Dwarven Boasting Contest

[Snorri Swifthammer]

The purpose of this thread is to proclaim that Dwarves are the greatest of all races. We are slayers of Dragons and builders of great stone halls. We are brewers of the finest ales in all the land and collecters of treasures, great and small.

So proclaim how great the Dwarves are. Though I guess the "lesser" races could proclaim how "great" they are too.

(OOC: I just started this as a fun diversion. Pick your favorite race and list some of their great accomplishments. I tried not to list too much about the Dwarves so others can jump in.

Now the one rule is this. This is a boasting contest, say how great your race is but DON'T attack others races. So "Dwarves are the strongest and hardiest race of all because we can throw a troll from a mountain top and bounce it five times" is a good boast, but "Dwarves are the best because Elves are so frail a strong breeze can blow them away to the West" is bad. Emphasis the good points of your race, not the bad points of another. In the examples above trolls are used as a reference, but elves are used as a target.

Go to it, start boasting!)

[the phantom]

We are slayers of Dragons

Ha! Don't make me laugh, lowly dwarf!

Men are by far and away the superior race. WE are the slayers of dragons. Glaurung, Scatha, and Smaug were all slain by MEN. Ancalagon was slain by a half-man, half-elf. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that it was the mannish half that delivered the death blow.

It was a MAN who mocked Morgoth in front of his very eyes. It was a MAN who cut a Silmaril from Morgoth's iron crown. It was a MAN who terrified the Valar so much that they called upon Eru to sink his armada and bury the army that was preparing to wrest Valinor from their control. It was a MAN who, after being called weak by movie-Elrond, went behind the house and made out with Elrond's hot daughter.

MAN!!!

[Morsul the Dark]

We are the ents all shall bow to our mighty strentgh our great wisdom our amazing patience but most importantly we destroyed the iron fang when others fell to its grasp.

[alatar]

Originally Posted by the phantom

It was a MAN who mocked Morgoth in front of his very eyes. It was a MAN who cut a Silmaril from Morgoth's iron crown. It was a MAN who terrified the Valar so much that they called upon Eru to sink his armada and bury the army that was preparing to wrest Valinor from their control. It was a MAN who, after being called weak by movie-Elrond, went behind the house and made out with Elrond's hot daughter.

Seems that man will do practically any crazy thing just to get a kiss from a she-elf... but isn't that how it works in the real world too?

I'll post my boasts later.

[alatar]

It's wizards, my good Snorri, that you are looking for.

They have dual citizenship (I hope that I don't have to explain that), are of a limited hang out (there were only Five), can do all kinds of cool tricks (useful around she-elves, especially if you'd rather not have to dejewel Valar to impress fathers of she-elves), carry big sticks, use them too. As Maia, are just one level below CEO (Chief Eru Officer).

One was known for drinking, smoking, and wandering around talking to everyone (today he would have just iChated), and was always the life of the party, whether that party was a group of dwarves or 200,000 marauding orcs. With long hair and robes, was a real hippy earthy kind of guy who never outstayed his welcome. Rubbed shoulders with the lowly and royalty alike - note that I'll refrain from name-dropping as that would turn into a "who's who of ME," don't cha know.

One of the Five restored the Dwarven kingdom of Erebor. The same cleaned up Moria, which I think has some other name given to it by original owners, who seemingly just up and abandoned the place to squatters. Also this one took down the Boss for the Third Age level, saving all peoples of Middle Earth. Pretty impressive resume I would say.

And Dragons? Phewey! He was so 'above' them that he sent an underling to cool off one of the last ones, as they weren't worth his attention. A Balrog, sometimes known as Durin's Bane (was Durin a Dwarf?), ran from him, and was completely flightless in the wizard's presence (especially when he dropped him from a bridge).

What's not to like?

[Neurion]

Originally Posted by the phantom

Ha! Don't make me laugh, lowly dwarf!

Men are by far and away the superior race. WE are the slayers of dragons. Glaurung, Scatha, and Smaug were all slain by MEN. Ancalagon was slain by a half-man, half-elf. It doesn't take a genious to figure out that it was the mannish half that delivered the death blow.

It was a MAN who mocked Morgoth in front of his very eyes. It was a MAN who cut a Silmaril from Morgoth's iron crown. It was a MAN who terrified the Valar so much that they called upon Eru to sink his armada and bury the army that was preparing to wrest Valinor from their control.
MAN!!!

Curse you for a short-lived Hildor!

