To be complete...

[Tigerlily Gamgee]

So, I'm reading this book right now called A Return to Love. A friend lent it to me last year when she thought I was feeling quite down and that I needed it. She said that it changed her life and that she was sure it would change mine (I don't know if it will, even now that I read it, but it does make some good points, whether you are Christian or not [which I am not, really, overwhelmingly])Well, I started to read it at that point, but I stopped... maybe I didn't need it. I just recently picked it up again because of something I've gone through in life. I felt that maybe I did need it now. She made such a big deal about it being so wonderful I thought I'd give it a go.
So, "Where is this all going?" I bet you're asking yourself. Well, this book has an interesting section on relationships. I enjoy the way it views and describes them and I think it makes some good points... some good points that could be brought up for discussion here.
It speaks of a "special relationship" which means that one person we seek out who we think shall complete us. This made me think of Eowyn and how, I think, she thought Aragorn could save her with love. For example, the book says:

The special relationship makes other people - their behavior, their choices, their opinions of us - too important. It makes us think we need another person, when in fact we are complete and whole as we are

Eowyn sees Aragorn as someone who can heal her... give her the love she's been denied. Perhaps she feels weak... when we, obviously, know that she is not. In that manner, she was whole from the beginning. It wasn't Aragorn that she was really chasing after when she dressed as Dernhelm, even if she may have thought that. None of us truly know why she went, because it's never spelt out in the book... there are only interpretations. It is said she went because she wanted to die. Maybe she did. She was under the delusion that without Aragorn's love she was nothing... without Theoden's love, she was nothing... if all that she loved was gone, then she should be gone as well.
The book mentions different kind of relationships... those where we just meet someone for a day, an hour, a minute... but who we can learn from. I know I've experienced this, and I surely know that characters in LOTR experience this on their journey. Then there is the one where two people meet, are together for a time, and separate when all that's needed to be learned is learned... perhaps this is what Eowyn and Aragorn had. Eowyn didn't get what she thought she wanted, but she surely learned a lesson from him... and perhaps he, unknowingly, brought out an inner strength in her that she always had but was blind to. Then there is the third kind... where people are together for their lives... Aragorn and Arwen.

The book mentions two styles of relationships - the "special one" and the "holy one."

The purpose of a special relationship is to teach us to hate ourselves, while the purpose of a holy relationship is to heal us of our self-loathing. In the special relationship, we are always trying to hide our weaknesses. In the holy relationship, it's understood that we all have unhealed places, and that healing is the purpose of our being with another person.

In a way... Eowyn never really did let her true self shine to Aragorn. Rather, I think she was trying to be who she thought he wanted. Whereas with Faramir, she was herself, right at the start. She never hid her emotions from Faramir.
The book then mentions how you can't find a true relationship until you, yourself are whole. You can't look to be "fixed" or "completed" by another... you must fix yourself first.
I think that by the time Eowyn met Faramir she had completed herself. She had set out what she thought she wanted to do, failed at that (or so she thought), and then came out the other side.
Many people claim that Faramir "tamed" Eowyn, but I don't think he did. I don't think she was ever "wild." She was driven, that's for sure... but it was her emotions and fears that drove her. It's not like she sat up in bed everynight and plotted out her emotions and her life. Once those emotions and fears were stripped from her, she could see for herself who she really was. Faramir didn't "heal" her, she healed herself, and he was there to receive her because he, too, had healed himself.

These views are all based on this book. I'm making the comparisons based on what the book says. I do not think this book is the "end all" of all answers, but I thought it'd make for interesting dicussion.
So, if Aragorn was Eowyn's special relationship, then Faramir was her holy one.

[alatar]

Interesting thread topic.

I'm going to disagree in regards to someone helping you complete (make whole) yourself. In my own experience, my wife helped me on that journey (don't think that it ever ends). Surely I was on the path of desiring 'wholeness' at the time - I'd sworn off superficial relationships - but it was she that made it all possible. And I know that others would not have done the same, and so maybe she and I have a holy relationship.

But enough about me.

