Middle-earth Therapy Sessions

[Airerûthiel]

As a lot of the characters in LotR have - for want of a better word - 'issues', I suggest we start up a little therapist's branch to operate at the Downs for any likely-looking Elves, Dwarves, hobbits, Men, wizards, Ents, Ringwraiths or whatever who want to pour out their heart to a 'caring' professional and release all their troubles...and get a free mint or six into the bargain.

Who do I hear knocking at this door? Why, I do believe it is...

*OK now here's the deal. You get to write a therapy session between yourself and any character of your choice. Make it as funny as you can, and good luck! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]*

[Sadbh]

C: (me) Okay *flips pages on clipboard until* ringwraith number... 6?

*Ringwraith number six slumps in and wisks over to a seat far awy from the table. He hunches menacingly*

Ringwraith 6: menacing *hissssssssssssss*

C: Oh, throat lozenge?

*Ringwraith Furtively snatches one.*

Ringwraith: Lord, thanks. Haven't been able to talk right since the Witch King had to go ham it up in the movies. Now everybody is dissapointed when I talk like this. They say 'Why don't you talk that funny way. You're not very menacing.' Blithering little-

C:It sounds to me that you have hostility problems toward your leader, Mr. Six, and that you're tired of expectations the world has-

Ringwraith 6: But, but I don't want to Number Six. *starts jumping up and down, and throwing a tantrum* I WANT A NAME!

C: Erm, what name would ou like then?

*Jeapordy music plays in the backround as Ringwraith six picks out a name*

C: Is that Jeapordy music?

Ringwraith 6: I believe it is.

C: Anyway, 'you picked a name out?

Ringwraith 6: Indeed, my name is now, Herbert.

C: *incredulously* Herbert?


Herbert:*looking 'cheerful'* Or Herby.


C: Alright then, back to the, er session.

Herbert/Herby: *deep, terrifying sigh* I can't even think of where to begin with my problems. I hate the head of my branch, that'd be The Witch King, not the boss himself, I'm having trouble concentrating at work. Sometimes I feel I could be doing something so much better, like working for deprived Haradrim kids. But at night I obsess about my job, I obsess about that one ring to rule them all.

C: *is slumped on desk, eyes glazed* Huh! Oh, oh, oh I see. What do you think the root of the problems migh-

*Herbert/Herby has already begun*

Herbert/Herby: I think it began on one sunny day of my youth, when my brother who was not destined to become a great king of men shoved me off the tire swing-

*a buzzer rings*

C: Oh! Time's up! Thank Eru! Go now, go go, GO!

*She shoos him out the door and desolves in a fit of hysterical giggles.*


*********************************************
Hmm, yes it was pathetic. Oh, well.

[ January 02, 2003: Message edited by: Sadbh ]

[Meela]

he he... herbert... [img]smilies/biggrin.gif[/img]
that was good!

[Kalimac]

Well, since it seems to be the Dark Side's turn on the couch, our dauntless therapist K is now ready for..

K: What's your name, please?

M: I am the Mouth of Sauron.

K: Ah, your name please, not your professional title.

M: I myself have forgotten my name. I am only the Mouth of Sauron.

K: Um, all right. Please, have a seat. No, really, it's OK to sit down. Please don't just stand there and glower like that. Please.

M: [doesn't move]

K: Now, Mr...Sir...Mouth of Sauron, could you tell me a little bit about your childhood?

M: I myself have forgotten my childhood. I have always been the Mouth of Sauron.

K: Oh dear. Ah...do you remember *anything* about your childhood at all?

M: Such things are not worth the memory.

K: [writing] Possible repressed memories...Sir Mouth, I'm thinking that hypnotherapy might actually be the best thing for you. If you'll just sign this release...[Mouth of Sauron smacks a bloodstained handprint onto the release] wonderful. Now just stand very quietly, shut your eyes, and concentrate on a deep, peaceful place. That's it. Deep, deep. You're getting sleepy...sleepy...just relax every muscle in your body and let go.

[Mouth of Sauron looks completely zoned out]

K: All right then. Now...where you were born?

M: I was born...one of the Maia...servant of Melkor, many ages past.

K: But you're human. At least you certainly look it.

M: Are you kidding? You didn't listen to a word this guy said, did you? He said he's the Mouth of Sauron - of Me - and that's what he is. Did you really think you were going to get HIS personality by delving into his soul?

K: Well, that was the idea. To free him at least a little from the grip that you have on his mind.

M: I *am* his mind. Trust me, Miss, this is an ex-human. His soul is long gone to the fiery torments of the Netherworld. Sure, it was here for a while, but I kicked it out for good a few hundred years ago. Spring-cleaning, you know. His soul was always hanging around whimpering, sort of like that Wormtongue fellow that that putz Saruman is saddled with right now.

