...

Saruman: What! How could this be! i...i meant it for gandalf! not me...
suddenly in utter embarassment saruman notices that he forgot to add three double aa battaries to his staff...

Saruman: But, i just added some five minutes ago!... Cheap Dunlander's!


*********************************************
Ah... that was horrible...

hope i'm not yelled at...

~Nervous ka~

[Gil-Galad]

"its not pink its light red!"


oh what poor hobbit will pick the chunk of rock stuck in treebeards hand after trying to throw on an atkins diet?

[Nimrothiel]

*"it's not pink, it's light red!"*
Gil-galad, have you by chance seen a certain episode of "Red vs. Blue?"

Not a very good one, but on the bridge of Khazad-dum the Balrog's sword did break when Gandalf blocked it from spliting his head in half.

[THE Ka]

Originally Posted by Gil-Galad

"its not pink its light red!"


oh what poor hobbit will pick the chunk of rock stuck in treebeards hand after trying to throw on an atkins diet?

Oh, whatever! You certainly have not talked to your local P.A.S.F.C.P. chapter member... There is a Great difference, and the real pink is not light red, that is just another delusion...


~Ka, Board Director and chairholder of P.A.S.F.C.P.~

you can find more information on the real pink saga by following this link... read the whole page. you will leave with some info.

[Gil-Galad]

why yes i have thank you, and its much easier to easy pink then light red, but its still similar