I keep hoping to think of a counter to salve the honour of my pointy-eared brethren, but as of yet I'm blank.

[dancing spawn of ungoliant]

Though I guess the "lesser" races could proclaim how "great" they are too.

Ah, the mightiest creatures of Arda are ponies, of course. They can bear heavy loads (rumours say that even hobbits ) without any word of complain. Ponies are almost tireless workers and with their incredible senses ponies can scent danger. These hosses also represent probably the only species that has ever gotten away alive from the infamous Barrow Downs on their own.

[Maeggaladiel]

Know you fools what I think of thy foolish banter? Listen to my laughter: HA HA HA HA HA! Istari and men indeed!

Now that fun and games are over, you will all bow to the awesome might of the greatest of all creatures. Yes, cower in the icy, dark shadow of the hobbit!

Aye, hobbits; the most dangerous creature ever to walk the land. They are ever-hungry, always seeking some tasty morsel to devour, not caring if it has family back home.

Be not decieved by their humble appearance; beneath the cute exterior lies a killer. Who killed the Witch King? A HOBBIT! (Yeah, okay, that human lady helped him a little.) Who fended off the gigantic bloodthirsty Shelob? A HOBBIT! (Okay, so she didn't really die. It's the thought that counts.)

Slay dragons? HA! Why waste their energy? They just steal what they need from the horde and let their pathetic underlings do the rest. They riddle with creatures of darkness, steal wine from under the elvenking's nose, fend off dreaded Barrow-Wights and still have time to announce the arrival of any eagle that comes within a ten mile radius of them.

They're crafty! They'll take your most treasured possesion and give it to your enemy! They're tough! Stab 'em, feed 'em to a monster, give 'em to a cave troll... and BAM! They're okay!

Do I need to add that there is no book titled "The Man," "The Dwarf," or "The Istari?" Obviously the hobbit is the dominant species here.

[Neurion]

And I say that you are all beneath us.

The Elves are by far the greatest of the Free Races.
We are the wisest, by far the longest-lived, the most graceful and elegant of examples of Illuvatar's creation, and we can drink wine for days on end without falling over (dismiss any of those Hobbit rumours to the contrary you may have heard ).

We are the greatest warriors, the tallest and most endurant, we can walk over new-blown snow without leaving a mark and see clearly beyond even the sight of the Eagles. We are the fairest forms of life upon Middle-Earth, and the fairest of our maidens cause flowers to bloom even as they tread lightly over the grass (strangely enough though, many of the most high and beautiful among them also have atrocious taste in choosing their mates).

Do not try and fight against what you know to be true. We of the Eldar are the greatest and all else must properly bow before us.

[Nilpaurion Felagund]

What is all this nonsense before me? The only thing I know other races can do best is boast about their little accomplishments.

The greatest and most majestic of all races Eru put on Arda happen to be Wargs. Tom Bombadil, the most powerful being on Middle-earth, is a Warg. So are the Istari--don't believe it when the books say they're Maiar. Angamandi, time and again they come to the salvation of Arda! Who caused the defeat of the armies of Morgoth? Eönwë and a hundred Wargs. Who caused the destruction of Ar-Pharazôn's impious armada? Sea-Wargs. Who actually defeated Sauron--twice? A Warg.

Obviously, Wargs are the best.

(Commendations to all who posted here. I'd give you all reps, but I'm still waiting for 24 hours to expire.)

[Estelyn Telcontar]

Come on, guys – who do you all think you are?? Bragging about your prowess as if you were the ones pulling all the strings! Why don’t you look to see who the real Powers That Be are? They are the females of the races, of course!

Think of any race – let’s start off with Valar. Who is worshipped by the Elves, the object of their songs and prayers? Manwë? Not a chance! Putting the stars in the sky is a pretty big, universal kind of power, and who’s the one?? O Elbereth…

Now for the Maiar – take Melian, for example. Well, Thingol did - take her, I mean, as his wife. Without her protection, what would have become of his kingdom? And without her calm judgement, he would have been in trouble much sooner than he was.

Then their daughter Lúthien, a union of Maia and Elf – she picked a boyfriend, thought he was hot stuff, and ended up having to help him. He made a promise to get her dad a jewel, and who had to do the work? A woman! Who was able to sing the biggest baddie of them all to sleep? Who was able to soften the heart of Mandos to get said boyfriend back to life?? I rest my case on this point.

Then comes that most powerful of Elven rulers – a She-Elf. Galadriel fought the baddie of her times, kept a whole kingdom going, and even had time to weave cloaks, twist ropes, and bake lembas in her spare time.