K: But do you remember what was IN his soul? The hopes, the dreams, the torments, the traumas, the aspirations? Do you remember?

M: Nah, it's gone. Come on, you're lucky it's not here anymore. The guy was a loser, really he was. You wouldn't have wanted to listen to three hours of his childhood, believe me.

K: How can you say that? You don't know anything about his childhood!

M: Actually I do have his memories backed up on tape somewhere. Not here, though. Nothing too remarkable in them.

K: Why did you come here?

M: To get out of Barad-Dur, of course. Do you know what a pain it is, always sitting on top of Barad-Dur in the shape of a flaming eye? I haven't even got an *eyelid* for Melkor's sake. I'm the most powerful force in Middle Earth and I can't even blink. Now *that's* painful. So every now and then I take Mouth here out of cold storage and go for a trip.

K: Yes, but why *here*, to a therapy session?

M [uncomfortable]: Oh, no reason...just curious about the civilization that I'm on the brink of destroying, that's all.

K [softly]: Really? That's all?

M: Really...that's all...[pause, then SOBS] Oh Melkor, oh Eru, I just couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't take it! Please, just leave me alone...let me be a regular Maia...

K [handing him a tissue]: It's OK, it's OK. Just let it all come out...repressed memories are painful things.

M: Oh, oh...

K: Let it out...let it out...

M: Oh, oh...ROSEBUD! ROSEBUD!

[collapses]

K [shaking him]: Wake up! Wake up!

[Mouth of Sauron has obviously departed this vale of tears]

K: Now what was Rosebud?

[Daewen]

*door bursts open and Arwen comes in shaking*

Arwen: Is this the therapy place?

K: Yes but we're already in a session, maybe you should try...

Arwen: I don't care! *grabs mouth of Sauron and chucks him out the window* I NEED THERAPY!

K: Yes...I can..erm...see that...but you know what, I'm off duty now so why don't you just talk to therapist Q? *runs out of the room reallyfast, and throws a very confused Q inside*

Q: Um...hello there...do you, uh, need therapy or something?

Arwen: YES I DO NEED THERAPY YOU IDIOT!! WHY ELSE WOULD I BE HERE? *growls menicingly*

Q: Just a wild guess...but is it because of you...uh...anger managementissues?

Arwen: I DO NOT HAVE ANGER MANAGEMT ISSUES! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! *throws chair into wall*

Q: Uh...right. Of course you don't, how silly of me. So then...what kind of therapy to you need?

Arwen: *loses her temper immediatly and looks very depressed* Marrage counceling.

Q: Well, this is more of a therapy clinic...we don't really do marrage counceling.

Arwen: Good! Because I'm not married!

Q: But you just said..

Arwen: SHUT UP! *blushes and loses temper again* Sorry...sorry. You see, my fiance, Aragorn...you know, the king of Gondor...he left me standing at the alter.

Q: I see...go on.

Arwen: He left me for some @$#&*! blonde crossdressing sheild maiden!

Q: And this makes you upset?

Arwen: WHAT DO YOU THINK??? OF COURSE IT MAKES ME UPSET!!!!! OOOOOO IF I COULD GET MY HANDS ON ARAGORN RIGHT NOW I'D...

Q: You'd what?

Arwen: *casts eyes down* I'd probably sob my head off and beg him to come back.

*door creeks open and in steps...*

[ January 02, 2003: Message edited by: Daewen ]

[Daewen]

Ok, come on people, this is a fun post...why isn't anyone posting?

Ok, so I'll help you out...in walked Aragorn, and he said....

[Meela]

id love to post, but im kinda short on ideas... but can i reserve Grima Wormtongue and publish his therapy session when ive actually written it?

[Elven Mistress]

*Aragorn walks in and sits down casually in a chair*

Aragorn: Yo!

Q: yeah...hi...

Aragorn: Yo!

Q: hi?

A: Yo!

Arwen: ENOUGH WITH THE 'Yo!'s! OKAY!

*Aragorn turns to Arwen*: YO!

Q: okay, okay, both of you STOP! Now, Arwen, you said you had a problem with Aragorn. He's here now, so i think it's time to tell him your feelings!

Arwen: I'm not talking to him, though! He walked out on me! I shouldn't talk to him!

Q: But you have to express your feelings!

Arwen: I'm not talking to him!

Aragorn: Yo!

*Arwen hit Aragorn on the shoulder*: Shut up!

Q: That was good! Communication!

*Arwen hits Q*: Shut up!

*In walks....???? Next person!*

[Daewen]

It's Eowyn!

Eowyn: Aragorn, you little arse! What is wrong with you!

Aragorn: Yo!

Eowyn: Ugh! He's been doing that ever since I took him to see an Emenem concert.

Arwen: YOU!!! YOU! STOLE! MY! MAN! Oh when I get my hands on you I'll...*begins to choke her*

Eowyn: Eeeek! Aragorn, help me!

