The Barrow Downs Newspaper

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Read all about it, Extra! Local Wight rises from the dead! Time space continuum found dead in shop window! Idiot makes fake newspaper!

I've decided to present the Official* Barrow Downs Newspaper as a topic here. For two reasons:
1) I don't want to fill up the 'Who’s got the best signature' thread with my rubbish. And
2) Now everyone can join in on the fun!

Here is the plan... I'll post the weekly front page and anyone can post an inside story of their choice. It can be any section of a Newspaper; Politics, current affairs, sport, literature; you could even make some puzzles if you want!
Just post your story here! Remember, this is Mirth, so make it funny, or you'll be cast out!
(Note: Only the front page will be posted as a picture, the others can be normal post unless you really want to include pictures).

Oh, and you can write under a pseudonym if you wish. Also, if you wish to write a front page story, contact me by PM with your proposal. If it passes my 'funny' test, then I'll put it on the next front page!

Have fun!

I'll be updating every Monday... hopefuly.

Week 1:



*May not actually be Official

[Glirdan]

Ahhh good idea!

Here's one for an inside page.

Middle Earth Idol Cancelled!?
By Glirdan Tirithedain

The new hit series "Middle Earth Idol" has lately come to a rolling stop. The contestants have song their songs, but the judges are nowhere to be found!? It has been heard that Vala Seacrest has lately taken on the role of moderating another fun game "Werewolf". Our dearly beloved (and always seemingly drunk because she's always too happy) Wilwa Abdul has been missing in action for almost a month. Has she gone to a rehab? Or is she off trying to find a new husband? One of the co-creators of this hit series, Glirdy Jackson, has been heard to have gone on vacation because his brain is on the fritz. The final judge who we all love to hate, Sleepy Cowell, has not been seen around for quite some time. Will this hit new series continue? Or will it turn into a flop like the "The Middle Earth Americain Football Tournament"? Only time, and perhaps a bit of extra cash, will tell.

Note: Any questions about what I have put in here, please feel free to ask me...through PM's of course.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Special Report:

Mount Zoom under threat!
By Hamish McWelshman

The infamous 'Mount Zoom Challenge' came under scrutiny today after a press conference by the creator, a Mr. H Goomba, said, "If the players won't play, then we'll have to close it down."
There was a lot of confusion going on with players dropping in and out, posts being very short and a general lack of interest. A Pit stop was called to give the players a chance to recuperate, finish exams and other such annoyances. However, with the end of the Pit stop, last Saturday, so far none of the players have progressed the game.
If the latest challenge is unattended, then the game will be abandoned. Sauron was quoted in an interview, saying, "I'm furious, obviously. My Mountain of Doom is far superior to the others and I need to prove it to all of Middle Earth!"

So far, none of the players have been available for comment.

[Glirdan]

Missing Persons Bulletin
By Glirdan Tirithedain on behalf of Crystal Heart

Two of the members from a new Shire RPG, Dimutriel and Witch_Queen, have been missing for awhile. If anyone has spotted these two members or has any information about them, please notify the creator of the "Days of Darkness" RPG, Crystal Heart, as soon as possible. There is a reward of a million cookies being rewarded to anybody with information on these two missing members. You are allowed to berate them in anyway (ie. hit them, yell at them, hit them, force feed them cookies and hit them [make sure it's not to hard though. We still need them to post for their charcters after all]). Please notify the authoriy ASAP and thank you for your ghostly support in this matter.

Approved by Crystal Heart - worried game owner

[Hookbill the Goomba]

By Tom Bombadull

Today saw the opening of the infamous Davem's one-man show, "In search of the Legendarium". This emotional journey will bring even the most hardened Wight to tears and will probably change your entire life. The acting is outstanding, the music is unforgettable and the props will literally throw you out of your seats!
If you're in town this week, I highly recommend this!



If that's not your thing, also opening this week is Gil-Gallad's version of Superman, showing at the alternative theatre. However, don't expect any of the action of special effects of the latest films, no. This play includes Gil running around with the cape over his head, speaking muffled lines and performing odd fight scenes. The other actors are fine, the music is good and the lighting is admirable, if he'd take the cape off his head, it would probably be a good show.



Films:

The only big film on the horizon is Hookbill the Goomba's documentary film "Crazy Captions: The Movie" to be re-named 'Crazy Captions: Beneath the cloak' in Gondor. Here, the Goomba looks into the success of the thread and asks the questions everyone wishes he hadn’t.

