Defective Weapons Inc.

[The Perky Ent]

Well, I think don't think there's a thread like this, so I'll start one. This thread is dedicated to wondering what would happen to people if their weapons didn't work. Enjoy

Witch King: No man can kill me. Die now.

Merry: Die! *sword breaks* D'oh!

Eowyn: *dies*

Gondorians retreating from Osgiliath: Run away!!!

Gandalf: Let there be light! *no light* D'oh! Why did I pick Energizer®?

Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!
*nothing happens*
Shelob: Sucker! Mwa ha ha!

King of the Dead: None but the King of Gondor may command me!

Aragorn: *parry* *Anduril breaks* Thanks a lot Elrond

Orc: I'm going to bleed you!

Sam trying to impale orc: *nothing happens*

Orc: *licks mouth* Yay! A two for one special

Sam: Can't we just work this out?

Orcs: Grond! Grond! Grond!

Trolls: Alley Oop!

*rope supports break* *Grond falls on the ground*

Pink Orc: You...you can fix that...right?

Get the idea. Cool! Have fun

[Saraphim]

lol, perky! Great thread!

Gandalf: You shall not pass! *slams down staff; breaks*
Balrog: Well, lookie there. Who's the weilder of the flame of Anor now?

Frodo: I claim the Ring as my own! *puts on Ring*
*Nothing happens*
Frodo: I said I claimed the Ring as my own! *shakes the ring and puts it back on*
*Still nothing*
Frodo: uh...

[The Perky Ent]

Nice ones Saraphim! Here's another:

Pippin: Let's light the Becons!
*drops fire*
*nothing happens*
Pippin: Why won't it work?
*tries again*
*nothing happens*
Pippin: Um...guys, can you give me a hand here?
Guard: Sorry, that becon doesn't have any wood
Pippin: D'oh! Gandalf's gonna kill me *pulls out his cell phone* Let's see here. Text msg: Steward crazy, world ending, bring help...ps, tell Merry I say hi. To:EDORAS
Gandalf: Did you light the becon?
Pippin:Um...yes (hoping his lie will work)
Gandalf:...ok. Wanna go for a round of whack the steward?
Pippin: I thought you'd never ask!

[elronds_daughter]

lookin' good so far! let's see if i can manage to add something....

Lurtz: *tries to shoot Boromir*
*nothing happens*
Boromir: Are you trying to do something?
Lurtz: *tries again. still nothing* uh...
Boromir: All right, that's it. You've stood there long enough. I'm just going to have to kill you. *tries to cut off Lurtz's head. his sword breaks*
Aragorn: *comes running into a scene that was perfectly good without him* I'LL SAVE YOU, BOROMIR!!!!!!! *trips over a tree root and sprawls face-first on the ground*
*Boromir and Lurtz sigh and walk off, arm in arm, humming "we're off to see the wizard..."*
(after all, there really was nothing to save)

[***Gandalf***]

Wow. This is a really cool thread. How about...

Frodo: For no reason whatsoever, I'm going to put on my ring
Witch King: Die!
*nothing happens*
Frodo: *kicks Nazgul and runs away* Sucker

[Firefoot]

What if...

*Isildur picks up the already broken Narsil*
Isildur: I will have the Ring!
*swings at Sauron - Narsil doesn't cut*
Isildur: What the...?
Sauron: Never!
*Sauron wins the Battle of The Last Alliance.*

Gurthang: Yea, I will drink thy blood gladly, etc.
*Túrin casts himself on his sword - sword turns to jell-o*
Túrin: Hey! Stupid sword.

*The bridge of Khazad-dûm breaks*
*Falling, the Balrog swings his whip at Gandalf, which does nothing.
Gandalf: Haha, not this time!

[Maeggaladiel]

Heh heh! This thread is awesome!

*in Shelob's lair* Frodo: O Elbereth! Gilthoniel! (or whatever it is he says) *Holds up phial. Nothing happens* Wuh oh...
Shelob: Meh heh heh! *eats him*

*Witch King swings giant mace and hits Eowyn. Mace busts.*
Eowyn: Was that supposed to happen?
Witch King: Well, this is not my day.
*Eowyn swings sword. It shatters*
*silence*
Witch King: Soooooo... Rock Paper Scissors?
Eowyn: Loser jumps off a cliff!!

Yeah. I'll shut up now, OK?
~Maeg

[Lady Snickerdoodle]

Lurtz: Stand still while I shoot you, human.
Boromir: Aha! You think you can go uncontested but see what happens when I blow the mighty horn of the kings of yore!
*big breath* *blows into horn* *random bubbles drift out the other end* Ahhm...

Elrond: Take ye this mighty blade of Isildur and with hammer and anvil and flame reforge the sword of kings!
Random elf blacksmith (Will turner?): *bows* I will make it shine as the sun upon the Anduin. *places it reverentially in the forge for the metal to soften*
Elrond: Your name will be sung in the halls of mandos. *leaves*
Blacksmith: *turns around and sees a puddle of molten metal in the forge* Damit, forgot to set the timer... *runs away*

[The Perky Ent]

Yes, if we already have one, please don't copy it, unless of course, it's funnier. But if you are going to do the same thing, try not to stick to the same format. Otherwise, these are looking great!

Feanor: Quick! Kill the Teleri and take their ships!
*nothing happens*
*Teleri surround Noldor*
Feanor: Um...right. What I meant was, can I borrow a couple of ships? I swear I'll bring them back.
*nothing happens*
Feanor: Uh...look over there!
*Teleri look away*
*Feanor gets in boats, about to leave*
Feanor: Suckers!
Teleri: Yeah, you know the boat's still tied up to the dock...right?
*Feanor tries to cut the ropes, sword breaks*
Feanor: I can make the simarils, but you'd think I could at least make a decent sword!
Teleri: Not really
Feanor: Shut up *whimpers*

[Lathriel]

At the Balck Gate

Troll is fighting with Aragorn and he tries to put his massive foot on Aragorn's stomach. Instead he squishes an orc, he tries again but squishes another orc. Five minutes later the trol finally realizes he is killing his own army and Aragorn has already dissapeared in the fray.

[The Perky Ent]

These are looking really good.

Sam: Destory it Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: NO! (BUM BuM BUMMM)
Gollum: I'm telekenetic *bites off finger* Yay! I've got the ring! Now I think I'll hop around and see what I can fall in! *gollum falls and melts*
*ring still floats*
Sam: Um...why didn't it destory?
Frodo:What kinda ring is this?
Sauron: The one ring...TO RULE THEM ALL!!
Sam: I have a plan Mr. Frodo. We'll tie your dead finger to a rope, use it as a lure to go lava fishing. Then, when something eats it, we'll cut it open, and get the ring. Any questions? *looks around for Frodo* Frodo? Oh Frooooodo?
*Frodo is in the lava, melting while getting the ring*
Sam: Oh well, no Undying Lands for you. *Frodo melts* Sam leaves* *Ring just sits there*

[Lady Snickerdoodle]

Eek sorry for repeating earlier I kind of missed the previous one... to make up for it-

(at helm's deep)
Legolas: I'm coming Aragorn! *grabs shield and slides it towards stairs* *jumps onto shield* *shield stops under his weight and Legolas is sent flying down the steps*

'kay, not much dialogue but i find the mental image amusing...