Aragorn: Yo, dawg, y'all being straight off the heezy! Arwen's just doin her thang. Don cramp her style yo!

Eowyn: *stares at him blankly*

Arwen: Um...thanks...I think...*pauses and then drops Eowyn, and then runs to him and starts sobbing* Oh Aragorn, please come back to me! I love you, I need you! WHy did you leave me! Oh Aragorn I...

Aragorn: Chill yo. I came to dis therapy place cus I be needin' some help wit my love life dawg. Dis here chick be to clingy. She's waaaaay off the heazy. Ima thinking bout going back to you.

Arwen: I have absolutly no idea what you just said, but I did understand "going back to you" and that's good enough for me! *jumps on him and starts making out*

Q: Uh...yes, well I can see why communication might have been an issue between the two of you...but that seems to be...ahem...resolved...

Eowyn: ARAGORN!!!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT ME!!!

Aragorn: *loses odd rap dialect* What about you? I went with you because you said that you would take me on tour with my idol, Emenem...and you didn't. YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!!

Eowyn: But you wouldn't marry me otherwise.

Aragorn: I know! Why would I want to marry you anyway? You like pop and country! At least Arwen likes rap and hip hop.

Eowyn: but...but...

Arwen: *mockingly* but...but...*turns to Aragaron* oh screw her Aragorn.

Aragorn: I have. *winks* You're better.

Arwen: WHAT!!!??? YOU LITTLE...

Q: Uh...yes, communication, everyone, that's great...let's try to keep the communication G rated *everyone glares at Q* PG rated? *they keep glaring* oh allright, go ahead...

Arwen: ----this has been censored by the Middle Earth Censoring Place Thingy because of the inappropriate names Arwen uses-----

Aragorn: *being strangled by Arwen* but...but I said you're better!

Arwen: I DON'T CARE! YOU'RE PROBABLY THE WORST BOYFRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! HOW COULD YOU SLEEP WITH HER!!! AND AFTER I BOUGHT ALL THAT NEW LEATHER STUFF TOO...

Aragorn: Hey, Eowyn, you never used any leather!

Arwen: *starts sobbing uncontrollably*

Aragorn: *stares* uh...Arwen...sweetie...

Q: *walks over and puts hand on Aragorn's shoulder* She's in a very fragile emotional state right now. You need to reassure her that you're not with Eowyn any more, and that you'll be loyal to her from now on.

Eowyn: Well he's not gonna do that cus he still is with me!

Aragorn: The hell I am! You never got any sexy leather stuff, you don't have any immortality to give up for me, and you never took me to see emenem! Screw you!

Eowyn: ok...*starts undressing*

Arwen: *looks in utter shock and then starts sobbing even harder*

Aragorn: NO!! No that's not what I meant...no...oh Gawd, Eowyn put your dress on! Nobody want's to look at that!

Eowyn: Fine! You didn't seem to have a problem with it last night!

Arwen: *sobs even more...there's now a decent sized puddle around her*

Aragorn: Will you shut up! *gestures to Arwen* look what you're doing to her!

Eowyn: I couldn't give a crap about that little whore!

Aragorn: Well I could! And she's not a whore!

Arwen: *stops sobbing, pounces on Aragorn and starts making out with him again*

Aragorn: *thinking* Damn, she's a good kisser...

Q: *stares incredulously* I've seen some pretty fragile emotional states, but Arwen's is the most fragile by far.

Arwen/Aragorn: *keep making out*

Eowyn: FINE! If you're gonna be like that, than I'm gonna hold my breath untill you agree to come back to me! *holds breath*

Aragorn: *doesn't hear. is too busy with Arwen*

Eowyn: *face is turning blue*

Q: Oh God, help me...

[ January 03, 2003: Message edited by: Daewen ]

[LePetitChoux]

Meanwhile, in the office next door:
Phsychoanalyst A is busy reading the Therapist Almanach and drinking Miruvor and snacking on Lembas. In strolls Goldberry.

A: And how may I help you?
G: It's Tom.
A: *knowing look* what's happened now?
G: He's- he's- Oh! *bursts into tears*
A: There there.

*Tom Bombadil runs in*

G: Aaargh! I mean..Tom. Hi. Nice to see you.
TB:Hey doll!
G: Where have you been? I was wrried sick!
TB: At Merry's, doll.
G: *aside* Just ignore him, he's been calling me "doll" after that 50-s films marathon on the Palantir last week.
A: Will do. So, what appears to be the problem?
G: Well, I've lived in his house for about 400 years, and it's been ok, but I recently found out something...
TB: Don't believe her! She is lying!
A: I'll be the judge of that. But, to reassure you, Tom, I'm willing to hook her up
G:No! Not to the....Lie-Detector!
A:Yes.
G:Oh.

