Hitchhiker's Guide to Middlearth

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Anybody ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? I was thinking, why hasn't anyone written up an amateur version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to Middlearth? Such entries to it would include:

the Shire: Great place for hitchhikers who love smoking, feasting, drinking, and general merriment. Run by a bunch of tiny little guys with hairy feet and big ears. Warning: Don't wear a pointy hat, or you'll instantly be labelled as a tourist, and what's more, a disturber of the peace. See also Hobbit, Baggins, Brandybuck, Gamgee, Took, and Pipe-Weed.

Or how about:

Balrog: Very grumpy sort of creature that lives underground, specifically in the Moria Caves. You'll probably want to wet your ever-helpful towel and cover your face with it, so that the fumes coming off of its fiery body. The best way to kill a Balrog is to throw it off of a cliff, stab it, drown it, chase it, and then stab it again. You'll turn white and be revered by your fellow hitchhikers if you ever accomplish a task such as this. See also Moria, Gandalf, Udun, and Balin.

[Eowyn Wenhamir]

Gasp! I love HHGTTG.

Minas Tirith Home of the most powerful Men on Middlearth, the Gondorians. Ruled by many people, the most famous of which is Aragorn "Elessar" "Wingfoot" "Strider" "Longshanks" of the Dunedain, heir of Isildur. Location of the famous "flying flame leap" of Denethor. If you climb up to the Halls of the Kings, you can see into Mordor, and there's a real nice view of the smoking ruins of Osgiliath. Bring a camera and be careful to watch out for flying Nazgul.

[Mithalwen]

surely editing would have reduced the Shire entry to "Harmless"? Revised to "mostly harmless" in the 4th Age edition....

[Encaitare]

Sauron: A cruel and heartless individual who is to be avoided at all costs. We warn you: even your towel will be small protection from the ghastly terrain of his home in Mordor. It's unlikely that you will ever be invited to tea, but in the event that you are unlucky enough to receive such an invitation, two things must be kept in mind. The first: do not accept any gifts from him. And the second: do not allow yourself to listen to any of his poetry! It is quite possibly the worst poetry in Middle Earth, second only to one.* Both gifts and poetry may result in enslavement and his permanent posession of your mind.

*See Tom Bombadil.

------------------------------------

Ah, this is too amusing.

[Gurthang]

Ooh, good books! Its been a long time though.

Rings of Power: Wonderful trinkets that can be sought out at Rivendell, Lothlorien, Barad Dur, and anywhere you see a Grey Wizard. They give the ability to be invisible, and can give increased power in building, combat, mining, or magic. Warning: Side effects may include: Slow transformation into a wraith, obsessiveness towards ring, intensity of emotions, and having your mind taken over by a Dark Lord.

[Catherine]

Rivendell: A very nice, comfortable, and quiet place. It's a good place to come, relax and enjoy the fine lives of the elves. Activites include singing, dancing, writing, and relaxing. You must be carefull when traveling to Rivendell, it is hard to find and you don't want to run into any "black riders."

[Oddwen]

Moria: Mostly Harmful

[The Saucepan Man]

Balrogs: Mostly Flightless

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Yes, Mithalwen, Gildor Inglorian (Ford Prefect's cohort) wrote just that entry of mine, of the Shire, that was indeed reduced to "Harmless" in the Third Age. Unfortunately, just after being revised to "Mostly Harmless" at the crowning of Elessar and the honoring of Frodo son of Arthur, the Shire was destroyed by Saruman the Vogon. Fortunately, the dolphins Galadriel and Celeborn had already supplied an unknowing Hobbit, Samwise, with the fishbowl containing magic dust and stuff to regrow the Shire. Afterwards, Gildor's entry was reinstated, after Frodo Dent wrote in to Elessar to complain.

Okay, this has come uncomfortably close to a parody. Yuck.

Shelob: If you're afraid of spiders, this is one creature that your indefagitable towel will certainly come in handy in covering your head(s) from. Watch out for the large sting on her tail end, and be sure to bring some Vicks Vapo Rub to put under your nose--Samwise Gamgee has given accounts of Shelob's stench, and apparently it would choke a Ringwraith's horse.

And foregoing the fact that I might resemble Arthur himself a little too much, what was wrong with Tom Bombadil's poetry? =D

[Nuindacilien]

I haven't read Hitchhiker's yet, but I heard it's a really good book. Can anyone tell me what it's about?
I also saw a trailer for it when I went to see The Aviator.

~Nuinda

[Hookbill the Goomba]

In an intently expanding universe, for example the one elves live in, there is a high probability that everything will grow somewhere. In the mysterious seas of Mordor there grow the orc fruit tree. The life cycle of an orc fruit is interesting, although not very interesting. Once picked, it needs a dark hole to climb into and there to lie until Sauron (or someone else) calls them to some over zealous ballet with thousands of other Orcs. They are then slaughtered against unthinkable odds and are then left for dead. No one is quite sure what orcs are meant to gain from their existence. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, is presumably working on it.