[Mithalwen]

[QUOTE=Hookbill the Goomba]Today saw the opening of the infamous Davem's one-man show, "In search of the Legendarium". This emotional journey will bring even the most hardened Wight to tears and will probably change your entire life. The acting is outstanding, the music is unforgettable and the props will literally throw you out of your seats!
If you're in town this week, I highly recommend this!

QUOTE]

Or else Davem is just looking for Lalwende who had snuck off to the cinema with Boro ..is this the first item for the "Downer" gossip column?

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Mithalwen

Or else Davem is just looking for Lalwende who had snuck off to the cinema with Boro ..is this the first item for the "Downer" gossip column?

Possible, though not plausible. But hay, this is the newspaper world we're talking about, go wild!

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Phantom and Alien... Episode Two!

[Glirdan]

Middle-Earth Idol Competition Back on it's feet...Somewhat...
By Glirdan Tirithedain

This hit new series has finally gotten off it's back and onto it's feet...well...sort of. It was heard that Glirdy Jackson, one of the co-creators, was heard complaining to the other judges about communication. In an interview, Glirdy had this to say: "We have no communication with each other. Only Cowell and Seacrest seem to know what the challenge is for the next week without consulting the other judges. Yes I know that Cowell is technically the creator and that Seacrest is the host, but Wilwa and myself should still get a vote, should we not?"

Will the judges and host eventually come to an agreement? Or will it be a flop? Only time, and a really good detective, will tell.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

[The Saucepan Man]

Outrageous!

Typical journalistic misreporting.

I was not a frying pan, but actually a kettle. And, rather than being completely deflated, it lost a small amount of air before the puncture was happily repaired.

There is a lesson to be learned here, however. Inflatable kitchenwear is a false economy.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Well, after considering your comments, the Downer newspaper has decided to offer an official apology and give you two tickets to see the Argonath's world tour, beginning tomorrow in Berlin.

Anyway...

Local Wight Buried in Dog Avalanche
By Harold House

After a long night of Crazy Captioning, a local Wight was today buried under a Dog avalanche outside the Dead Inn in the north of the Barrow Downs. Police are still investigating the incident and refusing to allow the dogs to be removed due to a fear of losing evidence. The Wight in question later suffocated.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Sports

Here are this weeks Football / soccer results.

Barrow Downs League

Moderators united – 3
Chest Pains Athletic – 0

Rotten Skin FC – 9
Legless legs – 2

Wethertop Paragraph – 0
Midge water hysterical – 1

Gregory Arithmetic – 2
Hobbiton Inflation – 6

Bywater tentacle Vs Buckland swelling
Match postponed due to orange pitch


Education

The Barrow Downs minister for education announced this week that dead children are to be banned from schools. A survey showed that dead children don't do enough work and distract the other children due to teasing and smells. Head teachers have welcomed the scheme saying that it will reduce classroom sizes and also leave the canteen freer to living people.
Barrow Wights have called the decision 'disgraceful', 'horrible', 'shocking', and 'disgraceful'.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

As with all self-respecting newspapers, The Downer has it's own small comic strip. This one is called 'The Phantom and Alien'.

Enjoy.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

And so the weeks continue.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Lalwendë

Hmm, maybe The 'Downer is an altogether more high-brow read anyway. It's better than Metro anyway.

Only in the sense that it's not full of advertisements



Erm... You may want to ignore that...

[Lalwendë]

Appointments

Think you're funny?

Not afraid to deal with uncloaked wizards?

Slightly satirical?

Then we want YOU!

Crazy Captions Inc. is seeking Humour Representatives to sell funnies to bring amusement to the dullest days of Downers across the world. Hours to suit. Commission paid for every new joke made. Basic £5.50 p.h. OTE £20,000.

"Crazy Captions Inc. is the best employer ever. I would fully recommend working here." - Hookbill, Head of Captions.

***********

[Gil-Galad]

My day with a misunderstood Balrog, and exclusvie interview by Gil-Galad

Gil-Galad: We have here today one Johnny the Stinky Balrog, now mr.balrog, how did you come by this name?

Johnny: well when i was a kid, there was this tar pit near by filled with all these things that fell into it from above, my mommy always told me not to go near but i was hungry... and i fell in...and i basically never got the stench out

GG: terrible, so now you wander around Middle-Earth *looks at paper* helping strangers with their problems and rasing a Penguin army.

JB: ah yes, i mainly travel around now, setting fire to this and eating that guys horse, but i often enjoy sailing

GG: oh really? how does a Balrog sail?

JB:by not telling the crew theres a Balrog onboard! ha ha ha!