Eowyn had lost her father. That's a big whole to fill. Theoden didn't help fill that void enough; he loved her, yet he began to fail as Wormtongue began to possess his ear. Eomer, another source of love, was cut off to her as he was out gaining glory - maybe this helped him with his issues. Wormtongue, definitely the suitor from Angband, made the whole in her heart larger, not smaller, as he hoped that eventually she would fall for even him.

By the time Aragorn came along, Eowyn was really hurting. Theodred was just lost (another friend/cousin), and so she may have been at the bottom. Aragorn, a real man and a really good choice for a mate, shows up at that time. Of course this drowning woman is going to grab for anything (with the exception of Grima) that'll keep her afloat. When Aragorn slips her grasp, she goes under for the third time, and so we get Dernhelm.

Facing death in the form of the Witch-King, Eowyn passes through. Maybe she realizes that, as you state, that it's in her and that she's already whole, though she does have a few wounds that need to be dressed and healed. This epiphany allows her open up and let someone like Faramir in, who then helps her with her own healing (and maybe he gets the help that he too needs from her).

Anyway, just some thoughts, and here's hoping that you're not too sad.

[Folwren]

It’s a very interesting topic, Tigerlily, but I think the views you’ve thrown out are, well, wrong.

As Alatar said, I don’t think that we can ever be entirely whole by ourselves. I realize that it wasn’t you who said this, but rather that book, so I don’t want your feathers ruffled, but I don’t think that we can ever be entirely whole or completed by ourselves. Quite frankly, we’re all lacking.

Eowyn was lacking as well. She was hurting very deeply, and she felt empty and void within herself because she could never find anything that would fill that hole. When Aragorn came about, I think she saw a man who she would really not mind being the wife of. . .she practically idolized him. He told her that she did and that she didn’t love him, really, but a dream and a phantom and that what she had in her mind could never really come to pass.

Perhaps she was trying to prove to people that she was something more than she really was. She was indeed trying to fill that emptiness inside of her by her own power and will, but it didn’t work. Going off to war was the only way she saw of either proving herself (pretty much to herself because no one else doubted her), or dying in the attempt. When she didn’t die, she thought she was back to the same old problem. But then she met Faramir and realized that, yes, I can be myself, and someone can love me as such. Faramir didn’t look for anything deeper than what she was willing to give him. Faramir, unlike Aragorn, actually wanted to love her, and not only that, he wanted to love her for what she was, and she got to see that she really didn’t have anything to prove. She didn’t have to be able to fight, or to go to battle.

So, there are some half formed thoughts thrown out on the subject. I’ve always pondered Eowyn’s character and behavior. She’s a very intriguing character. And this topic is great for making a person think.

-- Folwren

[Morquesse]

Since Eowyn has many facets to her, it would be hard to analyse every aspect of her. The aspect I want to pick on, I think, is why she dressed up as Dernhelm. A quick answer to this is: she wants to be a guy.
Honestly, I don't recall when we meet her that she is satisfied being a woman. When asked what she feared, Eowyn gave a description of it. I think that this description is her perception of the life of a woman, any woman. She thinks that women have nothing to do, stay at home, and with nothing exciting happening except when the men return from war or the hunt. Eowyn would make a good contemporary American woman and a lousy hobbitess.
Therefore, I think Eowyn wants to be a guy, or at least return to the days of Shield-maidens. She has this nagging desire, and I think that she thinks that if Eowyn could prove herself a proper warrior, then she would feel 'whole'. I imagine that when she met Aragorn, that she didn't love him or even seek a great relationship, but she loved the idea of what he represented and what he would do. He was a future king, a hero in Rohan and Gondor, has a proceding reputation, and is the guy that any smart girl would want to marry and any father-in-law would be proud of. So I think Eowyn didn't love him, but maybe was jealous of Aragorn and wanted to be a great man of honor like him.
It could be she was jealous because she felt useless, like she feared. She wanted to do something to make people proud of her, and that's a hard thing to do (in her mind) when you're women. What Faramir did was show that Eowyn was a person entire, and that she didn't need to prove herself. I don't think that she then depended on Faramir to make her whole, but rather he showed Eowyn that people loved her the way she was.
Thanks Tigerlily for this discussion.
~M