[Boromir88]

THE TWO TOWERS NETWORK
Boromir the 88th

Interview with The Downer boss, Hookbill

The Downer has been one of the more active teams in signing players and their roster is nearly complete. Although one has to wonder whether any of these characters from the notorious newspaper cartoons would be eligible to play on Arda-based teams.

Nevertheless, I was able to find Hookbill and ask him a few questions about the upcoming year and how he thinks his club will perform...

1. The Downer has a the lowest payroll of the 32 teams, in fact, by a pretty large margin. Many are saying it's because The Downer newspaper is fledgling to stay afloat. What do you have to say to the speculations saying The Downer is going bankrupt and accusing you of fudging your distribution numbers?

Hookbill: We don't even pay our journalists. The only people who get paid at The Downer are the rats; we pay them not to eat our reporters.

Look, we may have been known for fudging the truth, fudging paper work, fudging numbers, fudging chocolate and even fudging our employees. But we have never fudged our numbers.

2. Would you consider selling the club to outside investors? And have you had any offers from outsiders interested in buying the club?

Hookbill: If I knew what the club was, I might sell it. Is it a food? Can I eat it? Or is it a blunt instrument with which I can beat my competition?

3. Last year The Downer was rocked by doping allegations, particularly their primary FW, Alien. Has Alien cleaned up? And is he in season-form to be the top goal scorer for your team?

Hookbill: Alien has, if anything, doubled his illegal activities. I mean, cheating here is peanuts compared to some of the things I've heard. You don't even want to know!

Hookbill declined to say if all of Alien's indiscretions were the reason The Downer's payroll was marked pathetically low, at 37 million. If the reports out of The Shire this past week are true, then it may shed some light on the truth.

The Saucepan Man, wanting to test eligibility to play for another team, citing he wanted to be on a team that took the Arda Cup more serious. He was spotted at SB United's practice field and ready to tryout. But Alien randomly appeared out of nowhere, and burned down the home team's lockerrooms. Hobbit officials sent SPM packing and telling him to take his "revolting green friend" with him. With no choice now, SPM re-signed on to The Downer and originally agreed to be the highest paid member, at 7 million. However, SB United sued The Downer for damages caused by Alien, and Hookbill docked the 1 million out of SPM's salary instead. When asked why the fine wasn't taken out of Alien's pay, Hookbill seemed more confused and showed contempt for the entire Arda Cup institution, "sport? What is sport?"

He would explain the senseless competition committee's rules prevent him from paying nothing to players. So he couldn't keep docking pay from Alien (who was signed for a mere 1 million), even if Alien was the player responsible for the most destruction. Thus he had to fine other players to pay for damages caused by Alien, "and besides, it was SPM who tried to sign with the hobbits."

It would then appear, Hookbill had his reasons to not go into details of all of Alien's "illegal activities." Not for my stomach's benefit, but to prevent Arda officials, and other teams from filing more lawsuits against The Downer. The Downer newspaper is boasting financial strength. In fact, it is, "frivolous lawsuits," from a biased institution feeling The Downer team has no right being in Arda competitions, which are forcing The Downer into a dirt cheap payroll.