Found an essay today...

[Elianna]

There was a paper lying on the floor in my study hall at school, and longing for an excuse not to do my Calculus, I picked it up. It turned out to be an essay about The Hobbit. It filled up the rest of the period for me quite nicely because it was so entertaining...to edit. With my red pen corrections, the paper looked bloodier than Túrin's sword by the end of the period. I thought I'd share it with you people here.

One book I've read that "transported" me to distant lands was The Hobbit. This book was written by J. R. Tolkien. He has written many other books including the trilogy, The Lord of the Rings. All four of these books are located in the same world, just in different lifetimes. The Hobbit and the other books are located in a place called Middle Earth. This is a world where elves, wizards, orcs, and other majestic creatures. The Hobbit is about a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins that befriends a wizard and several dwarfs. They all go on a big adventure together to kill a dragon named Smaug. This is a book that portrays good vs. evil in a different kind of fashion.
This book brings the reader to a new level of fantasy. While reading, one can picture every action of any creatures in this great world. Middle Earth can be seen as a "dark age" kind of era. It is where everything is dark and troubling. This world seems so real while one is engaged in reading this story. Bilbo, Gandalf, and the dwarfs are seen as the heroes of the story while they fight all sorts of creatures on their adventure. They fight orcs, wolfs, and trolls throughout the story. Though Smaug is the main enemy in this story, Sauron develops to be the true enemy. In Tolkien's later trilogy, Bilbo becomse older and his nephew, Frodo, becomes the main character and the ultimate hero who defeats Sauron in the end. This book was brought to life more by the introduction of the trilogy. This gave the reader to live and read on further.
This book has many lessons to be learnt from it. Life is short and one must life while alive. Bilbo befriends many charaters that are different than him. Friendship is a good theme expressed by Tolkien. In this book, good prevails over evil. Though it was expected, it is still an inspiration to all readers everywhere looking for a good story.

Isn't that interesting?

The most discussable point I take from this is how elsewhere on the paper, the author said that that first sentence is the thesis, but the rest of the essay hardly touches on that idea. I can pick out four sentences that talk about "transporting" the reader to Middle-earth.

If I were to talk about how I'm transported into The Hobbit or LotR, I would talk about Tolkien's writing style: of much amazing detail and the depth of the world of Middle-earth. Where else can you get the description of Elrond as "as fair and as noble in face as an elf-lord, as strong as a warrior, as wise as a wizard, as venerable as a king of dwarves, and as kind as summer"? And the unique and gorgeous descriptions of Rivendell ("It smells like Elves."), and of the Shire? The Necromancer and Moria, and Durin, and the Deep-Elves, the Light-Elves, the Sea-Elves, and the Wood-Elves, all these gives such depth of history to the children's book. That's what I would talk about if I were asked to describe a book which I drawn into.

My mom made the point that perhaps the essay was written by a boy and that it was the difference in gender which leads to the difference in our subject matter. She suggested that to a boy, the plot (which is what the essay's focus was) would be the thing which draws you in, all the adventure and excitement, whereas, to me, a girl (and a linguist), the history and languages are what captivate me. What do you guys think about that view?

Another thing is the supposed theme: "Life is short and one must life while alive." I don't quite get that theme from The Hobbit. Perhaps what the author is talking about is that Tookish strand which grew in Bilbo over the course of the adventure. I've always thought of that not as a "live your life to the fullest" kind of thing, but as a harping on the importance of bravery.

Do you guys have any more critiques for the essay?


P.S. I realize I posted this without the permission of the writer, but it was abandoned on the floor more than a month after it was written (according to the date on the paper). I have also been carefull to omit the author's name. I think these clean me of any blame of author's rights violation. If not, then feel free to ghost this topic, my dear moderators.

[Encaitare]

"Life is short and one must life while alive."

I do see where the person is coming from, even if he didn't explain it that well. Bilbo secretly wouldn't mind a little adventure, even if he has to be forced into the situation.

She suggested that to a boy, the plot (which is what the essay's focus was) would be the thing which draws you in, all the adventure and excitement, whereas, to me, a girl (and a linguist), the history and languages are what captivate me. What do you guys think about that view?

I believe that the male Downers would vehemently disagree with that, as great as the plot is. I think (from personal experience; I suppose it's different for everyone) that the plot of a story is often what draws you in first, and then you appreciate the depth more as you reread. I wonder how many times the writer of the essay read the Hobbit and LotR.