GG: Hilaurious, now Mr.Joh-

JB:hey can you get some special effect guy to make a picture of that?

GG: we can try, but now Johnny, about this latest thing, where you burned down a local make-up store because of being turned down by a lady, do you care to explain?

JB: well it wan't one of my proud moments... but she broke my heart and now i'm miserable...er...but thats the past

GG:indeed...do you have any plans for the future?

JB: of course i do and thanks for asking, i will plan on joining a wandering minstrel group and see how that works out...Lovely Spam...

GG: excuse me? did you just say lovely spam?

JB: maybe...maybe...no *eats spider*

GG:woah... now did you just eat that spider?

JB: i have no idea at what your talking about

GG: you just ate that spider!

JB:i did not

GG: i swear i just saw you eat that spider!

JB:i did not, now if you continue this rabling i might as well just leave

GG: your the one rambling! you ate that spider!

JB:i did not... wait... didn't you get killed off or something?

GG:...no now i think thats all the time we have

JB: hey yeah you did get killed off!

GG: hey look an eagle! *runs off*



After report: i never heard from him again, he was an interesting fellow and i would love to do more interviews of certain downers if one Goomba that may or may not have a bill that may or may not be hooked allows me to. Tune into more of my awesomeness and a PM may be coming to you soon!

[Naria]

The Red Planet Approaches Earth!!
by Naria Stargazer


Yes, that's right people! Mars is coming to Earth. Within the month of August Mars will get ever closer to Earth; finally being seen by the naked eye on the night of August 27th, 2006. This will NOT happen again for another 60,000 years...so grab your friends and family and be a witness to this awesome spectacle.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Letters to the Editor...

These were not made up... much...

Dear sir,

I want to thank you for doing such an excellent job on this publication. I enjoy all aspects of it and the £1.20 price tag is incredibly modest.
Please keep up the good work!

Mrs. J. Jekkaalg

Dear Mrs. Jekkaalg,

Thank you for your letter regarding The Downer. You will receive a packet of floss.

The price tag was a popular subject this week...

Dear sir,

I think the £1.20 price tag is very good value! No other 1,000 page newspaper can boast as much as The Downer.

Mr. H. Haych.

Dear Mr. Haych,

Thank you for you comments. You will receive two balls of glue.

And again, the price was the subject of the next letter...

Dear sir,

I think the price of £1.20 is far too low! I would gladly sell my house and all my possessions to help The Downer.

Mr. Jeremy Mister

Dear Mr. Mister,

Thank you for your input. You get a table made of cheese.

But the letters weren’t all full of praise.

Dear sir,

I think The Downer is a load of old dwarf droppings!

Mr. Notthebarrowwighthonest

Dear Mr. Notthebarrowwighthonest,

I think you're a load of old Dwarf Droppings.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Wow!

Originally Posted by Gil-Galad

i told you i found that Rhino in my basement!

You know how the media always over blows these things.

Oh, lest I forget. The latest adventures of The Phantom and Alien.

[Glirdan]

Interview with Survivor Hosts
By George Kidney

The hit series Survivor has lately come to a stop. What happened to the All Star Survivor that was supposed to happen? I was able to catch up with all of the previous hosts (with the exception of Anguirel who seemed to be sick with something called the Mublewumps) to get their thoughts.

Formendacil
Well, Mr. Reporter, I think it's game fatigue- too many games going on! 2005 was definitely the year of the Game, and the 2005-06 School Year was as well, but I think that game fatigue is catching up to the 'Downs in general.

It's also my considered opinion that a lack of a Moderator has meant a lot of problems. Either the Board Commitee is being too picky in selecting its new Moderator, or else the lack of candidates is appalling. What is needed is someone willing to step forward and bite the bullet.

If someone were to do that, we'd have a good game going, I think. Probably a smaller one- not like the heady days of the original, Boromir88 Survivor, but fun and well worth it. The unique thing about Survivor is that it requires pretty no commitment or brains from anybody- except the Moderator.

However, without a Moderator, I fear this series shall be lost to history.

Diamond18
Um, well, don't ask me these kinds of questions, I don't know what's going around here half the time. "Here" meaning the world in general. Tonight I couldn't decide whether a person with the first and middle names of Alex Lawrence was a boy or a girl.

However, I'm sure that if All Star Survivor ever actually happens Chrysophylax could beat Smaug because Smaug is stupid.

