The F.A.Q.E.

[Bergil]

This is where you give humorous, inaccurate answers to Tolkien-related questions. No rule against doing a question someone else has already done. I'll start.

Q:what is the Lord of the Rings
A:The title adopted by Sauron the Maia when he invented the Cellphone. I think someone wrote a book about him.

Q;who's this Tolkien I keep hearing about? didn't Peter Jackson write the film?
A:Yes, but a lot of the good ideas came from J.R.R. Tolkien, a scriptwriter who was fired for writing too many scenes, and so making the films too long.

Q:who is Tom Bombadil
A:"Doc" Emmet Brown

Q: Do balrogs have wings?
A:Yes, but they're like buffalo wings.

That sort of thing.

[Valesse]

Q: What/Who are the 'Rohirrim'
A: 'Rohirrim' is the sound that someone from Rohan makes when they clear their throat.

Q: Did Legolas have siblings? (omg lolzor, and other chat speak)
A: Yes. Mary Sue, Gary Stu, and Conan.

[arcticstorm]

Q. What shape are elven ears
A. While all elven ears are leaf shaped it is a little known fact that the type of leaf they are shaped like depends on which elven kindred they belong to
The Noldor have Maple leaf ears
The Teleri have oak leaf ears
The Avari have redbud ears
orcs have poison ivy ears.

[The Elf-warrior]

Q: Who was Denethor?
A: Middle-earth's most famous charcoal maker.

Q: How was Legolas able to keep his hair in order?
A: Because Aragorn made Pippin Legolas's slave after he caught him rummaging through his loveletters from Arwen.

Q: Why didn't the sons of Feanor forget their oath and save Middle-earth a lot of trouble?
A: Because they bet big money that they would get the Silmarils back.

Q: Why didn't the Eagles take the Ring and destroy it?
A: Because they were on strike.

Q: Why did both the Barrow-wight and the Witch-King at the battle of Pellenor Fields have visible eyes?
A: Because the Barrow-wight made the Witch-King moderater of the Ego forum.

[Morai]

Nice ideas so far, hope mine measure up:

Q: What are the Barrowdowns?
A: A resort that people visit to get depressed.

Q: Who rescued Frodo from the Black Riders and brought him to Rivendell?
A: Arwen (Glorfindel only claimed he did when drunk) did with her personal taxi cab service.

[Maeggaladiel]

Q) Why are hobbits so short?
A) So they can fit through the doors of their hobbit-holes.

Q) Why don't hobbits wear shoes?
A) They like the squishy feeling they get when mud gets between their toes.

Q) How come Arwen and Elrond are brunettes but the other elves are blondes?
A) Pfft. Everyone knows that Legolas and Galadriel totally bleach.

Q) Why does Gandalf come back from the dead?
A) He wanted more screen-time than Boromir.

Q) Why do dwarves and elves hate each other?
A) There was a horrible hair-bleaching accident... We don't like talking about it.

Q) Who was that tall blonde dude who stands next to Galadriel in the first movie?
A) Her hair stylist.

[Mithalwen]

Q What is the Gap of Rohan

A The flagship store in Middle Earth of the well known chain. The extensive range of desirable stock was the true reason that Gandalf was reluctant to pass through on the journey south. He knew that they would never get Legolas out of the place. It is also the reason for the Lorian elves somewhat circuitous route home after the wedding of Aragorn and Arwen. Galadriel wanted a new wardrobe for her forthcoming cruise.

[Fordim Hedgethistle]

Q: Do balrogs have wings?
A: No.

Or, even funnier, and certainly more inaccurate...

Q: Do balrogs have wings?
A: Yes, but they don't work.

Q: What shape are Elves' ears?
A: Pointy.

Q: Is Eru God?
A: No.

Q: Was Legolas Blond?
A: Yes.

Q: What do wargs look like?
A: Lemmings.

Q: What really happened at the Cracks of Mount Doom?
A: Gollum just slipped, purely by accident.

Q: Was Celebrian raped?
A: No.

Q: Did Arwen and Aragorn have sex before marriage?
A: No.

Q: Do orcs have belly-buttons?
A: Yes.

[The Elf-warrior]

Q: Where did Tolkien spend his childhood?

A: He was born in South Africa, but when he was 7 he joined with Cecil Rhodes in prospecting for diamonds. During the night, he awoke to discover he had an elephant in his pajamas. He shot it, but he couldn't dislodge the tusks. He ran home to mom, who traveled to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to see a specialist in tusk removal. This incident caused in him a life long fear of elephants, and this was reflected in the Lord of the Rings and its negative portrayals of Oliphaunts. Then he and his family moved to Birmingham, Alabama, where his father was an exterminator. Tolkien developed a lifelong loathing of spiders because of his father's stories about the gigantic spiders he battled every month.

Q: When did Tolkien ever come to England?

A: When Tolkien was 10, he tried to befriend a wolf with disastrous results. After Tolkien came home from the hospital, his parents moved to Oxford.

Q: What were Tolkien's political and religious beliefs?

A: They were all over the map. He was a Catholic, a Buddhist, a non-denominational Protestant, a Theosophist, a Wiccan, a Neo-Platonist, an Odinist, a Gnostic, an Animist, and a Moravian at various times. As to politics, he was at times a paleoconservative, a neoconservative, an enviromentalist, an anarcho-capitalist, a hippy, a neo-Nazi, a Tory and a Wig.

Q: How did Edith die?

A: She died in a freak vacuum cleaner accident.

Q: Is Lord of the Rings an allegory?

A: Yes, it's an allegory of the dearth of good ham sandwiches after WW 1.

Q: How did Tolkien die?

A: His lifelong fear of elephants was fulfilled. While he was at the Oxford zoo, an elephant broke out of its cage and trampled him to death while he was watching chatting sqwerls.

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

Due to popular total absence of interest, I've prevailed upon myself to compose further additions to this vital tool of scholarship.

Q: Why 'Middle-earth'?

A: In Magdalen College (actually pronounced Muslin Collage), the Senior Common Room and Junior Common Room lie on opposite sides of the main building. C.S. Lewis' rooms, being placed directly between them, constituted a 'middle hearth' (all these rooms were heated by fireplaces). Being a family man, Tolkien quickly came to regard the bachelor's study as a fairy-tale wonderland, in which knocking out one's pipe on the furniture, drinking dangerous amounts of crusted port and belching names from Norse literature were permissible. Lewis' marriage therefore constituted a threat to this escape route, which is why his wife became the model for Sauron.

Q: On which academic subjects did Tolkien publish?

A: His scholarly works include A Post-Structuralist Analysis of Sino-Japanese Military Law 1804-1912 (1924), The Existentialism of Beatrix Potter (1931), Geoffrey of Monmouth: Pioneer of Historical Realism (1942) and Arthur's Economic Policy: a Numismatic Reconsideration (1949). He was also one of the contributors to Eustacia Psmyth's pioneering work: Demn'd Elusive: Baroness Orczy and the Theology of the Early Orthodox Church (1951). Much of this work was so ground-breaking that scholarship has yet to catch up with it.

Q: What was the TCBS?

A: These initials stand for 'Tripe Crumble, Beans and Sprouts'. This was Tolkien's favourite item on the menu of R.N. Dill's Cafe, Birmingham. While still a boy, he formed a secret society based on the appreciation of this unusual delicacy.