Evil:

See Melkor.

Melkor:

See Evil.

[InklingElf]

I was well into clicking the link to this thread before I even realized the highlighted HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO - then I saw middle earth.

I feel like an Arthur Dent

A Gollum (Thingy Majigy):slightly dangerous, slightly evil, slightly pitiful, slightly ugly, slightly slimy. like fish: fresh and wriggly. avoid riddles or bright circular things that fit around finger.

[Glirdan]

I've noticed how you all failed to mention the following two things:

Lothlorien: Huge, beautiful forest. Inhabited by Elves who don't really like Dwarves (that is untill Gimli came along). Ruled by Celeborn and Galadriel(who holds one of the three Elven rings of Power, Nenya). Arwen later went there to live out the rest of her days after Aragorn passed on.

and also:

Helms Deep: Place of great sorrow. The main battle for Rohan against all the forces of Isengard took place here. The Glittering Caves are located here and Gimli came back with Dwarves from The Lonely Mountain to do a bit of digging for ores and other minerals.

If anyone has anything else to add to this, go right ahead.

Glirdy

[Beanamir of Gondor]

Ah, yes. Lothlorien. The future location of the Restaurant at the End of the Middlearth. Also the home of a very crabby creature called Haldir, who has been killed by an Uruk-Hai called Denrthur at least seventy times, but has been strangely reincarnated all of those times. "Oh, orc filth! I've brought you here too soon! Staff of Gandalf Beta!" he was heard to cry as the same orc slaughtered him for the fifty-sixth time at Helm's Deep. For Lothlorien, see also Rivendell, Mirkwood, and Mordor. For Haldir, see also Helm's Deep, Vietnam War, and Faramir, son of Peregrin Took.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<<C'est n'est pas le vin!>> dit le Persan dans une voix basse. <<C'est le poudre, Raoul!>>
<<Erik va sauter l'Opera!>> crie Raoul.

[Shelob]

The menu for the Restaurant at the End of the Middleearth quotes, by permission, a paage from The Hitchhiker's Guide to Middleearth. The Pasage is this:

The history of almost every major Middle Earth Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiery and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
For Instance, the first phase is characterized by the question, "How can we eat?", the second by the question, "Why do we eat?", and teh third by the question, "Where shall we have lunch?"
The lone exception to these three stages is the Hobbit Civilization, which lept straight from the How phase to the previously unrecorded What stage. This fourth stage is best characterized by the question "What about breakfast?"

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Excerpt from The Hitchhiker's guide to Middle Earth, Page 634784, section 5a. Entry: Eregion

Back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the Eldar, life was wild, rich and mostly tax-free.

Mighty companies plied their way between exotic forests and mountains, seeking adventure and reward amongst the furthest reaches of Middle Earth. In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Eriador were real small fury creatures from Eriador. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds and to boldly split infinities that none had split before.

Many Eldar, of course, became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because in those days no one was really poor- at least, no one worth speaking of. And for the richest and most successful merchants, life became very dull and niggly, and they began to imagine that this was therefore the fault of the land they had settled in- none of it was entirely satisfactory: either the climate wasn't quite right in the later part of the afternoon, the day was half an hour too long or the orcs were just the wrong shade of pink.

And thus were created the conditions for a staggering new form of industry: magic ring forging. The home of this industry was Eregion where massively wise elves (and one particular Maiar) made tremendously powerful magic rings that would give the wearers power over most of their problems.

But, so successful was this venture, that Eregion itself became the richest area in all of what remains of history and so the system broke down and the empire collapsed, and a long sullen silence settle over a billion starving worlds, disturbed only by the pen scratching of scholars as they laboured into the night over smug little treaties on the value of a planned political economy.

Eregion itself disappeared and its memory soon passed into the obscurity of legend.

In these enlightened days, of course, no one believes a word of it and it is considered a load of old dingo’s kidneys.

[the guy who be short]

Eru Iluvatar - Killjoy. Best avoided at all costs.

[THE Ka]

Legolas' Little Pink Book: Unbeknowenced to most, Legolas wouldn't be caught with a olive/ granny apple green with black combo dress and acessories, so was the invention of the LPB. Though the book itself is rather lacking and alphabetically repeats in different formal announcing letterage due to the small precentage of worthy second dates, it is infact said to be possessed by a more sinister power - due to the presistent bloches of burn marks and curiously written orc organizations... Understand this - Pink is EVIL!


~ Providing a service Ka

[malkatoj]

Aragorn : Still Not King

(edited later on)

Finally King!

