[Encaitare]

With the huge Star Map clutched in her wrinkled hands, Wilhelmina walked down the street, scanning it for Club Pârís. "Let's see," she said as the bottles in her pockets clanked. "The Opposite of Soft Stone Restaurant? No... Hemisemidemi Moore? No... Planet Trollywood? No... aha! There it is!" To her dismay, the club was on the other side of the resort. Glancing at a conveniently placed scrolling sign which displayed the time, temperature, and velocity of an unladen sparrow, she realized that she probably couldn't make it if she walked... and she didn't feel like driving again. Ever.

So what to do?

"Move it, lady!" someone said loudly, bustling past her. Apparently she had stopped right in the middle of the busy sidewalk while lost in thought. 'I'm behaving like a ruddy tourist with this map and just stopping short in the middle of the sidewalk... how foolish of me,' she thought, and then realized that could work, too.

~*~*~*~*~

Wilhelmina had decided not to sit on the top level of the double-decker tour bus, but was now regretting it. Rabid tourists with flashing cameras, sunglasses, and too much sunscreen were pressed up against the windows. They kept turning to her and exclaiming "Isn't that something!" and "We'll have to remember to tell the kids about that!" One man actually kept poking her and pointing to various buildings and nondescript lamp-posts in his excitement. "You know," she said severely, "I went to Nü Yawk once. And if you stop to point at things there, you get trampled. Do you know there's a huge glob of sunscreen on your nose? Oh, you did. Never mind, then."

Finally, she could take it no more, and she climbed the narrow stairs up to the top, where there were just as many rabid tourists, but a bit more fresh air. The kamura-orc, which had been goodnaturedly braving the tourists, seemed relieved. A bored-sounding orc was pointing out the sights, and for once Wilhelmina was glad she was going a bit deaf.

She pulled the brim of her hat down over her ears and kept a lookout for the club. Around her, people shouted and carried on and hurried down the street to their various destinations. She should have felt lucky she had the opportunity to get out of Mordor, and yet she felt rather lonely amidst all these rushing, insufferable people. She found herself missing Fléin, in fact. The cat-upchucking Dwarf had a certain charm.

She felt someone prodding her, and was about to whack the offending tourist with her walking stick. But it was only the kamuraorc. "Cwub Pâwís! It's wight thewe!" he was saying. Wilhelmina grinned, and the two of them grabbed the leash that an anxious mother was using to tether her child, and heroically swung off the top of the bus, both hoping they'd never have to experience such a wretched form of travel again.

"So now what?" asked the kamuraorc.

"Now," said Wilhelmina mysteriously, "we set the bait." All aura of mystery vanished as she produced a package of dog biscuits from her pocket. Carefully, she laid them on the ground in a trail from the door. She then took Panakeia's perfumes and did the same thing in the opposite direction.

"Woo awe going to wuwe hew out?"

"Yes... but first we're going to lure her dog out."

"How do woo know it wiww wowk?" the orc asked doubtfully.

"The dog'll smell the treats and come out, and she'll come chasing after it. Plus, you've got a kamura. People like her are complete kamurahôres. Most celebrities are." Wilhelmina hoped very much that she sounded like she knew what she was talking about. She didn't want to blow it and get no points... whatever the points meant, anyway.

~*~*~*~*~

After a duration of time which shall remain undefined so as to maintain some small aura of mystery, an obnoxious yapping sound was heard. And just a few moments after that, a rat in GooChee clothing burst out of a doggie door, having smelled the treats.

"Tinkerbell! Tinkerbell!" a woman cried, tripping along in gleaming pink heels. "Tinkerbell, come back to Mommy!" Then the shiny baubles caught her eye, and the pair were like kids in a candy shop, or happy anime characters with sparkles the size of galaxies in their eyes. "That's hot, said Pârís Hiltôn as she picked up the shinies one by one.

Wilhelmina gestured to the kamuraorc, who hastily ran to the end of the perfume trail, film rolling. Pârís Hiltôn looked up at the lens, said "Hi," and continued to smile vaguely in that direction like someone who has too much money and not enough purpose in life. And while Tinkerbell gobbled up the last of the treats, Wilhelmina unscrewed the cap of the Pearie Ockcide Potion and poured the contents on the dog's tail. She then proceeded to shout in horror.

"Oh! Oh! Ms. Hiltôn! Your dog!"

"She's adorable," Pârís Hiltôn said serenely, as though she were in her own little sunshine-and-rainbow world and the rest of them weren't allowed in.

"But she's sick!"

Immediately she was at the dog's side. "My Tink? My Tinky-Winky? What's the matter with my puppy-wuppy?"

"Her tail's gone blonde!" Wilhelmina fussed. "She must have... er... dog flu," she concluded lamely. Dog flu? Wherever did she come up with that? Now she had to go with it, though. "Yes, the dog flu can be fatal! I'd better take her to a doctor!"

"I thought you were a doctor," said Pârís Hiltôn.

"What?" Wilhelmina said confusedly.

"You must be a doctor... you know about diseases. That's what doctors do, right?"

"Sweetie," said Wilhelmina as kindly as she could, "I'm no doctor. I'm sure we all know about a good number of diseases."

"Maybe I should go with Tinkerbell..."

"No! That's just fine!" Wilhelmina dug in her pocket and drew out the mirror she had purchased. "Here! Occupy yourself with this!"

"That's hot," said Pârís Hiltôn as she vapidly stared at her own reflection.

"How shouwd we get back to the hotew?" asked the orc.

Wilhelmina looked around, and her eyes settled on something that was black, shiny, and at least three times longer than it really needed to be. "How about by limo?"