*A hooks her up to the lie detector*

A: We haven't used this here for around 60 years. Bilbo bought it for us when he came back from his travels. It was useful for a while, but then everyone came here full of lies, so our in-house technician fiddled with it, and now I'm not sure if it is, ahem, in mint condition.
G:Ok.
A:So, let us start. Your name?
G: Why? [red light, buzz] No! [red light, buzz] I mean [red light, buzz] Those weren't my answers! [red light, buzz] Oh, for Petes' Sake! [red light, buzz] GOLDBERRY! [green light, ting!]
A: Sorry, it appears to be set to "latch on to every word" Well no wonder half the patients who took this test went mad...
G:What!?
A: Nothing...ok, I've setit to the "reasonably" setting.
G:reasonably? Surely it should be "reasonable"? Know your grammar people!
A:So...What appears to be troubling you?
G: Well, I...[buzz]AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! Ouch, that hurt [buzz] OWWWWWWWWWW! [buzz] AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE![buzz] *this continues for some time, until A and Tom decide something is wrong.
A: I think something is wrong.
TB:I second that opinion.
*sounds of Goldberry screaming can be heard in the background*
A:I wonder what.
TB:No idea...wait a minute! there is dirt after the "reasonably"! Rub it off!
A: *rubs it off* [GASP]
TB: What?
A: It says, "reasonably strong electric shock"! Oh no! Turn it off! Turn it off!

*after Goldberry is unhooked, the session continues*

G:Old man willow told me that Tom killed my father!
TB:No. I am your father
G:No...No....NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A: [img]smilies/rolleyes.gif[/img] Next! *mutters* stupid starwars fans ruining a great session when i get my hands on them just you wait...

*just then, in walks...*

[Daewen]

It's Faramir!!

Faramir: Alright, where is that two timing wife of mine!

A: Uh....

Tom: Goldberry, have you been cheating on me!?

Goldberry: You just said that you were my father! How could I be cheating on you!?

Tom: Oh right...my bad

Yoda: *running around with litesaber* teach you about being a father I will, Tom!

A: Dude, this is a MIDDLE EARTH therapy office. The Star Wars therapy place is next door.

Luke: *humming starwars theme while slicing everything in half with litesaber*

A: And you *points to Luke* most defenatly need therapy! That was a $500 leather chair you just ruined!

Yoda: teach you about the value of a good leather chair I will Luke. Come! Back to swamp we go!

Faramir: *is trying to dodge Luke's litesaber though Luke seems content on slicing him in half* Yeah, back to the swamp you go! AWAY FROM ME! GOOOOOO! *turns to Yoda* hey green dude, you wanna help me out here...

Yoda: Listen to the jedi master you must Luke, or end up like your father you will!

Luke: My father! Nooooooo! He's an old fat bald guy!!!!!!

Yoda: *nods* Luke does not want to be like that, no he does not. Back to swamp. Come come! *both exit*

A: well...that was unusual...anyway, what were you saying about your...*hears yelling from the next room. FINE! If you're gonna be like that, than I'm gonna hold my breath untill you agree to come back to me!*

Faramir: Oh...so that's where she is!

Tom: Hey, dol, don't be mad at your wife! Be a merry dol, and ring a dong a dillo!

Faramir: right...you're even worse than that sad rap obsessed excuse for a king she was with.

Goldberry: Now you know how I feel!

Faramir: *Looking at Goldberry* Hey...since my wife is probably gonna die due to lack of air...you wanna go have coffie or something?

Tom: NOOOOO! GOLDBERRY IS MINE!!!!!

Goldberry: I thought you were my father!

Tom: Well...I'm not! I did kill your father...he wouldn't let me marry you!

Goldberry: We didn't get married anyway!

Tom: Well...uh....what's your point!

Goldberry: *grabs sword from Eomer, and talks in thick spanish accent* Allo. My name eez Goldberry. You keeled my father. Prepare to die! *lunges at Tom*

Tom: Hey dol! What gives?

Goldberry: Aieeeee! DIE YOU STUPID LOOSER!!!!

Faramir: Ok...then coffee won't work out...I think I'll just go and see if I can save my wife from the brink of suicde...BYE! *runs out of the room and goes next door*

A: HEY!!! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!

[ January 04, 2003: Message edited by: Daewen ]

[ January 04, 2003: Message edited by: Daewen ]

[LePetitChoux]

I would like to quickly point out that Éomer isn't married. [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[Daewen]

Woah! my mistake! lemme edit that...*blush*

[Diamond18]

Meanwhile, in a therapy office far, far away on the other side of town, well removed from this madness...

Therapist D: "Vell, vhat do ve have here? Hobbits! Four hobbbits!"

Frodo: "Um...excuse me, but I just dropped in to ask directions. I need to know...Mordor, is it left or right?"

Therapist D: "Vell, that depends. Do you vant to get to Mordor or avoid it?"