You think her granddaughter only got the ability to do needlework from her? Think again! She protected the once and future king on all of his journeys – do you seriously think he would have made it without her? Arwen is another Elf who let herself get fooled by a seemingly strong male, but he was sure lucky to have her at his side, whether directly or from afar.

As to his becoming king, do you think he would have been accepted if that pearl of a nurse, Ioreth, hadn’t told everyone about his healing abilities? He wouldn’t even have known that he could heal if she hadn’t remembered that poem!

And finally our favourite shieldmaiden, Éowyn – the fact that she was no man was the decisive factor in killing the wicked (male, of course!) Witch-King.

By the way, isn’t it interesting that the females are almost exclusively mentioned as belonging to the ‘good’ races? We don’t hear about female Orcs, Wargs, Trolls, Balrogs, fell beasts…

Go figure!

[Rimbaud]

Fools! Jackanapes!

The finest race is that of Ranger-Hobbits. Fleet of foot, so swift in fact that nary an author can capture them on their pages for long. Trotting here, trotting there... Forth the Ranger-Hobbits!

Qualitatively,

~R

[The Barrow-Wight]

By the way, isn’t it interesting that the females are almost exclusively mentioned as belonging to the ‘good’ races? We don’t hear about female Orcs, Wargs, Trolls, Balrogs, fell beasts…

A certain big, ugly spider comes to mind, but I won't do her bragging for her.

[mark12_30]

Originally Posted by Rimbaud

Fools! Jackanapes!

The finest race is that of Ranger-Hobbits. Fleet of foot, so swift in fact that nary an author can capture them on their pages for long. Trotting here, trotting there... Forth the Ranger-Hobbits!

Qualitatively,

~R

You want proof? Here it is-- Trotters go here and there unseen and unheard, wearing WOODEN SHOES. Yep! That's right! They can walk quietly wearing CLOGS. If that's not prowess I don't know what is.

[Lindolirian]

It's Wights by far. This board is a monument to the accomplishments we've made through discussion. Who else determine Legolas' hair color, Bombadil's DNA, and the existence (or lack thereof) Balrog wings? It would seem that (according to popular vote) the best style of Wights are the ones with saucepans hanging on them or the type made up of an entire order of wizards. Pug avatars help quite a bit and little green jewels are a big plus, but I stand by the claim that Hobbit Wights are the very best kind. Especially the really tall ones.

[TPotSS]

Yay, Esty!

You're right. Most of the things that guys did were to impress or protect their ladies. If we weren't around then guys wouldn't do anything.

[Snorri Swifthammer]

One man's craft can put mighty armies to rest, can arouse the passions, can put the most stalwart of guards into a blissful slumber. Who are these craftsmen of skill unsurpassed? The Brewmasters! Yes, these adepts of the vine can work wonders upon the fruits and grains of this Middle Earth.

Not a hobbit birthday party, nor a dwarven feast can be held without the works of these mighty masters of their craft. They can coax a still to great heights, give it some grains and water and it pours forth liquid love.

And in times of war it is the hearty ale of the Dwarven brewmasters the rouse the great armies (and in a pinch it makes for a wonderful explosive.)

(OOC: Wonderful job everyone! Far surpassing any expectations I had. Keep the boasts coming!)

[Formendacil]

Ha!

You all have it wrong! Allow me to present you with the race that is the greatest in Arda:

The Mountains!

The Mountains are the great warriors of middle-earth. They defend Mordor from invasion, ward Eriador from ork attacks, guards goblins and dwarves within their depths, provide shelter to timid dragons. Even the Valar and Morgoth felt safest with Mountains warding their homes. Manwe himself dwells on a Mountain. Iluvatar's temple was a Mountain, the same Mountain that alone survived the destruction of Numenor.

The Mountains have the strongest bones, unbreakable save by catastrophic calamity. The Mountains are wealthy, yielding vast treasures to those who have earned their trust and studies their secrets. They provide safe passage to those they care for, but dump fearful snowstorms on those who they do not. They are unswayed by Sauron, or Saruman, or the Elves.

Who was it that destroyed the One Ring? Not Elves, not Dwarves, not wizards, not Hobbits, not Men, nor Orks, not even Dragons. Rather, it was a Mountain! It was the same mountain that helped make the One Ring. And even though the One Ring caused the destruction of Sauron, the Gwaith-i-Mirdain, and all those concerned with its making, the Mountain stood supreme.