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#1 | |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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This is the first draft of the chapter The War of the Ring.
This chapter is a thoroughly mixed bag of sources, and so there is no base text. Because of this, I have marked every instance of any text used, so as to be easy to follow. The markings are: FY-HL-xx for all the headlines for the Fading Years. WR-SL-xx for all expansions and changes to the narrative. Some conventions of my writing: Bold Text = source information, comments and remarks {example} = text that should be deleted [example] = normalized text, normally only used for general changes, as well as changes which are a part of replacement that is not grammatical. Underlined Text = text changed for grammatical reasons in the process of combining and inserting and removing. <source example> = additions with source information ...... = This section of the paragraph is unchanged from the source. Quote:
WR-SL-01: We continue where we left off in the Synopsis, with some slight editing to make it flow as a narrative. At the end of this section we have the statement that the War of the Ring is officially begun. FY-HL-21: Here we have the Darkness descended, and so the Ring is literally in the Shadow. Therefore I think this is the best place to use this heading. We do not strictly need it, so it can be removed if it feels unnecessary. WR-SL-02: We pick back up with the Synopsis. WR-SL-03: I put a marker here, but this is still the Synopsis, but this part of it needed some heavy editing to flow as a narrative. I am not sure I did it the best way possible, so if anyone has any suggestions on how to turn it into a narrative better, I would love to hear them. WR-SL-04: This marks the removal of the last sentences of the Synopsis, which deal with setting up Return of the King. WR-SL-05: Here we switch to the text of the Milton Waldman letter, since there is no other summary of the events of Return of the King. WR-SL-06: This marker can serve as the mark for the heavy editing done to this section to make it flow as a narrative in the past tense by a remote observer. WR-SL-07: This addition comes from the much expanded summary of the War of the Ring which was given in an earlier draft of The Tale of Aragorn and Arwen in HoME 12. Before Fin suggested the Synopsis and the Waldman letter, I had used that summary for the whole thing, but I still think this paragraph contains a large portion of information not given elsewhere, so I think we should use it. WR-SL-08: Here we return to the letter, removing the portion which was replaced by the Aragorn and Arwen summary insert. WR-SL-09: This marker serves to denote the editing for this section. WR-SL-10: Here we give some relevant details from Of the Rings of Power. WR-SL-11: We return to the Waldman letter, making edits as needed. WR-SL-12: I removed this line since in our drafts, this fact of the Eagles arriving at the Battle of Five Armies is not mentioned, so I do not think we should include this reference here. WR-SL-13: Removing commentary by Tolkien. WR-SL-14: We did not mention Gandalf's foretelling in our draft, so I think we should remove this phrase. WR-SL-15: Removing some commentary. WR-SL-16: Here we add in some relevant details from Of the Rings of Power. WR-SL-17: We return to the Waldman letter for the conclusion to the journey of Frodo. WR-SL-18: Here we move to the Tale of Aragorn and Arwen in Appendix A to continue the narrative, where we have the crowning of Aragorn and his wedding to Arwen. WR-SL-19: Here we have the detail from The Stewards in Appendix A that the Stewards ended at this time. WR-SL-20: Here we give the relevant details from Of the Rings of Power, removing the bit about the crowning for its redundancy. WR-SL-21: This part of the framing device for The Quest for Erebor was lost from our version since we put it in the main story, but I think it is worth including, since it shows Gandalf reflecting on his origin in Valinor, and is a rare and interesting glimpse into him as an incarnate Ainu. I edited it lightly to remove the first person of Frodo's writing. WR-SL-22: Here we switch to Appendix B to relate the events happening elsewhere in the world during the War of the Ring. WR-SL-23: With this last addition from Galadriel and Celeborn Appendix A, the full account of the evolution of the Silvan language is complete. WR-SL-24: This piece of Durin's Folk is a nice addition, and I think is worth including in this spot. WR-SL-25: This is the bit of Appendix A that was supposed to relate the recolonizing of Moria, but was inexplicably left out of the published Appendix. I have restored it here. WR-SL-26: Here we relate the fame of Gimli and Legolas and their deeds after the war, which I think fit best here while we are talking about Erebor and Mirkwood. WR-SL-27: Here we return to the Waldman letter for the account of the Scouring of the Shire, given nowhere else, with which we close out the chapter. I have only edited it lightly to make it narratively coherent. Phew! That was one of the difficult chapters to make smoothly, and this version represents many many drafts revised over time. I'm sure it has many problems, but overall I think it manages to relate the end of the entire saga quite well. |
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#2 | ||
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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FY-HL-21: In the way the events are arranged here, I would not use this title at all. Where does this sub-chapter end?
We could consider to arrange the story differently and start with telling about the War first and then leave Aragorn, Peregrin & co. at the Morannon, while recounting Frodo’s journey from Emil Muil to the destruction of the Ring and the flight to the isle in the lava under this sub-title. But I wood not do so and simply leave the sub title out. WR-SL-06: Why do we change from ‘meet’ to ‘greeted’ and not to ‘met’? WR-SL-09: Is it Aragorn alone, who initiated the attack on Mordor? I don’t think so: Quote:
WR-SL-12: I would edit this a bit differently: Quote:
For a time I thougth,that this might be put in earlier, but after reading the full chapter I agree with the placement. Congratulations, very nicely edited! Respectfully Findegil |
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#3 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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FY-HL-21: Agreed, it is superfluous, so we can leave it out.
WR-SL-06: I did this because Gandalf has known Denethor for a long time, so he would not be said to 'meet' him for the first time, but we can change it to 'met' if you prefer, I do not feel strongly either way. WR-SL-09: Agreed. WR-SL-12/14: Very well, we can keep it. WR-SL-15: Agreed to this change. WR-SL-22: I will fix these. Compared to the last chapters, this was very painless! Last edited by ArcusCalion; 07-21-2018 at 06:08 PM. |
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#4 | |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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I think that the passage from Appendix A concerning Théoden is best used in this chapter:
Quote:
Findegil |
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#5 |
Quentingolmo
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
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Agreed, but I am assuming you meant to remove the last two sentences of 05.3, since you repeat them right after.
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#6 |
King's Writer
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,715
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Oops, yes of course the insert WR-SL-05.3 should have been ended with ‘…and in the last year of his life arose and led his men to victory at the Hornburg, and soon after to the Fields of Pelennor, the greatest battle of the Age.’ Thanks for catching this mistake.
Respectfully Findegil |
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