Frodo: "I want to get there."

Therapist D: "Veeeell, that is very interesting indeed. Vhy do you vant to get there?"

Frodo: "Oh, no, I see what you're up to. Nobody rents space in my mind, do you hear? I just want directions, plain and simple. I ask, you tell."

Therapist D: "But today I am having a sale: a group therapy session, 4 for the price of 1. Vould you and your furry little friends like to participate?"

Samwise: "Now, look here, Mr. Frodo has a mission, and nobody is going to get in our vay...in mean way..."

Pippin: "Yes, we're on a very important mission...quest...thing..."

Therapist D: "Oh, please tell me all about it. And have some mushroom donuts...they're free."

Pippin: "All right, you talked me into it."

Therapist D: "And some nice crispy bacon."

Merry: "I'm in."

Frodo: "All right, all right. I suppose we can take a little break. Well, it all started when my parents died in a boating accident—"

Therapist D: "And how did this make you feel?"

Frodo: "Happy...I never liked them anyway."

Therapist D: "Very interesting..."

Frodo: "And so then I got to movie in with my cousin Bilbo...Mad Baggins everyone called him."

Therapist D: "Oooh, that is very interesting! How did that make you feel?"

Frodo: "I didn't think about it. I was too bust learning Elvish."

Therapist D: "Elvis?"

Frodo: "No, Elvish."

Therapist D: "You mean Elfish?"

Frodo: "NO! Elvish!"

Therapist D: "All right, all right...vhere vere ve? Ah yes...your mad cousin Bilbo..."

Frodo: "Well,to make a long story short, one day he disappeared, and left me all his possessions."

Therapist D: "And how did that make you feel?"

Frodo: "Rich. Now, a few year passed, and Gandalf came by—"

Therapist D: "Gandalf?"

Frodo: "Yes, Gandalf. He's a Wizard. Now—"

Therapist D: "Gandalf?"

Frodo: "Yes, I said Gandalf! You know...tall elderly chap...pointy hat!"

Therapist D: "Oh, of course. Continue, please..."

Frodo: "Anyway, Gandalf told me that the Ring that Bilbo left me was the One Ring forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom."

Therapist D: "And how did this make you feel?"

Frodo: "What do you think? I was scared. But I kept my wits about me..."

Therapist D: "And so vhat did you do?"

Frodo: "Nothing. Well, for a few years, that is. Then I set out for Rivendell, where the Elves live—"

Therapist D: "You mean the Elfs."

Frodo: "No! For the love of Eru, this is the last time! Elves! Elvish! Elven! Say it!"

Therapist D: "Elves! Elvish! Elven!"

Frodo: "Good. Now—"

Sam: "Mr Frodo, the donuts are almost gone. Are you sure you don't want one?"

Frodo: "No, no. I'm not hungry."

Sam: "But you've hardly been eating at all. Don't think I haven't noticed."

Frodo: "I said no."

Sam: "Oh...all right."

Therapist D: "Hmm...how does this rejection make you feel, Sam?"

Sam: "Like hitting you over the head with a pan."

Therapist D: "Oh, very interesting."

Pippin: "So when is the group therapy going to start? You've been talking to Frodo all this time and ignoring us."

Therapist D: "And how does that make you feel, young Took?"

Pippin: "Bored and restless. I may have to do something foolish to get your attention."

Merry: "Well, if anyone at all cares how I feel...I feel small and insignificant and lonely. Like a rag-tag-tagalong."

Therapist D: "And how does feeling that vay make you feel?"

Merry: "Like stabbing you in the knee."

Pippin: " 'Oops', I set your drapes on fire. Heheh."

Frodo: "Can we get back to my extremely interesting story?"

Therapist D: "In a minute. I have to douse my drapes."

Frodo: "Yeah, well time is wasting. I have to get to Mordor. So which way is it, left or right?"

Therapist D: "Argh! The fire is spreading...and I just burned my hand."

Frodo: "How does that make you feel?"

Therapist D: "Burnt."

Sam: "We have to get out of here!"

Frodo: "Let's do."

*They all run out into the lobby*

Pippin: "Here, I'll help you put out the fire. But you have to do one thing."

Therapist D: "And what is that?"

Pippin: "Take us south."

Therapist D: "But that vill lead you to Isengard!"

Pippin: "I know. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It's the last thing he'll suspect."

Therapist D: "Vho?"

Pippin: "Voo?"

Therpist D: "Vho?"

Pippin: "What does 'voo' mean?"

Therapist D: "Not 'voo', vho?"

Merry: "Look, fellas, I found a map to Mordor. It's definitely 'left'."

Therapist D: "But the session isn't over, and my office is on fire."

*Sam winds up and clunks Therapist D over the head with a pan. Theapist D falls to the floor, unconcious*

Frodo: "Whew, thanks Sam. You're a lifesaver."