Legolas : According to Elrond , 'The gayest gay elf to ever nance down the pike'.

To Blow the Horn of Gondor : Well, we always thought it summoned the Fellowship at Amon Hen...but really, guys. We're not that naive anymore.


(For the unenlightened of you, these ideas are taken from the Very Secret Diaries. If you haven't read them, go now, I have a habit of stabbing people whom I do not like.)

(Note: Just to clarify, these are the entries in the Hitchhiker's Guide about said topics. Not just weird definitions I threw out there for no reason.)

[arcticstorm]

Numenor: an almost isolated land in the stagnant backwaters of Middle Earth. It is said that the Valar destroyed it in a fit of rage for invading their almost perfect little home away west somewhere. However the truth, which is only known to the editorship and a few other selected individuals, is that Numenor lied in the midst of prime shipping lanes, so the Valar demolished it for a trade bypass between the undieing lands and middle earth, however in a strange coincidence, this same catostrophic event somehow removed the undying lands from the sphere of the earth, making the entire event a moot point anyway. there is a theory that the island was never redally destroyed and that the seas in that area have amazingly shifted their currents to make it impossible to leave or approach the island, but it is beleived only by those who have smoked to much longbottom leaf, and therefore it is discounted by most historians.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Numenor:
See 'Water'.

Mount Doom:
An interesting places to visit if you have time when in Mordor. If being tortured by Orcs and trampled by Oliphants isn't enough, why not visit this unique sight. Warning, this Volcano may have wheels and try to escape.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

The Shire:
Please wait; this entry is being updated over the sub-eather net.

…


The Shire, Mostly Harmless, but with some uniquely interesting places to visit!

Advice for visiting elves,
Get a job as a cart driver. It doesn’t matter if you don't know how the contraption works or if you have large pointy ears sticking out of the side of you're head. Indeed, this is the best way to stay inconspicuous.

How to have a Good time in Hobbiton,
Forget it.

[THE Ka]

Legolas whilst Abroad: Formally known as The Last of The International Playboys. It is not recommended that you bring up where the rest have gone to, unless you prefer strawberry-scented special edition mirkwood arrows in your bottom...

Denethor: Much noted in past enteries as an aspiring pyrotechnic, but alas! Turns out he is last of the ruling stewards. It is predicted by some brown-nosing sources that he will have a firey end to go out in, but this should be better read with a good reasoning and a pipe full of southfarthing...

The Prancing Pony: The name decieves all. No pony. No prancing. That is of course, except for excited hobbits dancing on tables while singing stupid songs to gain popularity...

~ How now? Ka

[the guy who be short]

Celeborn: Popularly known as Cele-bored. The only interesting things about him are his marriage to a semi-crazed Noldo and his dual-monarchy of Lothlorien.

Lothlorien: Lots of trees. Nice for philosophical holidays. Not good for beer.

[Glirdan]

The Lonely Mountain- Found by Thorin Oakenshields great great great and so and so forth ancestor. Originally ruled by Dwarves. Than the big,bad, red worm had to come along and eat almost everybody in vicinity. Thorin Oakenshield later came back to take his home and treasure back. Of course this is after his grandfather, Thror, went of to Moria and his father went all crazy in the dungeons of the Necromencer where Gandalf (on secret buissness at the tiem) found him. Unfourtuanetly, Thorin did not take it back because he had to go and get all angry at the Goblins and get himself killed aloing with his nephews Fili and Kili. So Dain took over and now everything is fine, until the ring resurfaces that is. But that's a long story that I don't feel like getting into.

[Anguirel]

Lindon, Realm of: Largest retirement facility for Elven Pensioners east of the Onerously Overwhelming Ocean. Has housed exiled royalty, dwarves with gambling problems, hyperactive Magic Rings and, as one Istar source reported: "a grey ship full of ghosts." Research has established that the said spectres do not include Mary, Queen of Scots, Anne Boleyn, Banquo, or indeed anyone of any interest whatsoever.

Lindon is administrated by a Worker's Commune after the death of the last High, Illustrious and Mighty Elvenking in suspicious circumstances involving a big fiery mace. The current General Secretary of the People's Republic of Lindon is Cirdan. He maintains a fanatical cult of personality around his lovingly cultivated beard, lives in an enormous palace, and holds the Presidency of the Shipbuilding Union.

[Hookbill the Goomba]

Many stories are told of Frodo Baggins' journey to Mount Doom.
10% of them are 95% true,
14% of them are 65% true,
35% of them are only 5% true
And all the rest are... told by Frodo Baggins.

Only one wholly accurate account exists, but it is locked in a box in the attic of Frodo's uncle Bilbo's house in Valinor. Though countless people have tried bribery, cajolery or even threats to get it, he has carefully guarded it, waiting for what he calls, "The right price."