[Shelob]

I can't help it, my teacher trained me well, but whenever I get a chance to edit something I will--and I always do the first thing our teacher taught us: Eliminate 'to be' verbs! This being the case I hope you don't mind that I went over the essay and, keeping the same ideas as much as possible eliminated 'to be's. The Result is as follows:

~
Reading 'The Hobbit', one of many novels by the author J.R.R. Tolkien, I found myself transported to distant lands. THis books, along with the following tilogy 'The Lord of the Rings', depict the world of Middle Earth. Unlike our mundane world Elves, Wizards, Dragons, Dwarves and of course Hobbits all inhabit and co-exist in this fantastic land.'The Hobbit' itself tells the story of Bilbo Baggins, "Expert Treasure-hunter", as he journeys with the Wizard Gandalf and the Dwarves of Thorin and Co. to reclaim the treasure and mountain taken by "a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm called Smaug". Beyond simply transporting its reader and giving them a good story this novel, as well as those following it, portrays the ever-going dilema of good versus evil in a myriad of interesting ways.

Tolkien does not, as so many do, relate to his reader the common fantasy story, instead he elevats his writing, and therefore his readers, into a fantasy world of more depth and reality than, sometimes, the real world. No detail or action remains unmentioned so that readers often find they can picture the characters as clearly as their closest kin. In 'The Hobbit'the reader catches glimpses of a land where dark and trouble brew, but while Smaug serves sufficiently for an enemy here the true 'dark ages' of Middle Earth come in the following tilogy. Bilbo does not feature as a main character in this tilogy but because of one of his adventures from 'The Hobbit' one Frodo Baggins, Bilbo's nephew, must take up the fate of Middle Earth and face the Dark Lord Sauron. While a formidable story on its own the Lord of The Rings tilogy also seves to give further life to the beloved lands and characters of 'The Hobbit'.

While one can enjoy this novel simply at the level of 'good story' it also imparts upon its reader many important lessons. Firstly it teaches that one must live while one has the chance for life does not last forever. Secondly it demonstrates the importance of Friendship and the need to accept others no matter how much they differ from you. Thirdly, and while this does not qualify on its own as a lesson, 'The Hobbit' gives its readers hope and the motivation, hopefully, to try and change the world by showing that yes, Good does triumph over Evil. Truely, this novel inspires on many levels and continues as a well loved classic not only for it's magic and fantasy but also for its relevance and connection to everyday life.
~

Beyond that I agree with you Elianna, if the first sentence gives us the thesis the rest of the essay does a poor job supporting it. Regardless of if the author saw the imagery/power of the words or the plot as the main transporting device their arguments lack strength and orginization. To speak of orginization, their entire essay lacked this asset most noticably.

As to the phrase " Life is short and one must life while alive.". Firstly it doesn't even make sense, 'one must life while alive'? But secondly, and more importantly, since the author spoke of 'The Lord of the Rings' as well I figure this statement stemed more from those novels than from The Hobbit itself. This second theory draws support also from the fact that when speaking of how 'The Hobbit' demonstrats the battle of Good v. Evil the author used the example of Sauron who appears in 'The Hobbit' only as 'the Necromancer'.

[Tinuviel of Denton]

Did this essay have a grade on it, by any chance?

Sorry, had to ask.

Probably the part that I would correct--aside from the points already mentioned, of course--is their spelling (and grammar). Unless Elianna's suddenly sprouting typos in her relation of the essay (and none that I noticed in her post), the writer seems to think that the Naugrim are called 'dwarfs' instead of 'dwarves'... Wasn't Tolkien rather annoyed when his editors made that 'correction' to his text?

This is a world where elves, wizards, orcs, and other majestic creatures.

Aside from the fact that I wasn't aware Orcs were majestic, this is a nasty little fragment. It's not even the sort of fragment that people use to add emphasis. Like this one. It's one of those points where the sentence just cuts off and doesn't finish.

I actually came away from the entire essay with that impression. The author sounds like s/he was in a hurry...

As for the guy suggestion... Tolkien himself was a man. I somehow think that that argument doesn't really hold much water...

[Mithalwen]

There is evidence for girls being generally more tuned into language - they tend to pick it up quicker than boys whose motor skills develop a bit quicker.

I did languages at university and women outnumbered men about 10 to 1 - however rather sickenly the guys tended to get the firsts... the proportion may be slightly distorted by the fact that my generation of girls were not particularly encouraged to do science. More recently, when I was teaching I learnt that there is a tendancy for girls to show early promise in languages but the boys (with encouragement ) catch them up in the second year. However by this point the groups are often streamed on Y1 results so the top group is full of girls and thenext one down has a clump of bright boys bright boys who you cannot believe re in the second group. This is the reason that some co-ed schools teach languages in single sex groups inthe early years.

[tar-ancalime]

Just wanted to jump in and note that this thread strikes me as being a little mean-spirited. It's not as though the essay writer asked for any editing help, or even waved his/her creation in anyone's face as some kind of gauntlet. What concern is it of ours, really, if not everyone is an accomplished writer? Isn't that what this person's teacher is (ideally) supposed to address? And after all, this essay was abandoned on the floor of the study hall--perhaps it was some kind of rejected first draft? I know that I, for one, would be mortified if I found out that people were mocking me for things I don't happen to be good at.