Merry: "No need to thank me for finding the map..."

Pippin: "Don't worry, Merry. I appreciate you. Are you going to finish that donut in your hand?"

Merry: "No, you can have it."

Frodo: "I feel better already. Let's get out of here."

*The hobbits leave, and Therapist D rises up groggily*

Therapist D: "My diagnosis is...you all need serious anger managment therapy...oy...and I have a headache..."

[Daewen]

Menwhile...back in the madhouse...er...i mean...therapy session...

Faramir: *bursting in* EOWYN!!! *sees her face is turning blue* Oh for God's sake let go of your breath!

Eowyn: *puts hands on hips and looks at him stubbornly*

Faramir: Hey...anyone wanna help me out here?
*looks at Aragorn who is...uh...well let's just say busy...and then looks at Q*

Q: Uh...well...what do you want me to do?

Faramir: Make her breathe!

Q: I can't do that! Do I look like a paramedic to you? All I can do is give you a diagnosis as to why she's not breathing...

Faramir: Then do that goddamnit! She's my wife and I don't want her dying!

Q: And why is it that you don't want her to die?

Faramir: *violins start playing in background* Because I love her! She's my other half...my soul mate...my...*is cut off because Eowyn has decided to breathe again and has pounced on Faramir and started kissing him*

Q: *looks around at both couples* Well...I think we've resolved this issue....*looks at Aragorn&Arwen* Oh alright you two...get a room for God's sake...

---Well this therapy session has come to a close...just one more success in the name of Middle Earth shrinks everywhere...but after Q had gotten the two happy couples out of his office (and into bed [img]smilies/wink.gif[/img] ) his door creaked open, and in stepped...----

[Marileangorifurnimaluim]

LOL, Diamond, you're hilarious!

-Maril

[Diamond18]

Vhy thank you! [img]smilies/smile.gif[/img]

[ January 04, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[LePetitChoux]

...The Ghost of Denethor!

[LePetitChoux]

N.B. Everything in italics is Q writing in his little notebook.

Ghost of Denethor: I don't need help.
Q: So why did you come here?
GOD: I...I didn't!
Q:Yes you did.
GOD: Didn't
Q: Did
GOD: Didn't
Q:pathological untruthfullness...broken home...bereavement?...ghostly status may have smth. to do with it... children? *speaking* So, do you have any children?
GOD:*bursts into tears*
Q:children appear to be cause of grief/death. Bereaved of child? *speaking*Are your children dead?
GOD: No. Not one of them is dead.
Q: *thinking* hmm...curious...*reads previous notes.* Aah, pathological lying. one kid dead.

I'll continue tomorrow, or one of you guys may.

[Diamond18]

Q: "So, if I may be so bold, how was it that you died?"

GhoD: "It was an accident. But I must say, it was a pleasure to burn..."

Q: *Shifts in chair uncomfortably* "Er...yes. Did your death have anything to do with your children?"

GhoD: "Yes! That's it. One of my children killed me by accident."

Q: "Uh-huh. Which one?"

GhoD: "Um...Boromir."

Q: "Boromir the Bold?

GhoD: "No, Boromir the Tall. Or Boromir the Brave. I don't rightly remember."

Q: "So what did he do?"

GhoD: "He..."

Q: Oh what tangled webs we weave, when we practice to deceive... "All right, hold that thought. Let's talk about your other child. Is it a boy or girl?"

GhoD: "A girl."

Q: Second child, boy... "Name?"

GhoD: "Faramirette."

Q: Name, Faramir... "Is Faramir the dead one or the living one?"

GhoD: "The dead one...or...the living one...you know, I'm not really sure."

Q: Moving on to phase two...lets not give him enough time to think up lies... "All right. Now let's play a game called word association. I say a word, you tell me the first thing that pops into your mind within a split second. If you take longer than a split second to reply, you will get an electric shock.

"The first word is, Matches."
GhoD: "Fun."
Q: "Faramir."
GhoD: "Dumb."
Q: "Gandalf."
GhoD: "Glum."
Q: "Pippin."
GhoD: "Thumb."
Q: "Huh?"
GhoD: "Pippin was all thumbs."
Q: "Oh, right. Aragorn."
GhoD: "Bum."
Q: "Sauron."
GhoD: "Scum."
Q: "Cherries Flambeau."
GhoD: "Yum."
Q: "Darkness and despair."
GhoD: "Outcome."

Q: "Well, that phase was certainly telling! Now—"

GhoD: "Could you lend me a match?"

Q: "Huh? Oh sure...."

<A swell of ominous orchestral music>

[ January 06, 2003: Message edited by: Diamond18 ]

[Brinniel]

Suddenly, the Ghost of Boromir floats in.

GoB: Dad? I didn't know you were dead, too! What happened?