The Original game founder, and President of Survivor, Boromir88, was asked why the new All-Star Survivor has not yet started. Rumors have been swirling around about Boromir88's financial interests in the show. Reports have been swirling around that Boromir88 has bought the Chest Pains Athletics team in the Barrow-Downs league for 460 million dollars and he may be pulling out his financial backing to the Survivor show. When we asked Boromir88 about these reports, he responded 'I don't know where you are getting your information pal, but you're wrong.' He declined to answer any further questions....'

Glirdan
Well, perhaps it's just a slump. There has been game after game after game. I think that people are just wanting to take break from all the insanity of running and playing in a game. Having modded two Werewolf games and the Hobbit Survivor, I know exactly how they feel.

I also feel that the RPG's and other forums seem to be getting more attention as of late. Perhaps it's just that all the Mirthy threads are starting to loose their appeal?

The lack of a Moderator quite frightens me. Is the Comittee Board on strike? Or is that the candidates are absolutely horrendous? I have no idea. But I would really like to see this All Star Game happen. After all, it was my original idea.

Please note that all interviews are not made up by me. They are word for word interviews with these moderators.

Will this final chapter in the Survivor series happen? Or will Glirdan's dream be a complete wash out? If you're interested in Moderating this All Star game, pleas let any of the previous moderators know and they'll set up an interview.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

This week, things are slightly different...

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The return of everyone's favourite comedy double act!

[Mithalwen]

Davem looks like he has a role in "The Full Monty"

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Once again, Central Russia's two hundredth favourite comedy duo...



Also...

Local dentists swell.
By Sid Marat

It has come to the attention of the Downer that the sheer size of its local dentists is becoming a strain on the BHS (Barrow Health Service). Reinforced flooring as well as wider doors have already cost the Barrow Wight nigh on 14,000 Gold coins in the last few years. The BW told reports that "This" situation was "Not" going to go on "For" much longer and that "We" should not worry about it.
Despite the BW's words, other moderators have expressed concern about the current situation, saying 'It won't be long now'. No one quite knows what they are referring to, but we are assured that it is good.

Heavy colours in their food, which is provided by the local fish and chip shop, caused the swelling dentists. The novelty of eating blue chips has obviously had a rather bad effect. At the Barrow Wight's question time on Thursday evening, it is expected that many opposition MDs (Members of the Downs) will be heavily critical of the amount of funding being poured into the BHS and the very little that is coming out. The BW argues that the larger dentists mean less patients. All remains to be seen.

[Glirdan]

Weekly Interview with Middle-Earth Idol Eviction: SpM
By Glirdan Tirithedain


I was unable to get a word with the actual evictee. However, I was able to get the following statment from his agent, GT Greay and Associates:

Mr SP Man is sorry not to have made it to the final stages of the competition, but was not entirely shocked given the strong competition. In many ways, he is relieved, since it had freed him up to pursue his career in earnest.

He has enjoyed his time in the competition immensely and feels that he has learned much, particularly from the judges. Despite Sleepy Cowell's "Mr Nasty" persona, Mr Man recognises the sense in much of what he says and hope to be able to work with him again in the future. He was also boosted throughout the competition by the infectious enthusiasm of Glirdy Jackson and the kindly encouragement of Wilwa Abdul.

Mr Man's highlight of the competiton remains The Only Real Estel's rib-tickling and rip-roaring rendition of The Pie or the Cider. He considers that all of the remaining contestants have great talent but will be rooting for Mithalwen, whose contributions he considers to have been consistently top-notch.

Mr Man hopes to pursue his dream of bringing kitchenwear-based syncopation into the mainstream and will shortly be releasing his first album, Sauce for the Goose.

Mr Man may be contacted through his agent, GT Grey & Associates, Agent to the Istars.

Stay tuned next week to see my interview with the next evictee.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

i'm stil lwaiting for my guest spot in it...

Here you go, Gil. A special tile just for thee.

[Thinlómien]

Though really the text below should say "Spawn, Thinlómien and Rune" in that order to avoid confusion.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

Originally Posted by Thinlómien

Though really the text below should say "Spawn, Thinlómien and Rune" in that order to avoid confusion.

Yeah I noticed that. . .

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Originally Posted by Thinlómien

Though really the text below should say "Spawn, Thinlómien and Rune" in that order to avoid confusion.

Yes it should. Sorry about that, folks.

If anyone else would like an article of their own on the front page, just P-M me with it and I'll see what I can do. Please note, I like to have a few weeks done in advance, so it may take a while for it to go up. (Rune wrote his about 4 weeks ago).

Anyway… Here is a little puzzle for the Children… Help old Sauron find what he most truly desires in his heart…

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Sorry for double post...