GoD: I'm not dead! Oh, wait...I am, huh. What happened to me was an accident, really. Which son are you, by the way?

GoB: *rolls eyes* Boromir. Can't you ever remember anything? Anyways, what are you doing with that match? Set it down, before you start a fire!

*GoD hesitates*

GoB: Dad!

GoD: Ok, ok. *sets down match*

Q: Did you come in here asking for help, Boromir?

GoB: Yeah, what else? Obviously, I didn't expect my own father to be here!

Q: Well, what is the problem?

GoB: I have an obession.

Q: With what?

GoB: Shiny things. But there is one thing in particular that I can't stop thinking about.

Q: And what is that?

GoB: The One Ring to rule them all.

GoD: The One Ring to rule them all? Where is it, Boromir? Who has it?

GoB: Some stupid halfling named Frodo.

GoD: Frodo? Weren't you traveling with him? Why didn't you take the Ring?

GoB: I tried. I told the idiot Frodo that using it would be for the good of Gondor (and me). Anyways, that Frodo put on the Ring and disappeared. Then some orcs came along and killed me. *sniff* Curse that hobbit. He will betray us. I know it.

Q: And how does that make you feel, Boromir?

GoB: Devastated. I mean, I'm dead, so I don't really care about the fate of Gondor anymore. But that ring was so shiny and beautiful. It would've looked perfect on my finger!

Q: And how does the fact that Frodo may give the Ring to Sauron make you feel, Denethor?

GoD: Angry. At Boromir, I mean. He could've tried a LITTLE harder to get that ring. It would've even looked better on my finger!

GoB: Don't be mad at me! Be mad at Faramir. He refused the Ring the moment it came into his sight!

GoD: What?! He did that? Why that little-

Q: How does this information make you feel, Denethor?

GoD: Even more angry than before! I wish I had done what I was going to do to that fool for a son!

Q: What were you going to do?

GoD: Light him on fire.

Q: Hmmm. It seems to me that you have some anger management issues, Denethor.

GoD: No, I don't. I'm just mad. Crazy mad, I mean.

Q: Well, then. There you go. As for you, Boromir. You need to do something to get rid of that obsession with the One Ring and other shiny things.

GoB: Like what?

Q: Read a book. Take up a sport. Scare people for fun. Uhh, start a jewelry collection. Wait, take that back. Do NOT start a jewelry collection.

GoB: Ok. Got it.

Q: Good. Now get out, both of you! I have another appointment! *shoos them both away*

[ January 06, 2003: Message edited by: Brinniel ]

[Nari]

Not only does this reveal things about a character, it also reveals what kind of a therapist I would be.

Laurel the Therapist (L): Come in!

*a man enters, draped in a cloak, consealing his face*

L: Are you my five o'clock?

Man in Cloak (M): Yes... I need to talk to you.

L: Yeah, well that's what I'm here for. Sit down, but don't sit in the fuzzy chair, that's my chair.

*M sits*

L: So, what do you need help with? Murder, suicide, abusive parents...

M: I think I'm gay.

L: Of course.

M: But I have a daughter, and that's the problem, what if I got found out? I mean, I have taken a liking to a specific wizard and... well, I've been called a crossdresser more than once...

*L examines her fingernails and eyes the clock*

M: Are you paying attention to me? Don't you have any advice?

L: What do you need help with? Become a drag queen.

M: But... I don't know if I want to...

L: Okay then, God! Quit whining. Your problems this, your problems that, some other people have problems too, you know.

*M takes in a shaky breath*

L: Okay, okay, sorry. Tell me about your wizard friend.

M: Oh... well. He is good to talk to, and he comes to me a lot for help. He's old but I think I've taken some kind of odd liking to him.

L: Hmm.

M: But I mean, this is only the surface of my problems. Appearances. I think I'm in way over my head. I have to be responsible for my people, I have to make decisions, my daughter is in love with this mangy human guy who I think is definately gay, or into Hobbits, at least. She doesn't value my opinion as much as his, I feel so unwanted. And then I have this guilt hanging over my head for not getting rid of this ring that could have- oh, I don't think I should have mentioned that.

*L leans forward*

L: No, go on. A ring? What kind of stone?

M: No stone, just gold.

*L leans back*

L: Oh. Okeydokey.

M: It's a very evil ring. It could destroy the world, and because of it, my people had to flee our home...

*Something flashes from under the cloak*

L: What was that?

M: What? Nothing...

L: Heyyy... is that a tiara?

M: No! It's a headband. I need to wear it.

L: Why?

*M lowers hood and slips the headband off*

L: OH MY GOD! THE FOREHEAD... THE FOREHEAD!!!

M: Hey! I'm paying you to be sympathetic.

L: Yes... Uhm... you have a nice forehead.

M: Really?

L: Yes, very sexy. *writes note on notepad "Compliments... $200" *

M: Oh. Thanks! Hey! Maybe I'm not gay after all... I mean, I think you're rather attractive.

L: Oh? *Erases extra charge*

*M uses super elf vision to watch and smirks a bit to himself*

L: So, what was your childhood like?

M: Well, I'm really old, so a lot of stuff happened to me...

L: Old? Like what, 30?

*M laughs a bit.*

M: Yes, let's say I'm 30. Anyway...

L: Yeah. Okay so, We have fifteen minutes left. Anything else you'd like to get off your chest?

*M slips his cloak off*

L: My god! I wanted that dress and they were out!

M: Do you think it makes me look like a fairy princess or something?

L: Yes, but it's pretty. I mean, at least you aren't wearing tank tops and fishnets. I think the look suits you, actually.

M: Really?

L: Totally! I mean, opt for some rust colored eye shadow, and I have a blush that would do wonders for your skin...

M: Can we talk about something else?

L: Sure. Go on to the "I need to save my troubled, troubled people" part.

M: Yes, well. I believe the eye of Sauron is on Rivendell, so we evacuated and I'm not sure if the danger has passed and I keep getting these mind-messages from Galadriel..

L: Whoa. Babe channeling you?

M: She is my mother-in-law.

L: Meow.

M: No, it's not like that. She puts fear in my heart and I believe she is right. I know she is right... Frodo will die...

L: You blame yourself. And you also still feel guilty about not forcing Isildur to destroy the ring and for sending the Fellowship on an impossible quest?

M: How did you know that?

L: I've seen Two Towers eight times.

M: ...... Oh. Well anyway...

L: Time's up!

M: But I have so much more to say!

L: Hook me up with Éowyn and you can have all the time you want.

M: What?

L: You can come back next week. Here's my card. Please sign your bill right here...

*M signs and then exits*

L: *reading from card* Elle Ronde. Oh, that's subtle.

[Pipperin]

Pippin's Session:
Therapist=T Pippin=P

T:So what seems to be the problem?

P:Everyone keeps calling me Fool-of-a-took, im not a fool! I just mess up once and a while! Anyways, most of the stuff in the movie I didnt do! Im not that stupid! I mean, it was a rock that fell down a well, not a whole body! And I new where we were going at Rivendell...vaguely, but...

T:Alright Mr.Took, please calm down, no need to be mad, it is only a name, that is really catchy to say!

P: But it hurts man! I have feelings too! I get blamed for everything, what about Merry, hes like sauron in disguise! And Frodo nevers gets blamed cause he has to carry that oh so heavy ring!

T:When did they start calling you by that name?

P:Hmmmm. I dont know, too long to remember, but it was probably the first time i met Gandalf...
Flash back
*Baby Pippin sitting beside Gandalf at a table, Gandalf smiles at Pippin, Pippin claps his hands and knocks over a candle, table burns down, Gandalf backs away from the fire so as not to catch on fire and accidentaly sits on the stove, Gandalf runs out of the room yellinf "FOOL-OF-A-TOOK!"

T:I see...

P:Is it time to go yet? Im starving!

T:Yes, you can go.

*Pippin walks out
*Therapist takes of fake glasses and turns out to be Sam
*Sam holds up a tape recorder

Sam: Wait till everyone hears this!

[Sindafalathiel]

In a small room down the hall Reania, an intern therapist sits reading in an armchair.
In walks Legolas Greenleaf, looking rather stressed.
Reania(R)*looks up* How may I help you?
Legolas(L)I need to see a therapist.
R: Have a seat, and relax. I'll be with you in a moment.
1 minute later
R: So, what's the problem, Mr...uh...
L:Greenleaf. I'm being chased by thousands of teenagers.
R: oh?
L: All female.
R:*cringes* fangirls?
L: yes. how do I get rid of them?
R: ummmmm...shoot one with a bow and arrow?
L: Do you really think that would work?
*Banging is heard on the door*
R: get down behind the desk.
L: *hides*
R: *walks to the door, opens it, and is mobbed by thousands of rabid screaming fangirls* HEY! SETTLE DOWN!! Do you ALL need therapy?
FGs: WE WANT LEGOLAS! WE WANT LEGOLAS!
R: I'm afraid he's not here. now please, there are atients here. we do not want to disturb them.
FGs: WE WANT LEGOLAS! WE WANT LEGOLAS! *stampede over R and into the room. How they can all fit in is a mystery. L is heard begging for mercy*
FGs: *All try to make out with L*
R: GO AWAY! ALL OF YOU!
FGs: NO! WE WANT LEGOLAS!
R: *Makes way over to desk and picks up a phone and dials a number* Security to room 1313, Security to room 1313

[Erana]

ok.
Legolas comes in and is crying. Erana Gimli doesn't want to goto the west Havens and I do PLEASE tell me what I can do to make him come??

ME: Get him drunk REALLY drunk!