Also, in the words of Oscar Wild:
"There are three types of lies; Lies, Damn lies and made up Oscar Wild quotes."
Without further ado... Sauron's one-hundredth favourite comedy duo...

[Lalwendë]

Originally Posted by Hookbill the Goomba

Anyway… Here is a little puzzle for the Children… Help old Sauron find what he most truly desires in his heart…

That puzzle's just taken me back to when I was about eight years old and they had those things on the back of Shreddies packets and my dad used to plonk it on the breakfast table to distract me and shut me up when I was pestering him with questions like "Why does the Sun only go one way aorund the sky?" or "Why doesn't rain ever go upwards?". The puzzles kept me quiet for hours but I sometimes blame my short sight on them.

[Rune Son of Bjarne]

well Nilp, Denmark is not on the Scandinavian peninsula either. . . (not anymore anyway)

Denmark, Norway and Sweden are what is normaly considerd Scandinavian, but sometimes Finland, Iceland and the Faeroe Islands are included.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

+ = DOOM!

Has anyone else noticed how suspiciously similar to Meneltarmacil's avatar Alien is?

Maybe they know each other... let's find out...

[Meneltarmacil]

I had actually noticed that before. Nice!

(I wonder who's going to guest-star next...)

[Glirdan]

Recent Evictee of Middle-Earth Idol
By Glirdan Tirithedain

I was able to catch up with Middl-Earth Idol's recent evictee, Celuien. Here's what she had to say.

Originally Posted by Glirdan
Well, here are you're questions for the interview.

G - Excuse me! Celuien? Could I have a word?

C - Yes, yes you may.

G - Thank you. How was your experience on Middle-Earth Idol?

C - Quite confusing, since I participated along with a mysteriously appearing anakronism from Mordor who also posted under my name. I never knew which one of us was around until she disappeared a few weeks ago. Plus, I never expected to make it past round one. Neither Panakeia nor I have an extensive knowledge of non-classical music. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

G - What do you think of the judge's?

C - Great job! The judges were fair and helpful, though Mr. Cowell's constant Karaoke references grew trying after a while.

G - What do you think of the competition?

C - Very fun, and very intense. All of the competitors have been wonderful and shown great ability in all of the rounds. It was great to sing with them!

G - Who do you think is going to win the competition?

C - Anyone of the remaining contestants could easily take the title, but I think LMP might pull off the win.

G - Are you going to continue with your singing after this?

C - Only for an audience of skwerlz.

G - Thank you for your time.

C - No problem.

Stay tuned next week as I manage to catch up with the next judge (me!) and evictee.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Please note: When I made this (about three weeks ago), I had no idea it would be going out on September 11th. So, there was no intention there. It is a pure co-incidence. I had a little crisis of conscience this morning, wondering weather to post this. I've decided to go ahead.

Without further Ado, here is everyone’s 912th favourite comedy duo:

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Thanks for bringing this to our attention, Goth-o.

The Downer wishes to reassure it's readers that these claims are as false as the stories in our Paper.

Hope that clears things up for you all.

Anyway...

Culture Section:

Films...

The Best film you can expect to see this week is defiantly 'A Genuine Fairy Story' from the Director of such classics as; 'The Yule Log', 'Shadow of the West', and the controversial 'Power to the People'. Here the infamous Lalwende and the rest of the crew are caught up in a whirlwind of adventure and discovery. Wild fantasy mixed with in-depth intellectual debate. A great film all round.



Plays:

The only play making a stir at the moment is Mithalwen's Flying Circus. It had been called inappropriate due to the fact that several members of the audience have mysteriously disappeared under mysterious circumstances that have caused mystery to surround the mysterious play.

[Lalwendë]

Ha-wey! Glad to see me mad ruminations on Faerie have inspired some Art. I blame those pixies I let into the house. I get the feeling this is not a Blockbuster of the Bruce-Willis-In-Sweaty-Eyuw-Vest type, more of an Ingmar Bergman where when you've watched it you go "Eh?" and have to have a lie down for a bit.

Stop the press! Mithalwen's Flying Circus are in the process of making a new film which might stir up some controversy and attract X certificate ratings (and maybe even those little Red triangles you used to get on naughty Channel 4 films in the 80s, which were a good indicator of a quality watch to any home alone teenager). The new film will be The Life of Davem, featuring such funny and infinitely quotable lines as "He's not the messiah, he's a vewy naughty boy!" and the future hit song "Always Look On The Bright Side of Death". This will be followed up with another Hit Film with the working title "And Now For Something Not Entirely Different".